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Speaker 1

00:00

-♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ Our main story this week is Scotland. Americans know it as the birthplace of Shrek and that accent you think you can do, but actually can't. Well, this coming Thursday, Scotland is facing a major decision.

Speaker 2

00:19

Scotland will vote this week on whether to leave the United Kingdom.

Speaker 3

00:22

For the first time in modern history, London could be at risk of losing control of Scotland. It could become

Speaker 4

00:28

its own country.

Speaker 1

00:29

Yes, It seems like England may lose yet another country. And look, look, I'm not saying the sun is setting on the British Empire. Let's just say the restaurant of history is switching to its dinner menu.

Speaker 1

00:41

Now, now there is a lot to explain here, especially because when most American people think about Scottish independence, they tend to picture this.

Speaker 4

00:49

They may take our lives...

Speaker 1

00:51

-♪

Speaker 4

00:52

But they'll never take... -♪ Who? Our freedom!

Speaker 1

00:56

-♪

Speaker 4

00:56

Our freedom!

Speaker 1

00:57

-♪ Oh, yes. Nothing screams Scottish freedom quite like a millionaire Australian anti-Semite on horseback. So, so, let me, let me bring you up to date here.

Speaker 1

01:10

Scotland is currently a member of the United Kingdom, which is not a country. It's actually a complicated political and economic union. Think of it as an archipelagic supergroup comprised of 4 variously willing members. And to understand why Scotland may want to leave, you really need to understand the history of its relationship with England.

Speaker 5

01:31

For centuries, England and Scotland remained separate and frequently at war. But in 1707, they formed a single country, Great Britain, a decision that's been controversial in Scotland ever since.

Speaker 1

01:43

Oh, yeah. I'd say it's still controversial. Given that, as you can see here, we are still role-playing with wooden swords to try and emotionally work through it.

Speaker 1

01:52

So Scotland and England have been involved in something of a 300-year arranged marriage. And look, I will be the first 1 to acknowledge, England has been a little bit of a dick since the honeymoon. In 1746, we actually banned the kilt, just because we knew they liked it. And then, we chose God Save the King as the UK's national anthem, a song which at 1 point had a verse referencing rebellious Scots to crush.

Speaker 1

02:20

Although, to be fair, we later realized that that was wrong and replaced it with a line about pissing on the Welsh. But 2 and a half years ago, it was announced that Scotland would finally get to vote on its independence. And since then, there has been a spirited campaign.

Speaker 6

02:37

There are 2 campaigns. Yes, Scotland, backed by the SMP and the Scottish Greens, and Better Together.

Speaker 1

02:43

Okay, for a start, Better Together is not a great name for a campaign. It sounds like what people say to convince themselves to stay in a dead marriage. Look, look, I'm not saying we're good together, Marian, I'm saying we're better together.

Speaker 1

02:57

-...better together. -...better together. Tax-wise, it's preferable to the alternative. Why are you crying, Marian?

Speaker 1

03:01

I'm saying something nice. -...something nice. -...something nice. And if you think their name is uninspiring, wait until you hear their slogan.

Speaker 1

03:09

-♪♪

Speaker 4

03:10

No thanks, no thanks,

Speaker 1

03:12

no thanks,

Speaker 6

03:14

no thanks.

Speaker 1

03:16

-♪♪ No thanks is a violently British way to refuse something. That is just 1 step away from, ooh, I couldn't possibly. But what is...

Speaker 1

03:29

What's Even more interesting here is who is helping fund these 2 campaigns.

Speaker 7

03:34

Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling wants Scotland to stay part of the U.K. Rowling has donated 1.6 million dollars to the Better Together campaign.

Speaker 1

03:44

Yeah, But that's not really a surprise, is it? She famously wrote a book where a redhead played second fiddle to a magical Englishman.

Speaker 4

03:52

Come along, Ron, come along. I shall have

Speaker 1

03:54

all the powers, and your brothers can die fighting my wars. Come along. Come along.

Speaker 1

04:00

Meanwhile, Meanwhile, the opposing side has received 80% of its funding from these 2 people.

Speaker 6

04:08

Jackpot, a Scottish couple scoop 161 million pounds on the lottery making them Europe's biggest ever winners.

Speaker 1

04:17

That's right, The pro-independence campaign is predominantly financed by lottery winners. They're like an adorable Scottish version of the Koch brothers. So, let's just look at the 2 arguments.

Speaker 1

04:30

First, the case in favor of Scottish independence.

Speaker 8

04:34

We can take matters into Scottish hands. No 1, absolutely no 1, will run the affairs of this country better than the people who live and work in Scotland.

Speaker 1

04:44

And to be fair, he might be right about that. Scots know how to run a country. Because when they got to choose a national animal, they selected, and I swear this is true, a unicorn.

Speaker 1

04:54

-♪ Unicorn, unicorn, unicorn, unicorn, unicorn, unicorn, unicorn ♪

Speaker 4

04:56

Who knew you were allowed to do that? Pick a

Speaker 1

04:59

fictional animal. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1

05:02

America's probably kicking itself for choosing the bald eagle now, aren't you? You could've picked a Wookiee in a top hat... -...or whatever the fuck Grimace is. Look.

Speaker 1

05:12

-... -...he looks like a magic genie granted a wish to Gorbachev's birthmark. But... -...and also, also, for their national flower, the Scots chose a thistle.

Speaker 1

05:24

That is a plant made out of tiny knives and a

Speaker 4

05:27

throwing star. The only flower I like is a flower that could pierce

Speaker 1

05:32

an Englishman's throat. -...and look, look, there are legitimate reasons for Scotland to want to govern itself. For instance, it's a predominantly liberal country which has frequently been governed by a conservative UK government.

Speaker 1

05:47

And seldom has that divide been more pronounced than right now, when the UK's Prime Minister is David Cameron.

Speaker 2

05:54

Cameron's problem is that as a posh Southern Tory, he's seen in Scotland as the personification of everything that's wrong with England and the U.K.

Speaker 1

06:05

Yeah, I agree with that. --AUDIENCE LAUGHS- He embodies all the things I hate most about England, and I'm English. Let me prove this to you.

Speaker 1

06:13

This is a picture of him as a student at Oxford. He's in f-ing tales! Now, Cameron says he's desperately embarrassed by that photo, which is why it pains me so much to be showing it to you. Can we get a close-up on his face?

Speaker 1

06:27

Because that is the face of a man who fast-forwards through the servant parts of Downton Abbey. Just... Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 4

06:36

Who cares what's happening downstairs?

Speaker 1

06:38

Yeah. Let's just hope the soup doesn't get cold. In fact, let me show you what an arsehole David Cameron is. 1 of the biggest issues in the independence debate concerns the fact that Scotland has a surprisingly large amount of oil.

Speaker 1

06:53

But watch how David Cameron responded to a simple parliamentary question about who should control revenues from it.

Speaker 4

07:00

A poll last week showed that 68% of Scots want oil revenues devolved to Scotland. Does the Prime Minister agree with 68% of Scots or does he not?

Speaker 9

07:16

If you ask a stupid question, you get a stupid answer. I mean...

Speaker 1

07:19

-... Imagine that sound for 300 years, and it gives you some sense of why Scotland may be ready to leave. LAUGHTER OK, so let's look at the anti-independence campaign now. Clearly, they had some serious work to do.

Speaker 1

07:39

Unfortunately, their attempts to win hearts and minds involved this controversial commercial targeted at women featuring a Scottish mother confused by the whole concept of independence who has just sent her kids off to school.

Speaker 6

07:53

Best time of the day this, when they're all out, nice and quiet, gives you time to think, helps you clear your head. Shame it only lasts for 2 minutes. Don't get me wrong, I know how important this vote is.

Speaker 6

08:08

There's not much time left for me to make a decision, but there's only so many hours in the day.

Speaker 1

08:13

Oh, It's so confusing, it hurts my wee head. Look, I'm just a woman,

Speaker 4

08:20

you know, just a pair of

Speaker 1

08:21

ovaries and some bangs. How do I possibly have the mental capacity to pick from 1 of 2 options? Put me down for a no, and never trust me with an important decision again.

Speaker 1

08:35

What... What is... What's crazy about this? The crazy thing about this is that the anti-independence side actually has some legitimate arguments to make.

Speaker 1

08:47

Leaving the UK could potentially have some serious consequences for Scotland.

Speaker 10

08:51

If they vote for independence, Scots have been warned that they risk losing the pound as their currency.

Speaker 1

08:57

Yeah, they could lose the pound, and that's not nothing. Because if they do, they'd either have to join the currently unstable euro, or revert to Scotland's old currency, which I believe was sheep and threats. -♪ ♪ -♪

Speaker 4

09:10

I'll give you a 3, sheep for it, and a punch in the face, do we have a fucking deal?

Speaker 1

09:14

-♪ ♪ Why do they hate us? And, And also, while the pro-independence campaign has put a great deal of emphasis on Scotland's oil, there are genuine concerns over how much might actually be left.

Speaker 11

09:29

Reserves are dwindling. The Office for Budget Responsibility expects the number of barrels produced to decline from 2000000 a day in 2012 to just half a million in 2040.

Speaker 1

09:39

And if that's true, that might be a problem. Because if you've ever been there, you will know that solar power is not an option for Scotland. So those are the 2 sides, and with the vote just days away, this thing is set to go down to the wire.

Speaker 3

09:55

This morning, in shock, Brits woke up to headlines like these. Don't let me be the last queen of Scotland. Last stand to keep the union.

Speaker 3

10:02

A new poll for the UK Sunday Times newspaper shows 51% of Scots plan to vote yes for independence.

Speaker 1

10:10

And if it comes down to just 1 vote, we all know who will be called upon to break that tie. Go with your gut, Nessie. You do you, Nessie.

Speaker 1

10:19

You do you. APPLAUSE It seems... It seems like there is a real chance that Scotland may leave, and if they do, just so you know, there are going to be some significant consequences for everybody.

Speaker 10

10:33

They might also have to say cheerio to something more symbolic, the beloved Union Jack. You see, the current flag, which hasn't changed in over 200 years, is a mix between England's cross of St. George, Scotland's cross of St.

Speaker 10

10:46

Andrew, and Ireland's cross of St. Patrick.

Speaker 6

10:49

The government could ditch the blue and white cross of St. Andrew's for something that looks like this.

Speaker 1

10:56

Oh, great! Great! Well, there goes my f***ing bedspread, my shower curtain, my wallpaper and my dog!

Speaker 1

11:04

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Unbelievable! We can't do it! But it is not just flags that are a cause for concern. There is also the small matter of this.

Speaker 12

11:14

The Scottish National Party wants to get rid of the nuclear weapons that are currently based in Scotland and shift them back to England, and that would be a huge problem for the United Kingdom.

Speaker 1

11:23

Yeah, that would also be a huge problem for everybody because we have nowhere to keep them right now. I mean, I guess we could disguise them as Buckingham Palace guards, but people are going to notice that after a while. And Scotland wants those weapons gone.

Speaker 1

11:38

Their leaders have described them as, and I quote, an affront to basic decency. And this is coming from the land of the haggis. A boiled sheep stomach stuffed with organ meat. It is no wonder the British government is suddenly panicking.

Speaker 1

11:54

They are scrambling to make nice with Scotland, but here's the problem. When you haven't been nice to someone for 1,000 years, it's very difficult to suddenly start. For instance, last week, they tried raising the Scottish flag over 10 Downing Street. Watch how that went.

Speaker 9

12:09

On the roof of Downing Street, on the orders of the Prime Minister, no less, a moment of high symbolism. Oh, dear. And It's not as though everything was going swimmingly before.

Speaker 1

12:21

That's right. Not even English flagpoles can suddenly start treating Scotland with the respect it deserves. Get this

Speaker 4

12:28

rag off me. Get it off. I can't.

Speaker 4

12:31

Get this blue mess off me.

Speaker 1

12:33

APPLAUSE And...and in a last-ditch effort, David Cameron has even tried, like a romantic hero, to turn up at Scotland's door and plead for them. Plead for them not to leave.

Speaker 9

12:46

I would be heartbroken if this family of nations that we've put together, and that we've done such amazing things together, if this family of nations was torn apart.

Speaker 1

12:57

That's it? That's the best pleading you've got? There are only 4 days left.

Speaker 1

13:02

Look, if I've learned 1 thing from the last 4 minutes of British romantic comedies, it's that if you're trying to win someone over, you need a big romantic gesture. A kiss in the rain, a kiss in the snow, turning up to someone's door with romantic signs expressing your love for them, because you can't say it out loud, because her husband, your best friend, is in the next room, which is

Speaker 4

13:24

a bit f***ed up. But... But...

Speaker 1

13:28

But it is effective. It's effective, so with that in mind, let's do this. Because right now, Scotland, I'm just a boy...

Speaker 1

13:38

LAUGHTER ..standing in front of a nation, asking it to continue tolerating me. You want me to show you what I'm willing to do to save this relationship? Here, I will eat some haddocks. Look, I'll do it.

Speaker 1

13:49

Mmm, mmm.

Speaker 4

13:51

Oh, 0, yeah. Mmm,

Speaker 1

13:53

sheep lungs. There are literally sheep lungs in my mouth. Let me just wash that down with some fine Scottish whiskey.

Speaker 1

14:01

Mmm, mmm. -$1.50. -$1.50. Oh, It...

Speaker 1

14:08

It tastes like a delicious house fire.

Speaker 4

14:11

Look at me, Scotland. I'm drunk on scotch. I'm trying to choke back sheep lung vomit.

Speaker 4

14:16

So kiss me, Scotland. What do you

Speaker 1

14:18

mean this isn't enough? Look, look, here's your national animal. I didn't even pretend it exists.

Speaker 4

14:25

There it is. Hello unicorn. Hello.

Speaker 4

14:29

And if that's not enough, I'll make the ultimate sacrifice. Oh, yes, that's right. I will find enjoyment of bagpipe music We're of your people I believe this particular song is called Titus in a minor In fact, there's just 1 problem you