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Speaker 1

00:00

-♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ The 2016 election, or as it's commonly known, a horrifying glimpse at Satan's Pinterest boards, 2016. This week was the Democratic National Convention, and after the bizarre Republican circus that preceded it. All they really had to do was not appear like a complete disaster. And yet, somehow...

Speaker 2

00:23

Good evening. They're party's chairman off the program, an apparent Russian email hack, and now a revolt among Bernie Sanders supporters. Welcome to day 1 of the Democratic National Convention.

Speaker 1

00:34

That was day 1! Day 1! The DNC got off to the roughest start that I've seen since Fox 5's 2011 coverage of the San Diego Boat Show.

Speaker 3

00:45

Good morning, everybody. I'm hanging out with my friend John, Fox 5 morning news starts. Look over there.

Speaker 3

00:49

And it starts right now!

Speaker 1

00:51

-♪ ♪ -♪

Speaker 4

00:54

HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING

Speaker 1

00:57

♪ -♪ ♪ That is basically what happened on day 1 of the DNC in a nutshell. Because before Debbie Wasserman Schultz could even gavel in the convention, a leaked email scandal had forced her to resign, and Bernie Sanders supporters gave her a rough reception when she met with her own state's delegation.

Speaker 5

01:17

We know that the voices in this room that are standing up and being disruptive, we know that that's not the Florida that we know.

Speaker 1

01:28

Oh, I'm sorry. Disruptive, borderline unhinged, and getting ready to fuck up a vote. That is literally the only Florida that we know.

Speaker 1

01:38

The only way that could be any more Florida is if 1 of the Bernie delegates was an aging, heavily armed racist alligator. Now, luckily for the Democrats, things gradually got back on track thanks to a series of stirring speeches, beginning with the First Lady.

Speaker 5

01:53

Today, I wake up every morning in a house that was built by slaves.

Speaker 4

01:59

And... -...and... -...and... -...and...

Speaker 4

02:01

-...and... -...and...

Speaker 5

02:03

-...and... -...and... -...and... -...and I watch my daughters...

Speaker 5

02:08

-...two beautiful, intelligent, black young women... -...who... -...playing with their dogs on the White House lawn.

Speaker 1

02:15

Now, whatever your party affiliation, that is a truly moving speech. The only thing I would say to the audience is, maybe don't start your round of applause directly following the phrase, -"Built

Speaker 4

02:27

by slaves."

Speaker 1

02:28

-$BILT BY SLAVES Oh, yeah, They did a lovely job. They had to. They had to do a good job.

Speaker 1

02:34

They had to. That's why. Lovely. Now, the next day, it was Bill Clinton's turn to fire up the crowd, retelling his relationship with Hillary, seemingly in real time.

Speaker 1

02:46

And then, Wednesday, on Wednesday, Joe Biden spoke, assuming the role of America's motivational cattle prod.

Speaker 3

02:53

We are America, second to none, and we own the finish line. Don't forget it. --CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS --God bless you all, and may God protect our troops.

Speaker 3

03:06

Come on. We're America.

Speaker 4

03:10

Thank you.

Speaker 1

03:12

Come on! Come on! Once he has left the White House, Biden is going to be the most inspiring soul-cycle instructor ever.

Speaker 1

03:20

Come on! Peddle! You own the finish line, Kaitlan! Come on!

Speaker 1

03:25

Peddle like the wind! Now... Biden was actually the warm-up man for the president, who, like many speakers throughout the week, occasionally lapsed into a tone of actual disbelief at what America might be considering doing this election.

Speaker 6

03:40

People outside of the United States do not understand...

Speaker 1

03:44

-...

Speaker 6

03:45

What's going on in this election. -...they

Speaker 4

03:48

really don't.

Speaker 6

03:48

-...they really don't.

Speaker 1

03:49

That's actually true. -...they really don't. -...they really don't.

Speaker 1

03:52

The rest of the world does not understand Trump's candidacy any more than they understand the menu at Guy Fieri's American Kitchen. This is donkey sauce. Is it made from actual donkey? Why do you do this to yourself?

Speaker 1

04:07

Why?

Speaker 7

04:08

Why?

Speaker 1

04:09

-... But the emotional highlight of the convention was undoubtedly a speech by Kizza Khan, a lawyer, immigrant, and father of a fallen Muslim American soldier.

Speaker 7

04:20

Donald Trump, you're asking Americans to trust you with their future. Let me ask you, have you even read the United States Constitution?

Speaker 1

04:36

-♪ ♪ -() -()

Speaker 7

04:40

I will... -() I will gladly lend you... -() ...my copy.

Speaker 1

04:48

Oh, shit! -() That is an American founding document being inspirationally used as a middle finger. I did not know that was technically possible.

Speaker 1

05:01

And here's the thing, it wasn't even the most devastating part of Mr. Khan's speech.

Speaker 7

05:08

Have you ever been to Arlington Cemetery? Go look at the graves of brave patriots who died defending United States of America. You will see all faiths, genders, and ethnicities.

Speaker 1

05:27

-...

Speaker 7

05:30

You have sacrificed nothing... -...and no 1.

Speaker 1

05:38

Wow. That engendered in me a level of emotion that I did not think was possible after 16 months of this depressing campaign and 39 years on Earth as a British person. -♪ ♪ -♪ And yet, the truth here is, however incredible the surrogate speeches are, conventions are really judged by the performances of the 2 people on the party's ticket. So, how did they fare?

Speaker 1

06:01

Well, let's start with Tim Kaine, a human sweater vest. He's... He's basically the portrait of a vice president that came with the frame. -♪ ♪ -() His speech...

Speaker 1

06:13

His speech was Exactly as boring as you would expect, with the exception of his almost impressively bad Trump impression.

Speaker 8

06:21

It's gonna be great, believe me.

Speaker 1

06:23

-♪ ♪ -♪

Speaker 8

06:25

We're gonna build a wall and make Mexico pay for it, believe me.

Speaker 1

06:28

-♪ ♪

Speaker 8

06:30

We're gonna destroy ISIS so fast, believe me.

Speaker 1

06:33

What the fuck was that? That doesn't sound like him at all. How is this man gonna win an election if he couldn't even win a game of cranium?

Speaker 1

06:43

I don't know, is it Jackie Gleason? Brad Garrett? Fuck it, Tim, just mold whoever it is out of clay. We have no chance here!

Speaker 1

06:51

-... And as for Hillary Clinton, on the night of her historic nomination, she stood before the nation in full pit bull cosplay. -... Had...

Speaker 1

07:01

She had a... Genuinely stupid amount of balloons dropped on her head. And in between, delivered a speech focusing on the actual job requirements of being president.

Speaker 9

07:12

I sweat the details of policy, whether We're talking about the exact level of lead and the drinking water in Flint, Michigan, the number of mental health facilities in Iowa, or the cost of your prescription drugs. --AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS --Because... It's not just a detail if it's your kid, if it's your family.

Speaker 9

07:35

It's a big deal.

Speaker 1

07:37

It was a kind of interesting approach. Instead of soaring rhetoric, the bulk of her speech was basically, I'm gonna micromanage the shit out of this office. I'm gonna get granular as fuck.

Speaker 1

07:50

Now drop the balloons and I will count them all. I'm all about the details. It was definitely a restrained speech to close a convention, especially when you compare it to the week before when Donald Trump essentially opened his mouth and exhaled a swarm of locusts. -...

Speaker 1

08:09

But now that both conventions are behind us, maybe we should try and take stock of what they have taught us about the current state of our 2 political parties. The DNC showed the Democrats to be a coalition of constantly squabbling, if fundamentally like-minded, Katy Perry fans. And as for the RNC, it showed that the Republican Party doesn't seem to currently exist. Because to all intents and purposes, we didn't really get a Republican convention this year.

Speaker 1

08:37

I mean, sure, there was a Cleveland-based gathering of delegates featuring all of Donald Trump's favorite family members and Tiffany, and celebrities whose most notable upcoming projects include the Emmy Awards in memoriam reel, probably. But... But almost everything that you would expect from a GOP convention was absent. Many prominent Republicans chose to skip it, as did both living Republican former presidents.

Speaker 1

09:05

And for the party of Reagan, the tone was unusually and relentlessly negative.

Speaker 10

09:10

Not only have our citizens endured domestic disaster, But they've lived through 1 international humiliation after another, 1 after another.

Speaker 1

09:24

What is he even talking about, then? Only 1 major international humiliation from recent history comes to mind, and it's the 1 standing behind that podium. And this left...

Speaker 1

09:37

This left the Democrats wide open to pick up the mantle of people who actually like living here.

Speaker 5

09:45

Don't let anyone ever tell you that this country isn't great. That somehow, we need to make it great again. Because this right now, is the greatest country on Earth.

Speaker 1

09:57

Yes, the greatest country on Earth. You hear that, Denmark? You go f-ck yourself!

Speaker 1

10:01

--LAUGHTER --Yeah! I don't care what the World Happiness Index says, Michelle Obama told me that we're number 1 and her arms make me feel safe. So, unusually, the DNC felt like the more patriotic occasion. It featured America's greatest actress, dressed up like a plastic tablecloth from the Fourth of July, and General John Allen screaming at people.

Speaker 11

10:26

To our enemies, we will pursue you as only America can. You will fear us, and to ISIS and others, we will defeat you. -♪ We will

Speaker 4

10:37

defeat you ♪ -♪ We will defeat you

Speaker 1

10:38

♪ -♪

Speaker 4

10:39

We will defeat you ♪ -♪ We will defeat you

Speaker 1

10:41

♪ -♪

Speaker 4

10:41

We will defeat

Speaker 1

10:42

you ♪ -♪ We will defeat you ♪ Who... Who are you shouting at? -♪ We will defeat you ♪ -♪ We will defeat you ♪ ISIS is not watching the DNC.

Speaker 1

10:49

They're watching Braxton Family Values. It's Thursday, fool. But that is, think about it, that is a retired four-star Marine general threatening vaguely defined enemies while a crowd wave signs reading, -"USA." -$USA. That is not something you expect to see at a Democratic convention.

Speaker 1

11:08

Not because Democrats aren't patriotic, but because Republicans have always done that louder and longer. This whole 2 weeks felt topsy-turvy. It's frankly no wonder that commentators felt a little confused.

Speaker 12

11:21

If you were a Martian and you came down and looked at these 2 conventions and somebody asked you, which of the 2 parties is the most overtly patriotic? You would say the Democratic Party.

Speaker 1

11:31

Okay, but if you were a Martian who landed on Earth and someone asked you which party seemed more patriotic, you would probably say, wait, that's your question? I'm literally an alien. Is there nothing else you want to ask me?

Speaker 1

11:46

How was your trip, for example? Or what was Tilda Swinton like as a kid? You know, usually, I'm not gonna say usually, people's first question for me is, why is your penis made of pure, glowing white light? -'Cause it's white.

Speaker 1

12:00

-'Cause it's white. But the reason the Republican Party essentially forgot to celebrate America this year might be because they were too busy celebrating Donald Trump's claims that he would fix whatever Donald Trump thinks is wrong with America.

Speaker 10

12:14

Nobody knows the system better than me.

Speaker 1

12:18

-... -... -... -...

Speaker 1

12:26

-... -...

Speaker 10

12:28

Which is why I alone can fix it. When I take the oath of office next year, I will restore law and order to our country. I am your voice.

Speaker 1

12:43

Now, now, I am your voice is actually a fair claim. He does speak for some people, although you would kind of hope that they would then react the way most people do when they hear their own voice, which is to say, oh, shit, I don't actually sound like that, do I? That is fucking horrifying.

Speaker 1

12:59

-♪ ♪ -♪ The RNC taught us that a party which used to be organized around a set of shared principles is currently organized around 1 man. And given that that is the case, his judgment is pretty much the only thing that is important when considering who to vote for in November. So to that end, I would like to show you something he said recently, and before I do, he has clearly said countless awful things throughout this campaign, any of which would disqualify any other candidate. Just this week, he declined yet again to release his tax returns, lied about getting a letter from the NFL agreeing with him that the debate shouldn't clash with football games, called Angela Merkel a moron, implied that Brazil brought the Zika virus on themselves, and encouraged a foreign powers hack of his political rival.

Speaker 1

13:46

Now, 2 of those didn't happen, but you're not sure which 2, and that's kind of the point, isn't it? Because Trump hasn't said 1 crazy thing. He's said thousands of crazy things, each of which blunts the effect of the others. It's the bed of nails principle.

Speaker 1

14:04

If you step on 1 nail, it hurts you. If you step on a thousand nails, no single 1 stands out and you're fine. That is how Donald Trump has managed to say pretty much anything in this campaign, seemingly without consequences. And yet, even with that caveat, his response when asked about that speech from Khizr Khan stands out.

Speaker 13

14:26

I saw him. He was, you know, very emotional and probably looked like a nice guy to me. His wife, if you look at his wife, she was standing there, she had nothing to say.

Speaker 13

14:38

She probably, maybe she wasn't allowed to have anything to say, you tell me, but plenty of people have written that. She was extremely quiet, and it looked like she had nothing to say.

Speaker 1

14:49

Okay, for a start, his wife has explained that she chose not to speak because she gets too upset when she sees images of her dead son's face, you fucking arsehole. But, but, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. -♪ I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry ♪ -♪ I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1

15:04

Please continue.

Speaker 6

15:06

He said you have sacrificed nothing and no 1.

Speaker 13

15:09

Well, that sounds... Who wrote that? Did Hillary's scriptwriters write it?

Speaker 6

15:13

How would you answer that, Father? What sacrifice have you made for your country?

Speaker 13

15:16

I think I've made a lot of sacrifices. I work very, very hard. I've created thousands and thousands of jobs, tens of thousands of jobs.

Speaker 13

15:26

Built great structures. I've done... I've had tremendous success.

Speaker 4

15:31

I think

Speaker 6

15:31

I've done a lot. Those are sacrifices?

Speaker 13

15:33

Oh, sure, I think they're sacrifices. No!

Speaker 1

15:36

No, they are absolutely not! They are self-serving half-truths from a self-serving half-man who has somehow convinced half the country that sacrifice is the same thing as success. Honestly, the main takeaway from these 2 weeks is that, incredibly, we may be on the brink of electing such a damaged, sociopathic narcissist that the simple presidential duty of comforting the families of fallen soldiers may actually be beyond his capabilities.

Speaker 1

16:04

And I genuinely did not think that that was a part of the job that someone could be bad at. And now, this.

Speaker 8

16:12

And finally this week, some more highlights from the Democratic National Convention.

Speaker 11

16:17

To hell with Trump's American nightmare. We believe in the American dream.

Speaker 14

16:23

The right wing has thrown everything at Hillary. Not only the kitchen sink, Not only the stove, but the refrigerator and the toaster stew. We'll fight for the macro issues and those macaroni and cheese issues.

Speaker 3

16:40

Put down your Pokemon Go for just a second. We're naming Donald Trump to our dirty dozen list. Dirty, dangerous, denying Donald.

Speaker 3

16:50

Shade...

Speaker 5

16:53

Boy, bye.

Speaker 15

16:54

They threw her down in this very campaign! This campaign! But she won't stay through!

Speaker 15

17:00

No! She ain't gonna stay through! She won't stay through!

Speaker 10

17:03

And it's true. I haven't really gotten the bolo-tie look to catch on.

Speaker 14

17:07

She was the first person to call me when my second child was born. I don't know what that says about my family. The Hillary I

Speaker 5

17:16

know, she loves HGTV, and she can devour buffalo wings, whether on a car, plane, or

Speaker 4

17:24

train. Hillary! Hillary! Hillary!

Speaker 6

17:29

Hillary! It's healing time. It's hope time. It's Hillary time.

Speaker 6

17:35

It's healing time. It's hope time. It's Hillary time. It's healing time, it's hope time.

Speaker 15

17:54

You better listen to me, I said she won't. Stay through.