Taken from JRE #1990 w/Bert Kreischer:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/5lGE3iknhxc4xGI79bVcCe?si=c19359e90d00403c

Wow, I just think it's a funny fucking movie, man.

It's a big action comedy that needs to be seen on the big screen.

And I've been fucking up promotion for it because I'm way too honest.

Like I'm just like, they're like, what are the kissing scenes like?

I didn't know there was kissing scenes in the movie because I don't read the action when I read the scripts.

So I don't read like, you know, hey, Bert comes back, kisses his wife, and knocks her off her feet.

I just go like, oh, Leanne was in Serbia and they were like, hey, you have a kissing scene today.

And they're like, yeah, you're with your wife.

And Leanne's like, yeah, you're an actor.

I was like, yeah, but I haven't cheated on you ever.

Like I haven't kissed someone in 20 fucking years.

I was like, okay All I'll say is the pants I was wearing were loose-fitting and I don't wear underwear We did 1 take I was like costume change, please

What the fuck you supposed to do you just kiss someone and then just like I don't have a fuck does that work You ever kiss someone

Your body doesn't know that it's just acting.

By the way, I've talked with her, and we've talked about this a number

And she goes, we did the first kiss, And I'm like, I don't know, I'm just like, you know.

And she's like, hey, you know, really go for it.

She's like, yeah, like, try to knock me off my feet.

I'm not thinking about it, I'm gonna fucking, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

Walk up, and as soon as, and then she kissed back, and I was like, what

You're not supposed to you're supposed to say like you're supposed to say here ask me what the kissing scene was like

It's just acting It's what we do as actors

Yeah, well it is for some people, but it's also a fucking hardcore lie.

It's also why Brad Pitt fucked Angelina Jolie.

It's because you make out with her a couple times, you're like, that was fucking nice.

And Jennifer Aniston's texting you like, pass, pass.

Like fucking Leanne, we did the kissing scene all day.

All day, I kissed this woman for like 30 minutes, 35 minutes, kissed her.

And then we got in bed in Serbia and Leanne's like, hey, you wanna, I was like, beat it, scissor lips.

I was like, I'm fucking, I'll come back to you when I need to rude

so yeah I the whole fucking I mean the whole movie in general was like I was not coming.

I ripped my fucking arm I blew my arm out, But

what is it like to have a story get turned into a movie that's got to be weird as fuck Like a story that like you kind of have to tell now Like if you do a show if you do a show and you don't tell the machine story people will get angry Yeah,

but they did it when we last time I was here Yeah, we were up here, and they started chanting the machines, and I was like guys.

I'm at the comedy mothership I'm just in an hour 15, and that was the best That was 1 of the cool That's the coolest thing about that goddamn club is I see fucking Ron up in the top and I go, I'll tell the machine if Ron comes down and tells Tater Salad.

Ron White comes on stage, tells Tater Salad.

I go to tell the machine and realize I can't follow a tater salad the best story ever told

so It's a real having your movie your life turned into a movie It's surreal like it is like it was emotional at times And then it's and then it's weird because you you feel I feel very vulnerable you know like because some of the questions people ask they're like they're not they don't they like they take but they put teeth in it they're like so you rob people and you're like Jesus Christ so you approve of what the mafia does you're like into the mafia And I'm like hey man can we not make this a real like you're keeping your eyes open while we kiss Let's fucking just make it regular a good morning, America

They were just like they like they they read half of it and then they're like, so you're in the mafia?

And you're like, no, it's a little more complex.

It's better when you hear the whole story.

And they're like, and you robbed your friends.

Like, let's, can we move to the next subject?

I'll tell you what's been really fun is finding out just how Why this story has reached like I didn't expect certain people to be like fans of mine like and I know that sounds like bad but like you're always like when you look at your audiences they my audience it kind of looks like the same 1 thing guys that have chicks that are hotter than they deserve they all have beards they're all a little overweight like that's my fan base I like I literally go hey man I can tell you the sponsors I can get for my tour.

Some blood pressure medicine, some beard trimmers.

Not Lipitor, I know we're talking about statins.

And then you get dudes who are like, I fucking love you.

And like big boy from big boys neighborhood.

I was like you know who I am He's like yeah,

I don't know I just didn't think you know like Nori from dream champs He's like dude.

I told my wife We you get I've got my favorite comedian coming on and she's like you mean the big fat white guy with the takes his shirt off.

And you're like wait when you're younger you try so hard

It's almost like you want it's like fake and then once you're yourself You're truly yourself.

That's when you're the most appealing that makes sense

it does make sense Yeah, because it's hard to do it's hard to do publicly

Yeah, it's hard to be you know yourself publicly

Especially when you're promoting a movie about yourself to be yourself publicly you start understanding like Joaquin Phoenix

you start going like yeah, I don't want to like like secret time Well, this will air this all it'll be fine the premieres tomorrow I'm flying back tonight for the premiere, the premiere list is fucking thick.

It's got fucking, it's like, it's my algorithm.

It's Snoop Dogg, porn stars, and fucking radio DJs.

Like, it's my algorithm, my watch dealer.

But, like, Mark Hamill was like, are you going to stay for the, and watch the movie.

He's like, I'm not gonna watch myself on screen.

And he's like, oh, are you being serious?

He's like, you wanna just, you gonna sit in front of 750 people and watch yourself?

And I was like, hey Mark, secret time, I'm gonna cry watching myself.

I'm gonna Cry and I'm gonna mouth my lines

I did that when we did the first testing of the movie they sat me in the front row I had 2 bottles of wine I sat with Leanne.

I was supposed to write things in for notes the movie starts and I start bawling crying.

I start bawling crying and I start mouthing my lines.

I'm like, I loved watching me more than a narcissist would ever like, it was like the craziest thing.

So we go to the next screening and Kale, our producer, pulls me aside, and he goes, I'm gonna ask you to sit in the back.

And he goes, it kind of affect the way people watch the movie.

He goes, I don't know, you're up there fucking crying like it's Cape Fear, but gay.

But I get emotional watching the movie because I feel like I'm watching a highlight reel.

Like I remember doing all these things and then they're all cut cool.

And so I was like, I don't know, I guess.


Speaker 0: The Joe Rogan Experience

Speaker 1: This movie was gonna sit

Speaker 2: on a fucking shelf. Joe, you've done so much for me. Do it for

Speaker 1: Joe, guys. Do it for Joe.

Speaker 0: Do it for me.

Speaker 1: Prove that he's the motherfucker.

Speaker 0: Wow, I just think it's a funny fucking movie, man.

Speaker 2: It's a good movie. It's an action- It's gonna

Speaker 0: be fun.

Speaker 2: It's a big action comedy that needs to be seen on the big screen.

Speaker 1: And I think people will be surprised

Speaker 2: at how fun this movie is. It's just fucking fun. And I've been fucking up promotion for it because I'm way too honest. I'm not an actor. Like I'm just like, they're like, what are the kissing scenes like?

And I'm like, rough.

Speaker 1: We have 1 kissing scene.

Speaker 2: I didn't know there was kissing scenes in the movie because I don't read the action when I read the scripts. I just read the dialogue. So I don't read like, you know, hey, Bert comes back, kisses his wife, and knocks her off her feet. I just go like, oh, Leanne was in Serbia and they were like, hey, you have a kissing scene today. I was like, what?

And they're like, yeah, you're with your wife. And I was like, shut the fuck up. I was like, is that cool? And Leanne's like, yeah, you're an actor. I was like, yeah, but I haven't cheated on you ever.

Like I haven't kissed someone in 20 fucking years. She was like, it's just acting. I was like, okay All I'll say is the pants I was wearing were loose-fitting and I don't wear underwear We did 1 take I was like costume change, please

Speaker 1: What the fuck you supposed to do you just kiss someone and then just like I don't have a fuck does that work You ever kiss someone

Speaker 0: Your body doesn't know that it's just acting. No. No. No. How could

Speaker 2: it? Yeah. I did the first kiss. My wife, Stephanie, is cool as fuck.

Speaker 1: By the way, I've talked with her, and we've talked about this a number

Speaker 2: of times. And she goes, we did the first kiss, And I'm like, I don't know, I'm just like, you know. And she's like, hey, you know, really go for it. Like, really go for it. And I was like, for real?

She's like, yeah, like, try to knock me off my feet. Like, kiss me. So I was like, okay. I'm not thinking about it, I'm gonna fucking, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Walk up, and as soon as, and then she kissed back, and I was like, what

Speaker 1: the fuck is happening? This is different. Holy shit. And then I'm like, costume change. I need tape.

I need tape. Someone get me ice.

Speaker 0: Are you allowed to talk about that?

Speaker 2: You're not supposed to you're supposed to say like you're supposed to say here ask me what the kissing scene was like

Speaker 0: What was the kissing scene like you

Speaker 2: know it was good. I would say it's just acting.

Speaker 1: It's just acting It's what we do as actors

Speaker 2: Okay, which is true. Yeah, well it is for some people, but it's also a fucking hardcore lie. It's also why Brad Pitt fucked Angelina Jolie.

Speaker 1: It's because you make out with her a couple times, you're like, that was fucking nice.

Speaker 2: I wonder what it's like. And then you're laying in bed going,

Speaker 1: And Jennifer Aniston's texting you like, pass, pass.

Speaker 2: Like fucking Leanne, we did the kissing scene all day. All day, I kissed this woman for like 30 minutes, 35 minutes, kissed her. Like got comfortable kissing her. And then we got in bed in Serbia and Leanne's like, hey, you wanna, I was like, beat it, scissor lips.

Speaker 1: I was like, I'm fucking, I'll come back to you when I need to rude

Speaker 2: My wife's got good sense of humor.

Speaker 0: I hope

Speaker 2: so yeah I the whole fucking I mean the whole movie in general was like I was not coming. I ripped my fucking arm I blew my arm out, But

Speaker 0: what is it like to have a story get turned into a movie that's got to be weird as fuck Like a story that like you kind of have to tell now Like if you do a show if you do a show and you don't tell the machine story people will get angry Yeah,

Speaker 2: but they did it when we last time I was here Yeah, we were up here, and they started chanting the machines, and I was like guys. I'm at the comedy mothership I'm just in an hour 15, and that was the best That was 1 of the cool That's the coolest thing about that goddamn club is I see fucking Ron up in the top and I go, I'll tell the machine if Ron comes down and tells Tater Salad. And the place is like, Ron White's here? And Ron's like,

Speaker 1: fuck it, I'm coming down.

Speaker 2: Ron White comes on stage, tells Tater Salad.

Speaker 1: I go to tell the machine and realize I can't follow a tater salad the best story ever told

Speaker 2: so It's a real having your movie your life turned into a movie It's surreal like it is like it was emotional at times And then it's and then it's weird because you you feel I feel very vulnerable you know like because some of the questions people ask they're like they're not they don't they like they take but they put teeth in it they're like so you rob people and you're like Jesus Christ so you approve of what the mafia does you're like into the mafia And I'm like hey man can we not make this a real like you're keeping your eyes open while we kiss Let's fucking just make it regular a good morning, America

Speaker 0: So they got upset with the premise

Speaker 2: They were just like they like they they read half of it and then they're like, so you're in the mafia? And you're like, no, it's a little more complex. But no,

Speaker 1: but you like got welcomed into the

Speaker 2: mafia and you're like, yeah, like kinda. It's better when you hear the whole story. I think I tell it a little different. And they're like, and you robbed your friends. Are they cool with you now?

And I'm like, yeah, yeah. Some of them

Speaker 1: are coming to the premiere. Like fucking Jesus Christ. Like, let's, can we move to the next subject? I don't believe in vaccines.

Speaker 0: Oh my God.

Speaker 2: Yeah, it's been, it's been interesting. It's been fun. I'll tell you what's been really fun is finding out just how Why this story has reached like I didn't expect certain people to be like fans of mine like and I know that sounds like bad but like you're always like when you look at your audiences they my audience it kind of looks like the same 1 thing guys that have chicks that are hotter than they deserve they all have beards they're all a little overweight like that's my fan base I like I literally go hey man I can tell you the sponsors I can get for my tour. Lipitor would be a good sponsor. Some blood pressure medicine, some beard trimmers.

Not Lipitor, I know we're talking about statins. But I know my fan base. And then you get dudes who are like, I fucking love you. And like big boy from big boys neighborhood. I was like you know who I am He's like yeah,

Speaker 1: why wouldn't I I was like

Speaker 2: I don't know I just didn't think you know like Nori from dream champs He's like dude. I'm the big guys. I told my wife We you get I've got my favorite comedian coming on and she's like you mean the big fat white guy with the takes his shirt off.

Speaker 1: And you're like wait when you're younger you try so hard

Speaker 2: to appeal to all demographics. It's almost like you want it's like fake and then once you're yourself You're truly yourself. That's when you appeal. That's when you're the most appealing that makes sense

Speaker 3: it does make sense Yeah, because it's hard to do it's hard to do publicly

Speaker 4: Yeah, it's hard to be you know yourself publicly

Speaker 2: Especially when you're promoting a movie about yourself to be yourself publicly you start understanding like Joaquin Phoenix

Speaker 0: Oh my god for sure

Speaker 2: you start going like yeah, I don't want to like like secret time Well, this will air this all it'll be fine the premieres tomorrow I'm flying back tonight for the premiere, the premiere list is fucking thick. It's fucking thick. It's got fucking, it's like, it's my algorithm. It's Snoop Dogg, porn stars, and fucking radio DJs.

Speaker 1: A couple pro surfers. Like, it's my algorithm, my watch dealer.

Speaker 2: But, like, Mark Hamill was like, are you going to stay for the, and watch the movie. And I was like, are we not supposed to? He's like, I'm not gonna watch myself on screen. And I was like, why? And he's like, oh, are you being serious?

He's like, you wanna just, you gonna sit in front of 750 people and watch yourself? And I was like, hey Mark, secret time, I'm gonna cry watching myself.

Speaker 1: I'm gonna Cry and I'm gonna mouth my lines

Speaker 2: I did that when we did the first testing of the movie they sat me in the front row I had 2 bottles of wine I sat with Leanne. I had a notebook. I was supposed to write things in for notes the movie starts and I start bawling crying. I start bawling crying and I start mouthing my lines. I'm laughing hysterically.

I'm like, I loved watching me more than a narcissist would ever like, it was like the craziest thing. So we go to the next screening and Kale, our producer, pulls me aside, and he goes, I'm gonna ask you to sit in the back. I said, what? And he goes, it kind of affect the way people watch the movie. I said,

Speaker 1: what do you mean? He goes, I don't know, you're up there fucking crying like it's Cape Fear, but gay. He goes, fucking sit in the back. And so, the next time I sat in the back. But I get emotional watching the movie because I feel like I'm watching a highlight reel.

Speaker 2: Like I remember doing all these things and then they're all cut cool. And so I was like, I don't know, I guess. I don't know.

Speaker 1: I think I'll watch the movie. I guess I would.

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Bert on The Machine Movie and Crying the First Time He Saw It