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Speaker 1

00:00

-♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ Canada. The country you think about so little, that's it, end of sentence. But that's a shame, because Canada is an important country. They're our largest trading partner, and the U.S.-Canadian border is the longest in the world, stretching all the way from the coastal town of Who Gives a Shit Alaska to the small fishing village of Great Whatever, Maine.

Speaker 1

00:23

-♪

Speaker 2

00:23

Who gives

Speaker 1

00:23

a shit Alaska? ♪ -♪

Speaker 2

00:24

Who gives

Speaker 1

00:24

a shit Alaska? ♪ And this makes it a little sad that you probably don't know, Canada is having a major election soon. And by soon, I mean tomorrow, which is in around 50 minutes.

Speaker 1

00:35

So by the time we're done, you'll have waited until literally almost the last moment to learn the first thing about the Canadian election. An election, by the way, of historic proportions.

Speaker 2

00:45

Today, a 78-day campaign begins. By any standards, grueling, and the longest on record since the 19th century.

Speaker 1

00:55

Okay, okay. Thinking 78 days is a long campaign is absolutely

Speaker 3

01:00

adorable. It's like

Speaker 1

01:02

a woman who has only ever seen 1 penis saying, that's the longest 1 ever. There couldn't possibly be 1 longer than that. But I have to say, they've packed a lot into those 78 days, particularly in the local races, where 1 conservative candidate, Jerry Banz, the owner of an appliance repair business, withdrew for a truly breathtaking reason.

Speaker 4

01:23

Well, Mr. Bantz had the misfortune of being caught up in a marketplace investigation into the ethics of appliance repair businesses who do house calls. Jerry Bantz responded to a service call at a house that was equipped with hidden cameras as part of the marketplace investigation, and those cameras caught him urinating in a homeowner's coffee mug, dumping the urine into a kitchen sink, giving it a quick rinse, and then putting it back into the sink.

Speaker 1

01:48

Oh! That is absolutely disgusting. Although, it is surprising Canada was so shocked about urine in a mug, considering that's exactly what La Bat Blue tastes like. And, But amazingly, amazingly, that's not even the most surprising scandal in Canada's local races.

Speaker 5

02:05

An NDP candidate in Hamilton, Ontario, is apologizing for making a joke about a Nazi death camp. In a 2008 Facebook posting, Alex Johnston said a picture of an electrified fence post at Auschwitz looked phallic. According to the Hamilton Spectator, Johnston says she did not know what Auschwitz was until now.

Speaker 5

02:26

Wow!

Speaker 1

02:27

That is parading 2 different kinds of ignorance. Not knowing what Auschwitz is, and if she thinks that's phallic, not knowing what a penis looks like. And this kind of makes you wonder, who is running the schools up in Canada?

Speaker 5

02:41

Johnston, a social worker by training, is the vice chair of the Hamilton-Wentworth District School Board and a school trustee.

Speaker 1

02:48

Yes, she helped run a school board. That would explain why their history curriculum includes the textbook, Poland 1939 to 45, Things That Look Like Dicks, mainly. --LAUGHTER --And know what you're thinking.

Speaker 1

03:01

Who cares about Canada's least qualified school board member and mug dick the handyman? These are just local elections. But the thing is, Canadians don't elect their prime minister directly. That's decided by how many MPs each party gets.

Speaker 1

03:15

So these local races are vital to who becomes Canada's next leader. And the polls are split between the 3 major parties. The New Democratic Party, or NDP, the Liberal Party, and the Conservatives. It's a good old-fashioned Canadian three-way.

Speaker 1

03:31

Which is also the sex act in which 3 people apologize to each other so hard they all climax. --LAUGHTER --The socialist NDP began the election ahead in the polls, but they've since lost momentum, partly because their leader, Tom Mulcair, widely thought to be an excellent legislator, has not been the most comfortable campaigner. Here is Mulcair trying out some slogans.

Speaker 6

03:53

Health care, child care, pharma care, Mulcair.

Speaker 1

03:58

-♪

Speaker 2

03:58

You're the best, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Speaker 1

04:00

♪ -♪

Speaker 2

04:01

You're the best, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ -♪ You're the best, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Speaker 1

04:06

♪

Speaker 6

04:07

This is what change looks like.

Speaker 1

04:09

Oh... You are not what change looks like. I mean, I understand you're talking about your policies, but still, change, visually, does not look like Paul Giamatti's uncle reading a rhyming dictionary. Now, as for the Liberal Party, they are currently in the lead, campaigning on a platform of tax breaks for the middle class, and a plan to run a three-year deficit to boost the economy and ease the strain of austerity measures.

Speaker 1

04:32

Their leader is Justin Trudeau, son of former Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau, a legendary political figure in Canada. Although, there is some concern that Justin Trudeau may not be quite as smart as his father, as a journalist who's covered him concedes.

Speaker 6

04:47

His father was considered sort of intellectually brilliant smart. Does he have that kind of smarts?

Speaker 7

04:54

No. And he will tell you that himself. But he, he has... I think other people have used this word too, he has an emotional intelligence that Pierre Trudeau didn't have.

Speaker 1

05:08

Ouch! Ouch! Emotional intelligence. That is the kind of made-up quality you might find on a report card from a Montessori school.

Speaker 1

05:17

Well done, Zayden, you got a squirrel on emotional intelligence. But on actual intelligence, you got a frowning walrus, which is an F. That's an F, Zayden. Let's make that walrus smile.

Speaker 1

05:30

Now, while growing up in the public eye has given Justin Trudeau name recognition, it also has had its drawbacks. For instance, if you do a Google image search on him, you can find every poor fashion choice that he's ever made, from a 90s boy band member 1 week before entering rehab, to an L.L. Bean sweater model who just underwent a lobotomy to Johnny Depp's evil twin. And it's not just photos.

Speaker 1

05:55

There's also embarrassing videos out there, like this 1, in which he explains his party trick of pretending to fall down a flight of stairs.

Speaker 2

06:04

Let

Speaker 8

06:04

me show you how it normally works. I put a person here, and I'm passing, so it's like, hey, how are you?

Speaker 7

06:09

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Speaker 1

06:10

-♪♪ -♪♪ What? Look, look, look, look. No 1 is saying that that is behavior worthy of a head of state, but you cannot deny that it is somewhat satisfying to watch a soul-patched man namer, Justin, with a French accent, just fall down some stairs.

Speaker 1

06:31

There's something there that's good about it. And Trudeau's opponents have used his lightweight reputation against him by running ads like these. Is Justin ready? Justin thinks budgets balance themselves.

Speaker 1

06:42

But Justin hasn't thought that through.

Speaker 2

06:45

Justin doesn't understand the consequences.

Speaker 1

06:46

Justin, he's just not ready. Now, repeatedly calling him Justin is actually very clever. Because the more you say that name, the less ready for office he sounds.

Speaker 1

06:58

The name Justin doesn't convey leadership so much as it conveys an unwillingness to sit still at the pediatrician's office, or ownership of a system of a down tattoo halfway through a painful laser removal process. Those are the 2 types of Justin that exist, and just those 2. -♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ But despite these concerns, polls show that Justin is currently leading incumbent Prime Minister Stephen Harper, a man who, thanks to Canada's lack of term limits, has already been in office for almost 10 years. And while Trudeau has been painted as a charismatic pretty boy, no 1 has ever said either of those things about Stephen Harper.

Speaker 1

07:35

Just watch him try to appear relatable.

Speaker 6

07:38

Something you might not know about me is that I love movies and TV shows. 1 of my all-time favorites is breaking bad. It's even available on some online streaming services if you've never seen it.

Speaker 1

07:50

-♪ ♪ -♪ -♪ ♪ I love movies and TV shows. Isn't a statement that wins over voters? It's what an alien in disguise as a human tells you while trying to fit in at a dinner party.

Speaker 1

08:04

-... -... But don't be deceived by his bland exterior. Where there is banality, there is evil.

Speaker 1

08:12

For instance, Harper's government has passed numerous laws weakening Canada's environmental protections. They've scaled back health care for some refugees, which a federal court called cruel and unusual. And Harper himself has taken an extremely strong position on marijuana.

Speaker 6

08:28

There's just overwhelming and growing scientific and medical evidence about the bad long-term effects of marijuana. We've spent a couple of generations trying to reduce the usage of tobacco in Canada with a lot of success. Tobacco is a product that does a lot of damage.

Speaker 6

08:44

Marijuana is infinitely worse.

Speaker 1

08:47

Are you high? Marijuana is not worse than tobacco. The only context in which that's true is aesthetics.

Speaker 1

08:55

Look at Paul Newman, okay? Now look at whatever the fuck this is. Marijuana is infinitely worse in that context and that context alone. But Harper's ugliest tendency is perhaps his pandering to Islamophobes.

Speaker 1

09:10

Earlier this year, his government passed a law called the 0 Tolerance for Barbaric Cultural Practices Act, stiffening penalties for things like honor killing and polygamy, despite the fact both those things were already illegal in Canada. And then a few weeks ago, they suggested a Barbaric Cultural Practices hotline, despite the fact 9-1-1 continues to exist in Canada. And this is on top of the fact that they once banned women from wearing the kneecab while taking the oath of citizenship, a decision that Harper justified during a French-language debate like this.

Speaker 9

09:42

I would never tell my daughter that

Speaker 10

09:45

a woman should cover her face because she's a woman. I would never say that.

Speaker 1

09:49

Okay. For a start, if Stephen Harper's daughter is covering her face, it's probably because she understandably does not want to be seen in public with Stephen fucking Harper. But This isn't a debate about his parenting, it's a debate about forbidding 1 particular religious practice. And to hear from 1 of the women affected by the ban, she did not appreciate it.

Speaker 2

10:09

How do you explain to Canadians why it's so important to keep your veil on while taking the oath?

Speaker 11

10:16

Because the Canadi... I actually chose this country for the reason is it provides me with the freedom of my... To practice on my religion as well.

Speaker 1

10:27

And Canada's federal courts actually agreed with her because she sued Harper's government and won, presumably arguing that if Harper was happy to let Canadians interact with their government dressed like this, she should be allowed to wear whatever the f*** she wants. And if all of that... If all of that were not enough to make you hate Stephen Harper, there's also the fact that he has a band.

Speaker 1

10:51

A terrible, terrible band. ♪ We can't find a partner ♪ ♪ To

Speaker 2

11:00

turn this never-ending tune into a...

Speaker 1

11:04

♪ That is Stephen Harper murdering Sweet Caroline with his actual band that he chose to call The Van Cats, an apparent play on Van Capre to represent 24 Sussex, the name of the Prime Minister's residence. So to recap there, Harper's band's name is not just a shitty pun, it's a shitty French pun on the fact that he's Prime Minister of Canada. That is the least rock and roll thing imaginable until, until you see this photo of Stephen Harper with the lead singer of Nickelback.

Speaker 1

11:38

And look, look, I know it's hard for Americans to care about this, but think of it this way. Picture your next-door neighbor. You may not be great friends with her, but you'd be sad if she started dating a complete and utter dickhead. Well, Canada is America's next-door neighbor, and Stephen Harper is her dickhead boyfriend.

Speaker 1

12:00

You know, the 1 she won't split up with despite the fact he tells her what to wear and makes her listen to his shitty, shitty band. And I would love to tell the people of Canada right now to vote Stephen Harper out of office. Unfortunately, and this is amazing, it's against Canadian law. Specifically, Section 331 of the Canada Elections Act, which states, no person who does not reside in Canada shall induce electors to vote or refrain from voting for a particular candidate.

Speaker 1

12:28

And apparently, anyone found guilty of doing that could be fined up to $5,000, given a six-month jail term, or both. That is a ridiculous law, and I guess what you're saying, Canada, is... You wanna dance? -...is that what you're saying?

Speaker 1

12:46

-'Cause... If you wanna dance, Canada, bring your best moves, because it's nearly midnight and Johnny's got his dancing shoes on.

Speaker 3

12:55

AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUT You think

Speaker 1

12:56

I'm scared of 6 months in Canadian prison? What's that? 6 months of living in Ottawa?

Speaker 1

13:03

Yes! That's right. Keep yourself warm with that Ottawa burn. And as for your $5,000 fine, I simply can't imagine a better way to spend $5,000 Canadian dollars.

Speaker 1

13:16

But if telling you not to vote for Stephen Harper is going to cost me $5,000, I'm gonna get my money's worth. And I'm gonna do it in the most Canadian way possible. So please, come with me. -♪ Whoo!

Speaker 1

13:28

-♪ Because I'm going to tell you not to vote for Stephen Harper alongside this beaver playing Sweet Caroline on the keyboard, and this moose receiving a colonoscopy under Canada's fantastic single-payer healthcare system. And finally, with the help of 1 of Canada's finest sons, Mike Myers

Speaker 3

13:47

dressed as a mountain riding a snowplough. Yes! It doesn't get more Canadian.

Speaker 3

13:55

It just doesn't get more Canadian than this. I think I have your full attention, Canada! Oh yes! Oh yes!

Speaker 3

14:07

Yes,

Speaker 2

14:08

yes. Hi Mike, hi. Hey John, how are you?

Speaker 3

14:14

Thank you, Thank you

Speaker 1

14:15

so much for doing this. Is there anything you'd like to say at this point?

Speaker 12

14:18

Yes, there's lots I'd like to say. I love Canada, but the fact that it has a law banning outsiders from telling Canadians how to vote is 1 of the least Canadian things possible. Sure.

Speaker 8

14:30

Oh, and don't vote for Stephen Harper.

Speaker 1

14:34

Exactly. Exactly. Don't do it. And I'll tell you why.

Speaker 1

14:38

Stephen Harper doesn't care about black people.

Speaker 3

14:43

Oh, God.

Speaker 1

14:45

Not again! Sorry. What I meant to say was Stephen Harper doesn't care about Muslim people.

Speaker 1

14:52

Totally fair.

Speaker 12

14:54

There you go. I think he made that pretty clear.

Speaker 3

14:56

I think it was painful.

Speaker 1

14:57

So please, do not vote for Stephen Harper.

Speaker 12

14:59

Yeah, don't do it.

Speaker 1

15:00

Shall we? Don't.

Speaker 3

15:02

Yeah, look at this.

Speaker 12

15:03

Here's your

Speaker 3

15:03

5,000 Canada. Here's your 5,000. Take it.

Speaker 3

15:09

Take it all.

Speaker 2

15:15

You