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Speaker 1

00:00

-♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ Hello there, Internet. I'm John Oliver, host of Last Week Tonight. We are off this week, but I'm coming straight to YouTube exclusively to say, smash that like button, hit subscribe, click that notification bell, hit the little X on your browser, close your laptop and go outside because this whole video is about cereal. I'm aware that there is a lot going on in the world right now, but instead of focusing on any of that, I'd like to raise a subject that is near and dear to my heart, and that is, there simply aren't enough cereals.

Speaker 1

00:31

And to be clear, I don't mean in a food shortage sort of way, like we're running out of cereal and as a result, people are starving. Although, that might be the case, I don't actually know. I just mean that there aren't enough new cereals anymore. You might say that's a minor gripe, but think about it.

Speaker 1

00:47

We haven't had an exciting new cereal in what feels like a hundred years. Remember how thrilling cereal news used to be? Remember when Trix tried to unite a divided country by introducing Wild Berry Blue, a new fruit shape that wasn't just red or blue, but both? Of course you do.

Speaker 1

01:02

It was as controversial as it was delicious, and it represented what cereal could be at its best. Innovative, inexplicable, transformative. Remember when a presumably fatal factory error resulted in a cereal that was 100 percent crunchy fruit berries? Remember Reese's Puffs?

Speaker 1

01:19

When that first came out, no 1 even knew if that was legal. It was candy! For breakfast? The point is, when was the last time serial news penetrated the mainstream since then?

Speaker 1

01:30

I'll tell you, it fucking hasn't. In fact, in the last 10 years, there has been exactly 1 good cereal commercial, and it's this 1, which is 30 seconds of sheer perfection.

Speaker 2

01:40

No way. No, really, I think I could dunk on you. Maybe, but I bet I love Kellogg's Frosted Flakes more than you.

Speaker 2

01:48

You are funny. It's the truth, Tony. Come on, buddy, my picture's on the box. Tiebreaker, who's got the deeper voice?

Speaker 2

01:55

They're right! I win. I win. I win, Tony.

Speaker 2

01:59

Oh, you're cute when you're wrong. And I still love these more than you. Ha-ha. No way.

Speaker 2

02:04

Same time tomorrow, Tony? Yeah. See you then, buddy. All right.

Speaker 2

02:07

Love you. Love you more.

Speaker 1

02:10

Excellent. That is, starts to finish a perfect serial commercial. Because it begins with Shaquille O'Neal telling Tony the Tiger, no way, with absolutely 0 additional context. Right off the bat, an incredible introduction to any piece of art.

Speaker 1

02:24

And it ends with him telling Tony the Tiger, I love you. In just half a minute, it established a world in which Tony the Tiger exists, has a handsomely decorated home office, including a custom Tony nameplate. Apparently, video chats Shaquille O'Neal every single morning for breakfast, and that they love each other. That is a more richly detailed cinematic universe than what Marvel has made in 13 fucking years.

Speaker 1

02:48

It is genuinely hard to decide. No, I'm still talking about the commercial. It's genuinely hard to decide what my favorite part is, up to and including the fact that on YouTube, it's titled, Mission Tiger, tit for tat. Look, I can't say that that commercial inspired me to buy Frosted Flakes.

Speaker 1

03:05

Why would it? After all, they are human scabs that have been non-consensually dredged through powdered sugar. They're a potpourri mistake that simply never got corrected. It's a trash cereal, but it is still, far and away, the best thing to happen to cereal in decades.

Speaker 1

03:19

Because cereals aren't even trying. Look at Cheerios. Their official Twitter account has fully submitted to the worst toothless impulses that dominate positivity Twitter. They deliver empty nonsense like, good morning, today is yours.

Speaker 1

03:35

What? And, families make the good go round. What the fuck are you talking about, you oat hoops? No 1 looks to Cheerios for positivity, especially when you consider the fact that when Cheerios asked for acts of goodness to share, they didn't retweet any examples.

Speaker 1

03:51

You worthless, impotent, empty suit of a cereal brand. You know what? I'm gonna issue you a one-time challenge. I will donate $25,000 to the charity of Cheerios Choice if they simply use their official account to tweet, fuck you.

Speaker 1

04:08

I'll do it, and what's more, I will double it if they target the Twitter account of an actual non-famous random user and do it. But the larger point here is, cereal is in a rut. And don't tell me, there is not room to innovate here. How about making an existing cereal blue?

Speaker 1

04:24

Make an oops all marshmallows. Make fucking gushers a cereal. I don't care. Those are just 3 hit ideas off the top of my head, and I'm not even a cereal scientist.

Speaker 1

04:33

Why is there a cereal where the pieces look like tiny little men? Think about it. Make the shapes little men with marshmallow dogs, so it would be a cereal where you pretend to be a giant while eating it. Listen to me and Think about that!

Speaker 1

04:46

What about nighttime cereal? What do I mean by that? I don't know, fuck you! The market is hungry for fresh ideas.

Speaker 1

04:52

Here's another 1. What about a cereal where the pieces look exactly like Legos and you can eat them and they're delicious? I know what some of the parents are thinking. They're thinking this is a great idea and they're absolutely right.

Speaker 1

05:03

What about a mystery box cereal? There's a big question mark on that box, and every single cereal is different. Holy fucking shit, that is such a good idea! Why isn't there a cereal for goth kids?

Speaker 1

05:15

Seriously, why not? The marketing for almost every cereal seems to be sports-centric. There's often a chase or some heist involved or the implication that cereal is essential for before and after doing sports. There has never once been a single cereal marketed directly and solely to soft, sad sixth graders who feel lonely even when they're surrounded by people.

Speaker 1

05:37

And that is frankly unforgivable. There should be a cereal for kids who won't really have friends until college, and someone should make it for them. And before 1 of you comments, what about Count Chocula, bullshit! Fuck you!

Speaker 1

05:50

Goth kids don't like chocolate, they hate it. Goodbye! I am so desperate to see something new and challenging in the cereal marketplace, that I'm hereby offering 1 of our many living and breathing mascots to whatever cereal company actually makes something that I deem fresh and provocative. You want the We Got Him Tiger?

Speaker 1

06:08

You got him. You want Mr. Nutter Butter? He's yours.

Speaker 1

06:11

You want the vaccine Cicada to promote your new cereal? That's a very weird request, and I already like the way that this is headed. The point is, any of these things are yours if you elevate the serial game for the common good. Is this what America needs right now?

Speaker 1

06:27

No. Is it what it wants? Yes. Yes, it is.

Speaker 1

06:31

And if

Speaker 2

06:45

you