- John Oliver discusses the dislike for New Year's Eve and the need for excuses to avoid it
- He provides scenarios and specific excuses for avoiding New Year's Eve events
- He suggests lying and using a cleanse as an excuse to get out of attending parties
- He concludes by saying the best way to celebrate New Year's Eve is by avoiding it altogether and wishes everyone a Happy New Year.

New Year's Eve is the worst. John Oliver has some great excuses for getting out of it.

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Last week tonight is still not quite back on the air, and yet, I'm still popping up here occasionally to ruin everybody's holidays.

Because by now, everyone is probably sick of them.

Hanukkah has come and gone, Christmas just passed, and as everyone knows, right now, we're just wrapping up Kwanzaa.

And if you celebrate any of those holidays, you're undoubtedly exhausted.

If you celebrate all of them, your last name probably has several hyphens in it.

But tonight brings a holiday that unites all of us, no matter our religious background or ethnicity.

New Year's Eve is like the death of a pet.

You know it's going to happen, but somehow, you're never really prepared for how truly awful it is.

It combines 3 of the least pleasant things known to mankind.

Forced interaction with strangers, being drunk, cold, and tired, and having to stare at Ryan Seacrest for 5 solid minutes, waiting for him to tell you what the time is.

Honestly, the best thing you can do is avoid the whole evening.

And to do that, you're going to need some excellent and specific excuses.

Let's say you have a friend who just got divorced and wants to hang out and do some guy stuff.

This is a tricky 1, because guy stuff, as we all know, is code for strip clubs.

And you should absolutely not spend New Year's Eve in a strip club, unless Ebola goes airborne and the only cure is glitter.

That's the only appropriate moment to do that.

So, what you need to do, tell your friend that your cousin Paul Smeka has suddenly become ill and that he needs some of your Bonesimes.

I'm a man of my word ♪ -♪ I'm a man of my word

♪ Bonesimes are a thing I just made up, and Paul Smeka is the name of Willem Dafoe's character in The Boondock Saints.

If your friend knows that offhand, cut him out of your life forever.

Let's say you've been invited to a party at a friend's house.

That's a five-hour commitment if you leave at 12.01.

Think of it this way, do you really want to sit on your friend's sofa and watch hummus turn brown all night?

So here's the trick, and this actually works for everything.

New Year's Eve parties it works for, bar mitzvahs, wakes, it works for everything.

--AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS --Here's the thing.

Yes, you're right, that's not technically an excuse, but the beauty is, there will be no follow-up questions because nobody wants to hear about your f***ing cleanse.

Lastly, if you're invited out on a girls' night, I can't really help you.

And I'll tell you why, I've never been asked to join a girls' night.

Which I think is because I'm such a Samantha and women are intimidated by my energy.

What I'm saying is, the best way to celebrate the spirit of New Year's Eve is by lying.

The first line of Auld Lang Syne should be, should old acquaintance be forgot.

And there's no better way of doing that than completely blowing off all your friends and family.

And if you do this right, you will be in bed on New Year's Eve at 11.45 after watching all 5 Die Hard movies.


Speaker 0: -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ Hello there, YouTube. I'm John Oliver. Last week tonight is still not quite back on the air, and yet, I'm still popping up here occasionally to ruin everybody's holidays. Why? Why?

Because by now, everyone is probably sick of them. Hanukkah has come and gone, Christmas just passed, and as everyone knows, right now, we're just wrapping up Kwanzaa. And if you celebrate any of those holidays, you're undoubtedly exhausted. If you celebrate all of them, your last name probably has several hyphens in it. But...

But tonight brings a holiday that unites all of us, no matter our religious background or ethnicity. And it unites us in hating it. And that's New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve is like the death of a pet. You know it's going to happen, but somehow, you're never really prepared for how truly awful it is.

-... New Year's Eve is the worst. -... It combines 3 of the least pleasant things known to mankind. Forced interaction with strangers, being drunk, cold, and tired, and having to stare at Ryan Seacrest for 5 solid minutes, waiting for him to tell you what the time is.

Honestly, the best thing you can do is avoid the whole evening. And to do that, you're going to need some excellent and specific excuses. And this is where we come in. So first, here's a scenario. Let's say you have a friend who just got divorced and wants to hang out and do some guy stuff.

This is a tricky 1, because guy stuff, as we all know, is code for strip clubs. And you should absolutely not spend New Year's Eve in a strip club, unless Ebola goes airborne and the only cure is glitter. That's the only... That's the only appropriate moment to do that. So, what you need to do, tell your friend that your cousin Paul Smeka has suddenly become ill and that he needs some of your Bonesimes.

Now, clearly, none of that's true. -♪

Speaker 1: I'm a man of my word ♪ -♪ I'm a man of my word

Speaker 0: ♪ Bonesimes are a thing I just made up, and Paul Smeka is the name of Willem Dafoe's character in The Boondock Saints. And here's the thing, though. If your friend knows that offhand, cut him out of your life forever. That's a terrible movie. Either way, you're free.

Okay, so, second scenario. Let's say you've been invited to a party at a friend's house. Obviously, you don't want to go. That's a five-hour commitment if you leave at 12.01. Think of it this way, do you really want to sit on your friend's sofa and watch hummus turn brown all night?

No, nobody does. So here's the trick, and this actually works for everything. New Year's Eve parties it works for, bar mitzvahs, wakes, it works for everything. Simply tell them you're doing a cleanse. Now, true.

--AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS --Here's the thing. Yes, you're right, that's not technically an excuse, but the beauty is, there will be no follow-up questions because nobody wants to hear about your f***ing cleanse. Nobody. So you're out. You're out.

-$20,000. Lastly... -$20,000. $20,000. Lastly, if you're invited out on a girls' night, I can't really help you.

And I'll tell you why, I've never been asked to join a girls' night. Which I think is because I'm such a Samantha and women are intimidated by my energy. That's what I'm guessing. But what I'm saying... What I'm saying is, the best way to celebrate the spirit of New Year's Eve is by lying.

The first line of Auld Lang Syne should be, should old acquaintance be forgot. And there's no better way of doing that than completely blowing off all your friends and family. And if you do this right, you will be in bed on New Year's Eve at 11.45 after watching all 5 Die Hard movies. Happy New Year to all of you. We will be back

Speaker 1: in 2015! -♪ 000000000000000

Speaker 0: ♪ -♪

Speaker 1: 0000000000000000

Speaker 0: ♪

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New Year's Eve (Web Exclusive): Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)