See all LastWeekTonight transcripts on Youtube

Speaker 1

00:00

♪♪ I know that in the last few weeks, we've been covering a lot of depressing stories, but I'm afraid I have 1 more terrible tale to tell you.

Speaker 2

00:12

Russia has lost contact with a satellite full of possibly mating geckos. Russia launched the geckos into space about a week ago. They were trying to observe their mating activities in 0 gravity.

Speaker 2

00:23

But after just a few orbits, their pods stopped responding to mission control.

Speaker 1

00:27

Don't you dare laugh at that! --LAUGHTER- Don't... Don't you dare laugh at the fact that Russia has lost a satellite full of sexually active space geckos.

Speaker 1

00:36

There is nothing funny about that! This is like Apollo 13 all over again. Only in Cyrillic and with a quintet of Russian... Lizards instead of Tom Hanks.

Speaker 1

00:48

And frankly, Russia has not been treating this story with the urgency it deserves.

Speaker 3

00:54

Russia's hoping to restore communications before the geckos run out of food.

Speaker 1

00:58

Hoping? That is not good enough, Russia. You can't just watch videos of them f-ing and then toss them aside. They're not Kardashians.

Speaker 1

01:06

--LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE AND

Speaker 3

01:08

CHEERING --And look, look. They're ghettos. And look, you

Speaker 1

01:13

might be saying, John, Why are you making such a big deal out of this? Aren't there more important things going on in the world? Well, yes, obviously, almost everything is more important than this.

Speaker 1

01:23

Ukraine is sliding into anarchy, the Gaza ceasefire in tenuous, and we're mostly powerless to do anything about any of them, but maybe, just maybe, if we could come together and accomplish 1 thing as a civilization, we could then build on that progress. And I think rescuing these space sex geckos might just be that thing. And that is why I'm issuing a challenge to humanity. Go get those geckos.

Speaker 1

01:50

Now, I know what you're thinking. I know what you're thinking. John, how is a hashtag going to rescue those geckos? The hashtag is to raise awareness, you idiots.

Speaker 1

01:58

-♪ ♪ -♪ Be positive! And look, you can and should do more. You could go onto the Kremlin's contact page, which inexplicably has a form allowing you to actually write Vladimir Putin a letter, which you can do at this address. And look, look, take this seriously.

Speaker 1

02:17

Don't be idiots about this. The Kremlin insists, this is true, that your suggestions be, and I quote, -"specific." And... I do not know of a more specific suggestion... Than go get those geckos!

Speaker 1

02:31

-...how are

Speaker 3

02:33

we gonna do it? -...how are we gonna do it? How...

Speaker 3

02:35

What's that? How are we gonna get them?

Speaker 1

02:37

I don't know. I don't know. I'm not a space pornographer.

Speaker 1

02:42

Maybe a net of some sort, or a magnet. I don't know. Maybe you've got some better ideas, and if you do, don't tell me, tell Vladimir Putin at this address. We can do this, people.

Speaker 1

02:52

And sure, Russia's gonna push back like they did yesterday, saying they've re-established contact with the satellite, but they're clearly lying! They're just buying Putin enough time to run to a pet store, get 5 geckos, and parade them in front of us. Well, we don't want those geckos, we want the space geckos! Come on, humanity!

Speaker 1

03:11

Let us stand together as 1. And let us utter the most powerful words

Speaker 3

03:17

in the English language. Mr. Putin, go get those geckos!

Speaker 3

03:23

Go Get those geckos! Go get those geckos! Go get those geckos!