- The video discusses the increasing trend of building extravagant stadiums in America.
- Many stadiums are built using public money, even though sports teams are successful businesses with wealthy owners.
- The video highlights examples of stadiums funded by public money, such as the Detroit Red Wings' arena project.
- Teams often keep all the revenue generated by the stadiums, including naming rights and concessions.
- Municipal bonds, intended for public goods, are often misused to finance stadiums.
- Teams often threaten to leave cities unless they get new stadiums, using this as a bargaining chip.
- The video also mentions the promises made by teams that new stadiums will bring economic benefits to communities.

- The video discusses the negative impact of stadiums on surrounding areas and the use of public money to fund them
- It highlights examples of stadiums not revitalizing areas or creating permanent jobs
- The video mentions a study showing no substantial evidence of stadiums increasing jobs, incomes, or tax revenues
- It criticizes the use of public money for stadiums, citing examples of budget gaps and cuts in essential services
- The video emphasizes the importance of saying "no" to stadium deals and making teams pay for their own expenses.

Cities spend massive amounts of public money on privately-owned stadiums. Cities issue tax-exempt municipal bonds that — wait, don’t fall asleep!

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The thing you weren't quite good enough at for your dad to love you.

In fact, the only times I've cried as a grown man have been while watching actors playing coaches deliver inspirational speeches set to stirring music.

Because we know when we add up all those issues, that's gonna make the f***ing difference between winning and losing!

We are all lucky that Kyle Chandler is not a Scientologist, or I would be broke and married to Mimi Rogers right now.

But, look, tonight, we're not gonna talk about the players on the field.

We're gonna talk about the fields themselves.

America has a lot of them, and they are increasingly fantastic.

At the home of the Dallas Cowboys, here's what you also get.

The Party Suite is all about watching the game or a concert in style.

You know, you get the snake skin, you know, the gold H, so everybody knows where you're

There are 14 party cabanas and 2 pools watched by lifeguards that looked out on the field.

Yep, those swimming pools are inside the stadium.

You can now watch a game from a swimming pool suspended above the field, where the real contest for the fans is finding out whether or not HPV can swim.

Most New stadiums nowadays look like they were designed by a coked-up Willy Wonka.

And if you don't believe me, just look at what the Miami Marlins have in their new ballpark.

That's a fish tank around the whole park.

The Marlins have actual aquariums behind home plate.

Which is indeed awesome, because you get to watch baseball, while at the same time watching fish develop panic disorders.

And look, all those new features are clearly incredible.

The problem is, they're also expensive, and the vast majority of stadiums are built using public money.

1 analysis found that between 2000 and 2010, we spent $12 billion building new facilities for professional teams, which begs the question, why?

Sports teams are successful businesses with wealthy owners, and yet they still get our help.

2 years ago, Detroit got approval to spend more than 280 million dollars in taxpayer money on a new arena project for the Red Wings, just 6 days after the city filed for bankruptcy.

Even though the Red Wings owner is Mike Illich, the founder of the Little Caesars pizza chain, who's worth an estimated 5.1 billion.

I mean, sure, not as hard to swallow as a Little Caesar's Crazy Bread with an assortment of Caesar dips, but still pretty hard.

And we don't just help teams build stadiums, we let them keep virtually all the revenue those stadiums then produce.

Just listen to the president of the Miami Marlins describe their not-at-all-unusual deal.

You get the income from non-baseball events.

That's the whole object of this, is to get more revenue.

Hey, you think I got into this because I like sports?

This is all about the money, son, the money.

He mentioned naming rights in there, and it is true for most teams.

If you sell the name of your building, you get to keep the money, even when it's as stupid as this.

The New Orleans Pelicans are going to be playing their home games at the Smoothie King Center.

And you have to feel a bit for the Pelicans players.

It can't be easy to protect your home court when it's named after a slop of yogurt and kale ejaculated from a blender.

-♪ ♪ -♪ But owners monetizing every part of a stadium is so ingrained, it's even now a feature in the Madden NFL video game.

We're adding the ability to run your team as an NFL owner.

Being an owner isn't just about talking, though, It's about taking action.

Set prices on concessions, merchandise, and tickets.

Improve everything from the parking lot to the locker room.

The owner experience is apparently so realistic that if you unlock a secret level, you can even deal with the aftermath of making a racist comment.

That's incredible attention to detail for gamers.

Teams are so successful at pushing for upgraded stadiums that since the early 90s, we've had a replacement rate of over 90 percent.

We replaced stadiums even faster than we replaced Spider-Men.

Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield were perfectly good, state-of-the-art Spider-Men.

Almost every single team gets some kind of public money.

Some, like the Yankees, might build the stadium themselves, but on lands that they're given rent and property tax-free, costing New York City hundreds of millions in lost revenues.

But many others get their stadiums funded through tax-exempt municipal bonds, which yes, sound like the last words an accountant says before his blind date falls asleep at the dinner table.

But they're actually incredibly important.

Municipal bonds are a way for the city to take out a loan, which they then later repay with interest.

Although, usually through new or existing taxes.

They're supposed to be for things like roads or schools, public goods that private industry would not pay for.

But they've been routinely misused to finance stadiums for decades.

And often, cities do it because teams claim they can't afford to build stadiums themselves.

The Marlins got nearly $500 million toward their fish-traumatizing theme park by pleading poverty.

Although when Miami-Dade County tried to verify that, something strange happened.

Among the questions they asked was, -"Can we see your books?" You said no.

Because in Major League Baseball history, books are just kept private.

Sure, but if the argument, in Major League Baseball history, that's just how it is, always won, we'd still have an all-white league of players gambling on games, smoking cigarettes at the plate, and dying of syphilis.

But then, leaked documents later revealed that despite denying they made a profit, the Marlins had generated nearly 50 million over the previous 2 years.

And listen, pretending you're poor is wrong.

It wasn't okay when Mary-Kate Olsen went through her hobo phase, And it's not okay now.

And we haven't even mentioned the ultimate bargaining chip that teams like to use, threatening to leave.

Louis Rams, and the San Diego Chargers are all threatening to move to Los Angeles unless they get new stadiums.

In fact, over the past 2 decades, nearly half the NFL has been subject to speculation about a move to L.A.

It's such a cliche, that in the current Madden video game, if you want a new stadium, a good way to do that is to relocate the team.

And the game even tells you the easiest choice financially is, guess where?

And if you're a Chargers fan, that must be pretty infuriating.

Even my make-believe escapist entertainment is trying to move my fucking team to L.A.

In fact, Chargers fans are currently so terrified their team might leave, not only are they campaigning to spend public money on a stadium, they're doing it in 1 of the worst rap songs of all time.

I tell no lies, I hope you understand why

Got the best weather, the best fans, and other teams are hatin' on them.

San Diego making money, so put it back in our city.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, go back.

Yo, I got the second hottest car, because I'm the second most paid.

When I go to the club, I get the second most laid.

And teams are shameless in manipulating cities' fears.

In 1997, the Minnesota Twins even ran an ad showing a player visiting a child in hospital with cancer.

And the tagline, if the Twins leave Minnesota, an eight-year-old from Wilmar undergoing chemotherapy will never get a visit from Marty Cordova.

Which is less like the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and more like the Make-A-Threat Foundation.

But teams don't just use threats to get what they want.

They also promise that new stadiums can work economic magic.

The Milwaukee Bucks, who are also currently threatening to leave if they don't get a new arena, are running this ad now.

Transforming a community with new development, jobs, growth, and opportunity.

The ripple effect of a new era begins today.

It spreads across the riverfront, up through Bronzeville, and across the great state of Wisconsin.

For a start, I don't think Wisconsin will be transformed by 1 new arena.

And also, if you really are looking to make a tangible change, how about coming up with a better slogan than, -"Fear the deer." -$50,000.

Deers aren't scary, They're timid forest ponies with sticks on their heads.

The truth is, stadiums very rarely revitalize their surrounding areas, or create large numbers of permanent jobs.

Just listen to 1 bar owner near that, New Marlins ballpark.

He says since the stadium opened in 2012,

not only have his profits not risen, on game days, his regulars stay away, afraid of the traffic.

Here as a business owner, we don't see any changes.

Of course it is, because no 1 has ever said, hey, let's go hang out in the area around the stadium.

And I'll tell you why, I've got a new shirt and I really want someone to vomit milliliter nachos all over it.

In fact, a major review of almost 20 years of studies showed economists could find no substantial evidence that stadiums had increased jobs, incomes, or tax revenues.

This 1 economist said to me, I love this line, he said, you're...

Rather than spend a billion dollars on a stadium, you're actually better off flying a plane over a city and dumping a billion dollars on the populace and just letting them pick up the money and spend it.

To be fair, to be fair, that is not a great idea for the economy, but it is a fantastic idea for a new reality show.

Tune in this Sunday for Ryan Seacrest's billion-dollar dump.

And it gets 1 step worse, Because when you use public money to pay for an expensive stadium, you might find yourself unable to afford something you badly need.

Hamilton County in Ohio was estimated to spend 50 million last year on debts and other costs for the Bengals and the Reds stadiums.

Even though, since building them, they've had to sell a public hospital, cut 1,700 jobs and delay payments for schools because of budget gaps.

And it might not even end there, because there's a clause in the contract that states if 14 other NFL stadiums have something, then taxpayers must buy the Bengals that thing.

And here is how comprehensive that clause is.

Taxpayers are also on the hook for all kinds of future bells and whistles.

Some that haven't even been invented yet.

At some point, taxpayers have also agreed to pay for a holograph replay machine.

The Bengals have a deal whereby if someone invents holographic instant replay in the future, The county has to buy it for them.

And that's the kind of clause owners put into a deal in order to take it out during negotiations.

Which begs the question, what else was in there?

Look, we want a helipad, a submarine dock, and a monkey named Professor Bananas to hang out in the locker room during halftime, or we're moving the team to L.A.

But teams get these deals because they know politicians will capitulate and give them whatever they want.

Well, just Monday, just this Monday, their mayor argued for a new stadium deal he admits is not perfect with this appeal to civic pride.

I was on the Great Wall of China, and I had a Milwaukee t-shirt on.

And on the Great Wall of China, this guy, Chinese guy came up to me and said, Milwaukee Bucks.

That's important to me, It's important to all of us.

The only possible way that story is true is if that Chinese man happened to be former Milwaukee Bucks player, Yi Jianlian.

And you can almost sympathize, because when politicians do try to stand up to teams, it can cost them.

Last month, the city council of Glendale, Arizona, voted to try and get out of an awful deal with the Coyotes, whose hockey arena was costing them more than $8 million per year.

The mayor held a public hearing, and it did not go well.

It's you that doesn't support any sport in this city.

What you're doing is childish, it's pathetic, and it's just disrespectful.

♪ What, while I can see her passion is real, you don't get to call someone childish when you are the 1 arguing for spending millions of public dollars you don't have to keep a giant slab of ice in Arizona.

Just days after that, Coyote's fans raised money so that she could tase the mayor for charity.

First of all, do you have to say taser 3 times before tasing someone?

And second, no 1 should want a stadium so badly they're willing to electrocute an old man for it.

And look, I know sports can make people behave irrationally.

For instance, somewhere, there is a man with this actual tattoo of Tim Tebow as a centaur.

But we have to come to our senses and stop signing these deals.

And if you're thinking, well, John, there's no way.

Let me persuade you to fight back in the only way that I know works.

An inspirational halftime speech set to music.

Please, American sports fans, I'm going to need you to join me in the locker room.

Because it turns out we need to have ourselves a talk.

And at home you might want to take a knee.

These owners have been humiliating us for decades.

We could roll over and let them do it to us for another 20 years.

Or right here, tonight, we could decide to fight back.

And I'm not saying we shouldn't have giant aquariums in ballparks full of terrified fish.

But we should not be using public money to pay for them.

And Yeah, teams might threaten to leave you.

But I happen to believe that your cities are more than just the teams who happen to play there.

You're the second largest city in California.

And you, Cincinnati, you're the home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

You're the hometown of astronaut Jim Lovell and Emmy Award-winning actress Carol Kane.

You might have to hang on to the bangles.

But for the rest of you, for the rest of you, I want you to look deep down inside your hearts.

I want you to dig in there, and I want you to find something.

And it's gonna seem tiny, but it's the most powerful thing in the world, and it's the word no.

So when a billionaire asks you to buy him a hologram machine that doesn't exist yet, what are you going to say?

And when they ask you for public money without opening their books, what are you going to say to them?

And when they ask you if they can keep all the money for calling their arena Smoothie King Center, what are you going to say to them?

Fuck no, that's right, because that's a stupid name for anything, even a smoothie store.

And the next time a team comes around asking for a new stadium, I want you to make them pay.


Speaker 0: -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ Sports. The thing you weren't quite good enough at for your dad to love you. I... I absolutely love sports. In fact, the only times I've cried as a grown man have been while watching actors playing coaches deliver inspirational speeches set to stirring music.

Speaker 1: This game is not over. This battle is not over. Listen up. This is our time now. Second half is our time.

Because we know when we add up all those issues, that's gonna make the f***ing difference between winning and losing! -♪ Winning and losing! ♪ -♪ Winning and losing!

Speaker 0: ♪

Speaker 1: Clear eyes, full hearts.

Speaker 0: Let's go play some football! Let's go, baby! Let's go, let's

Speaker 1: go, let's go! Yes! Yes!

Speaker 0: I'll do anything that man says! We are all lucky that Kyle Chandler is not a Scientologist, or I would be broke and married to Mimi Rogers right now. That's a fact. That's a true fact. But, look, tonight, we're not gonna talk about the players on the field.

We're gonna talk about the fields themselves. Stadiums. America has a lot of them, and they are increasingly fantastic.

Speaker 2: At the home of the Dallas Cowboys, here's what you also get. Real art by world-renowned artists. The Party Suite is all about watching the game or a concert in style.

Speaker 3: You can do bottle service. You can set up, come in before the game. You know, you get the snake skin, you know, the gold H, so everybody knows where you're

Speaker 4: sitting. There are 14 party cabanas and 2 pools watched by lifeguards that looked out on the field. Just look toward the end zone. Yep, those swimming pools are inside the stadium.

Speaker 0: That's right. You can now watch a game from a swimming pool suspended above the field, where the real contest for the fans is finding out whether or not HPV can swim. And, hey, my money's on HPV. That's a clutch STD. That's clutch.

Most New stadiums nowadays look like they were designed by a coked-up Willy Wonka. And if you don't believe me, just look at what the Miami Marlins have in their new ballpark.

Speaker 2: That's a fish tank around the whole park. That is awesome.

Speaker 0: Yes. The Marlins have actual aquariums behind home plate. Which is indeed awesome, because you get to watch baseball, while at the same time watching fish develop panic disorders. And look, all those new features are clearly incredible. The problem is, they're also expensive, and the vast majority of stadiums are built using public money.

1 analysis found that between 2000 and 2010, we spent $12 billion building new facilities for professional teams, which begs the question, why? Sports teams are successful businesses with wealthy owners, and yet they still get our help. 2 years ago, Detroit got approval to spend more than 280 million dollars in taxpayer money on a new arena project for the Red Wings, just 6 days after the city filed for bankruptcy. Even though the Red Wings owner is Mike Illich, the founder of the Little Caesars pizza chain, who's worth an estimated 5.1 billion. That's a little hard to swallow.

I mean, sure, not as hard to swallow as a Little Caesar's Crazy Bread with an assortment of Caesar dips, but still pretty hard. And we don't just help teams build stadiums, we let them keep virtually all the revenue those stadiums then produce. Just listen to the president of the Miami Marlins describe their not-at-all-unusual deal.

Speaker 5: You get the income from naming rights? Yes. You get the income from concessions? Yes. You get the luxury box income?

Yes. You get the income from non-baseball events.

Speaker 6: That's the whole object of this, is to get more revenue.

Speaker 0: Wow. That's... That's pretty direct. Hey, you think I got into this because I like sports? What are you, a child?

Who let a child host a television show? This is all about the money, son, the money. He mentioned naming rights in there, and it is true for most teams. If you sell the name of your building, you get to keep the money, even when it's as stupid as this.

Speaker 7: The New Orleans Pelicans are going to be playing their home games at the Smoothie King Center.

Speaker 0: Yeah. The Smoothie King Center. And you have to feel a bit for the Pelicans players. It can't be easy to protect your home court when it's named after a slop of yogurt and kale ejaculated from a blender. -♪ ♪ -♪ But owners monetizing every part of a stadium is so ingrained, it's even now a feature in the Madden NFL video game.

Speaker 4: We're adding the ability to run your team as an NFL owner. Being an owner isn't just about talking, though, It's about taking action. Set prices on concessions, merchandise, and tickets. Upgrade your stadium. Improve everything from the parking lot to the locker room.

Speaker 0: It's incredible. The owner experience is apparently so realistic that if you unlock a secret level, you can even deal with the aftermath of making a racist comment. That's... That's incredible attention to detail for gamers. Teams...

Teams are so successful at pushing for upgraded stadiums that since the early 90s, we've had a replacement rate of over 90 percent. We replaced stadiums even faster than we replaced Spider-Men. And come on, what? Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield were perfectly good, state-of-the-art Spider-Men. Almost every single team gets some kind of public money.

Some, like the Yankees, might build the stadium themselves, but on lands that they're given rent and property tax-free, costing New York City hundreds of millions in lost revenues. But many others get their stadiums funded through tax-exempt municipal bonds, which yes, sound like the last words an accountant says before his blind date falls asleep at the dinner table. But they're actually incredibly important. So let me quickly try to explain. Municipal bonds are a way for the city to take out a loan, which they then later repay with interest.

Although, usually through new or existing taxes. They're supposed to be for things like roads or schools, public goods that private industry would not pay for. But they've been routinely misused to finance stadiums for decades. And often, cities do it because teams claim they can't afford to build stadiums themselves. The Marlins got nearly $500 million toward their fish-traumatizing theme park by pleading poverty.

Although when Miami-Dade County tried to verify that, something strange happened.

Speaker 5: Among the questions they asked was, -"Can we see your books?" You said no.

Speaker 6: -"Right."

Speaker 7: Why

Speaker 5: didn't you just open the books? -"Because..." -"Why isn't that easier?"

Speaker 6: Because in Major League Baseball history, books are just kept private. That's just how it is.

Speaker 0: Sure, but if the argument, in Major League Baseball history, that's just how it is, always won, we'd still have an all-white league of players gambling on games, smoking cigarettes at the plate, and dying of syphilis. -... But then, leaked documents later revealed that despite denying they made a profit, the Marlins had generated nearly 50 million over the previous 2 years. And listen, pretending you're poor is wrong. It wasn't okay when Mary-Kate Olsen went through her hobo phase, And it's not okay now.

And we haven't even mentioned the ultimate bargaining chip that teams like to use, threatening to leave. Right now, the Oakland Raiders, the St. Louis Rams, and the San Diego Chargers are all threatening to move to Los Angeles unless they get new stadiums. In fact, over the past 2 decades, nearly half the NFL has been subject to speculation about a move to L.A. It's such a cliche, that in the current Madden video game, if you want a new stadium, a good way to do that is to relocate the team.

And the game even tells you the easiest choice financially is, guess where? Los Angeles. And if you're a Chargers fan, that must be pretty infuriating. Oh, come on! Even my make-believe escapist entertainment is trying to move my fucking team to L.A.

In fact, Chargers fans are currently so terrified their team might leave, not only are they campaigning to spend public money on a stadium, they're doing it in 1 of the worst rap songs of all time. -♪

Speaker 8: Diehard fans almost went on a rampage

Speaker 0: ♪ ♪

Speaker 8: I tell no lies, I hope you understand why

Speaker 0: ♪ ♪

Speaker 8: Got the best weather, the best fans, and other teams are hatin' on them. They deserve a brand-new stadium. San Diego, the finest city. San Diego, the second-largest city. Save our votes, save our committee.

San Diego making money, so put it back in our city.

Speaker 0: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, go back. Did he say second largest city? That is a strange boast for a rap song. Yo, I got the second hottest car, because I'm the second most paid. When I go to the club, I get the second most laid.

Second most. Second most. I'm up there. I'm number 2, yo. Number 2.

And teams are shameless in manipulating cities' fears. In 1997, the Minnesota Twins even ran an ad showing a player visiting a child in hospital with cancer. And the tagline, if the Twins leave Minnesota, an eight-year-old from Wilmar undergoing chemotherapy will never get a visit from Marty Cordova. Which is less like the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and more like the Make-A-Threat Foundation. But teams don't just use threats to get what they want.

They also promise that new stadiums can work economic magic. The Milwaukee Bucks, who are also currently threatening to leave if they don't get a new arena, are running this ad now.

Speaker 7: The ripple effect starts here. This is Wisconsin's home. From the court to concerts. Transforming a community with new development, jobs, growth, and opportunity. The ripple effect of a new era begins today.

It spreads across the riverfront, up through Bronzeville, and across the great state of Wisconsin.

Speaker 0: -♪ 000... ♪ -Settle down, Milwaukee Bucks. For a start, I don't think Wisconsin will be transformed by 1 new arena. And also, if you really are looking to make a tangible change, how about coming up with a better slogan than, -"Fear the deer." -$50,000. Deers aren't scary, They're timid forest ponies with sticks on their heads.

I fear no deer. The truth is, stadiums very rarely revitalize their surrounding areas, or create large numbers of permanent jobs. Just listen to 1 bar owner near that, New Marlins ballpark.

Speaker 9: He says since the stadium opened in 2012,

Speaker 2: not only have his profits not risen, on game days, his regulars stay away, afraid of the traffic.

Speaker 7: Here as a business owner, we don't see any changes. You could even say it's hurting us.

Speaker 0: Of course it is, because no 1 has ever said, hey, let's go hang out in the area around the stadium. And I'll tell you why, I've got a new shirt and I really want someone to vomit milliliter nachos all over it. In fact, a major review of almost 20 years of studies showed economists could find no substantial evidence that stadiums had increased jobs, incomes, or tax revenues. Or to put that another way...

Speaker 6: This 1 economist said to me, I love this line, he said, you're... Rather than spend a billion dollars on a stadium, you're actually better off flying a plane over a city and dumping a billion dollars on the populace and just letting them pick up the money and spend it.

Speaker 1: --and sure, look, yeah. ---to be fair,

Speaker 0: That's not... To be fair, to be fair, that is not a great idea for the economy, but it is a fantastic idea for a new reality show. Tune in this Sunday for Ryan Seacrest's billion-dollar dump. Only on NBC. And it gets 1 step worse, Because when you use public money to pay for an expensive stadium, you might find yourself unable to afford something you badly need.

Hamilton County in Ohio was estimated to spend 50 million last year on debts and other costs for the Bengals and the Reds stadiums. Even though, since building them, they've had to sell a public hospital, cut 1,700 jobs and delay payments for schools because of budget gaps. And it might not even end there, because there's a clause in the contract that states if 14 other NFL stadiums have something, then taxpayers must buy the Bengals that thing. And here is how comprehensive that clause is. Taxpayers are also on the hook for all kinds of future bells and whistles.

Some that haven't even been invented yet. At some point, taxpayers have also agreed to pay for a holograph replay machine. Someday. It's true. The Bengals have a deal whereby if someone invents holographic instant replay in the future, The county has to buy it for them.

And that's the kind of clause owners put into a deal in order to take it out during negotiations. Which begs the question, what else was in there? Look, we want a helipad, a submarine dock, and a monkey named Professor Bananas to hang out in the locker room during halftime, or we're moving the team to L.A. But teams get these deals because they know politicians will capitulate and give them whatever they want. Remember Milwaukee?

Well, just Monday, just this Monday, their mayor argued for a new stadium deal he admits is not perfect with this appeal to civic pride.

Speaker 10: I was in China 10 years ago. I was on the Great Wall of China, and I had a Milwaukee t-shirt on. And on the Great Wall of China, this guy, Chinese guy came up to me and said, Milwaukee Bucks. That's important to me, It's important to all of us.

Speaker 0: Okay. Okay. The only possible way that story is true is if that Chinese man happened to be former Milwaukee Bucks player, Yi Jianlian. Hey, remember me? Milwaukee Bucks.

2 seasons. I averaged 8.6 points a game. Milwaukee Bucks. -$8.6. -$8.6.

And you can almost sympathize, because when politicians do try to stand up to teams, it can cost them. Last month, the city council of Glendale, Arizona, voted to try and get out of an awful deal with the Coyotes, whose hockey arena was costing them more than $8 million per year. The mayor held a public hearing, and it did not go well.

Speaker 2: I support this team. It's you that doesn't support any sport in this city. Not football, and certainly not hockey. What you're doing is childish, it's pathetic, and it's just disrespectful.

Speaker 0: -♪

Speaker 1: 0000000000000... ♪ -♪ 00000000000...

Speaker 0: ♪ What, while I can see her passion is real, you don't get to call someone childish when you are the 1 arguing for spending millions of public dollars you don't have to keep a giant slab of ice in Arizona. Just days after that, Coyote's fans raised money so that she could tase the mayor for charity.

Speaker 2: Taser, taser, taser.

Speaker 1: Ah! Go, go! Let me out!

Speaker 0: Okay, okay, okay. First of all, do you have to say taser 3 times before tasing someone? You're not tasing Beetlejuice. And second, no 1 should want a stadium so badly they're willing to electrocute an old man for it. And look, I know sports can make people behave irrationally.

For instance, somewhere, there is a man with this actual tattoo of Tim Tebow as a centaur. That makes no sense! But we have to come to our senses and stop signing these deals. And if you're thinking, well, John, there's no way. It's just too hard.

Let me persuade you to fight back in the only way that I know works. An inspirational halftime speech set to music. So you know what? Let's do it. Let's do it.

Please, American sports fans, I'm going to need you to join me in the locker room. Because it turns out we need to have ourselves a talk. An emotional, inspiring talk. So gather round. And at home you might want to take a knee.

I know things look bad out there. These owners have been humiliating us for decades. And sure, We could just give up. We could roll over and let them do it to us for another 20 years. We could do that.

Or right here, tonight, we could decide to fight back. And I'm not saying we shouldn't have giant aquariums in ballparks full of terrified fish. Of course we should! This is America! If we don't have them, no 1 else will.

But we should not be using public money to pay for them. And Yeah, teams might threaten to leave you. That might happen. But I happen to believe that your cities are more than just the teams who happen to play there. St.

Louis, stand up. Stand up, St. Louis, and look at me. You're more than just the Rams. You're more than just the Rams.

You're more than just the Rams! You're a proud Midwestern metropolis. You're home of the St. Louis Arch. San Diego.

You're the second largest city in California. That's not nothing. That's not nothing. That's a solid number 2. And you, Cincinnati, you're the home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

That's Cleveland. You're the hometown of astronaut Jim Lovell and Emmy Award-winning actress Carol Kane.

Speaker 8: That's Cleveland, as well.

Speaker 0: Shit, I'm sorry. You might have to hang on to the bangles. But for the rest of you, for the rest of you, I want you to look deep down inside your hearts. I want you to dig in there, and I want you to find something. And it's gonna seem tiny, but it's the most powerful thing in the world, and it's the word no.

Huh? No. So when a billionaire asks you to buy him a hologram machine that doesn't exist yet, what are you going to say? No! That's right!

And when they ask you for public money without opening their books, what are you going to say to them? No! That's right! And when they ask you if they can keep all the money for calling their arena Smoothie King Center, what are you going to say to them? No!

Fuck no, that's right, because that's a stupid name for anything, even a smoothie store. So listen to me, because I

Speaker 7: want you all to get out there.

Speaker 0: And the next time a team comes around asking for a new stadium, I want you to make them pay. What are you gonna do? Make them pay! What are you gonna do? Make them pay!

What are you going to do? Make them pay! Clear your eyes,

Speaker 1: full hearts! Clear your eyes! Let's go do this! Let's go make them pay! Let's go make them pay!

Let's go do this!

Speaker 0: That's our show. Thank you for watching. We'll see you next week!

Speaker 1: You

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