- The main story is about Donald Trump and his success in the presidential race
- Trump's unpredictability and entertainment value is acknowledged
- His claim of telling it like it is is debunked with evidence of false statements
- His self-funding claim is questioned, as he has only loaned his campaign money
- Trump's thin skin and love for lawsuits is highlighted
- His success is questioned, as he has also experienced significant financial losses
- His net worth is disputed and his claim that it fluctuates based on his feelings is criticized.

- The piece criticizes Donald Trump's claim that his net worth changes depending on his mood.
- It highlights the intangible value he places on his brand, valuing it at $3 billion.
- The piece mentions various failed business ventures that Trump has been associated with, such as Trump Shuttle and Trump Vodka.
- It questions Trump's financial instincts and his decision to start a mortgage company in 2006, just before the housing market collapse.
- The piece discusses how Trump often licenses his name to buildings rather than owning them, and how this can lead to false perceptions of stability and quality.
- It criticizes Trump's inconsistent views and statements, including his response to being asked about David Duke and his advocacy for war crimes.
- The piece concludes by suggesting that the name "Trump" is more reflective of who he actually is, and urges readers to consider how they would feel if they met a person named Donald Drumpf.

This piece criticizes Donald Trump, describing him as a litigious serial liar with failed business ventures and the support of a former Klan leader. The speaker asks America to "Make Donald Trump Again" sarcastically, and promotes a Chrome extension that replaces the word "Trump" with "Drumpf." They also sell hats with the slogan, but not for profit. The piece concludes by urging people not to vote for Trump based on his image, as he is described as a "bullshit artist" and a "baby with even smaller fingers."

The text provides a critical analysis of Donald Trump, highlighting his success in the presidential race, but also pointing out his unpredictability, false statements, and financial losses. It questions his self-funding claim and criticizes his thin skin and love for lawsuits. The piece also discusses Trump's disputed net worth, failed business ventures, inconsistent views, and the intangible value he places on his brand. It concludes by urging readers to consider the implications of supporting someone like Trump and not to be swayed by his image.

Our main story was about Donald Trump. We can't believe we're saying that either.

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-♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ Our main story tonight, and I cannot believe I'm saying this, is Donald Trump.

And I say that, I say that knowing that every time his name is said out loud, he has a shattering orgasm.

And look, look, we have mostly ignored Trump on this show, but he has now won 3 states, has been endorsed by Chris Christie, and polls show him leading most Super Tuesday states, which is a big deal.

Since 1988, every candidate who's won the most states on Super Tuesday went on to become their party's nominee.

So at this point, Donald Trump is America's back mole.

It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it's gotten frighteningly bigger, it is no longer wise to ignore it.

And I do understand why Trump supporters might like him.

Just look how he went after Marco Rubio on Friday.

Just as it was funny when a few years ago, he tweeted, I would like to extend my best wishes to all, even the haters and losers, on this special date, September the 11th.

He wished haters and losers a happy 9-11.

There is a part of me that even likes this guy.

It's a part of me I hate, but it is a part of me." And if you are someone who's sick of the party establishment, he might seem like a protest candidate with some attractive qualities.

I honestly believe he's telling the truth.

He's aggressive, and he's strong, and he's bold.

If he runs the country like he runs his organization, we would be in good shape.

Donald Trump can seem appealing until you take a closer look.

Much like the lunch buffet at a strip club.

Sure, it seems fun, but someday, Coco's gonna tear your fucking limbs off.

Because let's look at each of those qualities those people listed.

Because the website PolitiFact checks 77 of his statements and rated 76% of them as varying degrees of false.

He once attacked my old boss by tweeting, if Jon Stewart is so above it all and legit, why did he change his name from Jonathan Leibowitz?

And then 2 years later wrote, I never attacked dopey Jon Stewart for his phony last name, would never do that.

And then, just last year, he claimed, falsely, to have turned down an invite to appear on this very boring show.

And who's he trying to impress with that lie?

Our show's guests include sloths and puppies.

We're basically a petting zoo with a desk.

But when we pointed out that he had never been invited, this is how he responded.

All of a sudden, I see people saying that John Oliver, and I'm saying, John Oliver?

And I checked with my people, He asked me to be on the show 4 or 5 times.

Well, look, first, first, I wouldn't expect him to know who I was, although for his inevitable angry tweet about this segment, I'll tell him what I look like.

I look like a nearsighted parrot who works at a bank.

But secondly, secondly, it was genuinely destabilizing to be on the receiving end of a lie that confident.

I even checked to make sure that no 1 had even accidentally invited him, And of course they hadn't.

And I'm not even sure he knows he's lying.

I think he just doesn't care about what the truth is.

Donald Trump views the truth like this lemur views the Supreme Court vacancy.

Let's move on to his next selling point, that he is truly independent and not beholden to anyone.

I'm self-funding my campaign, I tell the truth.

First, I'm rich, therefore I tell the truth has the same internal logic as, I'm a vegan, therefore I know karate.

There is no cause and effect between those 2, and the correlation usually goes the other way.

And while it is true that he hasn't taken corporate money, the implication that he has personally spent 20 to 25 million dollars is a bit of a stretch, because what he's actually done is loaned his own campaign 17 and a half million dollars, and has just personally given just $250,000.

And that's important, because up until the convention, he can pay himself back for the loan with campaign funds.

And if you don't think there's a significant difference between a gift and a loan, try giving your spouse an anniversary loan and see how that goes.

-...and even he himself sometimes admits that his campaign is by no means completely self-funded.

Other than the little tiny ones where they send in,

you know, women send in, we had a woman, $7.59.

He makes it sound like women are stuffing grimy dollar bills in envelopes, writing Donald Trump on the front, and he's just too kind to send them back.

But he's taken in 7 and a half million dollars in individual contributions.

And if he didn't want it, maybe he shouldn't have had 2 donate buttons on his website.

Because money isn't unsolicited when you have to ask for someone's credit card expiration date to receive it.

Okay, so how about the claim that he is tough?

Because for a tough guy, he has incredibly thin skin.

Back in 1988, Spy Magazine called him a short-fingered Bulgarian.

And ever since, the editor Graydon Carter says he receives envelopes from Trump always with a photo on which he circled his hand to highlight the length of his fingers.

Not so short." -$$ And look, look, his fingers seem fine, but the very fact he's so sensitive about them is absolutely hilarious.

As is the fact that those notes were apparently written in gold sharpie.

Which is so quintessentially Donald Trump.

Something that gives the passing appearance of wealth, but is actually just a cheap tool.

Now, Trump's signature tough talk, his signature tough talk often involves lawsuits.

He loves to threaten to sue people, like he did with Rosie O'Donnell.

So, probably I'll sue her, because it would be fun.

I'd like to take some money out of her fat-ass pockets.

Well, look, look, look, of course, of course he needs to take Rosie O'Donnell to court to take money out of her pockets, because his tiny, tiny fingers are too short to reach into her wallet.

In fact, he's repeatedly threatened people with lawsuits and not followed through.

Including the rapper Mac Miller, Lawrence O'Donnell, Vanity Fair, and an activist who launched a petition for Macy's to drop Trump's products.

I'll sue you is Trump's version of bazinga.

It doesn't really mean anything, but he says it all the time.

But perhaps Trump's biggest selling point as a candidate is his success.

And where could people get that idea from?

I actually think I have the best temperament.

I have the best words ♪ -♪ I have the best words

Literally, the biggest word in the sentence, I have the best words, is the word, words.

But it's worth noting, while yes, he has made more money than most of us will make in a lifetime.

Not only did he get a multi-million dollar inheritance from his father, but he's also lost a huge amount.

Because as we've learned, he will threaten to sue your fat-ass pockets with his cocktail sausage fingers...

-...if you talk about his company's bankruptcies.

So I will just let his own daughter describe the state of his finances at 1 point in his life.

I remember once my father and I were walking down Fifth Avenue, and there was a homeless person sitting, sitting right outside of Trump Tower.

And I remember my father pointing to him and saying, you know, that guy has 8000000000 dollars more than me.

Because he was in such extreme debt at that point, you know?

And that really shows you the indomitable spirit of Donald Trump to fall to his lowest point, and in that very moment, still find a way to be kind of a dick to a homeless guy.

Now, his campaign claims his current worth is in excess of $10 billion, and they've written it in all caps, so it must be true.

In fact, a book once suggested that Trump might be worth a mere $150 to $250 million, which Trump protested by suing the writer for $5 billion.

Which is a pretty roundabout way of getting half the way to 10000000000.

And you should know, for the record, Trump lost that lawsuit twice.

If only because, during the deposition, he explained that his estimate of his net worth fluctuates based on, and I quote, -"feelings, even my own feelings." -$1,000,000.

And that can change rapidly from day to day.

He claimed that his net worth changes depending on his mood, which makes absolutely no sense.

Partly because he always seems to be in the same mood, specifically, smug yet gassy.

Interestingly, a significant portion of his self-valuation is intangible.

And his disclosure form that he's released, it's about 3000000000 dollars.

He values his own name at 3000000000 dollars.

And I'm not saying a name can't have value.

It's why people will pay $120 for a plain white T-shirt that is designed by Kanye West.

They don't want just any white T-shirts, they want 1 designed by a bored sociopath with a finger-free anus.

Especially because while Trump has said, if I put my name on something, you know it's gonna be good.

Over the years, his name has been on some things that have arguably been very un-good.

Including Trump Shuttle, which no longer exists, Trump Vodka, which was discontinued, Trump Magazine, which folded, Trump World Magazine, which also folded, Trump University, over which he's being sued, and of course, the travel booking site, GoTrump.com, whose brief existence was, I imagine, a real thorn in the side of anyone hoping gotrump.com featured a single thing worth masturbating to.

When it comes to great steaks, I've just raised the steaks.

Trump steaks are the world's greatest steaks, and I mean that in every sense of the word.

And the sharper image is the only store where you can buy them.

And not only can you not buy those stakes anymore, But why did he sell them at the Sharper Image?

I will take a massage chair, an indoor waterfall, and 8 and a half pounds of the finest meat in America.

-♪ ♪ -And sure, every business executive is bound to have a few missteps, but Trump's lack of sound financial instincts is perhaps best exemplified by the business that he put his name on back in 2006, just before the entire housing market collapsed.

I think it's a great time to start a mortgage company.

It's Trump Mortgage and trumpmortgage.com, and it's gonna be a terrific company.

In fact, starting a mortgage company in 2006 was 1 of the worst decisions you could possibly make.

But I guess you can convince yourself it was a good idea when you say 30 words and 5 of them are great, great, terrific, Trump and Trump.

And you might say, well, never mind side businesses, what he really is, is a builder.

But a building with Trump written on it is not necessarily owned by him.

He may have just licensed his name to them, something he claims is actually better than ownership.

You don't put up money, you don't put up anything.

And Some of those licensed buildings sell his reputation hard, like the sales video for the Trump Ocean Resort in northern Mexico.

I'm very, very proud of the fact that when I build, I have investors that follow me all over.

People ask me, what does Trump stand for more than anything else?

And if I use 1 word, it's always quality.

Right, but it's easy to throw around the word quality.

The pillows are stuffed with hair they fished out of the bathtub drain.

He was never the builder for that project, which was later abandoned, leaving would-be condo buyers like William Flint, who lost $168,000, feeling understandably betrayed.

Donald Trump was an expert in these types of projects, or so we thought.

In a deposition for a lawsuit regarding the property, Trump's son, Donald Trump Jr., conceded that the Trump brand could lead people to think a project was a solid investment.

There's 1 of the things that you've learned through this process is that the Trump name brings stability and or viability to the project.

I don't know if it brings stability or viability, but I imagine certain people feel that.

And that might actually be the most honest slogan for the Trump campaign.

Trump 2016, I don't know if it brings stability or viability, but I imagine certain people feel that.

Not only did investors in that property sue Donald Trump, they also did in Trump Tower Tampa, another project that never got off the ground.

And in both cases, Trump characteristically deflected blame onto the developers.

And you would think those investors would be facing an up impossible legal battle, given Trump's tough talk.

When I get sued, I take it right all tits, take it all the way.

You know what happens if you settle suits, you get sued more.

But the problem is, even when you can demonstrably prove Trump to be wrong, it somehow never seems to matter.

You can hold his feet to the fire, but he'll just stand there on the stumps, bragging about his fireproof foot skin.

And that may be because he has spent decades turning his own name into a brand, synonymous with success and quality.

And he's made himself the mascot for that brand, like Ronald McDonald or Chef Boyardee.

And that is who we have seen in The Apprentice, or WrestleMania, or Home Alone 2.

But if he's actually going to be the Republican nominee, it's time to stop thinking of the mascot and start thinking of the man.

Because a candidate for president needs a coherent set of policies.

Whatever you think about Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz, at least you basically know where they stand.

But Trump's opinions have been wildly inconsistent.

He's been pro-choice and pro-life for and against assault weapon bans in favor of both bringing in Syrian refugees and deporting them out of the country.

Just this morning, for instance, he was asked about the fact that David Duke, former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, had told supporters to vote for him, and this was his answer.

Will you unequivocally condemn David Duke and say that you don't want his vote or that of other white supremacists in this election?

Well, just so you understand, I don't know anything about David Duke, okay?

I don't know anything about what you're even talking about with white supremacy or white supremacists.

I'm pretty sure I didn't meet him, and I just don't know anything about him."

Partly because you called him a bigot and a racist in the past.

The point is, with an answer like that, you are either racist or you are pretending to be, and at some point, there is no difference there.

And sure, he disavowed David Duke later in the day, but the scary thing is, we have no way of knowing which of his inconsistent views he will hold in office.

Will he stand by a statement that vaccines are linked to autism?

Or his belief that Mexico is sending us rapists?

Oh, and what about that plan he had to defeat ISIS?

We're fighting a very politically correct war.

is with the terrorists, you have to take out their families.

When you get these terrorists, you have to take out their families.

They care about their lives, don't kid yourself.

But they say they don't care about the left, you have to take out their families.

That is the front runner for the Republican nomination advocating a war crime.

And he might say he was joking, or he's changed his mind about any of these things, and private individuals are allowed to change their minds.

But when he's sworn in as president on January 20th, 2017, on that day, his opinions are going to matter.

And you will remember that date, because it's the 1 that time travelers from the future will come back to, to try and stop the whole thing from happening.

that the character of Donald Trump is entertaining and that he says things that people want to hear.

Just listen to this 1 supporter explain what it means to her.

I didn't even know what Trump Towers were, but I knew that he was a wealthy, successful man.

Even as a very young kid, the word Trump sort of meant rich to you.

It's the sound produced when a mouthy servant is slapped across the face with a wad of thousand dollar bills.

It's the sound of a cork popping on a couple's champagne-aversary.

The date renovations in the wine cellar were finally completed.

The very name Trump is the cornerstone of his brand.

If only there were a way to uncouple that magical word from the man he really is.

Because it turns out, the name Trump was not always his family's name.

1 biographer found that a prescient ancestor had changed it from, and this is true, Drumpf.

It's the sound produced when a morbidly obese pigeon flies into the window of a foreclosed Old Navy.

It's the sound of a bottle of store-branded root beer falling off the shelf in a gas station mini-mart.

And it may seem weird to bring up his ancestral name, but to quote Donald Trump, He should be proud of his heritage.

Because Trump is much more reflective of who he actually is.

So if you are thinking of voting for Donald Trump, the charismatic guy promising to make America great again, stop and take a moment to imagine how you would feel if you just met a guy named Donald Drumpf.

A litigious serial liar with a string of broken business ventures and the support of a former Klan leader who he can't decide whether or not to condemn.

Would you think he would make a good president or is the spell now somewhat broken?

And that is why tonight, I am asking America to make Donald Trump again.

We've actually filed paperwork to trademark the name Trump.

And incidentally, when we own it, I will have the best word.

And if you go to DonaldJDrumpf.com, which we own, you can download a Drumpfinator Chrome extension, which will replace the word Trump with Drumpf wherever it appears in your browser.

And you can also buy these Make Donald Drumpf Again hats, which we are selling at cost, meaning we've chosen not to make a profit, a fact which will probably irritate Mr.

Drumpf more than anything else I've said tonight.

And if you're thinking, well, that's all great, but I wish there was a new campaign anthem for Donald Trump, well, here it is now.

Because listen, we cannot keep getting blinded by the magic of his name.

We need to see him through fresh eyes, so please, don't think of him as Donald Trump.

And don't vote for him because he tells it like it is.

for him because he's tough, he's a baby with

because he's a builder, he's more of a shitty lifestyle brand.

Mr Trump, I await your lawsuit in the morning.

I have no doubt the complaints will be signed in gold sharpie.

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