- John Oliver, host of Last Week Tonight, briefly returns to speak about birds
- Birds are symbols of love, wisdom, and human trafficking
- Birds migrate to warmer climates to feed, grow, and attract a mate
- John Oliver expresses his dislike for birds, specifically geese, parrots, ostriches, swans, pelicans, and hummingbirds
- Penguins are the only birds he has no problem with
- John Oliver wishes for the birds to fly into wind turbines on their way north next spring
- Last Week Tonight will be back on HBO on September 25th

Birds will soon begin migrating to warmer climates. John Oliver says good riddance.

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I'm John Oliver, host of Last Week Tonight, HBO's highest budget show.

Which, which is a surprise until you learn that everything you see, including me, is entirely computer generated.

And come on, how did you not figure that out?

We are still on hiatus this week, but I wanted to briefly return to speak about a very important topic, birds.

Birds are symbols of love, wisdom, and of course, human trafficking.

And as the weather cools down, birds are going to start their seasonal migration, which is, of course, when they travel to warmer climates in order to feed, grow, and attract a mate.

It's their version of eat, pray, love, except birds are too dumb to realize that everything they needed was inside them the whole time.

But Before the migration begins, I have a brief message for the birds of the Northeast as they begin their journey southward.

To me, every single bird is just a shitty sequel to the dinosaurs.

You look like ducks that played football in high school and never stopped going to the gym.

I'm supposed to like parrots just because they can talk?

Basically, every human being talks, and I hate most of them.

Oh, and while I'm at it, ostriches, you can go straight to hell, you first-row flamingos.

You look like a giant ball of lint trying to up-shit out a huge leathery snake.

You both look like monsters from a fish's nightmare that came to life.

And as for hummingbirds, you're just obese bees in need of a nose job?

Actually, ostriches, come back, I'm not done with you yet.

And you look like piñatas filled with grocery coupons and dried meats.

Your failures are the 1 thing birds are known for.

Now, as for the rest of you, the rest of you birds, I hope all you disgusting sky mice enjoy your tropical getaways, while the rest of us face the frigid torment of winter.

And I hope each and every 1 of you flies into a wind turbine on your way north next spring.


Speaker 0: -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ Hello there. I'm John Oliver, host of Last Week Tonight, HBO's highest budget show. Which, which is a surprise until you learn that everything you see, including me, is entirely computer generated. And come on, how did you not figure that out? My face is textbook uncanny valley.

None of this makes sense. We are still on hiatus this week, but I wanted to briefly return to speak about a very important topic, birds. Or, as I call them, cat feeders. Birds are symbols of love, wisdom, and of course, human trafficking. And as the weather cools down, birds are going to start their seasonal migration, which is, of course, when they travel to warmer climates in order to feed, grow, and attract a mate.

It's their version of eat, pray, love, except birds are too dumb to realize that everything they needed was inside them the whole time. -...the whole time. -...the whole time. But Before the migration begins, I have a brief message for the birds of the Northeast as they begin their journey southward. Are you listening, birds?

Here goes. -♪♪♪♪ Fuck you, birds! Fuck you! I hope you never come back! To me, every single bird is just a shitty sequel to the dinosaurs.

And we'd be better off without you. And yes, I'm talking to you, geese. You look like ducks that played football in high school and never stopped going to the gym. And you know what? You're not off the hook either, parrots.

Oh, what? I'm supposed to like parrots just because they can talk? Basically, every human being talks, and I hate most of them. Oh, and while I'm at it, ostriches, you can go straight to hell, you first-row flamingos. You look like a giant ball of lint trying to up-shit out a huge leathery snake.

Oh, 0, and then there are penguins. Yeah, you guys are actually fine. I got no problem with you penguins. No problem. But I'll tell you what, you get a pass.

Lifetime pass for you, penguins. But you know what? Fuck you, swans and pelicans! You both look like monsters from a fish's nightmare that came to life. And as for hummingbirds, you're just obese bees in need of a nose job?

And you know what? Do you know what? Actually, ostriches, come back, I'm not done with you yet. Your eggs are too big! And you look like piñatas filled with grocery coupons and dried meats.

Just fly the fuck away from me! Oh, I'm sorry, you can't. Your failures are the 1 thing birds are known for. Now, as for the rest of you, the rest of you birds, I hope all you disgusting sky mice enjoy your tropical getaways, while the rest of us face the frigid torment of winter. And I hope each and every 1 of you flies into a wind turbine on your way north next spring.

Yeah! I hope... Fuck you, birds! We are back on HBO September 25th. Until then, goodbye.

You fly away. You fly away. -♪ ♪ -♪ APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Birds: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (Web Exclusive)