How do FBI hostage negotiators never split the difference? Can you use the same techniques?  Chris Voss draws upon his 24-year career with the FBI to show you how to use tactical empathy with the “bad, the mad and the sad” in your daily life to never split the difference and still have great relationships. Chris Voss is CEO of the Black Swan Group and author of the national best-seller “Never Split The Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It”. Chris’s book was named by Inc.com as one of the seven best books on negotiation ever written. A 24-year veteran of the FBI, Chris retired as their lead international kidnapping negotiator. Drawing on his experience in high-stakes negotiations, his company specializes in “Accelerating business negotiation outcomes with Tactical Empathy”. Chris and his team help people and companies secure and close better deals faster, and improve their own internal communication. Chris has been featured in TIME, Business Insider, Entrepreneur, Inc., Fast Company, Fortune, The Washington Post, SUCCESS Magazine, Squawk Box, CNN, ABC News and more. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

It sounds like a cry for help, doesn't it?

There were more people working in the federal building I worked in in New York City than the small town in Iowa I grew up in.

My mom is still trying to figure out how all that happened.

My mom, by the way, is a loving, no-nonsense, hard-working Midwestern mom who says what she means.

You know what the difference between that kind of mom and a terrorist is?

You see, there are similar experiences out there.

When you're an FBI hostage negotiator, you deal with the mad, the bad and the sad.

The quote, Tom Strentz, the godfather of the FBI's hostage negotiation program, that means you believe you never split the difference.

How are you supposed to split the difference with some bad guy who's got 4 hostages, he wants a jet to Cuba and a million dollars?

You say, all right, we'll take 2 hostages, we'll give you a helicopter to New Jersey, and you take an Uber from there.

1 other myth I'd like to dispel about hostage negotiators as well is that we can say whatever we want to get our way, because these are one-off negotiations and we're never going to see the bad guy again.

Well, hostage negotiators have repeat customers.

It was a siege in a major city in the US.

The bad guy was on the run for 10 days after having murdered 4 people.

The negotiator gets on the phone with him, the negotiator's a little excited, and the bad guy literally says to him on the phone, you're not doing a good job, you're supposed to be establishing rapport with me.

If the negotiator before would have lied to him or said what he had to say to get him out of there, lives would have been lost on down the line.

So 1 night I Walk into a bar with 3 other hostage negotiators.

Now, I realize that sounds like a joke 4 hostage negotiators Walk into a bar And they don't pay for anything But this actually happened a 4 of us walk into the bar and the place is packed.

I look around and I see a seat empty at the bar.

I go over and get ready to sit down, and the guy sitting next to the seat says, don't even think about it.

Now, I'm a hostage negotiator, I'm going to talk to this guy.

The other negotiators with me swoop in, they put their arms around me, say, hey, how you doing, let us talk to you.

You know, what's going on, Let's see what's going on.

We find out this guy's a former Vietnam vet, and his life is in a shambles.

He perceives the world as celebrating and happy.

Everybody tried to sit down there, he offered to fight him.

Now, I know from hostage negotiation, if we get the hostage-takers to use the hostage's name, it makes it much, much harder for them to hurt him.

When I'm some nameless guy, he's ready to hit me.

As soon as I become Chris, everything changes.

How was I supposed to split the difference with that guy anyway?

Right, so what do you do if you're armed with this tactical empathy from hostage negotiation after you leave the FBI and you're looking for gainful employment?

I wrote the book, Never Split the Difference, with Tal Roz and Brandon Voss, about applying the tactical empathy from hostage negotiations to the bullies and the liars that we encounter every day, to the bad, the mad and the sad we run into in our jobs, in our social interactions, at our family gatherings, at the breakfast table.

I saw a meme recently, I thought it was really funny, It said, you know, this parenting is really wearing me out.

I think I'll try something less stressful, like being a hostage negotiator.

Did you ever imagine hearing those 2 words combined in the same sentence?

We define tactical empathy as simply taking an inventory of the perspective of the person you're talking to, of the adversary, the counterpart, especially the parts that we don't like, and then telling them what it is, describing it back to them calmly.

Now, tactical empathy works because we all possess this human nature wiring.

We've got something in our brains called the limbic system.

It doesn't matter what your gender, your ethnicity or where you grew up.

You have a limbic system, and everyone has that.

That's the reason every hostage negotiation team in the world, from Baghdad to Bogota to Boston, uses the same skills, because it's human nature wiring that we all possess.

So I'll give you another human nature secret, insider's tip.

We all have 1 way we tell the truth, 1 way.

We might lie 5 to 7 different ways, but You've got 1 way you tell the truth, and that's the way a polygraph works and the way Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was identified by 2 colleagues of mine as a mastermind of

Now, the way a polygraph works is you come inside, they sit you down, they hook you up to this machine, they put all these wires and these gauges on you, and they ask you a series of control questions to lay down your 1 way of telling the truth.

You know, what day is it, where are you, what's your name, what did you have for breakfast?

They get your baseline for truth-telling.

Were you really in the bathroom when the fight broke out?

It doesn't matter which of the many ways you might come out of your truth-telling, the only thing that matters is that you came out of the truth-telling baseline.

Now, a few months after 9-11, a secret government agency had a terrorist in custody in a secret location outside the United States.

And they were worried that he was going to die, and they needed to get somebody in to interview him that knew the substance of the case, and 2 colleagues of mine were the only ones close by.

And the reason why they were worried this guy was going to die and move on to the next life was the only reason that they were going to let my colleagues come in, let FBI agents come in and talk to him.

So they get together and they say, they've got a picture of the person they know to be the organizer of 9-11, but the picture's not good enough for them to be able to tell exactly who it is.

So they say, we just talked to this guy long enough till we know what he looks like when he tells the truth.

And then we lay the picture on him, see what he says.

So they talk to him, they show him the picture, and they say, who is this?

And he looks at him and says, you know who it is?

And they go, no we don't, that's why we're asking.

Ramsey, the Ramsey he's talking about is Ramsey Yousef, who's in an American prison doing life, and he's a mastermind of the first World Trade Center attack back in 1993.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is his uncle, in fact, the organizer of the 9-11 attack.

And the interesting part about this at the time is most of the US government doesn't think Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is involved with al-Qaeda at all, let alone organizing the attack.

And that's how he was identified with that human nature truth.

The point is that even terrorists are humans, and there are human nature rules that apply to all of us in all situations.

So several years ago, while I'm still with the FBI, I'm up at Harvard Law School's negotiation course, and I'm going to their negotiation course, because Harvard and the FBI have the same definition of empathy.

Bob Mnookin, the head of their program on negotiation, says empathy is just describing and demonstrating and understanding the needs, interests and perspective of your counterpart without necessarily agreeing.

And it goes on to say, it's not about liking or sympathy in any way.

In sum and substance, the FBI on 1 hand and Harvard on the other have the same definition of empathy.

So while I'm up there, I'm looking for some more academic, scientific evidence that backs this idea up of universal human nature wiring.

And 1 of the brilliant instructors up there, Sheila Heen, talks about a book called Descartes' Heir.

And it's a study and scientific proof that emotions are intertwined in all of our decisions.

We make our decisions based on what we care about, which makes decision-making by definition of emotional process.

And I'm thinking, perfect, eureka, this is exactly what I'm looking for.

The only problem is, I have never heard of a philosopher named Descartes, so I write down Dick Hart.

And I go home, and I Google Dick Hart, and I can't find him anywhere.

I'm thinking, I don't know why Sheila's so impressed with this guy, nobody ever heard of him.

Dick Hart's error is that he needs a PR person so people know who the heck he is.

A friend, a colleague, a client uses a transformative skill of tactical empathy to cut million-dollar deals in the tech sector.

His youngest sister has had too much to drink.

Now, his youngest sister is a primary caregiver of their dying father, and the stress on her is enormous.

And he's seen her before at these types of gatherings, lash out at other people when she starts in on him.

He sent me an email that said, I just wanted to make her feel heard and to not dispute a thing that she said.

The next day, she sends him an email that says, Yesterday, I attacked you, and you showed me nothing but love.

Ladies and gentlemen, the bad, the mad, and the sad are everywhere.

Don't let just terrorists and bank robbers be the beneficiary of this transformative skill.

Use tactical empathy on the people you talk to, your adversaries, turn them into counterparts, turn them into loved ones.


Speaker 0: Translators note

Speaker 1: I was an FBI hostage negotiator. It sounds like a cry for help, doesn't it? There were more people working in the federal building I worked in in New York City than the small town in Iowa I grew up in. My mom is still trying to figure out how all that happened. My mom, by the way, is a loving, no-nonsense, hard-working Midwestern mom who says what she means.

You know what the difference between that kind of mom and a terrorist is? You can negotiate with a terrorist. You see, there are similar

Speaker 0: experiences out there. You see, there are similar experiences out there.

Speaker 1: You see, there are similar experiences out there. You see, there are similar experiences out there. When you're an FBI hostage negotiator, you deal with the mad, the bad and the sad. The quote, Tom Strentz, the godfather of the FBI's hostage negotiation program, that means you believe you never split the difference. How are you supposed to split the difference with some bad guy who's got 4 hostages, he wants a jet to Cuba and a million dollars?

You say, all right, we'll take 2 hostages, we'll give you a helicopter to New Jersey, and you take an Uber from there. Of course not. 1 other myth I'd like to dispel about hostage negotiators as well is that we can say whatever we want to get our way, because these are one-off negotiations and we're never going to see the bad guy again. Well, hostage negotiators have repeat customers. It was a siege in a major city in the US.

The bad guy was on the run for 10 days after having murdered 4 people. They finally get him cornered. He's got 2 hostages. The negotiator gets on the phone with him, the negotiator's a little excited, and the bad guy literally says to him on the phone, you're not doing a good job, you're supposed to be establishing rapport with me. He'd been barricaded before.

If the negotiator before would have lied to him or said what he had to say to get him out of there, lives would have been lost on down the line. So we have repeat customers. We believe in reputation. We have integrity. So 1 night I Walk into a bar with 3 other hostage negotiators.

Now, I realize that sounds like a joke 4 hostage negotiators Walk into a bar And they don't pay for anything But this actually happened a 4 of us walk into the bar and the place is packed. It is jumping. I look around and I see a seat empty at the bar. I go over and get ready to sit down, and the guy sitting next to the seat says, don't even think about it. Now, I'm a hostage negotiator, I'm going to talk to this guy.

So I say, why is that? He says, because I'll kick your ass. He says,

Speaker 0: because I'll kick your ass.

Speaker 1: I say, I don't need that. I'm Chris. And I hold out my hand. The other negotiators with me swoop in, they put their arms around me, say, hey, how you doing, let us talk to you. You know, what's going on, Let's see what's going on.

We find out this guy's a former Vietnam vet, and his life is in a shambles. It's a mess. No job, no girlfriend. He's out. He perceives the world as celebrating and happy.

And he's miserable. And that's why the seat's empty. Everybody tried to sit down there, he offered to fight him. Now, I know from hostage negotiation, if we get the hostage-takers to use the hostage's name, it makes it much, much harder for them to hurt him. When I'm some nameless guy, he's ready to hit me.

As soon as I become Chris, everything changes. How was I supposed to split the difference with that guy anyway? Sit on his lap? Sit under the chair? Right, so what do you do if you're armed with this tactical empathy from hostage negotiation after you leave the FBI and you're looking for gainful employment?

How do you find a real job? You write a book.

Speaker 0: You write a book. You write a book. You write a book. You write a book. You write a book.

Speaker 1: I wrote the book, Never Split the Difference, with Tal Roz and Brandon Voss, about applying the tactical empathy from hostage negotiations to the bullies and the liars that we encounter every day, to the bad, the mad and the sad we run into in our jobs, in our social interactions, at our family gatherings, at the breakfast table. I saw a meme recently, I thought it was really funny, It said, you know, this parenting is really wearing me out. I think I'll try something less stressful, like being a hostage negotiator. You know? It's

Speaker 0: really funny. It said, you know, this parenting is

Speaker 1: really wearing me out. I think I'll try something less stressful, like being a hostage negotiator.

Speaker 0: Tactical empathy, weapons-grade empathy.

Speaker 1: Did you ever imagine hearing those 2 words combined in the same sentence? It never split the difference. We define tactical empathy as simply taking an inventory of the perspective of the person you're talking to, of the adversary, the counterpart, especially the parts that we don't like, and then telling them what it is, describing it back to them calmly. No denials, no disagreements, calmly. Now, tactical empathy works because we all possess this human nature wiring.

It works on a human nature level. We've got something in our brains called the limbic system. Everybody has it. It's components of the brain. It doesn't matter what your gender, your ethnicity or where you grew up.

You have a limbic system, and everyone has that. That's the reason every hostage negotiation team in the world, from Baghdad to Bogota to Boston, uses the same skills, because it's human nature wiring that we all possess. Now, that's its shortcoming. It only works with people. So I'll give you another human nature secret, insider's tip.

We all have 1 way we tell the truth, 1 way. We might lie 5 to 7 different ways, but You've got 1 way you tell the truth, and that's the way a polygraph works and the way Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was identified by 2 colleagues of mine as a mastermind of

Speaker 0: 9-11.

Speaker 1: Now, the way a polygraph works is you come inside, they sit you down, they hook you up to this machine, they put all these wires and these gauges on you, and they ask you a series of control questions to lay down your 1 way of telling the truth. You know, what day is it, where are you, what's your name, what did you have for breakfast? They get your baseline for truth-telling. Then they ask you the hard questions. Did the dog really eat your homework?

Were you really in the bathroom when the fight broke out? It doesn't matter which of the many ways you might come out of your truth-telling, the only thing that matters is that you came out of the truth-telling baseline. Now, a few months after 9-11, a secret government agency had a terrorist in custody in a secret location outside the United States. The terrorist was badly wounded. And they were worried that he was going to die, and they needed to get somebody in to interview him that knew the substance of the case, and 2 colleagues of mine were the only ones close by.

And the reason why they were worried this guy was going to die and move on to the next life was the only reason that they were going to let my colleagues come in, let FBI agents come in and talk to him. So they get together and they say, they've got a picture of the person they know to be the organizer of 9-11, but the picture's not good enough for them to be able to tell exactly who it is. So they say, we just talked to this guy long enough till we know what he looks like when he tells the truth. And then we lay the picture on him, see what he says. So they talk to him, they show him the picture, and they say, who is this?

And he looks at him and says, you know who it is? And they go, no we don't, that's why we're asking. He says, it's Ramsey's uncle. Ramsey, the Ramsey he's talking about is Ramsey Yousef, who's in an American prison doing life, and he's a mastermind of the first World Trade Center attack back in 1993. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is his uncle, in fact, the organizer of the 9-11 attack.

And the interesting part about this at the time is most of the US government doesn't think Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is involved with al-Qaeda at all, let alone organizing the attack. And that's how he was identified with that human nature truth. Now, what's the point? The point is that even terrorists are humans, and there are human nature rules that apply to all of us in all situations. So several years ago, while I'm still with the FBI, I'm up at Harvard Law School's negotiation course, and I'm going to their negotiation course, because Harvard and the FBI have the same definition of empathy.

Bob Mnookin, the head of their program on negotiation, says empathy is just describing and demonstrating and understanding the needs, interests and perspective of your counterpart without necessarily agreeing. And it goes on to say, it's not about liking or sympathy in any way. And I'm thinking, I can get behind that. How am I supposed to like a terrorist? This is perfect.

In sum and substance, the FBI on 1 hand and Harvard on the other have the same definition of empathy. So while I'm up there, I'm looking for some more academic, scientific evidence that backs this idea up of universal human nature wiring. And 1 of the brilliant instructors up there, Sheila Heen, talks about a book called Descartes' Heir. And it's a study and scientific proof that emotions are intertwined in all of our decisions. We make our decisions based on what we care about, which makes decision-making by definition of emotional process.

And I'm thinking, perfect, eureka, this is exactly what I'm looking for. The only problem is, I have never heard of a philosopher named Descartes, so I write down Dick Hart. D-I-C-K... -$HART$ D-I-C-K-H-E-A-R-T. Dick Hart.

And I go home, and I Google Dick Hart, and I can't find him anywhere. I'm thinking, I don't know why Sheila's so impressed with this guy, nobody ever heard of him. Dick Hart's error is that he needs a PR person so people know who the heck he is. Eventually though, I do figure it out. All right, last story.

A friend, a colleague, a client uses a transformative skill of tactical empathy to cut million-dollar deals in the tech sector. He's enormously successful. He's at a family gathering. His youngest sister has had too much to drink. Now, his youngest sister is a primary caregiver of their dying father, and the stress on her is enormous.

And he's seen her before at these types of gatherings, lash out at other people when she starts in on him. And he realizes now it's his turn. He sent me an email that said, I just wanted to make her feel heard and to not dispute a thing that she said. It went on for an hour. The next day, she sends him an email that says, Yesterday, I attacked you, and you showed me nothing but love.

Thank you for being my big brother. Ladies and gentlemen, the bad, the mad, and the sad are everywhere. They're us. Don't let just terrorists and bank robbers be the beneficiary of this transformative skill. Use tactical empathy on the people you talk to, your adversaries, turn them into counterparts, turn them into loved ones.

And never split the difference. Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 0: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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Never Split The Difference | Chris Voss | TEDxUniversityofNevada