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♪ ♪ Thank you. Thank you. And please stop doing that. What is your name, sir? Steven, thank you for playing music usually reserved for a fireman's funeral.

That's creating a really nice atmosphere for me right now. How are you all doing, everybody? How are you, Google? Who the hell are you?

Welcome to Google. Welcome to Google. It's absolutely great to have you here.

Very nice that you could be here. Yeah, thank you.

This is exciting.

Thank you.

People are

so thrilled to see you.

I noticed that.

What a rare honor for them to see you in the flesh.

Yes, on behalf of all the Googlers, let me express a very warm welcome. You call

yourself Googlers?

Is that it? We do. We do. Aren't we Googlers?

Let's address that.

Yes, Googlers, yeah. Yeah. Oh.

Let's start there. We can do better than Googler, okay?

We

need something cooler, you know? Especially for the guys when they're walking into a bar.

You know

what I'm saying? What would you suggest? I'm a Googler. You don't have to say that to a, you know, like I'm a G-man or something. You gotta get something else going, cause Googler.

Well, welcome. Well, we're pretty much done here, aren't we?

We are done. We are done.

You seem stunned and

unhappy. Yes.

Yes. But you invited me and that's your problem.

I did. Yes. Yes. So you were at Twitter last week.

Yes. No, no. It was a couple of weeks ago. Look it up online. I also...

Ha ha ha ha.

This is harder than it looks. Yes.

I love this format. What is this format we're doing here? This is nice. It's kind of like a slow dance.

It's like a slow dance. Exactly. Like a slow dance.

Circling me.

It's like a waltz. So let's see. I'm a

worthy Googler.

G-Man. G-Man.

G-Man, yes. G-Man. So, what were you asking me? You were asking me

about Twitter. I was just concerned about.

Yes, I went by Twitter. Does that bother you guys? You guys mad at Twitter or something? I don't know what the rivalries are here. You have to explain it to me.

I wasn't the rivalry. I mean, a lot of us was just wondering the intentions. Intel, Twitter, Googler, Coco, level with me. Are you looking for a job in the Silicon Valley? Is that what you're doing?

I'm looking for free stuff.

Free stuff. All right. Starting with that sign. You've come to the right place.

I want that sign when I go.

You've come to the right place. Why don't you have a seat?

Yes, yes. Let's sit in this fake airport lounge that we've created. Yes. And. My flight was supposed to board 20 minutes ago.

Is this complimentary?

It is.

Oh. Then this trip was worth it. Yes. So, I'm sure you have many questions for me.

I do, but don't mind me. If you feel like dancing, go right for it. Whatever you like. Yeah, So we have a thing inside Google called a Dory. It basically allows a Dory.

It's an internal name. You don't need to know what it is. But it allows, it allows, it allows The most

condescending man I've ever met. Hey. Don't you worry about it. You just relax and let the search engine do the work.

Hey, we got 45 minutes. We're just getting started. Just wait.

I've got nowhere else to go. That's right. I'm here for the day. Hey, I like this. Look at that.

This looks like the club in Purple Rain. I like everybody. Are you all dancing when Morris Day and the Time come out? You kids are young. You'll figure it out soon.

So

Googlers or G-Men. And ladies. And ladies submitted a bunch of questions. Yes. It's a very democratic process.

We get to vote on the best questions. And then I culled them and picked the best ones, so it's quasi-democratic, I guess.

It's not democratic at all. Yeah. That's like Stalin saying, you guys decide amongst yourselves and then I'll kill all of you.

Yeah, I guess you're right. You got a point.

How is that democratic?

You got a point. You have

the illusion of democracy here. Give them some turquoise girls bicycles. Give them... Seriously. It's the illusion.

Give them some free chai lattes. And then grind them for all they're worth. You're getting nervous, aren't you? No. You're wishing I hadn't come.

Let's start with the questions.

The first 1 is from a Googler named Chirp. Named what? It says Chirp. Oh, I'm sorry. It says Chip.

Sorry, Chip.

Why are you running this thing? This first question is from Chirp. Blip, slash, gibble, jab. Oh, I'm sorry. It's upside down.

You're going to be fine. All right. Here's the question. Breathe deeply. Here's the question.

All right. We'll get through this. What lessons and wisdom can you offer those seeking to grow a beard as luxurious as yours?

Shots of testosterone helped me. I grew this beard pretty much out of, it was a feeling of, for every day for 17 years I've had to shave and I just, the first day that I didn't have the Tonight Show, I woke up and I thought, at least I don't have to shave. And then I went with that, and it's 1 of those things where you just go with the opportunity. I just stopped shaving. And then really, very quickly, because I'm all man, I had this beard.

Literally, within a day, I had this beard. I am very, I am just all man is what I am.

Good answer.

So, I, So if you, I say, but you know, you hipsters and hep cats, you, what generation is this? You're not Y even, right? You're past Y? How old are you people? Are you all in your 20s?

So you've like never even heard of the television show chips. I'm just running a test quickly right now. You don't even know what that is, right? You were all born like after the Cosby show was off the air. Is that?

I'm quickly trying to find out who this audience is. You're all in your 20s, but...

Conan, they don't even know what The tonight show is. They watch your YouTube channel, though.

Yeah, okay. Well, that's good. I like that.

All right. Let's go to the Who needs

to know what a tonight show is anymore? Ha ha

ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! It hurts so much.

Where are we?

Oh. It'll get better.

All right. Anyway, yes. So this

1 is from Mike in New York City.

Are you sure you want to read that carefully?

I'm going to read it carefully.

It's from Mitchell in...

I've heard that Mr. Burns was your favorite Simpson character to write for. What is your favorite Mr. Burns quote of all time, either written by you or someone else?

Boy, I don't, I can't, I don't, there's not 1 that comes to mind.

You wanna make 1 up?

Well, I guess 1 of my favorite things that was a repeating joke that we did all the time that always made me laugh was that Mr. Simpson, even though he had had hundreds and hundreds of death-defying encounters with Homer Simpson, never remembers who he is. So I always loved it. Every time Homer's brought into his office, he's like, Simpson, And could never remember who he was. My other favorite thing is that we made him impossibly old.

We always, there's an episode, I think that John Schwarzwolder wrote, where Mr. Burns wants to play, assemble his old baseball team. And he wants to assemble a baseball team of ringers. So he's going and

he's saying, get Luke Appleby.

You know, get Morse Brisbane. And it's all these people that died in 1905. And he can't believe that they're not alive anymore. He was just the most fun person to write for because he's a comedy writer's fantasy. There's limitless potential for him because he has unlimited wealth and he's as old as time.

We could do anything we wanted. He could have chambers deep down underneath his house where he would like, he could be asleep in a hyperbaric chamber when Smithers comes to get him. Whatever we thought of, we could make happen. And.

I appreciate you explaining that to me because if I had to guess what a comedy writer's fantasy would be, I would have gone elsewhere. But thanks. Now I understand. Good character. All right.

Let's go else. I've apparently left you stunned now. All right.

Do you interact with this man on a regular basis?

I won't even tell you who this is from. Are you in, except it's not from me, this is from the audience. Are you interested in working at Google? You can totally have my job exactly 5 years from today.

I would take that offer at this point. The way things are going, I would take that offer. This seems to be a growth industry. So, yes, whoever you are, I'm very interested.

Do

I get to choose my, can I bring my own bike here? Is that possible? Yes.

Yes.

We would

do that. Or do I have to

choose from 1 of the Willy Wonka bikes you guys have out in the factory. No, I think you guys are, you're doing something right here at Google, and I'm all in. About stock, how does it work?

We can work that out for you. We can work that out.

Get something, I think.

That plus a custom bike. Somebody taking notes? Okay, good. All right, can you please do a dance for us? The worm?

What the hell

is this? Sprinkle it at the very least. Do a Justin Bieber jam?

What am I? Now, seriously, what is this? You guys are so power mad now at Google. You're such entitled a-holes. Hey, hey, Conan's in the area.

Make him come by. Conan, get over here. Get over here before your show. Get over here. What do you want?

You can have 1 water. We got a stool for you. Hey, do a dance. Dance around a little bit. Turn around, let's see your ass.

Yeah, that was pretty good.

All right. Hey, you

want my job in 5 years? Maybe I'll give it to you. Ha ha

ha ha. Get out

of here. Go do your show. What's happened to you people? Okay. So about this dance, what do you want?

What's that? You want some string dance? String? Unbelievable.

Woo! How do I do this?

You physically lick your fingers first.

Lick. I can do

that. Okay. Okay. And a little right here.

Yeah. Woo!

Grab the string. Yeah.

Right side first. Right side up, yeah. Come on, loosen this up. Woo! Okay.

Loosen that up and then you

go like that and then you got to cut the string. Then if you're feeling really crazy, you can pull up on this 1 and

cut it. Pull that 1 and cut it. And just go to town. I like it. I like it.

I like it. Come on, speed it

up, Conan. I'm waiting for my hacky sack in the courtyard.

I shouldn't have asked that question. All right. So this is from George, also from New York. Conan, you have the power to change the game on YouTube. What are you waiting for?

What does he mean exactly, what am I waiting for?

Like, clarify, please. Unfortunately, George is in New York.

Oh, okay. I'm not waiting for anything. I'm going with the flow. That's what I'm doing right now. I've been through a transformative event in the last 3 and a half months.

Just a really nice way of saying I got screwed. Screwed. You have no natural reflex. They built you here, didn't they? There's some nerd way in the back.

The program's faulty. It's not reading correctly.

You're pretty impressive to pick up on that. My wife didn't realize that until after we were married. So, okay. Let's. Okay.

So. Now the

nerd's like, we've really got to fix this thing.

So what sketch have you always wanted to do that wasn't safe for network television? And will you bring it to life on cable? Wow.

Okay. Well, we've had many thoughts over the years about things that we weren't sure we could do, but I have to say, for the most part, I got away with murder. There's this illusion that, oh, you know, these men in suits were strained and shackled Conan. They never really let him grow a beard or do comedy that was weird. And the truth is, because for a long time, for the majority of my career, I was on at 12.35 at night, nobody that I worked for watched my show.

They didn't see it. And so, we just ran with it. We just, I mean, I think about all the things we did over the years that are just completely absurd, obscene, weird. They didn't go through any filter whatsoever. And often, every now and then, they assign a lawyer to watch the show and give us notes.

And they were constantly missing the incredibly obscene thing we were doing and giving us notes about pronunciation of something completely unrelated. And so, there's not a lot that I couldn't do. I think it's more about the tone. I think the tone might change a little bit now because, like I say, I've been through this event and the last 3 and a half months has been all improvisation. The groundswell of Internet support from a lot of young people that are in this room completely took my network by surprise.

They don't know what hit them. I think there's a lot of people in broadcast television that are very dismissive or have been very dismissive about the Internet. And they're also afraid of it. And they tend to deride what they don't understand. So when this explosion happened on the Internet, when they announced that, well, okay, maybe we're going to slide Conan over to accommodate this other gentleman who's having his difficulties in another time period.

And I won't get into specifics. You'll have to look it up. And I said, you know what, that doesn't really work for me, I think in a fairly polite way. They, there was suddenly a huge reaction from people, you know, some of the people in this room, a lot of people like you across the country said, wait a minute, we like this person And this person kind of, you know, is, we're with him. And they started reacting on the internet.

And the first thing that happened at my employers, they saw this huge explosion on the internet and they thought that I was doing it. And they really had this attitude of, make him stop. Why is he doing this? And they just didn't understand what was happening. I think they still don't understand what's happening.

And my feeling is, what I've learned is, I had nowhere else to go, so I started on Twitter because I literally had no other option. I was and am legally prohibited from appearing on television, radio, and doing performances on the Internet. So I was just literally like a prisoner in a 14th century cell writing little things on a scrap of paper and throwing them out the window. And hoping, you know, a peasant would go by and, hey, what's this? He's in the tower.

So I started to do that and send out these little things and it exploded overnight. And at first I started to hear a little bit of stuff from the other side saying, well, we're not sure you should be able to, allowed to, because of the, and then they realized the absurdity of shutting down my Twitter account. So that started with that. And then I started to think about the tour, which I'm allowed to do. And so we started this idea for a tour.

And then what was fascinating is by the time we launched the tour or announced the tour, I did not do 1, I didn't spend 1 penny on advertising. I sent out 1 tweet that directed people to a website where you could buy your ticket. That was it. And the show sold out in a couple of hours across the country. And that's got everybody, a lot of people, rethinking how things are marketed.

And I didn't, there's not 1 billboard. There's not, I didn't have to go to 1 radio station and sit with morning DJs, like, you know, and hock my show. I didn't have to do any of that. It was 1 tweet. And I think people are starting to understand that the world has completely changed.

And it has. It is changing. And I think we can do better. Sorry. That was great.

Oh, God, I wasn't running for something. But I think that's what's a, what, the biggest lesson that I've learned in the last 3 and a half months is just a good life lesson. And I'm not trying to sound corny or anything, but these things happen to you and you think you've been dealt a terrible hand or you've had bad luck. And when you just go with it, you just start improvising, suddenly you realize that you stumble upon some of the best things that have ever happened to you. And what's interesting about Twitter is that because you're limited to, I think it's 140 characters, someone's gonna correct me right now.

Not so! You're all gonna rush the stage. Beat the crap out of me. But Because you're limited, it's actually a great comedy writing tool. You're forced, there's this economy of words.

So I'm constantly writing things and then I run them past Blair, Big Blair, who's taking the pictures over there as if he doesn't have enough photos of me. But, but, but, and he'll say like, well, that's, you know, that's actually 3 words over and it forces you to look back at the sentence and it forces you to crystallize your comedy idea, which is fascinating. And the other thing is I've been, this whole tour wouldn't have happened. This tour is a dream come true for me. I've always wanted to.

It's half rock show, half comedy show. And then it's this fantasy to get to do this. So the last 3 and a half months have been the most interesting time in my entire career. And I wouldn't have traded this for anything in the world. And so, 3 and a half months ago, what looked to everybody like bad luck has become amazingly good luck.

And I think that is a lot of what relates to everybody here. A lot of you are in your 20s and you take for granted that, well, this is what the way the world is right now. But from my perspective, it's changed dramatically in just 7 years. And I don't even know where we're going to be 5 years from now. So I don't know what television's going to be 5 years from now.

There's a lot of people that think you're just going to experience it all through your server. And people don't even know how the business is going to change. There might not be really network television as we know it. Wouldn't that be sweet?

So you

know what I mean? There's just, who knows? So, you know, seize the day. Carpe diem. I hate it when people say carpe diem.

I really do. I just wanted to work it in. I'm going to keep talking to you, asking another question.

I'm an Aries. Well, I mean, your point, I think your point about, you know, with the Tonight Show fiasco ending up, you know, the best things you could ever imagine happening to you. Look, you're here, taking questions from me.

Again, incredible arrogance of you people. The incredible arrogance. Say that yes, you're right, this is the best thing that ever happened

to you.

Yes. Because you made it to Google with us Googlers.

Gee, man. Jay Leno has a big chin. You have a giant head.

Why don't we, we, we, we, we, we. Can't talk about that other guy.

Has a big chin.

Legal restraints. Legal restraints. Man, why can't you mention me? I didn't do anything. I did as

I was told. Thank you. So this other guy.

Just for the record, that's my impression of rapper Ludacris. We all on the same page on this? That's my Ludacris impression. Yeah, check out my new album. It dropped May 5th.

Rapper ludicrous. Later in court, yes, your honor, that is ludicrous. You okay? How are you doing? I'm doing good.

I worry about you. Would you like anything?

By the way, any of you want to ask questions, there's mics. Oh, well, then what's

the point of this?

Well.

Once again, I don't understand what's happening here. I have some prepared questions from people that have been preselected. But if anyone wants to shout something out at random, go ahead.

That's right.

You've taken the initiative. Yes!

Please, whoa, that's loud. It's been a lifelong dream of mine to touch your hair, so.

Yeah, about you working here. Yeah, about you working here.

I solved that problem.

Guys, no more touching questions, please. What are

you talking about? Yes. Let's touch it up. All right. You know, I'm sorry.

I feel really crass. I don't even know your name. Can I just know your name? Because later on my wife's going to be like, what happened? I don't know.

I don't even know her name. What did you do? We rubbed our heads together. What is your name? My name's Kelly.

Hi, Kelly. We should have done this before we rubbed up against each other.

Yes, there are more.

This guy over here.

You chose Reggie Watts for your opener, who we actually had the pleasure of hosting about a week ago. Probably the strangest comedian I've ever seen. Can you talk about your choice of him and why you thought he'd be great for your tour?

We, someone explained to me, I've never done a tour before, and someone said, well, would you want to have an opening act? And I said, yeah, it's probably a good idea to have someone go out and entertain the crowd. But this is gonna be kind of an unusual show. And anyone, if anyone's seen it or going to see it, it's not, you know, it's not just a stand-up show where I come out and hold a mic and talk for an hour and 40 minutes. It's also not just a music show.

There's a lot of different things, a lot of different components to the show. And I've got sort of a distinctive or weird brand of comedy. And so we were talking and someone at the company that helped set up the tour said, you know, your opening act can really help kind of brand your tour or help brand your tour. So, if you're doing, if you want to send a certain message about your tour, your opening act can help. And you certainly don't want an opening act that's completely, if Wayne Newton, no offense to Wayne Newton, but if he opened my show with Dunkashane, and that, it would be awesome.

But he was unavailable. We were talking, and, I have some really smart, funny, writers, and someone's just, we were chatting about it and I said, if anyone has any ideas, and someone just said Reggie Watts. And then it was 1 of those things, it's like throwing a golf, a tennis, a ping pong ball into a room of mouse traps. Like 5 people just were like, yes, Reggie Watts, Reggie Watts, Reggie Watts, Reggie Watts. They kept saying it.

And I wasn't familiar with Reggie. So I went right to the Internet. You'll see. I'll tell you about it. And, started looking at him, and he's got a really great, creative, unusual act.

He's amazingly talented. And, he just seemed perfect right away. And then our big fear was, is he available? Because he's very much in demand. He had some other commitments, but he was really into doing this and moved his schedule around.

And it's been a great fit because I think people, the other thing I want to do with this tour is open up people's minds a little bit in a way so that there are people that have preconceived ideas about what I do. And then they see some of the things we're doing in the show and they see some of the things that are happening. And I think it will, I mean, we have some older people that are coming to the show that think, well, I'm gonna see a guy come out and talk about his experience at the Tonight Show. And then they see all the elements we have in the show and the kind of performance level there is. And people like Reggie Watts come out and I think maybe open them up to new ideas about what comedy is.

Because he integrates music, hip-hop, comedy, I mean, and creates this, I think, amazing performance that, I mean, he really gets the crowd going before I even set foot on stage.

Yeah. Cool. Thanks.

Okay. You're fired. You really want to ask this question now? Because he just lost his job. Yeah, yeah.

I actually have 2 questions. Nope.

No. You have to combine them into 1 question.

Okay. I'll try my best.

Oh, you'll do better than that.

So, 1 of my favorite things about This

isn't Yahoo, you know. We expect the best.

No reflexes, remember?

So 1 of my favorite

things about the return, or rather you taking over the Tonight Show, is the return of Andy. I was curious to know if you could talk

a little bit

about, you know, it's Andy.

Why don't we have Andy talk about Andy? He's here. Andy Richter. Let him out.

Hi there.

Hello. Come, have a seat here. Thank you, yes.

It's about time.

Sit right there.

Hey, you know what? You can have this water though. Okay, no I don't want

any water. Kirkland.

What is Kirkland water?

It's Costco water. I'm sorry, Mr. O'Brien, you're drinking Costco water.

This is ridiculous. I know. I know.

Did you see they made me dance?

I did. I saw it. And then a woman made me rub up against her.

I know.

That's why I was standing by

the door.

I feel so dirty. I was humiliated for you. Yeah. No, I actually was just back standing outside the bathroom because I think your assistant is in their front cleansing. Laughter

Applause Our tour

manager said, you gotta check out the Japanese toilets. So I just was in the bathroom to look, because I've seen them before. And There's buttons on the wall. Front cleansing, rear cleansing.

What is? I've never heard of this before.

I, it's like a little bidet.

No, no. I understand that part. Right. I just didn't understand. Why do they have this at Google?

Because, because. Why am I asking you? I should be asking this guy. Because we have. Because front-flincing is necessary.

Yes. Yes. All Google is most front-flince.

I hope you enjoyed Twitter, those Twitterers' filthy asses. Yeah.

I did.

Wait, I want to see it say filthy asses. Look, it

does. Yeah!

What a great, turn this up. Turn this mic up a little bit, it's getting low. I just love that that's what we're using the technology for. Yes, I know. You know?

But so I was in the

bathroom and I hear, I think it was Sona, your assistant, screaming in the women's room.

There she is. There she is.

Are you front cleansed?

So this is this is either the best

or worst thing that's ever happened at Google.

So, so

this is. It's not anything in between.

Wait, wait.

Wait, oh wait, more questions. Yeah.

I was going to say, this is perfect for my follow-up question because here at Google we're really interested in seeing kind of what the next big thing is, kind of a little insight into the future. So I was curious to know if you guys could give us some insights into the year

2000.

The future Conan?

Yeah, the future Conan. There's always cue cards for that. Yeah. Do you think we just, that's off the top of

our heads? You think we're

spontaneously funny? Yeah.

No way.

Google will merge with Blabble and form Gibble Gabble, you know.

In the year

2000. Yeah, I was on an airplane once and the plane was taxing for the takeoff. It was a commercial flight back in the day. Just kidding. I fly commercial.

But anyway, not like the rest of you who have your jet packs. But I was on this commercial flight and I hear the guy, the pilot, is just getting ready to take off. And he went, oh, we're all ready to take off. And I understand there's someone here on the plane, a very special person who can tell us a little bit about. And then he went, in the air to the.

And then started to put the engine into overdrive to take off and I had lost complete confidence in the pilot. At this crucial moment, he's like making his jokes. Shit, I didn't check the altimeter. Later they check the black box and it's my fault. But anyway, to answer your question, Andy was in Los Angeles and I called him up when I had the chance to do that.

And I said, Andy, you got to come on board because the Tonight Show, it's a franchise. No Tonight Show host has ever been sacked. It's a sure thing. Prop what you're doing and come with me.

I said, I'm now a tenured professor in show business. Yes. No way they can fire me.

Yeah. And you went out and bought a theme restaurant. That's right.

I bought, and it was, it was, it was all the skipper from Gilligan's Island. It was all, that was the theme.

Yeah, and now you're impoverished, and here we are. But the important thing is we stuck together. And now that's really about kids. When you got a friend, stick with him, and he'll stick

by you, see? Even though I did leave you back in the 90s. Oh, I know. Like 2000s.

Yeah, to go hang with Pat Sajak.

Yeah. No, as it was once written, I was seeking primetime stardom. That was what it was written about me. And I always was like, I don't remember ever thinking, I'm sorry Conan, I'm gonna go seek primetime stardom.

You did say that to me. And then jumped out the window. Yep.

I was taking a lot of pills in those days.

This gentleman right here, how can I help you?

Gentlemen, we missed you.

We're right here.

Yeah. What else do you want?

Like my mom, she cries 2 days before she has to leave because she has to leave in 2 days.

Now there's something important I want to point out. It is Cinco de Mayo. Ah. Where are Noches de Pasión con Senor O'Brien?

Oh, yes. Conando. Conando is a...

Oh, yes. Conando. Made me

a huge Latino star. Conando. And I look forward to the return of Conando. I don't know what the deal is. Actually, I'll be honest with you.

It's legally unclear what can come with us to TBS and what can't because of certain intellectual property issues that we address in the live show. But I think there's no holding Conando back. And I've been walking around Los Angeles and I've had many people come up to me and just be like, oh, Conando. That's

how you're known.

Yeah. And I speak enough Spanish to be able to say, Si.

Yeah. And he always keeps a fake mustache in

his pocket. Yeah, I glue it on, which looks really funny over the red beard. But yeah, I love Conan. It was a lot of fun. And my favorite part is Andy's cameo.

He's always in a humiliating outfit. Ha ha ha

ha ha! Yeah. I think I was gonna be a... No, or was I an actual taco?

That's just a dream you had. No.

Because it was always like, are you going to be like

in a Carmen Miranda outfit? Are you going to be like dressed as a giant,

I can't think of the word, Those things you shake.

Maraca, you know, or a giant taco. Or a lot

of things you shake. Yeah.

Well, in the Conando world.

Yes, yes. Anything else, sir? How can I help you?

Thank you very much.

Oh, thank you for bowing to us.

A little tip for you all.

You might

want to bow. I bow to you as well. Hello. How are you?

I'm good, thanks.

Okay.

Okay, this is going to be really bizarre, and I acknowledge that I probably won't be able to look anybody in the eye after asking this, but I was wondering if you could settle a long argument with my friends. So 1 of my friends from school did dorm crew and he was cleaning out what he thought used to be 1 of your rooms and he found a big ball of hair that he thinks was yours.

Wait, okay. You've got to be a little more specific. Let's get really specific here. What year was this and what college?

Well, this was like

3 years ago. I hate to shatter any illusions you have about my age.

No, no, no. But I graduated

from college in 1985.

No, I know. This is

what we told him.

So this person

thinks that I made a giant ball of hair. Yes! And spun it and then left it in the Hallworthy dorm at Harvard.

This is what I'm saying.

It doesn't

make any sense. And then put it, and everyone was so horrified by it that from 1985 to 3 years ago, No 1 went near it. And then your friend found it. And did a DNA test.

His name is Jim. He doesn't make any sense.

Oh, no, no, Jim. Yes. Yes. That's all I needed. No, I grew it a giant ball of hair for Jim.

And left it for him to find at the Hallworthy dorm. Just next time, say Jim. That's all you had to do. I've heard, you know, 1 of the things that I'll tell you and you've probably experienced this too, Andy, is what happens when you become a known person is you start hearing all these things back about yourself that are complete madness. I went to my, 1 of my high school reunions And people were coming up to me and saying things that were just completely untrue.

And this 1 guy, about our past, and this 1 guy came up to me and just so you know, I never, I'll have like a glass of wine or 2 or 3 now, but I'm not a drinker and I never drank at all when I was young or in college, ever. Never, and this guy came up to me and he said, hey, Conan, remember the time you and I broke into that liquor store late at night? And I said, no, no, no, and he went, come on, we broke into the liquor store and we grabbed all that booze and then a cop showed up and we ran through the back and we ran up that hill and

you were like, I'm fucking getting out of here and you took the booze. And then later you drank all the booze and I didn't get any of it. I, you asshole, you.

And I said, you know, that didn't really happen. He went, oh, okay, I get it. Big star now, didn't you? I get it. I get it.

Now, in his mind, that really happened. And I've never committed a crime in my life. I am the, I am, I'm Richie Cunningham to the 10th power. I've never. And so, I have had many things come back to me where people, I had a realtor once say, you know, he's showing me like an apartment that I was gonna rent.

And he's like, hey, just so you know there are no hard feelings, I married your old girlfriend. And I said, oh, really? And I haven't, it's not like, I hate to disillusion anyone again. I haven't had that many girlfriends in my life. And I said, really?

Was it blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah? And he went, no, come on, Stacey. Stacey. And he told me on the phone, never heard of this person before in my life. And he said, come on, I know that you 2 went out for a year and a half.

And he said, but it's okay. I'm cool with it. And so that's just so what happens is I've learned.

That's what really drew him to her, too.

I know, yeah.

Is getting your sloppy seconds.

Yeah, yeah. And yeah. I know. And then he was like, Conan, she has the ball of hair. Damn!

You've got me. But the truth is that You've had this too, like people just come up and they say, and 95% of what I hear is madness. Really, just madness. Like, hey, a friend of mine saw you kick a guy to death in Hong Kong. And I've learned to just, Instead of fighting them, I just go like, yeah, well, that dick had it coming.

You know? Like, go with it.

Go with it. So, yes, say hi to Jim. And sell that hairball on eBay. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Conan, last year you were at the International Science and Engineering Fair in Reno. And this year, it's next week, it's in San Jose and Google is the premier sponsor. If we promise

you some swag, will you come again?

Well, I would love to come. I had a blast last year. IIII, and we shot a remote for the Tonight Show where I went and I talked to all the kids and I absolutely loved it. The tour is gonna prohibit us from doing it just because I am hitting it. I was in Reno last night.

We're here today. We're in, I don't even know where, am I in Sacramento? Sacramento tomorrow. Sacramento tomorrow. It's just we go, go, go, go, go.

We're in a different city all the time. And so, I probably won't be able to do it, but I absolutely loved it. And the exhibits ranged from just amazing. It gave you hope for our country. I mean, these kids are so smart, and they have these incredible projects.

And then there's every now and then you'd find a project which is just such bullshit. And I'm not being mean, but every now and then, like, most of them are amazing, and then there'd be a guy who had, like, a potato with toothpicks in it and like a sprout growing out the bottom. And he'd say, it's a potato with water on it. And you know that he just did this to get the hell out of his town and get to Reno. And his exhibit's next to a guy who's like, I split the hydrogen atom using a sneaker in my basement.

And you're like, oh, my God. Yes?

Andy, Conan, great to have you guys here. I just want to say, Andy, your shoes are awesome, by the way.

Oh, thank you.

Kind of phenomenal.

I designed them myself. Although some dick at the gym said, what are those, Navi shoes?

I just

meant it as a joke.

They're super awesome shoes, is what they are.

They are. So, Conan, I was curious, do you have any thoughts on working with the comic geniuses Terrence and Philip in the South Park movie? What was that experience like?

You know, it's so funny because I found out later on that I was in the South Park movie. I remember exactly, this is just what my life is like. My girlfriend at the time, Stacy, whatever. Okay, I hit that, you know.

But,

that's an ass. My girlfriend at the time and I, look, this is big screen, says you have 5 minutes to go. Why? Why can't we stay as long as we want, right?

You know what that means. What do you have, some drink?

We'll be taken to the vaporization chamber.

5 more minutes. And Head

on to the next level.

That is all that's acceptable. We, So

you didn't know you were in the movie? No, what

happened is I remembered exactly what happened, which is I had 1 of my rare vacations, which I never get, and I went up to Maine with my girlfriend at the time. And it's this beautiful place that's on a lake. And you go and you get breakfast in the morning and coffee and someone had a U.S. And they put down a USA Today next to you. And I'm sitting there drinking this coffee and I open up the USA Today and it's a review of the South Park movie and it's saying it's really funny and everything.

And then it has this box which is the list of who plays who. And it has all the different names of people. And then it says, Conan O'Brien is played by. And my jaw just dropped. And I said, there's this movie opening and I'm in it.

And they got the, Fortunately, it was really funny. Actually, we're both in it. And it's just this funny thing where they come on the show to talk to us. And then I end up committing suicide. But it was really...

Which happens a lot when I'm animated. But it was really funny and I loved it. And I got to know those guys later on. And they said, we're really sorry about your voice in that movie. And I said, what?

And they said, we, the guy who played Data, I guess, on that Star Trek, what's his name? Yeah, yeah. Whoever that guy is.

I can't remember. He convinced

them I'd do the most amazing Conan O'Brien. And they're like, cool, okay, great. And that's why they, 1 of the reasons they worked me in is because he convinced them that he did a drop dead perfect Conan O'Brien. And then he got into the booth and he was like, no next question. And Matt and Trey were like, what the fuck is that?

But it was too late.

Well, I like that they

were like, well, there's nothing that

can be done about it. Yeah, I know.

But once you know Matt and Trey, you know that's probably, they were like, fuck, whatever, good enough. But yeah, I love those guys. Actually, Team America is 1 of my favorite movies of all time. It just makes me relentlessly, relentlessly, I just cry. I'm laughing so hard when I see

that movie. Best fight scenes, best sex scenes.

Yes. Yes.

I was hoping both of you could tell us the weirdest thing that's happened to you on the live tour.

There's been a lot of weird stuff.

No, I can't, you know, I stay in my room a lot.

I think maybe for me the weirdest thing is just before I go out and did a show in San Francisco, someone leaned over and said, hey, Neil Young's in the audience. And I play guitar in this show. And so, I don't get nervous a lot. I've been doing this a long time. But I suddenly realized that I'm gonna be playing rock guitar in front of Neil Young.

And I was horrified. And then there's a part of the show where I take a guitar solo and just before I take it, I see like just, it just was 1 of those accidents, but just I see like a shaft of light hitting Neil Young's face. You know, looking up at me and I don't know what the equivalent is, you know, writing code in front of Bill Gates or something.

No way.

See, I know what's going on.

Hey, Conan, Conan, we're going to have to cut this short.

No, you're not.

You don't

have to do anything. These people don't have to work today. You all have the day off. You've done more than enough for this company. Are they writing that part?

You've done. In fact, you should all participate in a profit sharing plan with Google. Yes.

Hey, guys, do we appreciate your coming?

I like applause.

I

like it says, I play everything. Hey, just a quick note. This was really fun. And we get asked to do a lot of things and we don't really have time to do a lot of things. But getting in front of young people who are really smart and sort of making the future happen, that's thrilling for us.

So, Thanks for having us here. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.