A five-minute excerpt from the video component of the Neufeld Institute online course Alpha Children.

Dr. Neufeld’s unfolding of the alpha dynamic has resulted in some of the most surprising and revealing moments for students who take this course. Few are left untouched or unmoved. Once the dynamic is fleshed out, it becomes self-evident and one wonders why it has been so hidden. An understanding of the alpha dynamic also corrects the mistakes that we have taken in moving to more child-led and egalitarian parenting styles in our society. While the focus is on children, the revelations and challenges are for us as adults. Dr. Neufeld unpacks this best kept secret of attachment dynamics in four sessions, each containing one hour of video material.

For more information about this course, visit http://neufeldinstitute.org/course/alpha-children/

Many of our children are now in the lead.

Prescriptive, bossy, telling their parents what to do.

How do we make sense of this drive to dominate?

We have pathologized it, we've seen it as a disorder that is something wrong.

I want to suggest to you something completely different.

The key to making sense of alpha is attachment.

Attachment is all about the pursuit of proximity.

It's all about the quest for contact and closeness, the drive for connection, for belonging, for significance.

Attachment is primarily for families, for adults to take care of their offspring, for teacher to take care of their students.

It's not enough for children to simply be attached to the adults responsible for them.

They need to be attached in the right way.

There are 2 sets of complementary instincts, alpha and dependent, and 2 sets of corresponding drives.

There is seeking, seeking for contact and closeness, for comfort, seeking for significance, seeking for love and belonging, and there is providing the answer to it.

And that is the primary purpose of the Alpha, is to be the provider of what it is that our offspring, our children, require.

We don't come together in attachment like this.

We simply don't because there are no instincts to come like this.

As we move to find connection, nature has to move us to an interface.

It has to evoke alpha instincts in 1 and dependent instincts in another.

Now in friendship with equals, so-called equals, and in marriage it can be reciprocal but it always is that interface.

The dependent instincts are the seeking for the answer to all of these needs and the alpha instincts are to be its answer.

But What if these alpha instincts are the predominant ones in a child?

A good provider presence is meant to inspire the seeking.

You present yourself as you're the answer.

This is meant to be 1 of the most important things in the child-adult dance.

If we don't get this dance right, nothing works right.

And this is the difficulty we're having today.

It's not about pedagogy, it's not about curriculum, it's an ancient, ancient dance.

You can't do parenting without alpha instincts.

You can't truly do teaching without the infusion of the alpha instincts.

You can't do your job unless there is a right relationship.

A children can't feel cared for by somebody who's not in charge.

The human dance is hierarchically arranged.

As soon as you take out that true dance and you get to flatlining the relationships and leveling it out, then there is no lead anymore.

If the hierarchical arrangements are fulfilled, the result, the fruit of it is, is a spirit of democracy.

Democracy was the result of fulfilled dependency needs.

We think if we reinforce hierarchical relating then we'll never get to egalitarian relating and so we're busy even in kindergarten trying to get our children to be able to relate as equals and we made a huge mistake.

Children were never meant to be put with their equals.

Nothing in nature would suggest that, and there's not another creature that does that.

Any of you who teach kindergarten know that as they attach to each other, they spontaneously erupt in games of hierarchy.

Pets and owners, teachers and students, and parents and children, they spontaneously erupt in games of hierarchy.

Because nature does not know what to do with this.

There is nothing other than to do but to put them in hierarchy over another.

Our ancestors have been doing this for thousands of years without reading any books, including Hold On To Your Kids, because at least culture supported the right kind of relationship.

And so we have fallen out of right relationship, they with us and us with them, and that is the problem.


Speaker 0: Many of our children are now in the lead. Prescriptive, bossy, telling their parents what to do. How do we make sense of this drive to dominate? We have pathologized it, we've seen it as a disorder that is something wrong. I want to suggest to you something completely different.

Speaker 1: The key to making sense of alpha is attachment. Attachment is all about the pursuit of proximity. It's all about the quest for contact and closeness, the drive for connection, for belonging, for significance. Attachment is primarily for families, for adults to take care of their offspring, for teacher to take care of their students. It is hierarchical, not social.

It's not enough for children to simply be attached to the adults responsible for them. They need to be attached in the right way. There are 2 sets of complementary instincts, alpha and dependent, and 2 sets of corresponding drives. There is seeking, seeking for contact and closeness, for comfort, seeking for significance, seeking for love and belonging, and there is providing the answer to it. And that is the primary purpose of the Alpha, is to be the provider of what it is that our offspring, our children, require.

We don't come together in attachment like this. We simply don't because there are no instincts to come like this. As we move to find connection, nature has to move us to an interface. It has to evoke alpha instincts in 1 and dependent instincts in another. Now in friendship with equals, so-called equals, and in marriage it can be reciprocal but it always is that interface.

The dependent instincts are the seeking for the answer to all of these needs and the alpha instincts are to be its answer. But What if these alpha instincts are the predominant ones in a child? And you can see the problem. A good provider presence is meant to inspire the seeking. You present yourself as you're the answer.

This is meant to be 1 of the most important things in the child-adult dance. If we don't get this dance right, nothing works right. And this is the difficulty we're having today. It's not about pedagogy, it's not about curriculum, it's an ancient, ancient dance. You can't do parenting without alpha instincts.

You can't truly do teaching without the infusion of the alpha instincts. You can't do your job unless there is a right relationship. A children can't feel cared for by somebody who's not in charge. The human dance is hierarchically arranged. As soon as you take out that true dance and you get to flatlining the relationships and leveling it out, then there is no lead anymore.

That's not the dance we were meant for. If the hierarchical arrangements are fulfilled, the result, the fruit of it is, is a spirit of democracy. Democracy was the result of fulfilled dependency needs. We think if we reinforce hierarchical relating then we'll never get to egalitarian relating and so we're busy even in kindergarten trying to get our children to be able to relate as equals and we made a huge mistake. Children were never meant to be put with their equals.

Nothing in nature would suggest that, and there's not another creature that does that. Any of you who teach kindergarten know that as they attach to each other, they spontaneously erupt in games of hierarchy. Pets and owners, teachers and students, and parents and children, they spontaneously erupt in games of hierarchy. Why? Because nature does not know what to do with this.

There is nothing other than to do but to put them in hierarchy over another. Our ancestors have been doing this for thousands of years without reading any books, including Hold On To Your Kids, because at least culture supported the right kind of relationship. Our culture doesn't support that. Our society doesn't support that. And so we have fallen out of right relationship, they with us and us with them, and that is the problem.

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