This piece discusses the president of Turkmenistan, Gurbanguly Berdymukhamadov, who has recently faced rumors of his death. The government released a video showing him engaging in various activities to prove he is alive. Berdymukhamadov is known for his authoritarian rule and Turkmenistan's oppressive government. He engages in unusual activities such as throwing knives and shooting guns while riding a bike. He is also a musician and has written books about horses, as he has a strong affinity for them. He owns a significant number of Akhal-Teke horses. The piece highlights the eccentricities of Berdymukhamadov's leadership.

- The video discusses the president of Turkmenistan's strange obsession with horses and Guinness World Records.
- The president has a creepy affection for horses, but horses do not seem to like him.
- The video shows footage of him falling off a horse during a race, which he tried to hide.
- The president also has a childlike obsession with collecting Guinness World Records.
- Guinness World Records now works with authoritarian governments to help them break records.
- The video suggests making a world record-sized cake depicting the president falling off a horse to embarrass him, but Guinness World Records declined to send an adjudicator.
- The video ends with the presenter standing next to a large marble cake depicting the incident and announces that the audience will receive cake and the rest will be donated to City Harvest.

- The frosted beast will be donated to City Harvest
- The speaker is happy and grateful
- The audience is cheering and clapping
- The show is over
- The speaker thanks the viewers and says goodbye

The text discusses the president of Turkmenistan, Gurbanguly Berdymukhamadov, who faced rumors of his death. The government released a video to prove he is alive, showcasing his unusual activities and eccentricities. These include his obsession with horses and Guinness World Records, as well as his childlike behavior. The video suggests making a cake depicting the president falling off a horse, but Guinness World Records declined to send an adjudicator. The video ends with the presenter announcing that the audience will receive cake and the rest will be donated to City Harvest, while the speaker thanks the viewers and says goodbye.

John Oliver takes a look at the president of Turkmenistan, a dangerous autocrat with some notably strange obsessions.

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-♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ The country of Turkmenistan, and specifically, its president, Gurbanguly Berdymukhamadov.

That is not to be confused with the Gurbanguly Berdymukhamadov that you went to high school with, or the 1 that was dating Taylor Swift over the summer.

No, we're talking about this Gurbanguly Berdymakhamadov.

He's actually been in the news a bit recently after rumors circulated that he died.

Something his government's pushed back on hard.

First, insisting that he was merely on vacation, then releasing a 25-minute video to state TV showing everything he was supposedly doing, from bowling, to working out with his friends, to this.

As we know, our dear leader is very skillful in controlling a sports car.

He rode his powerful off-road car around the crater and demonstrated his high professional driving skills.

You can't do donuts around a flaming pit if you're dead.

Think about all the people who are dead right now.

Babe Ruth, Galileo, Marlon Brando, Mother Teresa, the original Paul McCartney.

Do you see any of them doing donuts around fire pits?

Now, if Berdymukhamadov looks a bit familiar at all to you, we've actually mentioned him before on this show during our segment on authoritarian governments last year, when we showed you this clip of him being a literal strongman.

I hate to say this to a fellow lifter, but that shit's weak, bro.

You did 1 rep and there weren't even weights on the bar.

Even when I'm tapering, I stack more plate than an omakase.

My body's stuck on beast mode and there's no off switch.

You wanna know how I got these 2 boulder shoulders?

By putting in my time at my fortress of swolitude.

I'm just saying, bro, take notes, because I burst out of suits like I'm Meghan Markle.

-♪ ♪ -♪♪ And look, make no mistake, Bernie Makhamadov is even worse at ruling a country than he is at pushing plate.

He is a fierce authoritarian, and according to Human Rights Watch, Turkmenistan remains 1 of the world's most closed and oppressively governed countries.

I would say it's probably 1 of the worst places to live in the world.

Absolutely no freedom of the press, absolutely no way you can voice any kind of opinion.

That is quite a claim, especially considering the Earth also includes Syria, North Korea, and Twitter.

And it's not just a lack of freedom of speech.

There've also been State Department reports of arbitrary arrest and detention, endemic corruption, and forced labor.

But that is not the reason that we're talking about him.

After all, dangerous world leaders are currently a dime a dozen.

It's just 1 of the many things that makes being alive right now simply great.

Now, what makes Bernie Makhamadov unique is that even among strongman dictators, he is truly, deeply, and compellingly odd.

And while this story is going to get very weird, I promise you, in 20 minutes, you're not so much gonna be wondering why we talked about Turkmenistan as why we'd ever talk about anything else ever again.

And let's start with the obvious autocrat stuff here.

He's been running Turkmenistan for 12 years.

And in his most recent election, he won with 98% of the vote.

And like many autocrats, he's fond of showcasing his physical prowess, which you kind of already knew from watching him install a shower rod on hashtag arm day.

And there's just no shortage of videos online where you can see him firing weapons and throwing knives to impress his troops.

But that is just the beginning, because Bernie Makhamadov takes those standard issue cult of personality antics and does them just a little bit stranger.

By shooting targets down while riding a bike, our great commander-in-chief once again demonstrated his physical readiness.

This became a moment when our dear leader, who has high skills in every trade, demonstrated his level of masterfulness.

So watch out, enemies of Turkmenistan, because Berdymukhamadov will not hesitate to slowly ride a bike near you and shoot a gun in your general vicinity before an editor makes it look like he actually hit you.

But it is not just knife-tossing and gun-cycling.

Berdymukhamadov is also an artist, and his canvas is the human ear.

He went viral last year with a rap video recorded with his grandson about the importance of sports called Sportli Turkmenistan.

Sport and the health is inspiration Makes bodies strong and strong all the nations Gives you a joy and raise spirit high Sports is the way to your healthy life MUSIC CONTINUES

LAUGHTER Everything about that video is perfect, from the fact that clearly neither of them are playing their instruments, to the fact that they just rhymed Turkmenistan with Turkmenistan.

All in all, it is a fun, catchy sports anthem, truly worthy of Jock Jam's Volume 40, Maybe Sports Suck.

But his musical talents don't just stop there.

He also DJs, plays the piano, and is a guitarist who goes to great lengths to conceal his blistering chops.

♪ -♪ Come on in, Tori Gunn, Father of Man.

he's playing a duet with the smoke monster from Lost.

That stage looks like the back entrance to a church after a French AA meeting.

So, he's a strong man who likes DJing, rapping with his grandson and playing the guitar.

But amazingly, we haven't even gotten to the truly weird stuff yet.

Because Berdymukhamedov also likes horses.

Like, to the extent that it distracts from everything he's done during his nearly 13-year presidency.

Just think about how much Angela Merkel would have to like turtles for someone to go on TV and say, we don't have much time, so let's put aside everything she's ever done as chancellor of Germany and let's focus on the turtle thing.

That is how much Bernie Makhamadov likes horses.

He's specifically a fan of the Akhal-Teke, which isn't in itself unusual.

It's a beloved national symbol in Turkmenistan.

But not only does he give Akhal-Tekes as gifts to other world leaders, he's written multiple books on horses, including The Horse, A Symbol of Faithfulness and Happiness, The Flight of the Celestial-Raced Horses, and Ahal Teke, Our Pride and Glory.

Until recently, an official English language copy of that book was actually available on Amazon, but unfortunately, there was only 1 copy.

And it appears that someone bought it, shipped it to New York, and put it under my desk.

like to hear my favorite passage from this book?

Because it's this, and I quote, "...witnesses never wearied of being astonished by the steed and human intercourse brought to full perfection." Which I'm hoping is a mistranslation, but probably isn't, because Berdymukhamadov has involved himself in all stages of the horse life cycle.

A few years ago, he awarded himself the title, the People's Horse Breeder.

He's also made it illegal to change an Axel Teke's horse's name during its lifetime.

And a few years ago, issued a presidential decree instituting a tradition of beauty contests for horses.

Which is definitely odd, but at the same time, you do have to admit, the Ajalteke is a beautiful horse.

I mean, that's a super fuckable horse right there.

I'm not saying that I would fuck that horse.

I'm just saying that if I was a horse, I would fuck that horse.

To be clear, me, John Oliver the human, would not fuck that horse.

But John Oliver the horse would definitely fuck that horse.

I guess what I'm saying is, if I was a horse, and you said to me, fuck, marry, kill, Mustang, Ahalteca, Clydesdale, no question in my horse mind, fuck the Ahalteca, marry the Mustang, send the Clydesdale to the glue factory.

And look, admittedly, I've thought about this a lot, but definitely not as much as Gerben-Guli-Berdy-Makhamadov has.

Amazingly, he reportedly owns more than 600 Akhal-Tekes, which is almost 10% of the world's total.

Imagine owning 10% of the world's total of anything, and I say this as the owner of 100 percent of Amazon's inventory of Akhal-Teke, our pride and glory.

Now, earlier this year, someone actually gave Berdymukhamadov yet another 1 named Row Watch.

And He was so excited that he wrote a poem about his new horse and read it on state TV, and this is real.

You are the worship and memorabilia of ancestors.

You are the passage of the past into tomorrow.

Writing a fuck sonnet about a horse is weird.

It strongly suggests that he'd like to have sex with that horse, but writing a fucksonnet about a horse while sitting on a horse throne, among horse-accented cabinetry, complemented by a horse statue, horseshoe, and custom desk inlaid with gold horses, that strongly suggests that he actually already did.

The point is, President Equis here likes horses, but do horses like him?

The answer, and this is a direct quote, is nay.

That's not so much an expression as a physical manifestation of the phrase, -"I can't even." -$HONKING And this isn't even the first time a horse has seemed to have an issue with Bernie McCamadove.

Just watch what happened when he participated in a horse race in 2013.

And before I show you this, I should say 2 things.

First, remember, he runs a country where activists are disappeared in the prison system, and which has hit the bottom of a number of human rights indexes.

And second, the horse you're about to see was fine here.

So, with those 2 things in mind, watch this.

-♪ -♪ Again, the horse is alive and well.

Here he is doing doughnuts around a fire pit.

Now, now, now, interestingly, when that race aired on TV in Turkmenistan, the footage cut off a split second before his fall.

So, Berdymukhamedov really didn't want people to see that footage.

That's the footage that he really didn't want people to see.

In fact, he was so concerned that people might see it.

Journalists were apparently asked to erase all pictures and footage taken of the incident.

And at the airport, officials conducted extra checks for flash sticks and camera memory disks for any traces of the video.

And look, I'm not gonna show you that same video again.

I mean, why would I when I can instead show you a closer angle of the exact same incident?

man of my word, I'm a man of my word ♪ -♪ I'm a man of my word, I'm a man of my word

♪ Again, the horse is fine, and, this is true, A hero.

So, so, so to summarize here, Turkmenistan's authoritarian president is a strongman slash DJ with a creepy, unreciprocated affection for horses.

Or, at least, it was going to, until we learned about 1 last bizarre obsession of his.

And in the words of Turkman Airport officials inspecting the luggage of foreign journalists, we are going to have to unpack it.

The president has a childlike obsession with collecting Guinness World records.

Ashgabat holds the record for highest density of buildings with white marble cladding.

This tower won a world record for largest architectural image of a star.

Again, a Guinness record for the hotly contested title of world's largest indoor Ferris wheel.

First of all, the only thing worse than a Ferris wheel is an indoor Ferris wheel.

And second, the highest density of buildings with white marble cladding is just a pointless record.

I get he clearly has an obsession with marble.

The man even built a statue of himself on a golden horse atop a massive white marble cliff.

But at some point, a record is so bizarrely specific, it ceases to be impressive.

Like, largest bowl of goulash eaten while watching Frasier.

Also, incidentally, the world's smallest Ansel Elgort.

But the point is, during his tenure as president, Turkmenistan has aggressively set a number of Guinness records, including the world's highest number of fountain pools in a public space, the world's longest single-line bicycle parade, the world's largest horse head statue, of course, and the world's largest cycling awareness lesson.

We actually found footage of him setting that record, and he seemed pretty psyched about his achievement.

I would like to express my special appreciation to a representative of the Guinness Record Book for a certificate for the largest cycling awareness lesson.

This respected award is another 1 into the collection of our country's Guinness records.

First of all, a cycling awareness lesson seems entirely unnecessary.

Cycling is what you do when you want to lose a gunfight as slowly and as inaccurately as possible.

But here is where the story is actually gonna shift away from Turkmenistan for a minute, although I promise we will be back.

Because at this point, we started wondering, what is an official from Guinness World Records doing in 1 of the most repressive countries on Earth, certifying records for an autocrat?

Because this is supposed to be the fun-loving company that certifies quirky records like, and these are real, most apples held in the mouth and cut by a chainsaw in 1 minute, or oldest male stripper.

But when we started looking into it, we discovered that in the last few years, a big chunk of Guinness World Records income now comes from helping companies and other clients invent and break new records to get publicity.

Things like working with General Mills to set the record for world's longest line of tacos.

Basically, they can help design an event and even send an official adjudicator, like the 1 you just saw, to award the record on the spot.

For a full-service event, They reportedly charge anywhere from 12,000 to over half a million dollars.

And you might think, okay, but who gives a shit?

I'm not a nine-year-old waiting to testify in family court.

Why do I care about the Guinness Book of World Records.

But the thing is, it's not just companies.

They also work with authoritarian governments, and Berdymukhamadov isn't the only 1.

Guinness World Records has also sent adjudicators to Saudi Arabia to certify records like their world's largest flagpole, and has repeatedly worked with the Dubai police force, helping them break 11 records, among them, most consecutive formations formed by unmanned aerial vehicles.

And if you're wondering what that even means, here is what it looked like.

First, I would argue he could be slightly more impressed by that drone constellation of his own face.

Although I will say this, that might actually be the single most ethically defensible use of drones in the Middle East.

The whole point we're making here is, authoritarians love getting Guinness World Records, and you can see why.

They reinforce a cult of personality and confer a sense of legitimacy on a global stage.

Which brings us back to Gerben Guli, Berdy Makhamadov, because he absolutely loves them.

So, if you wanted to hurt him, that'd actually be his weak point.

The only question is, if you wanted to embarrass this particular human rights abusing horse fucker, what record would hurt him the most?

I mean, it'd have to involve some of his favorite things, wouldn't it?

And also include a humiliating moment that he didn't want people to know about.

So, hypothetically, if you could make the world's largest marble cake featuring the image of him falling off a horse, that would check all of the boxes there, right?

I mean, of course, it wouldn't be easy, would it?

The current record for largest marble cake is around 160 square feet.

Set by Betty Crocker in where else but Saudi Arabia.

Also, you'd ideally want an official adjudicator to come and certify the cake immediately.

And unfortunately, here is where I do have some bad news.

Because we actually planned to bake a 600-square-foot cake that would make Betty Crocker's look like a fucking mouse twinkie.

But when we reached out to Guinness World Records and we asked them to send someone, they declined, saying, and I quote, Unfortunately, because our brand is aligned with kids and families, this record attempt is not 1 that we will be able to provide an adjudicator for.

I guess we just don't run a brutal enough dictatorship to meet Guinness World Records' high ethical standards.

They did say that if we fully documented making the cake, they might certify us after the fact.

Unfortunately, they wanted us to sign an agreement that could have prevented us from criticizing them in this story, which is clearly ridiculous.

We don't need Guinness World Records to make a world record-sized cake.

And if we did, not only would we be annoying an authoritarian leader, we'd also now be annoying these guys.

I mean, I guess I really only have 2 questions for you at this 0.1, are you ready to make history?

I told you things were gonna get weird tonight, didn't I?

Admit it, when I said earlier, our main story concerns Turkmenistan, you did not expect the show to end 20 minutes later with me standing next to the world's largest marble cake depicting a guy falling off a horse.

Yet here we are, I have some good news, Everyone in this audience is going to get some cake to take home tonight.

And the rest of this magnificent frosted beast will be donated to City Harvest.


Speaker 0: -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ The country of Turkmenistan, and specifically, its president, Gurbanguly Berdymukhamadov. That is not to be confused with the Gurbanguly Berdymukhamadov that you went to high school with, or the 1 that was dating Taylor Swift over the summer. No, we're talking about this Gurbanguly Berdymakhamadov. He's actually been in the news a bit recently after rumors circulated that he died. Something his government's pushed back on hard.

First, insisting that he was merely on vacation, then releasing a 25-minute video to state TV showing everything he was supposedly doing, from bowling, to working out with his friends, to this. -♪ ♪ -♪ -♪

Speaker 1: With the R.E.

Speaker 0: ♪

Speaker 2: As we know, our dear leader is very skillful in controlling a sports car. He rode his powerful off-road car around the crater and demonstrated his high professional driving skills.

Speaker 0: Well, count me convinced. That guy is clearly alive and well. You can't do donuts around a flaming pit if you're dead. Think about all the people who are dead right now. Babe Ruth, Galileo, Marlon Brando, Mother Teresa, the original Paul McCartney.

Do you see any of them doing donuts around fire pits? Of course you don't! You have to be alive. Now, if Berdymukhamadov looks a bit familiar at all to you, we've actually mentioned him before on this show during our segment on authoritarian governments last year, when we showed you this clip of him being a literal strongman. -♪ Man, man, man, man, man, man...

♪ -♪ Man, man,

Speaker 1: man, man, man, man...

Speaker 0: ♪ -♪

Speaker 1: Man, man, man, man, man, man...

Speaker 0: ♪ -♪

Speaker 1: Man, man, man, man, man, man, man... ♪ Look,

Speaker 0: I hate to say this to a fellow lifter, but that shit's weak, bro. You did 1 rep and there weren't even weights on the bar. Even when I'm tapering, I stack more plate than an omakase. My body's stuck on beast mode and there's no off switch. You wanna know how I got these 2 boulder shoulders?

By putting in my time at my fortress of swolitude. I'm just saying, bro, take notes, because I burst out of suits like I'm Meghan Markle. Ooh! Boom! Kablow!

Kablow! -♪ ♪ -♪♪ And look, make no mistake, Bernie Makhamadov is even worse at ruling a country than he is at pushing plate. He is a fierce authoritarian, and according to Human Rights Watch, Turkmenistan remains 1 of the world's most closed and oppressively governed countries. Or, as 1 NGO researcher put it...

Speaker 3: I would say it's probably 1 of the worst places to live in the world. Absolutely no freedom of the press, absolutely no way you can voice any kind of opinion. It is still virtually a police state.

Speaker 0: 1 of the worst places on Earth. That is quite a claim, especially considering the Earth also includes Syria, North Korea, and Twitter. And it's not just a lack of freedom of speech. There've also been State Department reports of arbitrary arrest and detention, endemic corruption, and forced labor. So he's a dangerous world leader.

But that is not the reason that we're talking about him. After all, dangerous world leaders are currently a dime a dozen. It's just 1 of the many things that makes being alive right now simply great. Now, what makes Bernie Makhamadov unique is that even among strongman dictators, he is truly, deeply, and compellingly odd. So tonight, let's take a look at him.

And while this story is going to get very weird, I promise you, in 20 minutes, you're not so much gonna be wondering why we talked about Turkmenistan as why we'd ever talk about anything else ever again. And let's start with the obvious autocrat stuff here. He's been running Turkmenistan for 12 years. And in his most recent election, he won with 98% of the vote. And like many autocrats, he's fond of showcasing his physical prowess, which you kind of already knew from watching him install a shower rod on hashtag arm day.

And there's just no shortage of videos online where you can see him firing weapons and throwing knives to impress his troops. But that is just the beginning, because Bernie Makhamadov takes those standard issue cult of personality antics and does them just a little bit stranger.

Speaker 2: By shooting targets down while riding a bike, our great commander-in-chief once again demonstrated his physical readiness. This became a moment when our dear leader, who has high skills in every trade, demonstrated his level of masterfulness.

Speaker 0: Oh, yes. Total masterfulness. So watch out, enemies of Turkmenistan, because Berdymukhamadov will not hesitate to slowly ride a bike near you and shoot a gun in your general vicinity before an editor makes it look like he actually hit you. But it is not just knife-tossing and gun-cycling. Berdymukhamadov is also an artist, and his canvas is the human ear.

He went viral last year with a rap video recorded with his grandson about the importance of sports called Sportli Turkmenistan. MUSIC

Speaker 1: PLAYS

Speaker 4: Sport and the health is inspiration Makes bodies strong and strong all the nations Gives you a joy and raise spirit high Sports is the way to your healthy life MUSIC CONTINUES

Speaker 0: -♪♪ -♪♪ Fire. LAUGHTER Everything about that video is perfect, from the fact that clearly neither of them are playing their instruments, to the fact that they just rhymed Turkmenistan with Turkmenistan. All in all, it is a fun, catchy sports anthem, truly worthy of Jock Jam's Volume 40, Maybe Sports Suck. But his musical talents don't just stop there. He also DJs, plays the piano, and is a guitarist who goes to great lengths to conceal his blistering chops.

-♪

Speaker 1: Come on in, Tori Gunn, Father of Man.

Speaker 0: ♪ -♪ -♪

Speaker 1: Come on in, Tori Gunn, Father of Man. ♪ -♪ Come on in, Tori Gunn, Father of Man. ♪ -♪ Come on in, Tori Gunn, Father of Man.

Speaker 0: ♪

Speaker 5: Holy shit! He looks like

Speaker 0: he's playing a duet with the smoke monster from Lost. That stage looks like the back entrance to a church after a French AA meeting. So, he's a strong man who likes DJing, rapping with his grandson and playing the guitar. But amazingly, we haven't even gotten to the truly weird stuff yet. Because Berdymukhamedov also likes horses.

Like, a lot. Like, the incorrect amount. Like, to the extent that it distracts from everything he's done during his nearly 13-year presidency. Just think about how much Angela Merkel would have to like turtles for someone to go on TV and say, we don't have much time, so let's put aside everything she's ever done as chancellor of Germany and let's focus on the turtle thing. That is how much Bernie Makhamadov likes horses.

And not just any horse. He's specifically a fan of the Akhal-Teke, which isn't in itself unusual. It's a beloved national symbol in Turkmenistan. But not only does he give Akhal-Tekes as gifts to other world leaders, he's written multiple books on horses, including The Horse, A Symbol of Faithfulness and Happiness, The Flight of the Celestial-Raced Horses, and Ahal Teke, Our Pride and Glory. Until recently, an official English language copy of that book was actually available on Amazon, but unfortunately, there was only 1 copy.

And it appears that someone bought it, shipped it to New York, and put it under my desk.

Speaker 5: Because... Would you

Speaker 0: like to hear my favorite passage from this book? Because it's this, and I quote, "...witnesses never wearied of being astonished by the steed and human intercourse brought to full perfection." Which I'm hoping is a mistranslation, but probably isn't, because Berdymukhamadov has involved himself in all stages of the horse life cycle. A few years ago, he awarded himself the title, the People's Horse Breeder. He's also made it illegal to change an Axel Teke's horse's name during its lifetime. And a few years ago, issued a presidential decree instituting a tradition of beauty contests for horses.

Which is definitely odd, but at the same time, you do have to admit, the Ajalteke is a beautiful horse. I mean, that's a super fuckable horse right there. I'm not saying that I would fuck that horse. I'm just saying that if I was a horse, I would fuck that horse. To be clear, me, John Oliver the human, would not fuck that horse.

But John Oliver the horse would definitely fuck that horse. That's not weird. I'd be a horse. Horses fuck other horses all the time. That's how they make new horses.

I guess what I'm saying is, if I was a horse, and you said to me, fuck, marry, kill, Mustang, Ahalteca, Clydesdale, no question in my horse mind, fuck the Ahalteca, marry the Mustang, send the Clydesdale to the glue factory. But again, only if I was a horse. Only if I was a horse. And look, admittedly, I've thought about this a lot, but definitely not as much as Gerben-Guli-Berdy-Makhamadov has. Amazingly, he reportedly owns more than 600 Akhal-Tekes, which is almost 10% of the world's total.

He owns a plurality of them. That is objectively too many horses. Imagine owning 10% of the world's total of anything, and I say this as the owner of 100 percent of Amazon's inventory of Akhal-Teke, our pride and glory. Now, earlier this year, someone actually gave Berdymukhamadov yet another 1 named Row Watch. And He was so excited that he wrote a poem about his new horse and read it on state TV, and this is real.

Speaker 2: You are the worship and memorabilia of ancestors. You are the passage of the past into tomorrow. Your neighing is the melody of heavens. Roach, you are the anthem of my heart.

Speaker 0: Wait. Just wait. Your name is the melody of heavens? Writing a fuck sonnet about a horse is weird. It strongly suggests that he'd like to have sex with that horse, but writing a fucksonnet about a horse while sitting on a horse throne, among horse-accented cabinetry, complemented by a horse statue, horseshoe, and custom desk inlaid with gold horses, that strongly suggests that he actually already did.

-... The point is, President Equis here likes horses, but do horses like him? The answer, and this is a direct quote, is nay. And don't just take that from me. Don't take that from me.

Look at Roach's expression there. That's not so much an expression as a physical manifestation of the phrase, -"I can't even." -$HONKING And this isn't even the first time a horse has seemed to have an issue with Bernie McCamadove. Just watch what happened when he participated in a horse race in 2013. And before I show you this, I should say 2 things. First, remember, he runs a country where activists are disappeared in the prison system, and which has hit the bottom of a number of human rights indexes.

And second, the horse you're about to see was fine here. It was fine. So, with those 2 things in mind, watch this. -♪ -♪ Again, the horse is alive and well.

Speaker 1: I can prove it to you.

Speaker 0: Here he is doing doughnuts around a fire pit. You have to be alive

Speaker 5: to do that. Case closed.

Speaker 0: Now, now, now, interestingly, when that race aired on TV in Turkmenistan, the footage cut off a split second before his fall. So, Berdymukhamedov really didn't want people to see that footage. Specifically, this footage. -♪ I'm a man of my word, yeah! I am

Speaker 1: a man of my word! ♪ -♪ I'm a man of my word, yeah! I am a man of my word!

Speaker 0: Exactly. That's the footage that he really didn't want people to see. In fact, he was so concerned that people might see it. Journalists were apparently asked to erase all pictures and footage taken of the incident. And at the airport, officials conducted extra checks for flash sticks and camera memory disks for any traces of the video.

And look, I'm not gonna show you that same video again. I mean, why would I when I can instead show you a closer angle of the exact same incident? -♪ I'm a

Speaker 1: man of my word, I'm a man of my word ♪ -♪ I'm a man of my word, I'm a man of my word

Speaker 0: ♪ Again, the horse is fine, and, this is true, A hero. So, so, so to summarize here, Turkmenistan's authoritarian president is a strongman slash DJ with a creepy, unreciprocated affection for horses. And that is where this story ends. Or, at least, it was going to, until we learned about 1 last bizarre obsession of his. And in the words of Turkman Airport officials inspecting the luggage of foreign journalists, we are going to have to unpack it.

Speaker 6: The president has a childlike obsession with collecting Guinness World records. Ashgabat holds the record for highest density of buildings with white marble cladding. This tower won a world record for largest architectural image of a star. Again, a Guinness record for the hotly contested title of world's largest indoor Ferris wheel.

Speaker 0: Okay. All right. First of all, the only thing worse than a Ferris wheel is an indoor Ferris wheel. And second, the highest density of buildings with white marble cladding is just a pointless record. I get he clearly has an obsession with marble.

The man even built a statue of himself on a golden horse atop a massive white marble cliff. But at some point, a record is so bizarrely specific, it ceases to be impressive. Like, largest bowl of goulash eaten while watching Frasier. Or, world's tallest Ansel Elgort. Also, incidentally, the world's smallest Ansel Elgort.

But the point is, during his tenure as president, Turkmenistan has aggressively set a number of Guinness records, including the world's highest number of fountain pools in a public space, the world's longest single-line bicycle parade, the world's largest horse head statue, of course, and the world's largest cycling awareness lesson. We actually found footage of him setting that record, and he seemed pretty psyched about his achievement.

Speaker 2: I would like to express my special appreciation to a representative of the Guinness Record Book for a certificate for the largest cycling awareness lesson. This respected award is another 1 into the collection of our country's Guinness records.

Speaker 0: -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ Okay, okay, so... First of all, a cycling awareness lesson seems entirely unnecessary. Cycling is what you do when you want to lose a gunfight as slowly and as inaccurately as possible. Who isn't aware of that by this point? But here is where the story is actually gonna shift away from Turkmenistan for a minute, although I promise we will be back.

Because at this point, we started wondering, what is an official from Guinness World Records doing in 1 of the most repressive countries on Earth, certifying records for an autocrat? Because this is supposed to be the fun-loving company that certifies quirky records like, and these are real, most apples held in the mouth and cut by a chainsaw in 1 minute, or oldest male stripper. It's supposed to be fun. But when we started looking into it, we discovered that in the last few years, a big chunk of Guinness World Records income now comes from helping companies and other clients invent and break new records to get publicity. Things like working with General Mills to set the record for world's longest line of tacos.

Basically, they can help design an event and even send an official adjudicator, like the 1 you just saw, to award the record on the spot. But that doesn't come cheap. For a full-service event, They reportedly charge anywhere from 12,000 to over half a million dollars. And you might think, okay, but who gives a shit? I'm not a nine-year-old waiting to testify in family court.

Why do I care about the Guinness Book of World Records. But... But the thing is, it's not just companies. They also work with authoritarian governments, and Berdymukhamadov isn't the only 1. Guinness World Records has also sent adjudicators to Saudi Arabia to certify records like their world's largest flagpole, and has repeatedly worked with the Dubai police force, helping them break 11 records, among them, most consecutive formations formed by unmanned aerial vehicles.

And if you're wondering what that even means, here is what it looked like. MUSIC PLAYING

Speaker 1: LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK. All right. All right.

Speaker 0: All right. First, I would argue he could be slightly more impressed by that drone constellation of his own face. Although I will say this, that might actually be the single most ethically defensible use of drones in the Middle East. The whole point we're making here is, authoritarians love getting Guinness World Records, and you can see why. They reinforce a cult of personality and confer a sense of legitimacy on a global stage.

Which brings us back to Gerben Guli, Berdy Makhamadov, because he absolutely loves them. So, if you wanted to hurt him, that'd actually be his weak point. The only question is, if you wanted to embarrass this particular human rights abusing horse fucker, what record would hurt him the most? I mean, it'd have to involve some of his favorite things, wouldn't it? Like horses and white marble.

And also include a humiliating moment that he didn't want people to know about. So, hypothetically, if you could make the world's largest marble cake featuring the image of him falling off a horse, that would check all of the boxes there, right? I mean, of course, it wouldn't be easy, would it? The current record for largest marble cake is around 160 square feet. Set by Betty Crocker in where else but Saudi Arabia.

Also, you'd ideally want an official adjudicator to come and certify the cake immediately. And unfortunately, here is where I do have some bad news. Because we actually planned to bake a 600-square-foot cake that would make Betty Crocker's look like a fucking mouse twinkie. But... But when we reached out to Guinness World Records and we asked them to send someone, they declined, saying, and I quote, Unfortunately, because our brand is aligned with kids and families, this record attempt is not 1 that we will be able to provide an adjudicator for.

Which is, yeah, it's a real shame. I guess we just don't run a brutal enough dictatorship to meet Guinness World Records' high ethical standards. Although... Although they... They did say that if we fully documented making the cake, they might certify us after the fact.

Unfortunately, they wanted us to sign an agreement that could have prevented us from criticizing them in this story, which is clearly ridiculous. But then it hit us. We don't need Guinness World Records to make a world record-sized cake. And if we did, not only would we be annoying an authoritarian leader, we'd also now be annoying these guys. So, so, did we bake it?

I mean, I guess I really only have 2 questions for you at this 0.1, are you ready to make history? And 2, who wants some fucking cake? Because,

Speaker 5: behold, this monstrous folly. I told you things were gonna get weird tonight, didn't I? Admit it, when I said earlier, our main story concerns Turkmenistan, you did not expect the show to end 20 minutes later with me standing next to the world's largest marble cake depicting a guy falling off a horse. Yet here we are, I have some good news, Everyone in this audience is going to get some cake to take home tonight. And the rest of this magnificent frosted beast will be donated to City Harvest.

We did it, guys. We did it. CHEERING We did it!

Speaker 0: Clap for me, cyclists! Clap for me now! That's our show.

Speaker 5: Thank you so much for watching.

Speaker 0: See you next week. Good night!

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Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)