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Speaker 1

00:00

-♪ ♪ -♪ -♪ ♪ Last Sunday.

Speaker 2

00:06

Last Sunday, 1 of the weirdest annual events on television took place yet again.

Speaker 3

00:12

Get ready for the lip gloss, the spray tans, The blood, sweat, and sequins.

Speaker 1

00:17

I'm content. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2015 Miss America semifinalists. Beautiful.

Speaker 2

00:24

Beautiful. And just a reminder to those

Speaker 1

00:27

of you at

Speaker 2

00:27

home, it is the year 2014. And I am a fully clothed man standing in front of a line of women in swimsuits awaiting judgment. Beautiful.

Speaker 2

00:36

Beautiful. Yes. Last Sunday was the Miss America pageant, and through it all, the swimsuits, the dance numbers, the inexplicable ventriloquism. It was...

Speaker 2

00:50

It was very difficult not to think, how the f*** is this still happening? Beauty pageants haven't really made sense since an era when people talked like this.

Speaker 1

01:01

Girls, girls, girls. Everyone lovely and talented. 1 from nearly every state in the union, including Alaska.

Speaker 2

01:08

Oh! Including Alaska, yes! And you know why they mention that? Because Alaska had only just become a state back then.

Speaker 2

01:17

In fact, in the early days, it made sense to have a contest with criteria like this.

Speaker 1

01:22

The very first years, there was a literal breakdown. 5 points for the construction of the head. 5 points for the limbs.

Speaker 1

01:31

3 points for the torso. 2 points for the leg. 3 points for the torso.

Speaker 2

01:38

I think even back then, that was code. Hey, I met this great dame, see? She's got a great torso, see?

Speaker 2

01:45

34D torso, you should meet her. How's the construction of her head? It's ridiculous. It's ridiculous.

Speaker 2

01:54

The... But the only time that beauty pageants are relevant nowadays is whenever someone forwards you a link to something like this.

Speaker 4

02:01

I believe that our education, like such as in South Africa and the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, our education over here in the US should help the US, or should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries.

Speaker 2

02:21

Now, to be fair, the question she was asked was, can you do an impression of a dictionary in a washing machine? And I think everyone, She nailed that. She nailed that.

Speaker 2

02:32

Look, look, look, look, look. It is easy to make fun of pageant contestants, but which is really crazier? That they sometimes give stupid answers, or that they are almost always asked ridiculously complex questions?

Speaker 5

02:46

Government tracking of phone records has been in the news lately. Is this an invasion of privacy or necessary to keep our country safe? Why or why not?

Speaker 6

02:56

Should people who leak classified documents in the name of public information be charged with treason?

Speaker 3

03:01

In recent weeks, the US has released 5 detainees from Guantanamo in exchange for 1 US soldier held captive in Afghanistan. The US policy is to leave no soldier behind. Do you think it's fair to sacrifice or swap lives in order to uphold this policy?

Speaker 3

03:17

What?

Speaker 2

03:19

I totally agree with the

Speaker 1

03:21

guy in the background there. Because

Speaker 2

03:25

I sincerely doubt the intricacies of hostage exchanges are going to be resolved by a 21-year-old PR major and the star of Sharknado. In fact, last Sunday, this was an actual question.

Speaker 7

03:40

The savagery of the ISIS threat to our security was demonstrated by the gruesome videos of 2 journalists and an aid worker being beheaded. What should our country's response be?

Speaker 1

03:53

-..."

Speaker 2

03:55

That's right. They asked 1 of the contestants to solve ISIS.

Speaker 1

04:00

-..."

Speaker 2

04:01

and she only had 20 seconds to do it. How did she do?

Speaker 8

04:06

This is an absolute outrage and something definitely needs to be done but I don't think America needs to be the only 1 to do it. I really think it's important for the world, for the UN to come together and decide what's the best thing United that we can do to really come together as a bigger and more impactful source to end this horrid, horrid thing that's happening.

Speaker 1

04:23

Holy shit! -♪ Oh... -♪ Oh...

Speaker 1

04:26

That is a much better answer than I could've done in that amount of time. -♪ Oh... -♪

Speaker 2

04:31

Oh... That is a borderline better answer than the president gave last week. In fact, many of last Sunday's contestants were genuinely impressive. And the Miss America pageant would argue that's because they're a classier organization than their competitors, which is frankly not difficult.

Speaker 2

04:48

Miss USA, for instance, is owned by Donald Trump, a clown made of mummified foreskin and cotton candy. But... And look, he's... He is pretty blunt about his criteria.

Speaker 9

05:02

Well, obviously, it's great outer beauty. I mean, we could say politically correct that the look doesn't matter, but the look obviously matters. Like, you wouldn't have your job if you weren't beautiful.

Speaker 9

05:11

-♪ Ooh... ♪ -♪ Ooh...

Speaker 1

05:12

♪

Speaker 2

05:15

It is a little ironic that the Miss USA beauty pageant is overseen by 1 of the ugliest souls on the planet. But, look, Miss America is supposed to be different from all that. Miss America is about something more than just looks.

Speaker 4

05:30

This is a scholarship pageant, Lee.

Speaker 10

05:32

Miss America funds scholars.

Speaker 11

05:34

It's the largest scholarship program in the world for women.

Speaker 1

05:36

It's easy to think that this is just a beauty pageant, but this is a scholarship pageant Miss America is. Right.

Speaker 2

05:43

Yeah, right. You need to see them in bathing suits, because as we all know, the intelligence portion of the brain is located somewhere on the upper thigh. In fact, Miss America trades on their scholarship claims so much, if you call the Miss America headquarters, this is what you hear.

Speaker 12

06:00

Thank you for calling the Miss America organization, the world's largest provider of scholarships for women.

Speaker 2

06:06

Okay, that is suspiciously defensive right out of the gate. That is like Walter White saying, hello, and welcome to this regular car wash that's definitely not laundering money for my meth lab. Welcome.

Speaker 2

06:17

Welcome. If, if it is actually true that Miss America is the world's largest provider of scholarships for women, that's a little bit weird. Because Miss America does not offer scholarships to all women, only those who compete in its pageants. So, to qualify for a scholarship, you'll need to certify not just that you've never been married, but also that you are not now pregnant, and never have been.

Speaker 2

06:43

Which, of course, makes sense. Miss America is supposed to be a role model for children. How can she be that if she's got a child in tow who's constantly looking up to her? And...

Speaker 2

06:54

And those... Those are just the official rules you need to abide by. If you want a shot at winning 1 of their scholarships, You're also going to need access to a can of this stuff.

Speaker 7

07:04

Butt glue, a spray adhesive essential for keeping those bikini bottoms on their bottoms.

Speaker 2

07:11

Just... Just think about that for

Speaker 1

07:13

a second. Oh, how did

Speaker 2

07:14

the scholarship interview go? Well, my ass is still sticky,

Speaker 1

07:17

I think I got it! I think I got it! And...

Speaker 1

07:21

-...Miss America... -...

Speaker 2

07:24

...Miss America doesn't just say it's the biggest scholarship organization, it backs this up with numbers.

Speaker 7

07:30

We're the nation's largest scholarship program for young women, with $45 million made available annually.

Speaker 2

07:37

Forty-five million? That is an unbelievable amount of money. As in, I literally didn't believe that.

Speaker 1

07:45

It's the

Speaker 2

07:45

kind of number that can get stuck in your head and rattle around there for days, driving you crazy. Making you wish, for instance, there was a way to find out more.

Speaker 10

07:53

Find out more at missamericafoundation.org.

Speaker 2

07:57

And that is where all this craziness began. We went to their website, and to be honest, it wasn't a great sign that their About Us page says, -"We fund scholars." -$5,000.

Speaker 1

08:09

You, You really might want

Speaker 2

08:12

to, You really might want to butt glue a D onto the end of that word.

Speaker 1

08:17

-...

Speaker 2

08:19

But it was then, while digging around on their site, that we discovered that Miss America and its foundation are registered non-profits, which means they have to file public tax forms. So what we were looking for was that crazy number, 45 million dollars. What we found instead was that in 2012, at the national level, they spent less than 500,000 dollars in cash scholarships.

Speaker 2

08:41

Leaving us a mere 44 and a half million dollars short of what they say they provide. And at this point, we really had a clear choice. We could have just thought, sure, the numbers don't really add up, but it's only Miss America who really gives a shit. Or...

Speaker 2

08:58

Or we could try to pull the tax forms from every state-level competition in the country, because this was starting to drive us fucking insane.

Speaker 1

09:06

-♪♪ -♪♪ -♪♪ -♪♪ -♪♪

Speaker 2

09:11

It's been a weird week here. -♪♪ We got 33 states 990 forms and attempted to contact everyone else. But even making the most generous assumptions for every state and local pageant that we didn't get, we couldn't get even close to 4000000 dollars.

Speaker 2

09:28

When, remember, they are claiming this.

Speaker 7

09:31

Forty-five million dollars made available annually.

Speaker 1

09:34

How the fuck is that possible?

Speaker 2

09:37

How's that possible? At this point, we were in way too deep, so we just called Miss America, which is when we first heard this.

Speaker 12

09:45

Thank you for calling the Miss America organization, the world's largest provider of scholarships for women.

Speaker 2

09:50

And it turns out the key word there is provider. Some schools offer scholarships directly to pageant contestants. And the trick is, Miss America counts all of them, not just the ones they can physically take.

Speaker 2

10:01

So, for instance, Miss Pennsylvania's website says it offers the winner scholarships to these 4 colleges, and the value of every single scholarship is counted together, despite the fact that she is clearly going to attend at most 1, because She's not going to attend 4 colleges. She's not James f-cking Franco.

Speaker 1

10:19

-♪♪♪♪♪

Speaker 2

10:22

Furthermore... Furthermore... Miss Alabama, in its 2012 filing, said it provided nearly $2.6 million in scholarships to just 1 school, Troy University, which blew my mind. Because if that's true, that must be the single prettiest school anywhere in America.

Speaker 2

10:43

But when we contacted Troy, it turns out the pageant got to that $2.6 million by multiplying the value of a single scholarship by 48, the number of competitors who could theoretically accept it. Even though the actual number of contestants who accepted a scholarship that year was, and you are not going to believe this, 0. Absolute 0. Meaning that the difference between the money they provided and the money they awarded was all of the money they provided.

Speaker 2

11:16

And at this point, we just had to stop because it was 35 minutes ago and we had to take this show. But it does seem that 2 things are true. 1, Miss America gives out way less than $45 million in scholarships. And yet, 2, whatever the number is, 1 thing does still seem to be troublingly true.

Speaker 12

11:37

The Miss America organization is actually the largest provider of scholarships to women in the world.

Speaker 2

11:43

Yeah, because even their lowest number is more than any other women-only scholarship that we could find. More than the Society of Women Engineers, whose website is here. More than the Patsy Mink Foundation, here.

Speaker 2

11:55

And more than the Jeanette Rankin Women's Scholarship Fund, here. All of which you can donate to, if you want to change the fact that currently, the biggest scholarship program exclusively for women in America requires you to be unmarried with a mint-conditioned uterus... -...and also rewards working knowledge of buttock adhesive technology. -...which is just a little bit unsettling.

Speaker 2

12:19

And in fact, let me try to explain why to the Miss America organization, through the only medium it seems to value, 20-second conversations with women in evening dresses and sashes. Please join me.

Speaker 1

12:32

♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ Welcome to Miss Last Week Tonight. I'm proud to say as of now we

Speaker 2

12:43

are the world's largest provider of scholarships for women because tonight 400 million 1 dollar scholarships will be made available to the winner of which she may choose just 1. So let's bring out our first contestant, Miss First Contestant. Radiant.

Speaker 2

13:02

Question number 1. What does the continued existence of the Miss America pageant say about how women are viewed in America? You have 20 seconds. Go.

Speaker 13

13:11

Beginning with the Seneca Falls Convention in 1848 that spurred first-wave feminism, the perception of women in America has always been complex and fluid. While it is theoretically possible that Miss America could evolve into a purely academic scholarship organization, at this point in time, the notion that beauty pageants are about anything other than outer beauty is belied both by the continued existence of the swimsuit portion and the fact that I'm expected to answer this question in just 20 seconds. Thank you very much.

Speaker 1

13:40

That's a very tremendous, tremendous... Beautiful. And now please welcome our final contender, Miss Kathy Griffin.

Speaker 1

13:48

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 1

13:53

Miss Kathy, your question.

Speaker 2

13:56

When providing access to scholarships, is there any place whatsoever for the judgment of a woman's body.

Speaker 14

14:02

Oh, I have no problem with that at

Speaker 1

14:04

all. Wait.

Speaker 2

14:04

What? Really?

Speaker 14

14:06

Nope. No problem whatsoever. As long as men are subjected to the same demeaning process. Let me show you what I mean.

Speaker 14

14:12

Giuseppe, get out here.

Speaker 1

14:13

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Oh, shit.

Speaker 1

14:17

Okay. All right.

Speaker 2

14:18

What exactly are you doing

Speaker 1

14:19

here, Kathy?

Speaker 14

14:20

All right, I am judging you as a host next to him.

Speaker 1

14:23

Well.

Speaker 14

14:24

All right, John, walk that runway. Give us a twirl.

Speaker 1

14:27

Shit, it's just. Well, hosting's about a lot more than looks, Kathy. It's about just...

Speaker 1

14:34

Now, don't do that with your hands. It's not just about looks, Kathy.

Speaker 14

14:38

Well, look, that's only 20% of your total score. Now, I'm giving this 1 to Giuseppe because, frankly, he wins on muscle mass, legs, and, of course, construction of the head.

Speaker 2

14:46

Okay, okay, okay. I get your point.

Speaker 14

14:49

No, let me explain why I'm giving you a lower score. I look at Giuseppe and I want to have sex with him. I look at you and I want to have sex with Giuseppe.

Speaker 1

14:56

Oh, come on, Kathy. I'm a good person, Kathy.

Speaker 14

14:59

You know what? I am calling it. Giuseppe wins!

Speaker 14

15:01

No! No, what Giuseppe wins?

Speaker 1

15:04

No, get off me, Giuseppe! I'm not happy for you! I'm not happy for you!

Speaker 1

15:07

I feel terrible about myself. Pageants are horrible. They're horrible. Do you know what?

Speaker 1

15:13

That's our show. My thanks to Kathy Griffin. My thanks to Kathy Griffin. F*** you, Giuseppe.

Speaker 1

15:20

I feel bad about myself.