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Speaker 1

00:00

-♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ Hello there. I am John Oliver, host of Last Week Tonight. We are still on hiatus this week, and please know that wherever I am right now, I am badly sunburnt. Even if I've been inside the whole time, I'm still badly sunburned.

Speaker 1

00:19

But we wanted to give a quick back-to-school video for the many students who are returning to school to prepare you for the upcoming academic year. And I will try, therefore, not to swear for the next few minutes. But frankly, after a year and a half of being on HBO, I honestly don't know if that is f***ing possible. So...

Speaker 1

00:38

Whoops. So, let's go class by class. First, American history. Listen, the only thing you need to learn about this is something that they are almost definitely not going to teach you, and that is Warren G.

Speaker 1

00:50

Harding's love life. Which, believe me, was spectacular. Seriously, Google Warren G. Harding penis name Jerry right now, and you will not be disappointed.

Speaker 1

01:01

Although to do that, you may have to switch safe search off. So let's move straight on to world history. You are going to hear a lot in school about European explorers and colonists. Now, as adults, you will realize that these men were basically genocidal lunatics, But for now, enjoy thinking of them as thrilling adventurers and discoverers.

Speaker 1

01:21

You will also learn that Africa and Asia are places, but that's about it. -♪ ♪ -♪ You will leave school knowing as much about those 2 continents as I know about actor Penn Badgley. You'll know it's something that exists in the world, but you won't be able to give any facts about it other than the general shape. So, let's move on to math.

Speaker 1

01:46

You're going to be repeatedly told you need this when you grow up. That is bullshit. You will need addition, subtraction, multiplication and division, which, where I'm from, were called the original Fab 4. But That is it.

Speaker 1

02:00

I'm an adult with a job, and I cannot remember if a logarithm is some kind of exponent, Kenny Loggins' first album, or a method of lumberjack birth control. I don't know. So, ignore it. Just ignore it.

Speaker 1

02:14

And move on. Biology. Let's talk about biology. You may have to dissect a frog this year, in which case, if you do, the most lasting lesson will be what frog embalming fluid smells like.

Speaker 1

02:25

You will never forget it. Seriously, you will forget your first kiss before that stench leaves your nostrils. Let's move on to chemistry. This is going to be disappointing.

Speaker 1

02:36

Unless you have a really good teacher, you probably won't even learn how to cook meth. And that's really all anyone's in it for. And Finally, English class. This was my favorite, because it's basically just essay writing.

Speaker 1

02:50

You can't be wrong. The biggest mistake you can make is forgetting who dies at the end of a book. So we have made a handy guide to who dies at the end of things. So, This will help you.

Speaker 1

03:01

For example, at the end of Mice and Men, Lenny dies, also some rabbits, and a woman with rabbit-like qualities. -... At the end of Romeo and Juliet, both Romeo and Juliet die, but you actually don't feel that bad about it. In The Jungle by Upton Sinclair, lots of animals die, and so, in a way, does the American dream.

Speaker 1

03:23

In The Great Gatsby, Gatsby, George, and Tom's mistress all die, and the American dream does too. And at the end of death of a salesman, spoiler alert, the salesman dies, but in a plot twist, he was the American Dream the whole time. -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ You genuinely do not need to read any of those right now. In fact, you basically just graduated your upcoming high school year.

Speaker 1

03:43

So enjoy your well-earned time off, and join us September the 13th, when Last Week Tonight returns on HBO. Goodbye. -♪ Whoo! -♪ -♪ I'm out of here!

Speaker 1

03:52

-♪ I'm out of here! -♪ -♪ I'm out of here!