- Guidance should feel good to kids and make them crave more guidance
- Some kids are more open to guidance than others, but it can be improved or worsened
- Guide in a respectful, kind, and nonviolent way
- Offer wisdom for kids to consider, rather than expecting them to do what you say
- Create a safe and empowering environment for kids to make their own decisions
- The speaker's child is now independent and values their guidance
- Continuously work on improving your guidance skills
- Check out the speaker's free course on guiding without controlling and paid course on recovering from parenting mistakes
- Follow the speaker on various platforms for more videos and resources

Let our Guidance Feel Good to our Children

One of The lies We have been sold by thousands of years of oppressive history, is that it's okay for someone who loves you, to hurt you.

I'm only doing this for your own good.

This is not okay with me. It's not how I wanted to parent. It's not the foundation I wanted to build my relationship with my child on. You know what I mean, right?

When my kid was born in 1997 all the models of parenting that I witnessed included the idea that the one who loves you needs to hurt you. 

That's why I decided early on to dedicate myself to learning how to guide in a way that felt good, nourishing, empowering, and safe to my child. Committed to non-violence.

I made the conscious choice not to use my power to control my kid. That means I had to learn collaborative, connected, communication, and relationship based ways of guiding and working together. (And fun!)

That's part of what I've spent the last 26 years learning and practicing. And what I do my best to share with you all.

It's a deep study to learn to guide our kids effectively in a way that feels good to them. The beautiful thing about this is, it sets up a lifelong guiding relationship. One in which your kids will respect, and even seek out your wisdom and perspective on things. 

One of the main ingredients in creating the safety is not expecting your kids to follow your guidance. Ask them to include it in their thinking. Then you can offer them a lot of really helpful information, and they won't resist it. This is gold! 

Especially in the teen years when traditionally kids turn away from their parents. Spending the previous decade building these patterns of trust and reliability go a long way towards having a kid turn towards you when they are struggling.

Learning to guide this way is a lifelong practise. I highly recommend going through all of my videos, especially on my YouTube channel. That'll really help give you lots of practical ideas. 

A good question to ask on a daily basis is, What do you think you might have to change in the way you relate to your kid so that your guidance feels even safer?



Please sign up for my FREE COURSE "Guiding Without Controlling". 

Registration Link
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When you guide your kids, your guidance should feel so good to them that they crave your guidance next time.

If the way you guide your kids makes them resist your guidance, it's challenging, right?

And we can do so many things with our kids that make them resist our guidance.

Now, of course, Some kids are more open to guidance, some kids are less open to it.

But whatever their baseline is, we can make it worse or we can make it better.

To guide in a way that feels respectful and kind and really honors autonomy and understands the emotions that we feel and has a real sense of connection and authenticity and freedom in it, you know, freedom.

When I say freedom, what I mean is that when we guide our kids, we don't expect that they will do what we say, right?

We expect that they will follow their hearts and hope that they will take into account what we say.

Because when we expect that they will do what we say, right?

Because when we expect that they will do what we say, very soon that wears off quickly.

It gets old quickly for the kid and they tune us out.

But if we want them to value our guidance all throughout their lives, then our work is to guide with as much consciousness as we can, as much connection as we can, as much nonviolence as we can.

And I say that hesitantly because I don't want to upset anyone saying nonviolence, but a lot of the things that we just accept as normal are really violent, relationally violent.

And to guide them in a way where, number 1, it feels safe and even joyful to their nervous system, empowering to them.

It helps them feel like their lives are better enriched from our guidance, you know?

And that there's no expectation from us that they will follow our guidance.

It means that if they don't follow it, I'm disappointed, or even more, that I use some sort of power to make them follow it.

You know, it might make them feel bad, or I take away a privilege, or whatever it is.

But if they feel like we're offering wisdom to them so that they can include it in their thinking, that's totally different, right?

I offer this to you, I always tell my kid, I offer this to you so you can include it in your thinking and I want you to make the decision and I would love for you to take seriously and take into consideration what I'm saying.

And if you decide to do the opposite, the opposite, I will love it because you honored yourself.

And even when you do the opposite, you still did it after taking my suggestion into real consideration.

And when we approach things that way, and it is a bit of a long winded speech.

For a 2 year old, they may not hear all that, but the same feeling can be brought about for a 2 year old because I told my kid when she was 2 I never wanted her to obey me.

I explained obedience is when adults expect you to do what they tell you to without question and I said I don't want that.

I always want you to follow your heart and I will always support you in that.

And like I said, I would love for you to, I would love for you to take into consideration what I share.

And I stood by that and I made sure that the way I guided her and the way that I treated her and the way that I worked with learning about life with her and worked with the everyday aspects of life too.

All of that was in harmony with that message.

Everyday, meaning food and hygiene and homework and chores and all the things and manners and all the things of daily life.

It had to harmonize with this idea of guiding feeling, feeling good and empowering and nourishing and safe.

She's living in her own apartment with her partner and she's got a full-time job and she's living her life.

And it's amazing to me to watch when I think of how big she was when she was first in my arms.

And she's an independent young woman living her life and doing great.

And the 2 of them decided rather than just going to Montreal or something, they're going to actually take a vacation and they're gonna go away somewhere.

And so they did some research and her partner's father did some research and they found a nice place and they're gonna go away and it's all inclusive and they're very excited about it.

And they had already kind of decided on it, but because my kid really, really respects my guidance so much and my opinion so much, because of all the stuff I just talked about, never forcing it and making sure it felt good and making sure that she felt like when she reaches out to me for guidance, it improves her life, it makes her life better.

That she reached out to me, she said, hey dad, we're planning a vacation, we picked this spot, we found this thing, I just wanted to get your take on it.

I just wanted to get your take on it because she knows that where my take comes from.

It's not like, it's not an imposition on her.

It's not gonna restrict her freedom and it's not gonna make her feel bad.

So I said to her, you know, I think this is a great deal.

Why don't we just Google the same location or the same dates and see if

we can find anything cheaper and if we can't get it.

And then we researched it together, and we were on the phone, we were Googling together, and we're enjoying the experience of doing research together.

Because we've learned how to do research together over the years, because if you don't know something, you research it.

Or you could choose to remain ignorant like so many people do.

Oh my God, I'm not even gonna mention the issues that I'm thinking of right now, gender.

Because again, we're not really taught to think and to research and to have a relationship with our mind when we're young.

I so desperately wanted to teach my kid that, which meant I had to practice it too, which is why I put so much mindset stuff into my videos and into my teaching.

Because the more we work with our mindset, The more we work with our mindset, the more we get to know ourselves and be self-aware.

You know, I'm gonna post a video soon called pay attention to what you're paying attention to.

Pay attention to what you're paying attention to.

Because it's more about, again, It's about mindset.

Am I paying attention to how I'm thinking and how I'm feeling?

And my values and the impact that I have on the 1 I have on the world.

Like there's so much for us to pay attention to.

And If we wanna help our kids learn all that stuff, these deep, deep stuff about life and about their relationship with themselves, then it makes sense for our guidance to feel good to them.

So that, and I hope that you work, continuously work and deepen your skill because it's a lifelong practice to get good at guiding.

I'm still practicing all the time, learning all the time.

Every time I make a video, I'm like, oh, I could have done that differently.

Every time I'm on a coaching call, oh, I could have done that differently.

You know, I'm always learning, growing, growing.

And so it's a beautiful example to set for your kids.

Think about guiding safely so you'll have a

26 year old that still reaches out, independent, making your own decisions, but still reaches out for my guidance because it's so valuable to her.

And I wish that for you when your kids are older as well.

Please check out my free course, Guiding Without Controlling at meaningfulideas.com for more information on how to do that.

And I also have a paid course there called Recovering from a Parenting Mistake, which is so helpful and full of stuff that will really propel your parenting journey forward.

And follow me on all the spaces at Meaningful Ideas.

go to my YouTube channel, I have almost 200 videos there now.

It'll revolutionize your parenting mindset if you do that.


Speaker 0: When you guide your kids, your guidance should feel so good to them that they crave your guidance next time. If the way you guide your kids makes them resist your guidance, it's challenging, right? And we can do so many things with our kids that make them resist our guidance. Now, of course, Some kids are more open to guidance, some kids are less open to it. But whatever their baseline is, we can make it worse or we can make it better.

That's the point, right? To guide in a way that feels respectful and kind and really honors autonomy and understands the emotions that we feel and has a real sense of connection and authenticity and freedom in it, you know, freedom. When I say freedom, what I mean is that when we guide our kids, we don't expect that they will do what we say, right? We expect that they will follow their hearts and hope that they will take into account what we say. Because when we expect that they will do what we say, right?

We expect that they will follow their hearts and hope that they will take into account what we say. Because when we expect that they will do what we say, very soon that wears off quickly. It gets old quickly for the kid and they tune us out. But if we want them to value our guidance all throughout their lives, then our work is to guide with as much consciousness as we can, as much connection as we can, as much nonviolence as we can. And I say that hesitantly because I don't want to upset anyone saying nonviolence, but a lot of the things that we just accept as normal are really violent, relationally violent.

And to guide them in a way where, number 1, it feels safe and even joyful to their nervous system, empowering to them. It helps them feel like their lives are better enriched from our guidance, you know? And that there's no expectation from us that they will follow our guidance. And by expectation, what does that mean? It means that if they don't follow it, I'm disappointed, or even more, that I use some sort of power to make them follow it.

You know, it might make them feel bad, or I take away a privilege, or whatever it is. But if they feel like we're offering wisdom to them so that they can include it in their thinking, that's totally different, right? I offer this to you, I always tell my kid, I offer this to you so you can include it in your thinking and I want you to make the decision and I would love for you to take seriously and take into consideration what I'm saying. And if you decide to do the opposite, the opposite, I will love it because you honored yourself. And even when you do the opposite, you still did it after taking my suggestion into real consideration.

And that's what really matters to me. And when we approach things that way, and it is a bit of a long winded speech. For a 2 year old, they may not hear all that, but the same feeling can be brought about for a 2 year old because I told my kid when she was 2 I never wanted her to obey me. I explained obedience is when adults expect you to do what they tell you to without question and I said I don't want that. I always want you to follow your heart and I will always support you in that.

And like I said, I would love for you to, I would love for you to take into consideration what I share. And I stood by that and I made sure that the way I guided her and the way that I treated her and the way that I worked with learning about life with her and worked with the everyday aspects of life too. All of that was in harmony with that message. Everyday, meaning food and hygiene and homework and chores and all the things and manners and all the things of daily life. It had to harmonize with this idea of guiding feeling, feeling good and empowering and nourishing and safe.

My kid is 26. She's living in her own apartment with her partner and she's got a full-time job and she's living her life. And it's amazing to me to watch when I think of how big she was when she was first in my arms. And she's an independent young woman living her life and doing great. And she's got a vacation coming up.

And the 2 of them decided rather than just going to Montreal or something, they're going to actually take a vacation and they're gonna go away somewhere. And so they did some research and her partner's father did some research and they found a nice place and they're gonna go away and it's all inclusive and they're very excited about it. And they had already kind of decided on it, but because my kid really, really respects my guidance so much and my opinion so much, because of all the stuff I just talked about, never forcing it and making sure it felt good and making sure that she felt like when she reaches out to me for guidance, it improves her life, it makes her life better. That she reached out to me, she said, hey dad, we're planning a vacation, we picked this spot, we found this thing, I just wanted to get your take on it. I just wanted to get your take on it because she knows that where my take comes from.

It's not like, it's not an imposition on her. It's not gonna restrict her freedom and it's not gonna make her feel bad. So I said to her, you know, I think this is a great deal. Why don't we just Google the same location or the same dates and see if

Speaker 1: we can find anything cheaper and if we can't get it. She was like, that's a great idea. I hadn't thought of doing that. And then we researched it together, and we were on the phone, we were Googling together, and we're enjoying the experience of doing research together. Because we've learned how to do research together over the years, because if you don't know something, you research it.

Or you could choose to remain ignorant like so many people do.

Speaker 0: Oh my God, I'm not even gonna mention the issues that I'm thinking of right now, gender. But so

Speaker 1: many people choose to remain ignorant

Speaker 0: and it's not really a choice. Because again, we're not really taught to think and to research and to have a relationship with our mind when we're young. We're not taught that, you know? I so desperately wanted to teach my kid that, which meant I had to practice it too, which is why I put so much mindset stuff into my videos and into my teaching. Because the more we work with our mindset, The more we work with our mindset, the more we get to know ourselves and be self-aware.

You know, I'm gonna post a video soon called pay attention to what you're paying attention to. Pay attention to what you're paying attention to. Because it's more about, again, It's about mindset. Am I paying attention to my mindset? Am I paying attention to how I'm thinking and how I'm feeling?

And it's so important. And my values and the impact that I have on the 1 I have on the world. Like there's so much for us to pay attention to. And If we wanna help our kids learn all that stuff, these deep, deep stuff about life and about their relationship with themselves, then it makes sense for our guidance to feel good to them. So that, and I hope that you work, continuously work and deepen your skill because it's a lifelong practice to get good at guiding.

I'm still practicing it. I teach all the time. I'm still practicing all the time, learning all the time. Every time I make a video, I'm like, oh, I could have done that differently. Every time I'm on a coaching call, oh, I could have done that differently.

You know, I'm always learning, growing, growing. And so it's a beautiful example to set for your kids.

Speaker 1: All right, everybody, that's it. Peace out. Think about guiding safely so you'll have a

Speaker 0: 26 year old that still reaches out, independent, making your own decisions, but still reaches out for my guidance because it's so valuable to her. What a beautiful relationship that is. And I wish that for you when your kids are older as well. Please check out my free course, Guiding Without Controlling at meaningfulideas.com for more information on how to do that. And I also have a paid course there called Recovering from a Parenting Mistake, which is so helpful and full of stuff that will really propel your parenting journey forward.

Speaker 1: And follow me on all the spaces at Meaningful Ideas. I put out so many videos. If you

Speaker 0: go to my YouTube channel, I have almost 200 videos there now. You can just watch them all. It'll revolutionize your parenting mindset if you do that. And that's it everybody, peace out.

See all meaningfulideas transcripts on Youtube

Let our Guidance Feel Good to our Children