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Harding: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)

8 minutes 53 seconds

🇬🇧 English

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00:00

-♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ I would like to talk about America's presidents, the only group of individuals that we know for sure at some point masturbated in the White House. Oh, 0, please, you think McKinley didn't? Come on, grow up, he's doing it in that photo. -$5,000.

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00:18

Listen, with all the horrors of our current president, it can sometimes help to get some historical perspective, to look at all the people who preceded him. Although a few months ago, 1 place where you might be able to do that was forced to say goodbye.

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00:33

After nearly 60 years of operation, the Hall of Presidents and First Ladies Wax Museum in Gettysburg is shutting down.

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00:39

Even though the museum will be no more, you have an opportunity to own a piece of American history.

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00:45

It's something that doesn't come up every day in an auction, for sure.

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00:47

Should be a very interesting auction, and we hope lots of people come.

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00:51

Yeah, so do I. I hope that too, because these wax presidents deserve a good home. No 1 wants to see Benjamin Harrison having to model culottes at Forever 21.

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01:01

--AUDIENCE LAUGHS --And here's the thing. People did come. Some apparently paid thousands of dollars to own a wax president, and it later turned out there were some notable buyers among them.

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01:12

We got our very own life-size wax president.

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01:15

That is...

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01:17

President Eisenhower. Is it? Is it, though?

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01:23

Because to me, it looks like you may have just bought a wax sculpture of Bill O'Reilly covering his erection with a magazine. But...

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01:30

But it wasn't just Maddow.

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01:32

Stephen Colbert got 1 too. And now, ladies and gentlemen, please rise for your late show president, Zachary Taylor! -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ Well, congratulations, Stephen.

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01:49

Although it is worth pointing out that Zachary Taylor died of a stomach bug 16 months into office, so he's really less of a president and more a guy named Zach who shit his brains out in the West Wing men's room. Now, Colbert actually wanted Martin Van Buren, but unbeknownst to him, and this is true, Jon Stewart bought that 1. Presumably,

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02:09

to add to his ever-expanding mannequin sex dungeon, that's the

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02:13

only rational explanation. I know what you're thinking. Spending good money on a poorly made wax figure of a former president sounds pretty stupid, right?

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02:22

Yeah, you're right. You're absolutely right. And that is why I am proud to say we didn't go down there and buy 1 of them. We bought 5 of them.

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02:32

5. Why 5? Because we

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02:35

are 5 times stupider than any other TV show. That's fucking why.

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02:41

And the reason we've been sitting on this for so long is because we've been very busy constructing a home for our horrifying new friends. In fact, tonight, I'd like to present to you the last week tonight, hall of dubiously lifelike wax commanders in chief. The whole gang is here.

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02:58

First, there is Richard Nixon. He cost us $1,900, and he looks like a store-brand

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03:04

Mitt Romney. Next, there's Bill Clinton, or to be more accurate, John Travolta in primary colors as Bill Clinton. Then there's Jimmy Carter, looking like the before photo for a jaundice medication.

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03:17

And William Henry Harrison, who died of pneumonia 31 days into office, and this is probably exactly what he looked like when he did. And lastly, there is Warren G. Fucking Harding. And you know what?

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03:28

You know what? This 1 is actually my favorite, because we've talked a lot about Harding on this program before. He was our nation's 29th president, and his administration was nearly brought down by the Teapot Dome scandal, but he's perhaps most famous for his sexual exploits.

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03:44

After Warren Harding died in 1923, Nan Britton wrote a book claiming she'd been his mistress. They'd made love in a White House closet, and he'd fathered her daughter, Elizabeth.

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03:55

Oh, warrant. Knocking up your friend's daughter in a White House fuck cupboard, you waxy little pervert. -♪ ♪ -() But the fact is, Harding had an incredible life story.

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04:08

And it's a shame that someone hasn't already made a major motion picture of it. The problem is, who would do it? It would have to be someone with way too much time on their hands, way too many resources, and unfettered access to a life-size wax replica of former president Warren G. Harding.

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04:24

If only that person existed, the movie they'd make might look a little like this. -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪

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04:38

He came from humble roots to rule a nation.

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04:45

President Warren G. Harding as I live and breathe.

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04:52

Let's show these fancy Washington folk what an Ohio boy can do.

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05:02

Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States.

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05:07

But behind the public face lived a man of dark ambition.

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05:12

Gentlemen, raise them up to the 29th President of these United States and to our very good fortune.

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05:21

Yeah! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

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05:28

ha ha ha ha ha Driven by hidden passions beyond his control and beyond the realm of virtue.

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05:39

Mr. Harding, I do believe you're flirting with me.

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05:46

Consumed by a lust that would not weaken.

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05:52

Take me, Warren.

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06:00

His name was synonymous with grace and dignity.

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06:04

-♪♪

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06:06

President?

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06:08

-...doomed to pay the price of power. Mr. President, I must ask you again to sign an executive order about this teapot dome matter.

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06:17

♪♪ -♪♪

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06:21

You will sign this document.

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06:23

-♪♪

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06:28

Torn between duty and desire.

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06:30

I demand to see my Warren.

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06:32

Young lady you're in no position to demand anything.

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06:35

How dare you speak to me this way.

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06:36

You look me in the eye and tell me she means nothing to you. Don't you turn your back on me Warren.

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06:48

You risked all the hell dear.

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06:51

If you don't contain the situation, this whole administration is going down, do you hear me? We will all be finished!

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06:59

Sir. Is

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07:00

that all I am to you, a plaything? I'm not your whore!

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07:06

Why must my greatest love also be my greatest trial?

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07:12

The New York Times calls it A movie. The LA Times raves, there are 4 Oscar nominees in it. Seriously.

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07:23

And World of Wax Monthly hails Harding as a triumph. Campbell Scott, Anna Kendrick, Michael McKean, James Cromwell, and Laura fucking Lilly.

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07:44

You are a great man, Warren, but heed my warning. Even great men may be corrupted.

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08:00

So... Yeah. So... Yeah.

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08:20

Yeah. Heidi. What? What?

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08:23

Yeah. Yeah. LAUGHTER MUSIC Hiding. CHEERING What?

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08:30

MUSIC MUSIC

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08:33

Did you fall?

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08:37

MUSIC Coming soon. CHEERING Did you fall? Coming soon.

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08:41

We don't even know what we're doing with the other 4 yet.