- The main story is about the role of sheriffs in law enforcement.
- Sheriffs are elected and have a lot of power, including setting law enforcement priorities.
- Some sheriffs have progressive ideas, like deprioritizing low-level drug offenses.
- However, some sheriffs prioritize certain issues to the detriment of others, such as immigration enforcement over investigating sexual assault.
- Sheriffs also operate local jails and have discretion over how they are run.
- Some sheriffs have been accused of skimping on inmate food and pocketing the leftover money.
- There have been instances of bad jail conditions, including inmate deaths and mistreatment of female inmates.

- The video discusses the problem of sheriffs operating with impunity and the lack of accountability in their positions.
- It highlights instances of sheriffs behaving inappropriately and abusing their power.
- The difficulty of removing sheriffs from office is mentioned, as it typically requires a criminal conviction, intervention from the state government, or a recall vote.
- The lack of attention and competition in sheriff elections is addressed, with many races being unopposed.
- The importance of paying attention to sheriff races and holding them accountable is emphasized.
- The criminal justice reform movement is mentioned as a force that is increasingly focusing on sheriffs' races.
- The video concludes by urging viewers to research and learn about their local sheriffs and to be aware of their actions and behavior.

With over a thousand sheriffs up for election this year, John Oliver discusses how much power – and how little accountability – they have.

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-♪ ♪ -♪ -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ -♪ Our main story tonight concerns law enforcement, and specifically the job of sheriff.

That's not to be confused with sheriff, the proper way to describe Cher, dressed like a cowgirl.

Now, when you hear the word sheriff, most of us have 2 immediate associations.

1, a Western lawman who handled cattle rustling and other livestock-related crimes.

And 2, Joe Arpaio, the infamously anti-immigrant sheriff.

And this next clip actually includes both, as Sheriff Joe gives an update on a suspect nabbed through an interesting investigation.

Finally, he decided, that he wanted to travel to, Phoenix, to meet our undercover, agent, and to have sex, with his horse.

Now, yeah, that sounds truly bizarre until you realize that the horse in question was this 1.

I mean, I'm not saying I want to fuck a horse or anything, but if you are gonna fuck a horse, it should definitely be this 1.

Now, would I travel to Phoenix to fuck that horse?

If it's a $300 round trip, of course not.

But if it's $170 or something like that, and the hot daddy horse seemed open to it, well, definitely.

My wife and I have a list of 5 people that we're allowed to have sex with.

Hers are all completely understandable, handsome, kind men, and mine are that horse 5 times.

So, it seems kind of ideal as a situation.

There are actually more than 3,000 of them around the country, and generally speaking, they run law enforcement at a county level.

Cities or towns might have their own police departments as well, but in many areas, sheriffs are the only law enforcement around, and they oversee a lot of offices.

Around 25 percent of local law enforcement officers work for sheriffs.

And depending on where you live, your sheriff might be good, bad, or a total weirdo.

And I will not say which ones are the weirdos, because that would be unfair to Kenny Boone, who, until recently, was sheriff in Florence County, South Carolina, where he made this incredible PSA.

Please, please talk to your kids about drugs.

I want 900 more versions of that PSA where Kenny Boone implores us to talk to our kids about other things.

People, I'm begging you, talk to your kids about pugs.

Now, the role of sheriff is a unique position because sheriffs are actually elected, which means they often produce campaign ads.

In fact, last year, a candidate in South Carolina produced a frankly unforgettable ad.

Now, you're about to think that you know where this is going, but you're actually gonna need to brace yourself for a hard turn.

I want to tell you at the start of my campaign some things that politicians would try to hide.

Things my opponents may try to use to tarnish my integrity.

As a 16-year-old, I received a ticket for not having my driver's license in my possession.

I've been in fender benders that were my fault.

And about 10 years ago, as a young police officer, I attended a law enforcement Halloween party dressed as ruthless drug kingpin, Big Meech Flannery.

I did it to disparage a criminal whose actions hurt our community and country.

For the record as well, the different time he's talking about was 10 years ago when blackface was still widely considered, and this is true, bad!

And once in office, sheriffs hold much more power than you may realize.

So with over a thousand sheriff elections this year, possibly where you live, we thought tonight might be a good time to take a look at this job.

And let's start with the fact that in most states, sheriff's duties are enshrined in the state constitution, meaning that their job description can have a certain old-timey flavor.

For instance, in many places, sheriffs can still technically form a posse, meaning that they can enlist volunteers to help with tasks ranging from providing security to pursuing fugitives.

And those posse members can be basically anyone, which is how this actual school shooting drill came to include an arguably famous face.

These men are learning how to fight the next school shooter.

And oddly enough, their coach is 1990s action film legend, Steven Seagal.

For every second that goes by, I told you that you could have dead children.

And watching Steven Seagal conduct an active shooter drill while discussing dead children is a lot like looking at a picture of Steven Seagal's current hair.

You immediately think to yourself, this is highly unusual and upsettingly dark.

Still, still, 1 of the greatest powers that sheriffs have is to set law enforcement priorities in their county.

And that in and of itself is not entirely a bad thing.

Some sheriffs have advanced genuinely progressive ideas, like deprioritizing low-level drug offenses, or in the case of 1 Texas sheriff, fighting hard for bail reform.

75% of our population on average, of the 8,300 that we have, is there simply because they're pretrial detainees, and many are just simply too poor to pay.

Many non-violent offenders, I think we need to find a way to make sure that they can stay with their families, be held accountable still, but no 1 can be held in jail simply because they're too poor to pay.

And hearing someone in uniform say that is genuinely weird, but, you know, a good weird.

Like eating a bacon donut, or seeing how dogs walk when they wear shoes for the first time.

And by the way, that sheriff is not just talk.

He implemented a cite and release program for low-level offenses, rather than booking people into jails, which is great.

But, obviously, sheriffs can also go hard the other way.

Sheriff Joe famously prioritized immigration enforcement to the detriment of other concerns like investigating sexual assault.

And Sheriff Richard Jones in Butler County, Ohio, has refused to allow his deputies to carry Narcan to rescue people mid-overdose, which is an incredible policy to adopt in a place where at 1 point, overdoses were killing more people than all other causes of death combined.

Jones has argued that it is unsafe for his officers to help revive people, but the more he talks, the less it seems that he thinks those people are actually worth reviving at all.

I'm not advocating that people die, but I'm not advocating that the police, this is their job.

And I understand people that say it's a disease.

I don't know that I believe it's a disease.

Some people will equate it like people that have cancer.

And I say it's not, People don't choose to have cancer.

And the people with cancer aren't stealing my air conditions and aren't stealing the copper out of people's houses and ripping the wires out.

Look, that is clearly offensive, and not just to those dealing with addiction, but to people with cancer.

You think that they don't have the ability to steal copper?

People with cancer can grip it, rip it, and strip it with the best metal thieves out there.

In fact, cancer patients have been some of the best five-finger copper shoppers that I personally know.

But perhaps the most significant duty of a sheriff is that in most places, they are the ones operating the local jail.

And they can have a ton of leeway over how to do that.

Up until just last year, In Alabama, sheriffs were legally allowed to personally pocket any leftover money designated to feed prisoners, giving them a pretty strong incentive to skimp on inmate food, which happened.

The most spectacular example of this was Sheriff Todd Entrecain of Edouard County.

Over the years, there have been accusations of problems with the quality and quantity of food in his jails.

And while he denied those allegations, 2 years ago, it emerged that he bought a $740,000 beach house.

And if that seems like a suspiciously large purchase for someone with his salary, this probably won't surprise you.

Over the last 3 years, the sheriff's food program has run under budget, letting him pocket the leftovers.

Do you agree that the optics of this are terrible?

I mean, I want to keep doing what I'm doing, though.

I just wish it would look better when I did it.

Try and picture me with sunglasses and a cool jacket.

And bad jail conditions obviously don't stop at food.

Take Sheriff Greg Ahern of Alameda County, California.

More than 40 inmates have died in his jails in the past 5 years.

And at least 29 female inmates have sued Ahern over conditions and treatment with allegations ranging from being put in a cell with feces and blood on the walls to a woman who says she screamed for hours as she gave birth alone in an isolation cell.

Now, the sheriff has defended his facilities and disputed those allegations, though not in a particularly convincing way.

When you hear people say there were species on the wall, blood everywhere, and tampons stuck everywhere, Does that make you angry?

the people that are in custody for murder, rape, robbery, who have lied their entire life, and they make things up habitually?

First, the 2 women who made those claims were not murderers or robbers.

They were actually in there on minor charges, all of which were dropped.

Second, even if they were murderers, they should still be treated humanely.

And third, how do you whiff on the question, there was feces on the wall, blood everywhere, does that make you angry?

That is 1 of the easier questions to answer well, like, is cake good?

And at this point, you may be wondering, how can sheriffs be reined in?

Well, the problem there is that that is actually very difficult.

While police chiefs can be hired or fired, removing a sheriff between elections is almost impossible.

It generally requires a criminal conviction, intervention from state government, or a recall vote, and those are very rarely successful.

So, sheriffs operate with a lot of impunity, and they can get pretty belligerent if anyone questions them.

Remember Kenny Boone, the sheriff who hated drugs, but loved yelling at fake child funerals?

Well, when the county finance director started asking questions about his spending, Boone did not take it well.

I don't know what your deal is, but you're noticeably suspicious, and now all of a sudden, you want to question things that I do?

I would give anything to hear the next voicemail he left for that guy.

Hey, Kenny again, ignore that last message.

I think you're a nerdy, dorky, insightful individual.

Now, you should know, we reached out to Kenny Boone's lawyer last week, and they said that they dispute the authenticity of that voicemail.

You know, the 1 where he says he's Kenny Boone.

-♪ ♪ -♪ While sounding exactly like Kenny Boone.

Now, ideally, we'd have discussed this difference of opinion with Kenny Boone himself, but he wasn't available, because fun fact, he's in jail right now.

He recently pleaded guilty to felony embezzlement, which actually reminds me, talk to your kids about felony embezzlement.

-♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ The point is, the point here is, too often, sheriffs are the law wherever they live.

And if you're wondering, well, I don't even know who my sheriff is, do I have a bad 1?

The very fact that you're asking that is kind of the problem here.

Because sheriff elections, like most down-ballot elections, do not receive nearly enough attention, and often, they aren't even competitive.

In 2018, 59 percent of all sheriff races were unopposed.

In fact, remember Sheriff Ahern, with the nightmarish-sounding jail?

He's been unopposed for the last 4 election cycles.

As for Sheriff Noh Narkan, unless someone steps up to challenge him, he will be unopposed when he runs for re-election later this year.

And look, running against an incumbent sheriff is not easy.

Their own employees are often loathe to take them on, fearing retributions, because as you have seen tonight, they're very powerful.

Thankfully, the same criminal justice reform movement that's been putting a spotlight on district attorneys' races is now increasingly focusing on sheriffs' races, too.

Because right now, we have a position that has a tremendous amount of authority with low accountability, which is always an inevitable recipe for disaster.

So if there is a sheriff's race in your area this year, now would be an excellent time to start Googling who the fuck is my sheriff, and learning about them.

Otherwise, you might well wind up seeing a campaign ad like this.

I'm Scott Wilkerson, candidate for sheriff.

It's been my honor to serve the people of this county, and I hope you'll re-elect me as your sheriff.

But before my campaign begins, I'd like to tell you some things other politicians might try to hide.

I have what my therapist calls a hair-trigger temper.

And as a younger man, I did work as a Hitler impersonator at birthday parties, quinceañeras, and 1 disastrous bat mitzvah.

I spent much of the 90s trying without success to assassinate that little dog from Frasier.

I have dabbled in what you'd call light cannibalism.

I've never seen a frog and not killed it.

In 2009, I contracted the H1N1 virus, better known as swine flu, and then drove to every Sizzler steakhouse in the state, licked my fingers and dipped them in the salad bar.

Whenever there's a computer in front of me, I go to the Wikipedia page for the Armenian genocide and just sort of tone it down a bit.

I came up with the idea for zucchini noodles.

In every single hotel room I have ever stayed in, I have licked the phone, ear part and mouth part.

I give black people different handshakes than I do white people, whether they want it or not.

That's, Oh, yeah, I also fucked this horse.

I think it's okay, because I traveled out of state to do it.

It wasn't like a local horse or anything.

I hope that with these confessions, I have earned your trust.

It's been an honor to serve you as sheriff for the past 42 years.

So vote Sheriff Wilkerson when you go to the polls on November 3rd, 2020.

It's not like you have a choice because I'm running unopposed, so.


Speaker 0: -♪ ♪ -♪ -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ -♪ Our main story tonight concerns law enforcement, and specifically the job of sheriff. That's not to be confused with sheriff, the proper way to describe Cher, dressed like a cowgirl. That's a sheriff. This is a sheriff. It's a key difference you need to learn.

Now, when you hear the word sheriff, most of us have 2 immediate associations. 1, a Western lawman who handled cattle rustling and other livestock-related crimes. And 2, Joe Arpaio, the infamously anti-immigrant sheriff. And this next clip actually includes both, as Sheriff Joe gives an update on a suspect nabbed through an interesting investigation.

Speaker 1: Finally, he decided, that he wanted to travel to, Phoenix, to meet our undercover, agent, and to have sex, with his horse.

Speaker 0: Yeah. Now, yeah, that sounds truly bizarre until you realize that the horse in question was this 1. So, you get it, right? I mean, I'm not saying I want to fuck a horse or anything, but if you are gonna fuck a horse, it should definitely be this 1. Now, would I travel to Phoenix to fuck that horse?

Well, it depends, doesn't it? How much are flights? If it's a $300 round trip, of course not. But if it's $170 or something like that, and the hot daddy horse seemed open to it, well, definitely. My wife and I have a list of 5 people that we're allowed to have sex with.

Hers are all completely understandable, handsome, kind men, and mine are that horse 5 times. So, it seems kind of ideal as a situation. Anyway, sheriffs. There are actually more than 3,000 of them around the country, and generally speaking, they run law enforcement at a county level. Cities or towns might have their own police departments as well, but in many areas, sheriffs are the only law enforcement around, and they oversee a lot of offices.

Around 25 percent of local law enforcement officers work for sheriffs. That's 1 in 4 cops. And depending on where you live, your sheriff might be good, bad, or a total weirdo. And I will not say which ones are the weirdos, because that would be unfair to Kenny Boone, who, until recently, was sheriff in Florence County, South Carolina, where he made this incredible PSA.

Speaker 2: They said 1 hit wouldn't hurt.

Speaker 0: ♪♪

Speaker 2: They said 1 hit wouldn't hurt.

Speaker 0: ♪♪

Speaker 1: They lied. I'm Sheriff Kenny Boone. Please, please talk to your kids about drugs.

Speaker 0: ♪

Speaker 1: Talk to your kids about drugs.

Speaker 0: What are you doing? That is so magnificently weird. I want 900 more versions of that PSA where Kenny Boone implores us to talk to our kids about other things. Talk to your kids about slugs. Please, talk to your kids about rugs.

People, I'm begging you, talk to your kids about pugs. They said 1 lick wouldn't hurt. They lied. Now, the role of sheriff is a unique position because sheriffs are actually elected, which means they often produce campaign ads. In fact, last year, a candidate in South Carolina produced a frankly unforgettable ad.

Now, you're about to think that you know where this is going, but you're actually gonna need to brace yourself for a hard turn.

Speaker 3: I want to tell you at the start of my campaign some things that politicians would try to hide. Things my opponents may try to use to tarnish my integrity. As a 16-year-old, I received a ticket for not having my driver's license in my possession. I've been in fender benders that were my fault. And about 10 years ago, as a young police officer, I attended a law enforcement Halloween party dressed as ruthless drug kingpin, Big Meech Flannery.

I did it to disparage a criminal whose actions hurt our community and country. That was a different time. -♪ Ooh...

Speaker 0: ♪

Speaker 2: -Wow!

Speaker 0: For the record as well, the different time he's talking about was 10 years ago when blackface was still widely considered, and this is true, bad! And once in office, sheriffs hold much more power than you may realize. So with over a thousand sheriff elections this year, possibly where you live, we thought tonight might be a good time to take a look at this job. And let's start with the fact that in most states, sheriff's duties are enshrined in the state constitution, meaning that their job description can have a certain old-timey flavor. For instance, in many places, sheriffs can still technically form a posse, meaning that they can enlist volunteers to help with tasks ranging from providing security to pursuing fugitives.

And those posse members can be basically anyone, which is how this actual school shooting drill came to include an arguably famous face.

Speaker 4: This is every parent's worst nightmare.

Speaker 0: Get on the ground!

Speaker 4: Get on the ground! Feet down! Get on the ground! These men are learning how to fight the next school shooter.

Speaker 3: You can't wait that long.

Speaker 4: And oddly enough, their coach is 1990s action film legend, Steven Seagal.

Speaker 3: For every second that goes by, I told you that you could have dead children.

Speaker 0: Yeah, that's Deputy Steven Seagal. And watching Steven Seagal conduct an active shooter drill while discussing dead children is a lot like looking at a picture of Steven Seagal's current hair. You immediately think to yourself, this is highly unusual and upsettingly dark. Still, still, 1 of the greatest powers that sheriffs have is to set law enforcement priorities in their county. And that in and of itself is not entirely a bad thing.

Some sheriffs have advanced genuinely progressive ideas, like deprioritizing low-level drug offenses, or in the case of 1 Texas sheriff, fighting hard for bail reform.

Speaker 5: 75% of our population on average, of the 8,300 that we have, is there simply because they're pretrial detainees, and many are just simply too poor to pay. Many non-violent offenders, I think we need to find a way to make sure that they can stay with their families, be held accountable still, but no 1 can be held in jail simply because they're too poor to pay.

Speaker 0: He's right. That's fantastic. He's absolutely right. And hearing someone in uniform say that is genuinely weird, but, you know, a good weird. Like eating a bacon donut, or seeing how dogs walk when they wear shoes for the first time.

Speaker 2: Come on, come on. Who keeps

Speaker 4: the ball?

Speaker 2: Come on, come on. Come on.

Speaker 4: Where are

Speaker 2: they going? Come on,

Speaker 0: come on. Yeah, exactly. Weird, but good. And by the way, that sheriff is not just talk. He implemented a cite and release program for low-level offenses, rather than booking people into jails, which is great.

But, obviously, sheriffs can also go hard the other way. Sheriff Joe famously prioritized immigration enforcement to the detriment of other concerns like investigating sexual assault. And Sheriff Richard Jones in Butler County, Ohio, has refused to allow his deputies to carry Narcan to rescue people mid-overdose, which is an incredible policy to adopt in a place where at 1 point, overdoses were killing more people than all other causes of death combined. Jones has argued that it is unsafe for his officers to help revive people, but the more he talks, the less it seems that he thinks those people are actually worth reviving at all.

Speaker 6: I'm not advocating that people die, but I'm not advocating that the police, this is their job. And I understand people that say it's a disease. I don't know that I believe it's a disease. Some people will equate it like people that have cancer. And I say it's not, People don't choose to have cancer.

And the people with cancer aren't stealing my air conditions and aren't stealing the copper out of people's houses and ripping the wires out.

Speaker 0: Look, that is clearly offensive, and not just to those dealing with addiction, but to people with cancer. You think that they don't have the ability to steal copper? People with cancer can grip it, rip it, and strip it with the best metal thieves out there. In fact, cancer patients have been some of the best five-finger copper shoppers that I personally know. But perhaps the most significant duty of a sheriff is that in most places, they are the ones operating the local jail.

And they can have a ton of leeway over how to do that. Up until just last year, In Alabama, sheriffs were legally allowed to personally pocket any leftover money designated to feed prisoners, giving them a pretty strong incentive to skimp on inmate food, which happened. The most spectacular example of this was Sheriff Todd Entrecain of Edouard County. Over the years, there have been accusations of problems with the quality and quantity of food in his jails. And while he denied those allegations, 2 years ago, it emerged that he bought a $740,000 beach house.

And if that seems like a suspiciously large purchase for someone with his salary, this probably won't surprise you.

Speaker 7: Over the last 3 years, the sheriff's food program has run under budget, letting him pocket the leftovers. $750,000, all of it taxpayer money. Do you agree that the optics of this are terrible?

Speaker 0: The optics, yes. But I can't change the optics. Oh, yeah. I'd love for the optics to change here. I mean, I want to keep doing what I'm doing, though.

I just wish it would look better when I did it. Try and picture me with sunglasses and a cool jacket. Are the optics better now? I like these better. And bad jail conditions obviously don't stop at food.

Take Sheriff Greg Ahern of Alameda County, California. More than 40 inmates have died in his jails in the past 5 years. And at least 29 female inmates have sued Ahern over conditions and treatment with allegations ranging from being put in a cell with feces and blood on the walls to a woman who says she screamed for hours as she gave birth alone in an isolation cell. Now, the sheriff has defended his facilities and disputed those allegations, though not in a particularly convincing way.

Speaker 2: When you hear people say there were species on the wall, blood everywhere, and tampons stuck everywhere, Does that make you angry? You mean

Speaker 8: the people that are in custody for murder, rape, robbery, who have lied their entire life, and they make things up habitually?

Speaker 0: Okay, hold on, hold on. First, the 2 women who made those claims were not murderers or robbers. They were actually in there on minor charges, all of which were dropped. Second, even if they were murderers, they should still be treated humanely. And third, how do you whiff on the question, there was feces on the wall, blood everywhere, does that make you angry?

That is 1 of the easier questions to answer well, like, is cake good? Or is this a fuckable horse? The answer is yes. It's obviously yes, right? Look at me.

Yes. And at this point, you may be wondering, how can sheriffs be reined in? Well, the problem there is that that is actually very difficult. While police chiefs can be hired or fired, removing a sheriff between elections is almost impossible. It generally requires a criminal conviction, intervention from state government, or a recall vote, and those are very rarely successful.

So, sheriffs operate with a lot of impunity, and they can get pretty belligerent if anyone questions them. Remember Kenny Boone, the sheriff who hated drugs, but loved yelling at fake child funerals? Well, when the county finance director started asking questions about his spending, Boone did not take it well.

Speaker 9: Kevin, Kenny Boone again. I don't know what your deal is, but you're noticeably suspicious, and now all of a sudden, you want to question things that I do? You little nerdy, intelligent bastard. I'm paying payback from the head. I promise you.

Thank you.

Speaker 0: Yes! Yes, Kenny, that's fantastic! I would give anything to hear the next voicemail he left for that guy. Hey, Kenny again, ignore that last message. I just wanted to say you're a bastard.

I don't think you're intelligent. I think you're a nerdy, dorky, insightful individual. Damn it, I blew it again! Ignore this cartoon, speak to you soon. Talk to your kids about drugs.

Love you, bye. God Damn it, Kenny! Now, you should know, we reached out to Kenny Boone's lawyer last week, and they said that they dispute the authenticity of that voicemail. You know, the 1 where he says he's Kenny Boone. -♪ ♪ -♪ While sounding exactly like Kenny Boone.

Now, ideally, we'd have discussed this difference of opinion with Kenny Boone himself, but he wasn't available, because fun fact, he's in jail right now. He recently pleaded guilty to felony embezzlement, which actually reminds me, talk to your kids about felony embezzlement. -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ The point is, the point here is, too often, sheriffs are the law wherever they live. And if you're wondering, well, I don't even know who my sheriff is, do I have a bad 1? The very fact that you're asking that is kind of the problem here.

Because sheriff elections, like most down-ballot elections, do not receive nearly enough attention, and often, they aren't even competitive. In 2018, 59 percent of all sheriff races were unopposed. In fact, remember Sheriff Ahern, with the nightmarish-sounding jail? He's been unopposed for the last 4 election cycles. As for Sheriff Noh Narkan, unless someone steps up to challenge him, he will be unopposed when he runs for re-election later this year.

And look, running against an incumbent sheriff is not easy. Their own employees are often loathe to take them on, fearing retributions, because as you have seen tonight, they're very powerful. But that cannot be allowed to continue. Thankfully, the same criminal justice reform movement that's been putting a spotlight on district attorneys' races is now increasingly focusing on sheriffs' races, too. And that is not a moment too soon.

Because right now, we have a position that has a tremendous amount of authority with low accountability, which is always an inevitable recipe for disaster. So if there is a sheriff's race in your area this year, now would be an excellent time to start Googling who the fuck is my sheriff, and learning about them. Otherwise, you might well wind up seeing a campaign ad like this.

Speaker 7: Hi. I'm Scott Wilkerson, candidate for sheriff. It's been my honor to serve the people of this county, and I hope you'll re-elect me as your sheriff. But before my campaign begins, I'd like to tell you some things other politicians might try to hide. I drink a lot.

I often drive while drunk. I have what my therapist calls a hair-trigger temper. I don't like your attitude! And as a younger man, I did work as a Hitler impersonator at birthday parties, quinceañeras, and 1 disastrous bat mitzvah. It was a different time.

But that's not all. I spent much of the 90s trying without success to assassinate that little dog from Frasier. I have dabbled in what you'd call light cannibalism. I've never seen a frog and not killed it. In 2009, I contracted the H1N1 virus, better known as swine flu, and then drove to every Sizzler steakhouse in the state, licked my fingers and dipped them in the salad bar.

Why did I do this? Well, I love Sizzler. But beyond that I do not know. I cannot tell you why. Whenever there's a computer in front of me, I go to the Wikipedia page for the Armenian genocide and just sort of tone it down a bit.

I don't think it didn't happen. I just think people are exaggerating. I came up with the idea for zucchini noodles. In every single hotel room I have ever stayed in, I have licked the phone, ear part and mouth part. That's both parts.

I give black people different handshakes than I do white people, whether they want it or not. What else? That's, Oh, yeah, I also fucked this horse. I think it's okay, because I traveled out of state to do it. It wasn't like a local horse or anything.

I hope that with these confessions, I have earned your trust. It's been an honor to serve you as sheriff for the past 42 years. So vote Sheriff Wilkerson when you go to the polls on November 3rd, 2020. It's not like you have a choice because I'm running unopposed, so. See you on the streets, shitheads.

I'm dangerous!

Speaker 0: -♪♪

Speaker 2: You

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