- Self-control is a problem because we struggle to listen to ourselves and make positive changes
- We often try to find individual solutions to our problems, but they don't always work
- Cold showers and other hard tasks don't necessarily improve self-control in all areas of life
- Self-control is not a fixed personality trait, but a diminishing resource that can be depleted over time
- Emotional regulation and stress reduce self-control
- Meditation can help boost self-control, but it can be difficult to have the self-control to meditate regularly
- Self-control is actually our capacity to monitor internal conflict in the brain
- When we stop monitoring the conflict, we lose control
- Losing control happens before we realize it, not after we give in to a behavior

- Conflict monitoring is a form of self-control and is related to emotional regulation and stress.
- Emotional regulation involves suppressing internal emotions, which can decrease self-control.
- Stress causes externalization of attention, leading to decreased awareness of internal conflict and reduced self-control.
- To improve self-control, it is important to regulate emotions and re-internalize awareness.
- Increasing awareness of internal signals and conflicts boosts the conflict monitoring system in the brain, improving self-control.
- Meditation is effective in improving self-control because it involves paying attention to the breath, which is the same as conflict monitoring.
- Just "doing it" or exerting self-control is preceded by a high awareness of internal conflict.
- To develop self-control, one needs to pay attention to internal conflict and increase awareness.

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▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:11 You don’t really listen to you
03:27 Understanding self control
05:22 What diminishes your self control?
10:03 Monitoring conflict is self control
12:20 How to monitor conflict yourself
15:40 Exerting self control

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Today we're going to talk about the science of self-control and evidence-based techniques to boost your self-control.

So the basic problem here is that you want to do stuff, right?

You want to eat healthier, you want to exercise more, you want to wake up on time, you want to go to bed on time, you want to spend less time on your phone.

But the problem is that you don't really listen to you, right?

And so what we end up doing is we try to find solutions for our problems.

And you'll maybe do a Google search or watch a YouTube video about how to eat healthy or how to actually go to bed on time.

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And so we end up trying to fix these problems individually.

But in the back of your mind, you probably know that if you could just be better at controlling yourself, all of these things would get better.

If you were better at self-control, you'd be able to eat healthy, you'd be able to be more motivated at work, you'd be able to suppress and control your burnout.

And so then we end up doing things to try to boost our self-control.

Like sometimes we'll even take supplements that are supposed to be cognitive enhancers or we'll do really hard things like take cold showers because taking a cold shower is hard and if I can force myself to do it then I should be able to force myself to do all of the other stuff.

And it turns out, though, that that doesn't really work.

Because if cold showers increased everybody's self-control, then we'd have a lot of data supporting that, and everyone would be taking cold showers.

It turns out that if you look at it scientifically, what cold showers make you good at is tolerating cold showers.

And that's what's so elusive about self-control, that we can get good at a particular task, but that doesn't actually translate over into the other parts of our lives.

And the reason for that is because we haven't really understood the science of self-control until now.

And there have been a couple of, in my opinion, revolutionary studies that have completely changed our perspective on self-control.

In fact, they've shown us that self-control doesn't really exist.

And paradoxically, it's through understanding this that we will learn the best scientifically validated methods to improve our self-control.

And if this is so revolutionary, why haven't you heard about it?

It's actually really, really hard to understand because it completely changes our perspective on self-control.

And the second thing is that the discovery isn't sexy at all.

And at the same time now that we know this, now that we literally understand where self-control originates in the brain, we can actually do things to significantly boost our self-control.

So let's start by understanding what we do know about self-control.

So a couple thousand years ago, a group of yogis sitting in India basically discovered something, that Awareness precedes control.

And when I teach this principle, either as a psychiatrist or a meditation instructor, I kind of point out that, okay, if you kind of go to the dentist and you get something numbed up, you can't feel your mouth anymore.

And if you can't feel your mouth anymore, you can't control your mouth.

Water will spill out, you're talking like this, you can't really like understand what people are saying, people can't understand you.

So I sort of use this kind of analogy that, okay, if you get something numbed up, you can't control it anymore.

And it turns out that while that analogy seemed really good, it's actually wrong and it goes way deeper than that.

In the 90s and 2000s, there were a group of psychologists who tried to figure out what is going on with self-control.

Because the basic idea that we had at the time was that self-control is essentially like a personality characteristic.

And if you've got the right genes and if you've got the right upbringing, that if you're 20 years old and you've been raised with discipline, then you will continue to be disciplined.

We thought it was a fixed aspect of who you are as a person.

And this group of researchers basically discovered that it's not a fixed

And this group of researchers basically discovered that

it's not a fixed aspect of who you are as a person, but a diminishing resource.

It's not something that's on your character sheet as a trait.

It's actually like a mana bar that can be depleted over time.

Because we kind of know that on some days we're able to control ourselves but on days where there's a lot of stuff going on and we have to exert a lot of self-control when I've had a really rough day at work and I want to yell at my boss and I restrain myself all day at the end of the day, I can't bring myself to eat a salad and I just order a pizza and I sit down and like I'm just done with the day.

So they basically discovered that the more self-control you exert, the more it depletes.

And once researchers had figured out that it is a diminishing resource, naturally the next thing that they looked at is what diminishes self-control the most.

And what we basically figured out is there are 2 things that severely, severely drain your self-control.

So if you spend a lot a lot of time suppressing or regulating your emotions if you want to tell someone to go screw Themselves and you have to hold that in Then you will diminish your reserve of self-control.

The second thing which Reduces self-control is stress because let's be honest stress is bad at everything Stress is bad stress is bad.

So this is going to reduce your self-control, but they literally found that They found that people who were in more stressful situations had a lower reserve of self-control and could not exert that to do healthy behaviors.

And then there were a group of researchers that showed up and said, okay, what can we do to boost self-control?

And no surprise, meditation helps us boost self-control.

If you meditate, you will be more in control, more in control.

But then, like I said earlier, this gets us back to the original problem, where if I had the self-control to meditate every day, I wouldn't need to meditate every day.

If I could force myself to sit down, then I wouldn't be in this problem in the first place.

And this is where we come to the truly revolutionary research.

So a group of scientists sat down, and they sort of figured out, OK, so we know that emotional regulation and stress reduce our capacity for self-control.

Then they asked the question, what's going on in the brain when emotional regulation and stress actually drain our self-control.

Which part of the brain is actually being drained?

And they used something called an EEG, which measures the electrical activity of the brain, and they discovered something really fascinating.

That there's this part of our brain called the anterior cingulate cortex.

And the anterior cingulate cortex is responsible for monitoring internal conflict.

And what they essentially discovered is when we stop monitoring our internal conflict, our capacity for self-control goes out the window.

So this was kind of a weird finding because it sort of suggested that self-control isn't really a thing, but simply that what self-control really is is our capacity to monitor internal conflict.

And if you sort of stop and think about it, you'll notice this, right?

We only exert self-control when there is an internal conflict.

So generally speaking in human behavior, I have an automatic impulse.

And then there is another part of my brain that says, actually, we should eat a salad.

And in that moment, when you exert self-control, there is actually a conflict between 1 part of you and the other part of you.

That's literally why we call it self-control, because you are trying to control yourself and the self actually wants to do something else.

Now we've assumed based on our subjective experience that there is actually a control aspect going on but it turns out that that's actually not the case.

It turns out that what these researchers discovered is as long as the conflict is being monitored, we will be in control.

But the moment we stop monitoring the conflict, we lose all control.

And you may have actually noticed this because it sounds kind of weird right but just like pay attention to your particular circumstance where you fight a battle in your mind and then as long as you're fighting that battle you're still sort of in control but the moment that you stop paying attention and the moment the battle disappears is the moment that we lose control.

Now this is where we think that the reason we stop monitoring the battle is because we've lost or we've won, right?

The battle is over, that's why I stopped paying attention.

And this is completely natural because the 2 happen really closely together.

We stop thinking about it after we lose, right?

And then we kind of give in to the behavior.

But it turns out that it's actually the other way around.

It is that when we stop monitoring it, that's when we lose the battle.

And you may have kind of noticed this, that in the back of your mind, you're kind of arguing with yourself, but you're sort of like, and then you stop thinking about it.

And before you realize it, your phone is in your hand, and you're kind of waving it around, and you're scrolling in bed.

Before you realize it, you've turned on the light or opened up your tablet and you started to watch something.

And even working as an addiction psychiatrist, when I talk to patients about their relapse, they don't relapse after a long and drawn out battle of like resisting, resisting, resisting, resisting, resisting.

You kind of give up in your mind, and you kind of stop thinking about it, and then you're engaging in the behavior before you even realize it.

And so this is exactly what the researchers discovered, that conflict monitoring is self-control.

What about all this stuff around emotional regulation and stress?

Because we know that those 2 things deplete self-control the most.

But you're telling me that simply monitoring conflict is self-control, how does that relate?

So if we look at emotional regulation, What are we literally doing in emotional regulation?

We are suppressing our internal emotions.

I want to tell my boss to go screw himself but instead of paying attention to that I'm going to shut off that part of my mind and shockingly when I shut off my internal awareness I shut off my ability to monitor conflict and as I shut off the part that is responsible for self-control shockingly my self-control worsens So emotional regulation fits perfectly because literally what you're doing is shutting off that conflict monitoring part intentionally so that getting pissed off doesn't take control and actually cause you problems.

So that sort of makes sense that as we suppress our internal awareness, we will lose the capacity for self-control.

So stress is also something that fits perfectly because when we are stressed out, literally what our brain is doing is externalizing our attention.

When you are stressed out, you are not thinking or paying attention to this.

You are paying attention to the problems outside that are gonna screw you, right?

So when I'm stressed out about a test, I'm not paying attention to the internal environment, I'm thinking about the test.

When I'm stressed out about my boyfriend or girlfriend breaking up with me, I'm not thinking about how I feel, I'm thinking about how do I prevent this disaster.

So now we see another really interesting point of evidence, which is that when we are stressed out, literally what our brain does is externalizes our attention to solve the problems that cause us stress.

And shockingly, when I externalize my attention, what do I stop paying attention to my internal conflict?

So we actually see that This old research about emotional regulation and stress causing reductions in self-control fits perfectly with this model that conflict monitoring is literally self-control.

The first is that the more of your emotions that you have to suppress, the worse your self-control will get.

And this kind of makes sense because if we look at addiction psychiatry, the more emotionally turbulent someone is, the more likely they are to use and relapse and not control their behavior.

The crappier your life is emotionally, the more likely you are to give in to bad behaviors.

So the first thing that we've got to do is learn how to alternately regulate our emotions.

So this can be everything from going to therapy to journaling to taking walks.

But what you need to understand is that you cannot improve your self-control if you are emotionally turbulent.

That fixing the emotional turbulence is the same thing as improving your self-control.

Because this is where we could say, but okay, Dr.

K, so are you saying that as long as I'm stressed out that I won't be able to control myself.

And that's where the science really comes in and says not quite.

Because I'm not saying that you have to solve all of your problems, but instead what you need to do is re-internalize your awareness.

When I'm focused on solving problems, let's say I have a final coming up and I'm afraid to fail it.

What I start doing is stop paying attention to myself.

I stop paying attention to my hunger signals.

I stop paying attention to my fatigue signals.

I stop paying attention to everything in here because I'm so focused out there So it's not that you need to fix all of the problems in your life to gain self-control.

It's that you need to Reinternalize your awareness.

So anytime you're feeling stressed out try to take 15 minutes 20 minutes 30 minutes to just check in with yourself.

Sit down or go for a walk and just ask yourself, how am I feeling right now?

Just take a moment to literally re-internalize your awareness, just pay attention to what's going on.

Even if I pay attention, how do I start doing healthy things?

And this is the revolutionary and confusing thing, is that the 2 are actually the same.

Literally, all you need to do is increase awareness of the internal self.

As you increase that awareness, you will be boosting that conflict monitoring system in the anterior cingulate cortex.

It's not that self-control is separate from awareness, it's that the 2 are actually exactly the same thing.

So as long as you can pay attention to your internal signals, literally your self-control will improve because the circuits are 1 in the same.

What we subjectively experience as self-control is different from what is actually going on in the brain.

So a good example of this is if I'm nervous, I will say I have butterflies in my stomach.

But I don't literally have butterflies in my stomach.

It is just the way that I subjectively experience nausea or anxiety or whatever.

And instead, there's actually a discrete neuroscientific mechanism.

And so if you kind of stop and think about it, the solution to getting rid of butterflies in your stomach is not to remove the butterflies in your stomach.

It's to address what's actually going on in the brain.

And so even if you accept that, you may be saying, okay, so I need to internalize my awareness when I'm stressed out.

And this is exactly why this is so hard to understand.

You don't actually need to do anything else.

That self-control and awareness of your internal state, specifically awareness of conflicts within you, is literally the same thing as self-control.

And that sounds really confusing because subjectively that's not really what it feels like, right?

And this is exactly what the problem is, is as we try to figure out how do I control myself, we don't find any good evidence-based answers because none of them exist.

And now we actually come full circle to meditation.

Because why is meditation so good at improving self-control?

Because when I'm doing meditation, all I'm doing is paying attention to my breath.

That's not controlling my breath, it's not resisting my breath, it's just paying attention.

And that's literally because these 2 functions are the same in the brain.

So it turns out that the yogis actually had it right all along, and even what I was saying earlier about awareness precedes control is actually incorrect.

It's not that awareness precedes control, it's that awareness is control.

And so the last thing that you can do, which I know sounds crazy, is actually meditate.

But even in this way, you don't have to do a formal meditation practice.

Literally, the muscle of self-control is the muscle of conflict monitoring.

So all you need to do is pay attention to your internal conflict.

And the more that you sit with that conflict, the more you will be able to exert control.

And the last thing that I'll leave you all with is if you even kind of think about the times in your life where you exert self-control, you kind of are aware of that conflict and then you kind of have this idea of just do it, right?

You kind of Make up your mind and you just do it.

And so if we sort of stop and think about it, then it becomes easier.

You're like, yeah, I just woke up 1 day and I just did it.

And so everyone on the internet is telling you to just do it.

But that's hard because you don't know how to just do it.

If you look at every person who has decided to just do it.

All of that just doing it was preceded by a very high awareness of internal conflict.

And if we're talking about someone who overcomes an addiction, what we literally do in psychotherapy is become aware of that conflict over and over and over again.

And then 1 day, an addict wakes up and becomes sober.

And so if you want to do that for your life and develop self-control, what you really need to do is actually not just do it.

You're trying to solve the wrong problem, which is exactly why it doesn't work.

Instead, all you need to do is pay attention to your internal conflict, and the longer you can be aware of it, the more in control you will be.

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The Science Of Self Control