Resistance is a very natural instinct, it's in all of us.

In fact, it's part of, again, the attachment repertoire that a child automatically resists doing the bidding of, doing the will of, those that they're not attached to.

I borrowed that term from a psychoanalyst, an Austrian psychoanalyst, from about 100 years ago, Otto Rank.

In other words, they were born difficult.

They weren't born to do the bidding of anybody just simply because they're their teacher or their parent.

What is meant to trump this instinct is attachment.

But it's not enough that a child has a relationship with somebody, a relationship with stepdad or mom or whatever, the attachment instincts need to be engaged.

We think because I am the dad or the stepmom or whatever, I can simply tell a child what to do.

Because I'm the teacher, I can tell a child what to do.

Or first thing in the morning, I can say, hurry up.

Well, you know what happens both to your kid or your spouse, they slow down.

If you tell them they must eat their peas, it's the last thing they want to do.

We only want to be good for those to whom we're attached.

We're naturally allergic to coercion from anybody else.

It's the most natural instinct in the world.

What we need to do is to know how to trump this instinct in our children.

What you always need to do is you don't interact with the child cold.

You make sure that you engage first, you collect first.

It's a matter of collecting the eyes and then the smiles and then a few nods.

And when you get the eyes, a smile and some nods, Now you say, will you hurry up?

You've engaged the most powerful force in the universe to be on your side.


Speaker 0: Resistance is a very natural instinct, it's in all of us. In fact, it's part of, again, the attachment repertoire that a child automatically resists doing the bidding of, doing the will of, those that they're not attached to. The term I use for it is counter will. I borrowed that term from a psychoanalyst, an Austrian psychoanalyst, from about 100 years ago, Otto Rank. And counter will is huge with children.

In other words, they were born difficult. And we have to realize this. They weren't born to do the bidding of anybody just simply because they're their teacher or their parent. What is meant to trump this instinct is attachment. But it's not enough that a child has a relationship with somebody, a relationship with stepdad or mom or whatever, the attachment instincts need to be engaged.

And this is a mistake we make. We think because I am the dad or the stepmom or whatever, I can simply tell a child what to do. Because I'm the teacher, I can tell a child what to do. Or first thing in the morning, I can say, hurry up. Well, you know what happens both to your kid or your spouse, they slow down.

If you tell them they must eat their peas, it's the last thing they want to do. We all have this. We only want to be good for those to whom we're attached. We're naturally allergic to coercion from anybody else. It's the most natural instinct in the world.

What we need to do is to know how to trump this instinct in our children. Again, it's very simple. I've spoken to it in other videos. What you always need to do is you don't interact with the child cold. You make sure that you engage first, you collect first.

It's a matter of collecting the eyes and then the smiles and then a few nods. And when you get the eyes, a smile and some nods, Now you say, will you hurry up? Will you help me set the table? The child is already nodding. You've engaged the most powerful force in the universe to be on your side.

But when we don't engage a child first. All we have is trouble.

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Kids in the House 5: Counterwill