- John Oliver discusses SantaCon, a day-long pub crawl where people dress up as Santa and get drunk.
- He criticizes the event for its excessive drinking, crude behavior, and negative impact on small children.
- He mentions the arrests and injuries that occurred during SantaCon in Hoboken, New Jersey.
- John Oliver shares a personal experience of witnessing a sexual act between two Santas in a store aisle.
- He acknowledges that some SantaCons donate to charity, but points out that the amount raised per participant is relatively low.
- He suggests that this year's SantaCon should be the last, as it is not in line with the magic of Christmas.
- John Oliver mentions that even the original organizers of SantaCon are now tired of it and staged a funeral for the event in 2014.
- He concludes with a humorous Christmas-themed poem calling for the end of SantaCon.

The holiday season brings with it a host of annual traditions. John Oliver discusses one of the worst.

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I'm John Oliver, host of Last Week Tonight.

Now, we are off at the moment, but as it's holiday season, I'd actually like to talk to you about something that may be about to happen where you live, and that is SantaCon.

It's the manufactured event that I believe is short for Santa Condoleezza Rice.

Not a lot better, to be honest, but slightly better.

Now, if you do not know what SantaCon is, first of all, congratulations.

But I'm afraid that your innocence is about to be shattered.

SantaCon is essentially a day-long pub crawl organized in various cities where thousands of people can dress up as Santa and get hammered.

Now, however fun and whimsical it may sound, it isn't.

-♪ ♪ -♪ Just listen to this man, and bear in mind, he's talking about Santas here.

They drink, and they get drunk, and they behave terrible.

Too much alcohol has led to fights and a lot of complaints about crude and lewd behavior.

It's a terrifying combination of binge drinking, public urination, and trauma to small children that Decatur Therapy will never manage to reverse.

Last year, there were 14 people arrested and 4 officers injured during SantaCon in Hoboken, New Jersey alone.

Arrested doing SantaCon in Hoboken, New Jersey.

That might be literally the saddest sentence in existence.

It is way worse than for sale baby shoes never worn.

Because at least that baby was just dead and not arrested in a Santa outfit in a repeat Hoboken, New Jersey.

And you need to know, it's not just violence.

-♪ I'm a woman, I'm a woman, I'm a woman, I'm a woman...

♪ -♪ I'm a woman, I'm a woman, I'm a woman...

And look, not to victim blame here, but you were in aisle 4, the most erotic of the Duane Reade aisles.

That's canned goods and baby care, powders and chowders, and an exotic fuck palace devoted to the pleasures of the flesh.

Now, I should mention, SantaCon does have a bright side in that many local SantaCons donate to charity.

In New York City, participants can even buy a ticket that is tax deductible, which might be literally the most humiliating tax deduction after a contribution to the Church of Scientology.

And look, look, nearly any charitable donation is good, but I will point out, according to the website for New York's SantaCon, the amount they've raised over the past 9 years is $450,000, which sounds like a lot.

Yes, until you realize that works out to around $50,000 a year from an event that reportedly attracts around 30,000 participants.

Meaning, if you do some rough math, they're raising just over $1.60 per person.

Which is about as much as you could raise just by collecting the spare change that falls out of the pockets of all the Santas fucking each other in the middle of Duane Reade's.

-...(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CLAPS IN DISGUST.) This...

This year is actually the 21st anniversary of New York SantaCon.

Ironically, it's technically old enough to drink now.

And I would argue that this SantaCon should probably be the last, because the magic of Christmas should simply not include having to watch Santa finger-blasting an elf in a Wells Fargo ATM Vestibule at 10.45 a.m.

Even the people who started SantaCon are now sick of it.

In 2014, some of the original organizers staged a funeral for SantaCon at the same time as the event.

It is time to put an end to this madness that is about to befall us.

Or to put it in another, perhaps more Christmassy way.

-♪♪♪♪ "'Twas the night before SantaCon, and all through the city, The bars were preparing for Santas who are shitty.

-♪♪ The children were nestled as though nothing was wrong, not knowing tomorrow they'd see Santa's dong.

-♪♪ When what to my wondering eyes should appear but the actual Santa without any beer.

He gave me a look and pulled out a stocking to wipe tears from his eyes and then said something shocking.

He said, I'm not usually the judgmental type.

After all, what do you think I smoke in this pipe?

As sure as I am that my red sleigh flies, this should be the year that Santa Con dies.

Santa then left, disappeared in the sky with his sleigh, full of presents and a gleam in his eye.

But I heard him exclaim, and he drove out of sight.


Speaker 0: -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ Hi there, Internet. I'm John Oliver, host of Last Week Tonight. Now, we are off at the moment, but as it's holiday season, I'd actually like to talk to you about something that may be about to happen where you live, and that is SantaCon. It's the manufactured event that I believe is short for Santa Condoleezza Rice. She...

She deserves a better legacy than that. Not a lot better, to be honest, but slightly better. Now, if you do not know what SantaCon is, first of all, congratulations. But I'm afraid that your innocence is about to be shattered. SantaCon is essentially a day-long pub crawl organized in various cities where thousands of people can dress up as Santa and get hammered.

Now, however fun and whimsical it may sound, it isn't. It is not that. -♪ ♪ -♪ Just listen to this man, and bear in mind, he's talking about Santas here.

Speaker 1: They act very crazy, ridiculous. They drink, and they get drunk, and they behave terrible. Too much alcohol has led to fights and a lot of complaints about crude and lewd behavior.

Speaker 0: Yeah. That is what SantaCon is. It's not a magical occasion. It's a terrifying combination of binge drinking, public urination, and trauma to small children that Decatur Therapy will never manage to reverse. Here is how bad it is.

Last year, there were 14 people arrested and 4 officers injured during SantaCon in Hoboken, New Jersey alone. Just think about that. Arrested doing SantaCon in Hoboken, New Jersey. That might be literally the saddest sentence in existence. It is way worse than for sale baby shoes never worn.

Because at least that baby was just dead and not arrested in a Santa outfit in a repeat Hoboken, New Jersey. And you need to know, it's not just violence. I was in Duane Reade on 14th and 3rd. Aisle 4, I'll never forget. I saw an exquisite sex act in the aisle.

2 Santas going at it. Look... -♪ I'm a woman, I'm a woman, I'm a woman, I'm a woman... ♪ -♪ I'm a woman, I'm a woman, I'm a woman... ♪ Look, I am...

I'm truly sorry that you saw that. And look, not to victim blame here, but you were in aisle 4, the most erotic of the Duane Reade aisles. That's canned goods and baby care, powders and chowders, and an exotic fuck palace devoted to the pleasures of the flesh. Everybody knows that. I'll fall for life, son.

Now... Now... Now, I should mention, SantaCon does have a bright side in that many local SantaCons donate to charity. In New York City, participants can even buy a ticket that is tax deductible, which might be literally the most humiliating tax deduction after a contribution to the Church of Scientology. Where's Shelly, David?

Where is she? -♪ Where is she? -♪ Where is Shelly? And look, look, nearly any charitable donation is good, but I will point out, according to the website for New York's SantaCon, the amount they've raised over the past 9 years is $450,000, which sounds like a lot. Yes, until you realize that works out to around $50,000 a year from an event that reportedly attracts around 30,000 participants.

Meaning, if you do some rough math, they're raising just over $1.60 per person. Which is about as much as you could raise just by collecting the spare change that falls out of the pockets of all the Santas fucking each other in the middle of Duane Reade's. -...(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CLAPS IN DISGUST.) This... It happens! This...

This year is actually the 21st anniversary of New York SantaCon. Ironically, it's technically old enough to drink now. And I would argue that this SantaCon should probably be the last, because the magic of Christmas should simply not include having to watch Santa finger-blasting an elf in a Wells Fargo ATM Vestibule at 10.45 a.m. A.M. And I'm not alone here.

Even the people who started SantaCon are now sick of it. In 2014, some of the original organizers staged a funeral for SantaCon at the same time as the event. It is time to put an end to this madness that is about to befall us. Or to put it in another, perhaps more Christmassy way. Ahem.

Ahem. -♪♪♪♪ "'Twas the night before SantaCon, and all through the city, The bars were preparing for Santas who are shitty. -♪♪ The children were nestled as though nothing was wrong, not knowing tomorrow they'd see Santa's dong. -♪♪ When what to my wondering eyes should appear but the actual Santa without any beer. He gave me a look and pulled out a stocking to wipe tears from his eyes and then said something shocking.

He said, I'm not usually the judgmental type. After all, what do you think I smoke in this pipe? But... As sure as I am that my red sleigh flies, this should be the year that Santa Con dies. Santa then left, disappeared in the sky with his sleigh, full of presents and a gleam in his eye.

But I heard him exclaim, and he drove out of sight.

Speaker 1: Ho, ho, ho! Fuck Santa Con to all! And to all a good night!

Speaker 0: Listen to him! Goodbye, Santa! You heard the man. Thank you so much for watching. We are back next February.

Happy holidays! Goodbye! -♪♪

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SantaCon: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (Web Exclusive)