From Dr. Neufeld on this September 6, 2023 presentation: "I had the honour and privilege - and challenge - of presenting at the third annual First Ladies & Gentlemen Summit in Kyiv on September 6th. I had been invited to attend in person but was unable to be there so had to make my contribution online. The subject of the Summit was mental health - a timely subject even without the devastating impact of a prolonged war. My focus was children and youth. The concerns being expressed had to do with the current youth mental health crisis exacerbated by a war, and how to get the adolescents the expert help they needed. 

"The message I tried to deliver within the timeframe allowed, is that, despite the horrors of the current situation, caring adults actually have the resources they need to deal with what are very normal emotional responses to what is being faced – distressing threat to attachments at every turn. To enable us to bear the unbearable, Nature orchestrates a flight from feeling that can only be reversed when some safety is experienced. When true safety is not an option, Nature offers children (including youth) a wonderful illusion of safety when close to the adults they are attached to and when the play mode is activated. These 'bubbles' of safety in an unsafe world are Nature's way of taking care of us even when circumstances are dire. The implications are profound. With regards to the current situation, the keys to resilience are not in diagnoses or treatment but rather in a culture that supports family and emotional playgrounds. This has been the hidden story behind Ukraine's resilience in the past, and I believe it will be so again."

So we are going on, and right now live with us is Gordon Newfield, The Canadian psychologist, the author of bestsellers about adolescence,

author of the book Hold On to Your Own Kids and Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers.

It's incredibly pleasant that you are with us here online, regardless of the incredible difference in time.

I know that it's early morning for you right now.

Again, thank you very much for being with us.

And greetings to the First Ladies and Gentlemen and honoured guests.

In your book, in the bestseller, Hold on to Your Own Kids and Why Parents Should Matter More Than Peers, you get to write about the phenomenon of the relations between parents and their children, about the replacement of attachment to parents, and how this is getting replaced with the attachment to children.

And I'm a father of 3, and I'm very much worried about that, because right now they are attached to me, to their father and my wife, but I know that this time inevitably is coming closer.

They also write about why children slowly begin to lose touch with us, and how the loss of this touch negatively affects their psycho-emotional development, and why parents should definitely matter more than the children's peers.

So what do we as adults have to do in order to understand our children better, care about their mental

Without delaying it until tomorrow, right here and now?

Well, that's the most important thing, is to realize that they still need us.

When we think of how best to support their mental health, It's not through attachments to each other because those are not designed for care to be delivered.

The main delivery of care is in the context of family.

Attachment is a delivery system for care.

So as long as they're attached to us, even if peers are important, they should be looking to us to further care.

We can mitigate the effects of adversity.

We can mitigate the effects of adversity, we can mitigate the effects of stress when they do feel cared for.

And family always has been the answer and certainly is the answer.

And the wonderful thing about Ukraine is that family is so important.

And so they have the resources to be able to do this.

And but knowing this, I think, is most important.

We remain the most significant factor in our children and our adolescents, our youth's lives.

So still, we would like to hear some practical steps and advice from you, some tips.

I can understand that you will say there are no instructions that you can give, like do this, this, but don't do that.

But a particular streak, a strain or a direction that we would like to hear from you, if you please.

Well, to preserve the attachment is to make sure that nothing comes in between it.

When we lose our confidence that we are our children's best bet.

We are no longer taking care that they remain, in a sense, attached to us, important to us.

We, The most important way of preserving connection, of course, is to continue to nurture them through a sense of significance, through a sense of value, through a sense of importance to us, and to make sure nothing comes in between it.

Times of connection are so important in this, and realizing that attachment is more than just being with.

And so preserving that relationship is absolutely paramount.

In the attempts to, so to say, normalize mental diseases, psychological diseases, we kind of made pathological stress and different negative emotions, but because natural emotions are also natural, so embracing our emotions but not escaping from them is also 1 of the keys to healthy psychological life.

We should feel sad when there are things to feel sad about.

We should feel unhappy when there's things to be unhappy about.

To lose our feelings is to think we're fine.

And that's the real problem in mental health, is to think we're fine when we're not fine.

When we're emotionally healthy, we feel, and when we feel there's some suffering involved in this.

And the family is key to this because family can provide a sense of safety in a time of adversity when we're close to those that we are attached to and connected to.

It's a place, it's an oasis of safety, a sanctuary of safety where feelings can bounce back in a timely manner every now and then.

And this is exactly what is needed for emotional health and well-being.

But the young people, this part of our summit is educated to the youth and adolescents.

They tend to believe that there's something wrong about anxiety, about sorrow and sadness, there's something wrong about feeling unwell.

Do they have to get them changed in some way?

Well, that's what needs to be normalized.

Mental illness does not need to be normalized.

It's in my work with youth for over, it seems like 40, 45, 50 years now, this was my constant, constant challenge is to help them understand that it's okay to feel alarmed.

The more room you give it, the less room it takes.

All of these feelings are natural and normal and this should be our message as a family, along with making sure that we have the spaces and places where emotions can play.

Because when emotions can play, those are exactly the kinds of feelings that come.

And again, Ukraine is rich in culture, rich in so many places where emotions can play.

The arts, the music, the dance, especially and this is where health where where health is not in increasing the co the mental health experts but actually in preserving those things that are good for the emotional health and well-being of humans, always have been and always will be.

I don't know whether you have seen the results of the research and survey that has been done specially for this summit.

But I can just quote 1 of the articles, 1 of the items.

So the research testifies that the most vulnerable to mental changes as a result of the war are adolescents, teenagers.

Why do teenagers usually take and perceive it in a more open way?

Why are they laid bare to that than adults?

So what does the state and the government and the society have to do in order to decrease the syndicator?

First of all, adolescents are naturally idealistic.

This is part of their developmental process.

And To be prematurely disillusioned is an extra weight.

But for youth to become disillusioned prematurely is an extra stress.

At the very heart of stress is facing separation in 1 way or another.

And the youth are spared that because they think what can be will be.

If it's possible, there is a way of getting there.

So In a sense, they're both optimistic and they're very hard hit.

Again, the answer is in finding the spaces where emotions can play, because at least there's some expression to this, and in the safety of family.

These are always the sanctuaries, the best sanctuaries for the feelings that are necessary to preserve their emotional health.

Once again reverting to this research and study, we have just been talking about teenagers.

Mental problem is something that young people of a older age, like 18 to 24, are also faced with.

And the top most common sensations are fear, sadness, and exhaustion.

Along with that, 70% of the same group are still hopeful that during the nearest some 3 years, their mental state will definitely improve.

So my question is how to achieve this result?

Under what conditions will it become possible?

If imagine, we don't want to believe it, but anyway, we have to play lots of different scenarios, different ways of development.

So imagine that during the following 3 years, the war doesn't run out and economic challenges continue and persist.

So how should young people continue living, believe in the future, keep building plans for the future, start their own families given all of these negative circumstances?

But unfortunately, in today's world, they reach out for connection with each other.

And although they can get a sense of belonging from each other, they don't get a sense of feeling deeply cared for.

Because nobody's responsible in that scene, in that scenario.

And not social media, not a sense of belonging that comes from connections with peers, and actually not mental health education.

I see it quite differently here, and I see the research quite differently here, as I interpret the research.

The answers are basically in being connected and being attached to a safe connection with a caring adult.

And so preserving this, preserving the hierarchy of care, preserving the family, the connection with grandparents, with uncles and aunts, as families, we'll see this through.

And in terms of a culture, in terms of the places for emotions to play, we'll be able to see this through.

I would like to hear your opinion on another thing.

It goes without saying that young people are a category of global population

perceive a lot of things with caution, or sometimes they repel certain things, or they are resistant to certain things.

And in this context, the issue of mental health is paramount.

Just imagine that there's no adult nearby or there's no family member nearby who can guide you or let you know that you have some issues with mental health, that you need to approach professionals for help, or maybe it's a good idea to have this conversation between the 2 of us.

How can we compel or encourage adolescents and young people to listen to themselves and to have a feeling for themselves if they are against it?

Well, the answer here, I believe, is not mental health experts.

These have never been the answers historically.

Where intimacy needs to happen, where feelings need to be shared, is in the context of real-life relationships, attachments.

We need to get down to the business of emotional health and well-being, not to diagnosis.

The more we're concerned about diagnosis, the more diagnosis increases.

The answer here is, again, to have confidence that we have the answers as family.

Even if nobody is near, that's why we have relationship.

The more we are confident that we play a role in this, not again, farming out our children, our youth, to others to take care of, but we have a role in this.

Moms, dads, uncles, aunts, grandparents, We have a role in this.

Moms, dads, uncles, aunts, grandparents, we have a role in this.

And this is where Ukraine has been traditionally strong.

Why there is a Ukraine is because family has been so significant.

The culture runs deep, the family runs deep.

This is what we need to rely on at this point in time.

I have all my ancestors have stories that involve the Ukraine And I feel it to its very pulse.

Family has been the answer and family will be the answer.

And family will stand on the other side of this.

And when family stands, Ukraine will stand.

Well, you know what, throughout the summit today here on Mental Stage, I've been asking all the guests

about their personal life hacks, how they take care of their own mental health.

So this is the question that I would like to address to you.

The most important thing that I've learned is to let myself feel cared for by the ones that love me.

My wife, my children, when my parents were alive, and so on.

Those that are there to lean into this, because when you lean into this, the care that you feel is absolutely nurturing.

1 of the reasons the young people are so exhausted is because they don't feel nurtured, because peer relationships don't nurture.

And so being nurtured in the context, again, of those that were meant to take care of us.

I used to try to be as independent as possible, and I've learned to lean in to the care that was there for me.

And that is key to emotional health and well-being.

I'm immensely grateful to you for being with us today.


Speaker 0: So we are going on, and right now live with us is Gordon Newfield, The Canadian psychologist, the author of bestsellers about adolescence,

Speaker 1: the

Speaker 0: author of the book Hold On to Your Own Kids and Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers. So, Mr. Gordon, hello and welcome. It's incredibly pleasant that you are with us here online, regardless of the incredible difference in time. I know that it's early morning for you right now.

Again, thank you very much for being with us.

Speaker 1: It's my honour to be here, definitely. And greetings to the First Ladies and Gentlemen and honoured guests.

Speaker 0: Thank you. So let's get down to business. In your book, in the bestseller, Hold on to Your Own Kids and Why Parents Should Matter More Than Peers, you get to write about the phenomenon of the relations between parents and their children, about the replacement of attachment to parents, and how this is getting replaced with the attachment to children. And I'm a father of 3, and I'm very much worried about that, because right now they are attached to me, to their father and my wife, but I know that this time inevitably is coming closer. They also write about why children slowly begin to lose touch with us, and how the loss of this touch negatively affects their psycho-emotional development, and why parents should definitely matter more than the children's peers.

So what do we as adults have to do in order to understand our children better, care about their mental

Speaker 1: health

Speaker 0: Without delaying it until tomorrow, right here and now?

Speaker 1: Well, that's the most important thing, is to realize that they still need us. Our youth need us. When we think of how best to support their mental health, It's not through attachments to each other because those are not designed for care to be delivered. The main delivery of care is in the context of family. And that's the way it's meant to be.

Attachment is a delivery system for care. So as long as they're attached to us, even if peers are important, they should be looking to us to further care. We can mitigate the effects of adversity. We can mitigate the effects of adversity, we can mitigate the effects of stress when they do feel cared for. And family always has been the answer and certainly is the answer.

And the wonderful thing about Ukraine is that family is so important. And so they have the resources to be able to do this. This. And but knowing this, I think, is most important. We remain the most significant factor in our children and our adolescents, our youth's lives.

Speaker 0: So still, we would like to hear some practical steps and advice from you, some tips. I can understand that you will say there are no instructions that you can give, like do this, this, but don't do that. But a particular streak, a strain or a direction that we would like to hear from you, if you please.

Speaker 1: Well, to preserve the attachment is to make sure that nothing comes in between it. When we lose our confidence that we are our children's best bet. We are no longer taking care that they remain, in a sense, attached to us, important to us. We, The most important way of preserving connection, of course, is to continue to nurture them through a sense of significance, through a sense of value, through a sense of importance to us, and to make sure nothing comes in between it. Times of connection are so important in this, and realizing that attachment is more than just being with.

It's about relationship. And so preserving that relationship is absolutely paramount.

Speaker 0: Thank you. In the attempts to, so to say, normalize mental diseases, psychological diseases, we kind of made pathological stress and different negative emotions, but because natural emotions are also natural, so embracing our emotions but not escaping from them is also 1 of the keys to healthy psychological life. You agree with that, don't you?

Speaker 1: Absolutely. Absolutely. It's key. Sadness is absolutely essential. We should feel sad when there are things to feel sad about.

We should feel unhappy when there's things to be unhappy about. To lose our feelings is to think we're fine. And that's the real problem in mental health, is to think we're fine when we're not fine. When we're emotionally healthy, we feel, and when we feel there's some suffering involved in this. And the family is key to this because family can provide a sense of safety in a time of adversity when we're close to those that we are attached to and connected to.

It's a place, it's an oasis of safety, a sanctuary of safety where feelings can bounce back in a timely manner every now and then. And this is exactly what is needed for emotional health and well-being.

Speaker 0: But the young people, this part of our summit is educated to the youth and adolescents. They tend to believe that there's something wrong about anxiety, about sorrow and sadness, there's something wrong about feeling unwell. So what can you advise them? How to exist with this kind of thinking? Do they have to get them changed in some way?

Speaker 1: Well, that's what needs to be normalized. Mental illness does not need to be normalized. Normal emotions need to be normalized. It's in my work with youth for over, it seems like 40, 45, 50 years now, this was my constant, constant challenge is to help them understand that it's okay to feel alarmed. It's okay to feel sad.

It's okay to feel unhappy. The more room you give it, the less room it takes. All of these feelings are natural and normal and this should be our message as a family, along with making sure that we have the spaces and places where emotions can play. Because when emotions can play, those are exactly the kinds of feelings that come. And again, Ukraine is rich in culture, rich in so many places where emotions can play.

The arts, the music, the dance, especially and this is where health where where health is not in increasing the co the mental health experts but actually in preserving those things that are good for the emotional health and well-being of humans, always have been and always will be.

Speaker 0: Well, the fact itself is interesting. I don't know whether you have seen the results of the research and survey that has been done specially for this summit. But I can just quote 1 of the articles, 1 of the items. So the research testifies that the most vulnerable to mental changes as a result of the war are adolescents, teenagers. Why is this so?

Why do teenagers usually take and perceive it in a more open way? Why are they laid bare to that than adults? So what does the state and the government and the society have to do in order to decrease the syndicator?

Speaker 1: Well, it's natural. First of all, adolescents are naturally idealistic. This is part of their developmental process. And To be prematurely disillusioned is an extra weight. We all become disillusioned eventually.

We cannot control our world. But for youth to become disillusioned prematurely is an extra stress. At the very heart of stress is facing separation in 1 way or another. And the youth are spared that because they think what can be will be. If it's possible, there is a way of getting there.

So In a sense, they're both optimistic and they're very hard hit. Again, the answer is in finding the spaces where emotions can play, because at least there's some expression to this, and in the safety of family. These are always the sanctuaries, the best sanctuaries for the feelings that are necessary to preserve their emotional health.

Speaker 0: Once again reverting to this research and study, we have just been talking about teenagers. Mental problem is something that young people of a older age, like 18 to 24, are also faced with. And the top most common sensations are fear, sadness, and exhaustion. Along with that, 70% of the same group are still hopeful that during the nearest some 3 years, their mental state will definitely improve. So my question is how to achieve this result?

Under what conditions will it become possible? If imagine, we don't want to believe it, but anyway, we have to play lots of different scenarios, different ways of development. So imagine that during the following 3 years, the war doesn't run out and economic challenges continue and persist. So how should young people continue living, believe in the future, keep building plans for the future, start their own families given all of these negative circumstances?

Speaker 1: They naturally reach out for connection. But unfortunately, in today's world, they reach out for connection with each other. And although they can get a sense of belonging from each other, they don't get a sense of feeling deeply cared for. Because nobody's responsible in that scene, in that scenario. That's where family comes in.

Family is absolutely essential in this. And not social media, not a sense of belonging that comes from connections with peers, and actually not mental health education. I see it quite differently here, and I see the research quite differently here, as I interpret the research. The answers are basically in being connected and being attached to a safe connection with a caring adult. This has always been the key.

And so preserving this, preserving the hierarchy of care, preserving the family, the connection with grandparents, with uncles and aunts, as families, we'll see this through. And in terms of a culture, in terms of the places for emotions to play, we'll be able to see this through.

Speaker 2: I would like to hear your opinion on another thing. It goes without saying that young people are a category of global population

Speaker 1: that

Speaker 2: perceive a lot of things with caution, or sometimes they repel certain things, or they are resistant to certain things. And in this context, the issue of mental health is paramount. Just imagine that there's no adult nearby or there's no family member nearby who can guide you or let you know that you have some issues with mental health, that you need to approach professionals for help, or maybe it's a good idea to have this conversation between the 2 of us. How can we compel or encourage adolescents and young people to listen to themselves and to have a feeling for themselves if they are against it?

Speaker 1: Well, the answer here, I believe, is not mental health experts. There will never be enough. We won't be able to do it this way. These have never been the answers historically. Where intimacy needs to happen, where feelings need to be shared, is in the context of real-life relationships, attachments.

We need to get down to the business of emotional health and well-being, not to diagnosis. The more we're concerned about diagnosis, the more diagnosis increases. This is ultimately not the answer. The answer here is, again, to have confidence that we have the answers as family. Even if nobody is near, that's why we have relationship.

The more we are confident that we play a role in this, not again, farming out our children, our youth, to others to take care of, but we have a role in this. Moms, dads, uncles, aunts, grandparents, We have a role in this. Moms, dads, uncles, aunts, grandparents, we have a role in this. And this is where Ukraine has been traditionally strong. Why there is a Ukraine is because family has been so significant.

The culture runs deep, the family runs deep. This is what we need to rely on at this point in time. This is where my heart is Ukrainian. I have all my ancestors have stories that involve the Ukraine And I feel it to its very pulse. Family has been the answer and family will be the answer.

And family will stand on the other side of this. And when family stands, Ukraine will stand.

Speaker 3: Thank you very much for this answer. We have about 1 minute left with you. Well, you know what, throughout the summit today here on Mental Stage, I've been asking all the guests

Speaker 2: about their personal life hacks, how they take care of their own mental health. So this is the question that I would like to address to you.

Speaker 1: Well, the same thing is there. The most important thing that I've learned is to let myself feel cared for by the ones that love me. My wife, my children, when my parents were alive, and so on. Those that are there to lean into this, because when you lean into this, the care that you feel is absolutely nurturing. 1 of the reasons the young people are so exhausted is because they don't feel nurtured, because peer relationships don't nurture.

And so being nurtured in the context, again, of those that were meant to take care of us. So that's, I've learned that. I used to try to be as independent as possible, and I've learned to lean in to the care that was there for me. And that is key to emotional health and well-being.

Speaker 2: I'm immensely grateful to you for being with us today. Gordon Youfold, thank you so much.

Speaker 1: My pleasure.

Speaker 0: Thank you.

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Dr. Neufeld's address at the Kyiv First Ladies & Gentlemen Summit on mental health