John Oliver wishes viewers a happy new year and discusses the problem with New Year's resolutions. He suggests revising resolutions to make them more achievable and managing disappointment. The video ends with a reminder of the show's return date.

John Oliver helps you revise the New Year’s resolutions you’ve already failed to keep.

Connect with Last Week Tonight online...
Subscribe to the Last Week Tonight YouTube channel for more almost news as it almost happens: www.youtube.com/user/LastWeekTonight

Find Last Week Tonight on Facebook like your mom would:
http://Facebook.com/LastWeekTonight

Follow us on Twitter for news about jokes and jokes about news:
http://Twitter.com/LastWeekTonight

Visit our official site for all that other stuff at once:
http://www.hbo.com/lastweektonight

I'm John Oliver, host of Last Week Tonight.

It is January the third, and we are still on hiatus.

But I wanted to take this opportunity to wish you all a happy new year, which is something you can still do for another day or 2 before people start to think you just came out of a week-long blackout.

Also, I would like to talk to you about New Year's resolutions.

The exact middle ground between lying to yourself and lying to other people.

Every December, for some reason, we decide that next year will be the 1 when everything turns around and we'll quit drinking or finally learn how to pronounce the name of these berries.

We're a few days into the new year now, and if you haven't broken your resolutions yet, statistically, you are about to.

And that can be depressing, but don't panic.

All hope is not lost, because the key thing with resolutions is not how to keep them, it's how to revise them once you've failed.

The main problem with New Year's resolutions is that we set our expectations way too high.

For instance, lots of people say they want to exercise more, but that's hard.

Exercise is like reading for your muscles, except you can't watch a movie of someone else exercising and basically get the gist of it.

So, instead of beating yourself up because you haven't gone to the gym yet, simply lower your standards for what counts as exercise to anything that brings your heart rate up.

That way, instead of jogging, simply try waking up late for work.

That way, you haven't failed to keep your New Year's resolution, you've just succeeded in a different way.

Or, let's say you bought a crock pot and promised yourself you'd use it to make yourself nutritious meals.

So simply revise your promise to saying that you would use it, period.

That way, if you find mice in your apartment, you will fulfill your resolution simply by filling the crockpot with water, setting it to low, and making those mice a kick-ass hot tub.

And finally, if scaling down your resolutions doesn't work, how about scaling them up to a completely unachievable level?

For example, resolve to throw out the first pitch at Yankee Stadium on July the 4th.

Or win an EGOC, which means winning an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and the Kentucky Derby.

You're not gonna do any of those things, which is why you won't feel bad when they don't happen, because deep down, we all know, the key to a successful resolution is not hard work and dedication, it's managing disappointment, and that's it.

And speaking of managing disappointment, we will be back on HBO on February the 14th.


Speaker 0: -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ Hello there. I'm John Oliver, host of Last Week Tonight. It is January the third, and we are still on hiatus. But I wanted to take this opportunity to wish you all a happy new year, which is something you can still do for another day or 2 before people start to think you just came out of a week-long blackout. Also, I would like to talk to you about New Year's resolutions.

The exact middle ground between lying to yourself and lying to other people. Every December, for some reason, we decide that next year will be the 1 when everything turns around and we'll quit drinking or finally learn how to pronounce the name of these berries. Is it uh-uh-kai? A-A-K? A-A-Sai?

There's no way to know for sure. The science simply isn't in yet. But let's be honest. We're a few days into the new year now, and if you haven't broken your resolutions yet, statistically, you are about to. And that can be depressing, but don't panic.

All hope is not lost, because the key thing with resolutions is not how to keep them, it's how to revise them once you've failed. Let me explain, let me explain. The main problem with New Year's resolutions is that we set our expectations way too high. For instance, lots of people say they want to exercise more, but that's hard. -...

Exercise is like reading for your muscles, except you can't watch a movie of someone else exercising and basically get the gist of it. So, instead of beating yourself up because you haven't gone to the gym yet, simply lower your standards for what counts as exercise to anything that brings your heart rate up. That way, instead of jogging, simply try waking up late for work. Or taking a pregnancy test. That way, you haven't failed to keep your New Year's resolution, you've just succeeded in a different way.

Or, let's say you bought a crock pot and promised yourself you'd use it to make yourself nutritious meals. Clearly, that was never going to happen. So simply revise your promise to saying that you would use it, period. That way, if you find mice in your apartment, you will fulfill your resolution simply by filling the crockpot with water, setting it to low, and making those mice a kick-ass hot tub. Yes.

Those mice are gonna get so much tail. So much tail, I stand by that joke! -♪ Yeah! ♪ -I stand by the tail joke! I do not apologize!

And finally, if scaling down your resolutions doesn't work, how about scaling them up to a completely unachievable level? For example, resolve to throw out the first pitch at Yankee Stadium on July the 4th. Or win an EGOC, which means winning an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and the Kentucky Derby. That's hard. You're not gonna do any of those things, which is why you won't feel bad when they don't happen, because deep down, we all know, the key to a successful resolution is not hard work and dedication, it's managing disappointment, and that's it.

-...and that's it. -...and that's it. And speaking of managing disappointment, we will be back on HBO on February the 14th. Until then, please enjoy your failures. Goodbye!

-...and that's it. -...and that's it.

See all LastWeekTonight transcripts on Youtube

Revised Resolutions (Web Exclusive): Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)