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Speaker 1

00:00

♪♪ Before we go, this is our final show of the year, and we just want to thank you so much for watching. Clearly, this has been a dark time to be producing a comedy show, but incredibly, we have managed to have some fun this year. We sponsored a marble league, We made stamps to help the postal service. We tracked down this magnificent piece of rat erotica, which, alongside this painting by Larry Kudlow's wife, and this painting of Wendy Williams eating a lamb chop, could be coming soon to a museum near you.

Speaker 1

00:27

We made a show for cats. I got into a fight with Danbury, Connecticut, which resulted in them naming a sewage plant after me. John Cena delivered a message about conspiracy theories for us while taking off his shirt, something, and I cannot stress this enough, we did not ask him to do. And the fact that he did that unprompted makes it even funnier.

Speaker 1

00:44

And of course, I spent the whole year demanding that Adam Driver demolish me. Crush my larynx, you unwieldy boulder. Explode my... Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1

00:56

Oh, shit.

Speaker 2

00:58

Hey, John.

Speaker 1

00:59

Oh, wow, Adam Driver! Can't believe you're calling. Oh, good.

Speaker 1

01:03

Listen to me.

Speaker 2

01:04

What the fuck are you doing?

Speaker 1

01:05

Excuse me? This bit. Right.

Speaker 2

01:07

This bit. This thing you've been doing that's either sexual or violent.

Speaker 1

01:10

No, you know, I like to think of it more as a little of column A, little of column B.

Speaker 2

01:14

This strange, strange bit that for some reason you've pulled me into. What is it? When you first started doing it, it was easy for me to shrug it off.

Speaker 1

01:23

Especially with those shoulders, I bet.

Speaker 2

01:25

But then it kept going on

Speaker 1

01:26

and on and on and on. Bet you could shrug off the whole planet with those big

Speaker 2

01:29

peaks. Stop talking. Right. Do you realize, over this past year, what you've asked me to do to you?

Speaker 2

01:36

Collapse on your chest, tie your fingers in a square knot, step on your throat, shatter your knees, pull your heart out through your ear. What's wrong with you? You realize we're strangers, right? I don't know you.

Speaker 2

01:51

And now random people on the Internet stan us, claiming that you thirsting over me is a mood.

Speaker 1

01:57

You're right, Adam. I get it. I get it.

Speaker 2

01:58

I'm sick of people stopping me on the street and asking me if I'm gonna punch a hole in you like a marriage story wall.

Speaker 1

02:03

That's completely fair. Yep.

Speaker 2

02:05

And you know what? You should be ashamed of yourself. Yes.

Speaker 2

02:07

Because you know this was inappropriate.

Speaker 1

02:09

I do.

Speaker 2

02:09

Right? But just from the beginning, you were just like what?

Speaker 1

02:12

I was having some weird fun.

Speaker 2

02:15

Exactly.

Speaker 1

02:15

Yeah.

Speaker 2

02:15

And now you're what?

Speaker 1

02:17

I'm America's naughtiest bitch.

Speaker 2

02:21

Sure. But more importantly, you're... I'm...

Speaker 1

02:25

6 feet of nasty spankable bird meat crammed into a suit? Sorry! Oh, sorry!

Speaker 2

02:30

I'm trying to get you to say you're sorry. Jesus Christ, you deeply weird, small, small thing.

Speaker 1

02:35

I'm sorry, Adam. I'm truly, truly sorry. Consider this bit over.

Speaker 1

02:39

It's done. Okay.

Speaker 2

02:42

Right. It's fine. Look, it's been a rough year for everyone, and I can tell it's really gotten to you, sitting alone in your void. But I think maybe it might be time for you to step out of it for a bit.

Speaker 2

02:58

Get up from your chair. See what the world has to offer. Explore the space, man. Who knows, maybe you'll even discover some surprises along the way.

Speaker 1

03:09

Huh. Alright, yeah, I think I might. Just to be absolutely clear though, Adam, Are you giving me an order?

Speaker 2

03:19

Sure.

Speaker 1

03:20

Yeah, it's just, it didn't sound like an order.

Speaker 2

03:26

Explore the fucking space, you hollow-boned Mr. Bean cosplayer. Look around you, you underbaked gingerbread boy.

Speaker 1

03:35

Oh, God, that feels good.

Speaker 2

03:38

I hated this. Goodbye.

Speaker 1

03:40

I mean, that went really well. But you know what? Adam Driver is right.

Speaker 1

03:46

And hot and massive, But he's mainly right. Because I have been stuck in this empty void since March, and I'm realizing I haven't shown you any of it. Because it's actually much bigger than just this. Come with me.

Speaker 1

03:57

I'll give you a tour. As you can see, just off camera, there's more void. And a bit more. And then a bit more void after that.

Speaker 1

04:06

It's a truly enormous expanse of nothing. And this is where I've been all year long. Now Interestingly, this void doesn't conform to normal rules of physics. For example, the desk I've been sitting behind this whole time?

Speaker 1

04:22

It's up there. Weird, right? But I have to say, all of this does make me a little sad. Because we used to have an audience for this show.

Speaker 1

04:33

Also, I used to get to see the incredible people I make this show with, most of whom I miss very much, and 3 of whom I don't. 2 of you know who you are. And most importantly, we used to end our seasons with big stunts. Just 4 years ago, I blew up the year 2016, as if that was a very bad year.

Speaker 1

04:57

And it was. It was terrible. But this year, Holy shit! This has been a lot.

Speaker 1

05:05

For me, it's felt like the world has somehow both shrunk and expanded around me. I don't see anyone, I don't do anything, and I have no idea what's gonna happen next. Huh. A door?

Speaker 1

05:31

That's new. Wow. That's new. Wow.

Speaker 1

05:42

This might be the last time I see this blank void. Well, thanks for everything. You were really great at being white, depressing, and remarkably empty on the inside. And that is game recognizing game.

Speaker 1

05:59

Okay. Let's see what's on the other side. Oh, that makes sense. Look, this year has been an absolute parade of misery.

Speaker 1

06:28

In January alone, Australia was being ravaged by wildfires, Kobe Bryant died, and for a few days, it really seemed like America was about to go to war with Iran. That was all this year. And that was before the coronavirus exploded, and everything got even worse. Mass unemployment, evictions, that video of those celebrities singing Imagine.

Speaker 1

06:50

It was really terrible. On top of which, this year saw the deaths of Chadwick Boseman, John Lewis, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Plus, the confirmation of Amy Coney Barrett. I mean, for fuck's sake, 2020 made me learn who Carole Baskin is.

Speaker 1

07:06

It made me set up a Google alert for Carole Baskin so I'd immediately know if she was ever convicted for that thing. We're all pretty sure she did. This year ruined lives, jobs, concerts, and sanity. It also brought a new wave of wrenching videos of police brutality that brought on a national reckoning with race, and a ferocious and depressing backlash.

Speaker 1

07:28

And sure, the presidential election ended well, but it was grim to live through. And Trump won't actually leave office till next January. 2020 was absolutely terrible. And I really hope next year is going to be better, but the truth is, What happens next is up to all of us.

Speaker 1

07:47

It's gonna depend on how willing we are to fight, how well we learn from what's happened, and how much we are able to care about each other. So I don't know what happens next, but I do know what happens now. Let tomorrow be about solutions. Today is about vengeance.

Speaker 1

08:34

Fuck you 2020. Get fucked. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ That's it. That's our show.

Speaker 1

09:52

Thank you so much for watching this year. We'll be back next February. Please stay safe until then. Good night.

Speaker 1

10:15

♪♪ ♪♪ You you