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Speaker 1

00:15

♪♪ Hello there. Well, well, well. This is weird, isn't it? This is definitely weird.

Speaker 1

00:34

Look, as you can clearly tell, this is not going to be our usual show this week. For a start, there is no audience, and also, we're not even in our usual studio. Partly because We do like to shake things up a bit now and then, whenever we can. And also partly because our actual studio might be full of coronavirus.

Speaker 1

00:53

I'm actually serious about that. Both the place where we normally tape on Sunday and our office building had confirmed cases of coronavirus this week. So our staff has been working from home, and we're currently taping this somewhere else with a very limited crew on this white void set. It kind of looks like the place movie characters go when they've just died, or where they shot the Cars for Kids commercial.

Speaker 1

01:19

Very much, by the way, the coronavirus of commercials, in that it is horrifically infectious and ruins people's lives. Now, obviously, We're not the only ones who've had to make big adjustments to our lives, because this was the week that the coronavirus, for many people here in the U.S., seemed to go from an abstraction to a very real threat. And maybe the best sign of just how fast it all happened came, as it always seems to, from Rudy Gobert of the Utah Jazz.

Speaker 2

01:51

The Utah Jazz basketball team will be quarantined here in Oklahoma City for the foreseeable future. That, according to ESPN. Before the game, Rudy Gobert spoke to the Utah media, joking about possibly being sick, and then did this, making a point to touch every microphone and recorder.

Speaker 2

02:10

Hours later, we got the news that he tests positive for the coronavirus.

Speaker 1

02:15

Yeah, of course he fucking did. Nice work there, Rudy. Look, I would say that that feels too stupid to actually be real, but let's try and remember that this is also the timeline in which the official White House Twitter account once tweeted, "'First snow of the year' on a 63-degree day," on which, and this is true, it did not snow.

Speaker 1

02:35

So, honestly, in many ways, what Rudy Gobert did was actually just stupid enough. Now, that happened on Monday, and things just spiraled from there. America's major sports were suspended, as was hockey. March Madness was canceled.

Speaker 1

02:51

And as if that weren't enough, Rita Wilson and her husband Tom, hashtag feminism, announced that they had tested positive for the coronavirus. We've also learned political figures from all over have tested positive too, including an Iranian vice president, a UK health minister, and the mayor of Miami. And that is just at the time that we are taping this. We are clearly in the midst of a rapidly escalating outbreak.

Speaker 1

03:17

And it's very difficult to say exactly where things stand. Especially because, despite Trump repeatedly claiming otherwise, tests for this virus are still not available in most places to those who need them. Which means that we can't yet properly track the virus or know how quickly it is spreading. And that is not only catastrophic, because we're having to fly blind in fighting this pandemic, it's also deeply frustrating, especially when you see how quickly other countries, like South Korea, ramped up their testing capabilities.

Speaker 1

03:51

And that is part of the reason why it was actually genuinely refreshing to hear the top U.S. Official on infectious diseases, Dr. Anthony Fauci, say this on Thursday about our current testing system.

Speaker 3

04:02

The system does not... Is not really geared to what we need right now. That is a failing.

Speaker 1

04:10

And a failing, yes.

Speaker 3

04:12

It is a failing, let's admit it. The idea of anybody getting it easily, the way people in other country are doing it, we're not set up for that. Do I think we should be?

Speaker 3

04:22

Yes, but we're not.

Speaker 1

04:24

No, we are not. And incidentally, if you find yourself really appreciating how calm, knowledgeable, and thorough Fauci is. You're frankly not alone on that.

Speaker 1

04:34

He's been a rare source of clarity in the Trump administration's response. And you should know, he is the nation's leading infectious disease expert. Now, is he my favorite infectious disease expert? No, of course he isn't, because that would be Salvador Matza.

Speaker 1

04:49

And it is amazing that for a man who studied infectious diseases his whole life, the only thing he ever came down with was a deadly case of bedroom eyes. Salvador, stop it! And look, Fauci is in a tough position right now. He has to balance the task of communicating real, honest science with this administration's aversion to every single 1 of those words.

Speaker 1

05:14

But so far, he seems to be doing a good job. The same, unfortunately, cannot be said about Trump, who attempted to reassure the nation with a sedated Oval Office speech on Wednesday, which was a complete mess. Despite the fact he was reading from a prepared statement, he managed to mistakenly claim that imports from Europe were being cut off, which they were not, that insurers would waive co-pays not just for testing, but for treatment, which at present, they won't. And he seemed to imply that Americans in Europe could not get back into the country, which they can.

Speaker 1

05:47

And even he didn't seem entirely satisfied with his performance, because the moment the speech was over, this was his actual reaction.

Speaker 3

05:55

We're clear. Okay. Okay.

Speaker 1

06:01

Yup! And that is the... Okay! Of a man who has just completed yet another substandard job after refusing to put in even the slightest bit of effort.

Speaker 1

06:12

She knows what I'm talking about. She definitely knows what I'm talking about. This joke is landing so hard with her right now. And for the following days, Trump seemed to be doing his very best to try and minimize the impact of this crisis.

Speaker 1

06:28

Often with a particular focus on shoring up the stock market, a dynamic perhaps best encapsulated by this exchange with a reporter.

Speaker 4

06:36

The market's going to be

Speaker 5

06:37

just fine. Just fine.

Speaker 2

06:38

Why do you say that? They're tanking.

Speaker 1

06:41

Okay, here's the thing. I hate it when the president lies as much as the next guy, but why would you ask him, why do you say that? Because the answer to that is always, it's just what he does.

Speaker 1

06:53

Asking Trump why he says things are fine when they're obviously not is like asking the wind why it whispers. Or why the old redwood tree grows so tall. Or why this corgi is so thick? That's just nature, baby.

Speaker 1

07:07

It is what it is. But again, nothing is fine here. The president's response has sadly been characterized by disorganization and lies. And the all-time low, so far, came in his Rose Garden press conference on Friday.

Speaker 1

07:24

If you saw news coverage after the fact, you may have seen that he declared a national emergency, which is good. And if that's all you saw of the press conference, you might have been reassured. But, if you watched the whole event, there was a lot there that was pretty concerning. Because Trump also, inexplicably, felt it important to bring up a series of CEOs whose companies were promising to help increase our testing capability, and who, for the record, absolutely did not need to be there, especially because for some reason, Trump defied every public health protocol by shaking their hands, patting their backs, and touching the microphone at least 31 times.

Speaker 1

08:02

Despite the fact he'd been exposed to people with the virus himself last weekend at Mar-a-Lago, where a growing number of guests have since tested positive. Which, by the way, is the rare instance of the word positive being associated with any experience at Mar-a-Lago. But perhaps the most emblematic response was when he was asked about the country's disastrous lag in testing and said, I don't take responsibility at all, and then had this exchange with a reporter.

Speaker 6

08:32

You said that you don't take responsibility, but you did disband the White House pandemic office, and the officials that were working in that office left this administration abruptly. So what responsibility do you take to that? And the officials that worked in that office said that you, that the White House lost valuable time because that office wasn't disbanded.

Speaker 6

08:50

What do you make of that?

Speaker 5

08:52

Well, I just think it's a nasty question. And when you say me, I didn't do it. We have a group of people I could, I could ask perhaps my administration, but I could perhaps ask Tony about that because I don't know anything about it.

Speaker 5

09:04

I mean, you say, you say we did that. I don't know anything about it. We're spending... No, I don't know.

Speaker 5

09:09

It's the administration. Perhaps they do that. You know, people let people go. You used to be with a different newspaper than you are now.

Speaker 5

09:15

You know, things like that happen. Okay, please go ahead. We're doing a great job.

Speaker 1

09:21

Perfect. I didn't do it. I don't know anything about it. Maybe someone in the administration did it.

Speaker 1

09:28

Maybe Tony did it. These things happen. I don't know. Again, we're doing a great job.

Speaker 1

09:33

That is reminiscent of Harry Truman's famous saying, the buck stops, somewhere over there, maybe? Tony, Tony, you stop that buck? You stop that buck, Tony? Tony probably stopped it.

Speaker 1

09:42

The point is, I don't know, lady, I just work here. That is a level of dodging responsibility that Trump has been perfecting ever since he was very much not in Vietnam. Also, it feels important to point out that 1 of the marquee announcements in that press conference was the president's claim that Google was rapidly building a website that would direct people to drive through testing facilities, which sounds fantastic. But, you should know, Google quickly clarified the site is in the early stages of development, with plans to roll out testing in the Bay Area and maybe expand it more broadly over time.

Speaker 1

10:19

So in terms of immediate help, that website is about as effective as going to isthisacat.com. Now, if you're not familiar with this website, you can simply upload a photo, And it will tell you with a simple yes or no, if the thing you're looking at is a cat or not. See that? The website knows it's a cat.

Speaker 1

10:36

Now, when I uploaded a picture of a dog, the website says no. That's how you know it's a good website. Now, will it tell you where the drive-thru testing locations are? No, it won't do that.

Speaker 1

10:48

But for the time being, neither will Trump's Google thing, so you might as well spend your time looking at things that are and are not cats. Look, this is clearly both frustrating and extremely unnerving, and it is actively contributing to a sense of confusion in the country at the moment. And at this point, it might really be best for us to put the president aside. Don't worry, there is going to be ample time to be utterly furious with him later.

Speaker 1

11:16

But the fact is, even though this should not be the case, it seems we're gonna be a little bit on our own here. And because of that, it might be worth going over some basic rules that health experts say we should all absolutely be following to help stem this outbreak. Individuals have been doing their best to spread good information online, including a number of social media celebrities on TikTok, none more delightful than this 1.

Speaker 7

11:43

It's corona time. -♪ Corona time, corona time

Speaker 1

11:45

♪ -♪

Speaker 7

11:46

Hey, it's Corona time right now. It's Corona time. It's Corona time.

Speaker 7

11:50

It's Corona time. It's Corona time.

Speaker 1

11:55

I mean, that is excellent. That TikTok hamster is now my favorite thing in the world. And yes, I fully understand I have a wife and 2 children, but I'll say it again, that TikTok hamster is my favorite thing in the world.

Speaker 1

12:05

And yes, I fully

Speaker 4

12:05

understand I have a wife and 2 children, but I'll say it again,

Speaker 1

12:05

that TikTok hamster is my favorite thing in the world. And it is truly sad that a hamster just genuinely offered more useful public health advice in 1 12-second TikTok than the president has in multiple addresses to the nation. And let's actually go over what that very wise ball of fluff was just telling us.

Speaker 1

12:25

First, wash your hands for at least 20 seconds. That's really good advice. It's basically the time it takes to sing Happy Birthday to Oprah twice. So it's time well spent.

Speaker 1

12:35

Second, make sure you cough and sneeze into a tissue, your elbow, or your upper sleeve, not your hand. And disinfect frequently touched surfaces daily. Third, wear masks only if you have symptoms or you are a caregiver, as it is important that there are enough of these masks available for medical professionals and those with respiratory conditions. And finally, stay home, especially if you're sick, but also if you are not.

Speaker 1

13:06

That last 1 is part of what's called social distancing. Or as President Trump put it on Twitter, with all caps and no further explanation, social distancing! And here's the thing, he makes a fine point, but if I may just expand on that screen tweet a little, social distancing is absolutely crucial right now. The idea is to avoid crowded places, cancel social engagements, avoid unnecessary travel, work from home, if that is an option for you, and if you need to buy groceries or use public transit, try to do it at off-peak times.

Speaker 1

13:45

Now, obviously, that is not all feasible for everyone. But if you truly have no choice but to go out, it is vital to protect yourself and others by keeping a distance of at least 6 feet from other people. Basically, For the time being, pretend you're a British parent and everyone else in the world is your child. Keep as much distance as you can, avoid physical contact at all costs, and if any 1 of them try to give you a hug, reject it.

Speaker 1

14:15

The reason why social distancing is so important is because it can help us flatten the curve. It's a phrase you've probably heard a lot this week. And what it means is basically this. Slow the spread of the virus so we don't overwhelm the healthcare system.

Speaker 1

14:31

We only have so many ventilators and hospital beds, and if cases spike all at once, they could max out our capacity. And I know that there is a temptation to think, hold on, this is America. I'm sure we have enough ventilators for even the worst case scenario. We don't.

Speaker 1

14:48

We really don't. So it is imperative that we spread cases out over a longer period of time so that everyone who needs care can get it. And yes, proper social distancing involves some sacrifice, but this is a critical thing that we should all do for the more vulnerable among us, and the healthcare workers who are going to be in the shit for some time to come. For example, of what it looks like when you do not flatten the curve.

Speaker 1

15:20

Just look to the hardest hit areas of Italy, where cases have so overwhelmed the system, doctors have had to make very difficult choices about who gets potentially life-saving treatment and who doesn't. And in addition to attempting to quell the spread of the virus, we should also be doing everything that we can to contain the spread of misinformation, because there is currently a lot of harmful bullshit flying around. There's Alex Jones, who suggested that his toothpaste kills the whole SARS-Corona family at point-blank range. And it would be great if it did that.

Speaker 1

15:57

I would love it if his toothpaste did that, but you know... It doesn't. There's multiple commentators who've made misleading comparisons to the swine flu, an illness with a mortality rate at least 50 times lower than this 1. And then there is Geraldo Rivera, who felt it important to tell Fox viewers this.

Speaker 4

16:17

Well, if you know you've got a fever, or if you can't hold your breath for 10 seconds, everyone should do that. Hold your breath for 10 seconds. If you can hold your breath for 10 seconds, then you don't have this disease.

Speaker 1

16:29

Okay, I'm guessing you instinctively know this, but that's just not true in any way whatsoever. You can't test for the coronavirus by holding your breath. However, I do have a way that Geraldo can test for the coronavirus, but this will only work for Geraldo and absolutely no 1 else.

Speaker 1

16:47

So are you listening, Geraldo? Okay. Hold your breath just like this. Hold...

Speaker 1

16:51

Right? You're doing it. Now keep holding it. Keep holding it, Geraldo.

Speaker 1

16:55

Keep holding your breath. Keep holding that breath, Geraldo. I know you might be feeling dizzy and You might be about to pass out, but don't worry, G-Man. That just means that the test is working.

Speaker 1

17:03

Just keep holding your breath. Do not breathe, Geraldo. Don't you breathe right now. Your lungs are probably really burning.

Speaker 1

17:10

That just means you're disinfecting them. Well done. Keep holding your breath. I will tell you when to let it out.

Speaker 7

17:19

I'm not going to

Speaker 1

17:19

tell him to let it out. The point is, I know that that may seem obviously dumb, but there is a ton of misinformation out there, and not all of it is so obviously bullshit. So please, be careful before forwarding or retweeting stuff that you do not know to be true.

Speaker 1

17:39

Because our personal actions are really going to count here. And even if you are not worried about getting this virus, other people, especially the elderly and the immunosuppressed, simply don't have that luxury. So it is a good idea to treat these precautions like you would a flu shot. You don't just get a flu shot for you, you get it for everybody else.

Speaker 1

18:01

We all have a real responsibility to 1 another right now, because the choices we make in the coming days and weeks will contribute directly to how bad this crisis gets. And I know that this disruption to your life is annoying, and it's okay to be disappointed or even irritated because you can't go out, or your favorite events were postponed, or a trip you had planned fell through, but you got to get that out of your system. In fact, you know what? Let's put 30 seconds on the clock right now during which everyone can be selfishly angry about the things that they didn't want canceled or postponed.

Speaker 1

18:34

Whether it's the NBA suspending its season, or Disney World being closed, or the ninth Fast and Furious movie being pushed back a year. It's the 1 John Cena was gonna be in. I mean, that stings. I'm not gonna say it doesn't.

Speaker 1

18:48

Now, personally, I'm gonna be spending the next 30 seconds being furious about the fact that my favorite football team, Liverpool, were literally 2 games away from winning the league championship before games were suspended. So let's start the clock... Now. Because here's the thing, I've waited my entire adult life for this.

Speaker 1

19:05

They were about to win the title for the first time in 30 years. They were 25 points ahead of Man City. 25 points, that's historic margin! And you're telling me it could be for nothing?

Speaker 1

19:14

Mo Salah deserves to be a Premier League champion. The coach, Jurgen Klopp, deserves this. And I know he has specifically pointed out in a beautiful essay you should look up, that we should not worry about the league right now, we should keep things in perspective. But the very fact that he wrote something like that just makes me want him to win the title even more.

Speaker 1

19:28

I want to see the trophy going through the chancellor gates! That doesn't make me a bad person. Okay, okay. That's it.

Speaker 1

19:33

That's it. We're out of time. It's out of my system now. It just feels like they should really give Liverpool the league title because they basically won it.

Speaker 1

19:41

That would actually be fair. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Speaker 1

19:43

It's... Okay, I'm done. It's just because it's not like anyone's gonna catch up from a 25-point deficit anyway. Okay, okay, you're right.

Speaker 1

19:51

You are right. Sports are not important right now. They're not important right now. I mean, they're not really important ever, but they're especially not important now.

Speaker 1

20:02

Look, I know things are currently very scary. And things are going to be weird for a while, for weeks and honestly, more likely months. And the fact that that is true makes it even more important that going forward we're going to need to look out for 1 another and not just in terms of containing the transmission of this virus, but also in terms of the economic impact that this is going to have on people who may well not be able to weather it. This is going to be an unsettling and potentially lonely time.

Speaker 1

20:38

So think about calling older relatives or neighbours or just anyone that you know who may be vulnerable or feeling isolated. 1 small way you can help is by donating financially to your local food bank. There is a directory of those at feedingamerica.org. And just to reiterate, try your best, I know it's hard, but try your best to tune out and not pass on misinformation in the coming weeks from sources like, sadly, the President.

Speaker 1

21:09

And instead, pay more attention to trustworthy information from the CDC, experts like Anthony Fauci, and of course, TikTok hamsters. Always TikTok hamsters. Take care of yourself, take care of each other, and we will be back in some form, sometime in the future. And until then, stay safe and good night.

Speaker 1

22:00

Okay.

Speaker 4

22:04

Fuuuuuuuck.