Is Becoming A Trauma Informed Coach YOUR Calling? Next Certification Program Begins: May 2023 
https://www.micheleleenieves.com/offers/zPX7yLxK

I am always looking to add more value to my services -so I am soooo excited to let you know that anyone that joins DURING THE MONTH OF MARCH - the Trauma Informed Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coach Training that begins in May .....

Will receive 2 months FREE Access to Thrivers School of Transformation (This is a savings of $239.97) but not only does it save you money... it also strengthens YOUR OWN trauma recovery journey.

Doing the inner work FIRST is sooo important and helpful as it allows us to be able to hold a safe space for our clients without being triggered. If we are unable to hold that safe space - we run the risk of harming others.... and that is something we would NEVER want to do!!!!

There are only 20 seats available in the class...... will you be using YOUR post traumatic growth to pay it forward and help others????

I will leave the link here for you to check it out and see if it's a good fit for you:
https://www.micheleleenieves.com/offers/zPX7yLxK

If you don't feel ready yet to help others and want to do a deep dive into your own recovery journey and prefer working ONE ON ONE w/ Michele utilizing the modalities she mentions in this video - here's the link for a 3 Month Deep Dive designed to help you experience lasting change:
https://www.micheleleenieves.com/offers/EMaFyqrs





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The statements on this YouTube channel or in videos are simply opinion. Content presented or posted on this channel is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment or a professional therapeutic relationship. Content presented or posted is intended to provide general health information for educational purposes only and you should contact the appropriate healthcare professional before relying on any such information.

Hey guys, I'm talking today about anger, anger after narcissistic abuse.

This is an emotion that we can get stuck in and stay stuck in for a long time.

And that really sucks because being in narcissistic relationships steals so much of your life as it is, that staying stuck in anger only continues and prolongs the suffering.

To understand why it's so hard to work through.

And then I'm gonna give you some tips on what does help.

Okay, so when it comes to narcissistic abuse, we have to really give ourselves some grace because it's understandable that you would be angry.

Okay, so 1 of the things that happens in all narcissistic relationships is you are abused, you are manipulated, you're gaslit, you're triangulated, you are treated horribly.

And that alone should be enough, right, to understand it.

But you're treated horribly by somebody in a position where you're expecting love, like a parent, a family member, a significant other.

So I was watching 1 of John Bradshaw's videos where he was talking, he does the book Homecoming, which by the way, I read the book and I saw his videos.

But anyway, in that video, he talked about how when you come from abuse, he compared childhood abuse to people that were in a concentration camp.

And what he basically said was, and I know that's a delicate subject, but what he was saying was that if you were in a concentration camp, you had an enemy, but you expected them to be your enemy.

In childhood abuse with a narcissistic family member, the enemy is in a role where there should be love.

And on top of that, in a concentration camp, you have other people that have that common enemy.

In a narcissistic family system, you are raised to not say a word.

You can't ever reveal the truth about what's going on behind closed doors, or you will get severely shamed and punished.

So that kind of treatment in those kinds of relationships does so much damage to the psyche.

Another reason emotions like anger are so hard to process and let go of after narcissistic abuse is because you were shamed anytime you felt angry.

You were probably made to feel like anger was bad, right?

If other people were angry, it was your fault and you were to blame.

And when you were angry, you were bad and there was something wrong with you.

So there's this bad relationship that we develop with our own emotional states, 1 of them being anger.

So the child grows suppressing, willingly trying to suppress what naturally is coming up, right, in the body, that their emotions, being angry about how you're being treated, That's getting suppressed.

And then what happens with trauma is your brain starts seeing, oh, anger brings about pain and fear for you.

And then your survival brain kicks on and begins to disconnect you from your own emotional states.

So then you have suppressed anger combined with repressed anger, repressed being unconscious.

And then in our adult relationships, right?

When we're angry, if you're with a covert narcissist especially if you're with a covert narcissist and you are happy, you're punished.

When you're angry and you explode, you get rewarded, right?

This is how people get stuck in reactive abuse.

This is how people get stuck in emotional states like irritability, depression, feeling negative all the time because anytime they're positive, something bad happens.

Anytime they blow up, the narcissist suddenly calms down.

They feel better because they're like, oh, I'm not the 1 that's out of control.

So they provoke you to feel what they're feeling so they feel better.

Then they reward you by letting up on the abuse when you get angry.

And so the times you spend in an angry state are prolonged.

And by spending so long in those states, they become part of your personality.

But there's 1 more that I'm gonna mention for the sake of this video, is the fact that in those adult relationships, when you try to speak your truth and you try to point things out, you're invalidated.

So we wind up with all of this suppressed and repressed emotion.

Just because it's suppressed and repressed doesn't mean it's non-existent.

And eventually, eventually the body just can't take it anymore.

And then I guess there is 1 more I'm gonna mention.

It's the loss that you feel when you finally wake up and realize that everything you've been trying to do in the relationship to make it work, trying to find that secret formula to make your parent happy, working so hard, yanking yourself inside out to make someone else happy, abandoning self to make someone else happy, when you realize that it wasn't real on their part, and you start to come into grips with what this personality type is like, and you start realizing that there never really was a real relationship from the other person's perspective.

That's a tremendous amount of loss to have to work through.

So what happens is we feel anger, anger comes up in the body because we've been angry for so long, we were provoked, We were conditioned to not feel like we're allowed to be happy.

So we realized that after the relationship ends and the brain's like, well, why are you angry?

Then it goes down all this real detailed list about everything the narcissist did.

And so you're looking at what they did, you're feeling more anger and you're, why are you angry?

And you're going back and forth between your emotion and what they did.

And that you can spin on that loop for decades.

You will feel the same amount of anger as if, as if they were still in your life, even if they're not.

And it's because the emotions inside that you were not able to feel that have not been processed.

In order to let anger go, a couple of things are needed.

The first is we need to metabolize that stuck energy.

It's not something that we learn, oh, the narcissist did this, it was wrong and therefore, you know, now I'm moving on.

The energy of that anger, it's like it's stuck in the body.

But as we go to feel it, we wind up suppressing it at the same time.

It's always like bobbing right underneath the surface.

And so we're feeling it and almost retraumatizing ourselves all the time as a result.

And a lot of that has to do with the biology of trauma.

The anger and the abuse has changed your brain and your nervous system.

And so trying to let go of the emotion without helping your body, without working with your nervous system, without working with your brain to rewire it so that you can let it go, it'll be impossible.

And so that being said, That being said, for anyone that feels that they have an emotion they're stuck with and they just can't seem to let go, this month in Thrivers, we have 9 live meetings for deep diving on how to let go of anger and resentment after narcissistic abuse, but it could be used for any stuck emotion as well.

We're going to learn how to peel it back, how to figure out what is fueling the emotions we can't let go of.

We're gonna really dive deep and look at those areas.

And let me tell you, it can be uncomfortable.

It's easier and less uncomfortable to look at the narcissist and what they did than to kind of peer at the wounds in our soul.

So if you're going to come, be prepared to be a little bit uncomfortable because that's what we're going to do.

We're also going to do some exercises that are helpful to move energy in the body and how to use this knowledge to work with our body instead of against it.


Speaker 0: Hey guys, I'm talking today about anger, anger after narcissistic abuse. This is an emotion that we can get stuck in and stay stuck in for a long time. And that really sucks because being in narcissistic relationships steals so much of your life as it is, that staying stuck in anger only continues and prolongs the suffering. And who wants that? To understand why it's so hard to work through.

And then I'm gonna give you some tips on what does help. That being said, let's dive in. Okay, so when it comes to narcissistic abuse, we have to really give ourselves some grace because it's understandable that you would be angry. Okay, so 1 of the things that happens in all narcissistic relationships is you are abused, you are manipulated, you're gaslit, you're triangulated, you are treated horribly. And that alone should be enough, right, to understand it.

But you're treated horribly by somebody in a position where you're expecting love, like a parent, a family member, a significant other. So I was watching 1 of John Bradshaw's videos where he was talking, he does the book Homecoming, which by the way, I read the book and I saw his videos. I love the video so much more. I love his personality. He's actually really, really funny.

But anyway, in that video, he talked about how when you come from abuse, he compared childhood abuse to people that were in a concentration camp. Okay. And what he basically said was, and I know that's a delicate subject, but what he was saying was that if you were in a concentration camp, you had an enemy, but you expected them to be your enemy. In childhood abuse with a narcissistic family member, the enemy is in a role where there should be love. And so that alone is twisted.

And on top of that, in a concentration camp, you have other people that have that common enemy. You can talk about it with people. In a narcissistic family system, you are raised to not say a word. You can't ever reveal the truth about what's going on behind closed doors, or you will get severely shamed and punished. So that kind of treatment in those kinds of relationships does so much damage to the psyche.

Another reason emotions like anger are so hard to process and let go of after narcissistic abuse is because you were shamed anytime you felt angry. You were probably made to feel like anger was bad, right? If other people were angry, it was your fault and you were to blame. And when you were angry, you were bad and there was something wrong with you. So there's this bad relationship that we develop with our own emotional states, 1 of them being anger.

So the child grows suppressing, willingly trying to suppress what naturally is coming up, right, in the body, that their emotions, being angry about how you're being treated, That's getting suppressed. And then what happens with trauma is your brain starts seeing, oh, anger brings about pain and fear for you. So let me help you. And then your survival brain kicks on and begins to disconnect you from your own emotional states. So then you have suppressed anger combined with repressed anger, repressed being unconscious.

You're not even aware of it. And then in our adult relationships, right? When we're angry, if you're with a covert narcissist especially if you're with a covert narcissist and you are happy, you're punished. When you're angry and you explode, you get rewarded, right? This is how people get stuck in reactive abuse.

This is how people get stuck in emotional states like irritability, depression, feeling negative all the time because anytime they're positive, something bad happens. Anytime they blow up, the narcissist suddenly calms down. It's like they got burped. They feel better because they're like, oh, I'm not the 1 that's out of control. He or she is.

So they provoke you to feel what they're feeling so they feel better. Then they reward you by letting up on the abuse when you get angry. And so the times you spend in an angry state are prolonged. And by spending so long in those states, they become part of your personality. But there's 1 more that I'm gonna mention for the sake of this video, is the fact that in those adult relationships, when you try to speak your truth and you try to point things out, you're invalidated.

Your anger is invalidated. Your pain is invalidated. So we wind up with all of this suppressed and repressed emotion. And guess what? Just because it's suppressed and repressed doesn't mean it's non-existent.

It's stuck in the body. And eventually, eventually the body just can't take it anymore. And then I guess there is 1 more I'm gonna mention. It's the loss that you feel when you finally wake up and realize that everything you've been trying to do in the relationship to make it work, trying to find that secret formula to make your parent happy, working so hard, yanking yourself inside out to make someone else happy, abandoning self to make someone else happy, when you realize that it wasn't real on their part, and you start to come into grips with what this personality type is like, and you start realizing that there never really was a real relationship from the other person's perspective. That's a tremendous amount of loss to have to work through.

And so there's a lot of emotion. That is a lot of emotion. That is a lot of invalidated pain. And here's the hardest part. This is where we can get stuck.

The brain can keep us in trauma loops. So what happens is we feel anger, anger comes up in the body because we've been angry for so long, we were provoked, We were conditioned to not feel like we're allowed to be happy. Right. So we realized that after the relationship ends and the brain's like, well, why are you angry? Oh, let me tell you.

Then it goes down all this real detailed list about everything the narcissist did. And so you're looking at what they did, you're feeling more anger and you're, why are you angry? Oh, it's because of them. And you're going back and forth between your emotion and what they did. And that you can spin on that loop for decades.

You will feel the same amount of anger as if, as if they were still in your life, even if they're not. And it's because the emotions inside that you were not able to feel that have not been processed. In order to let anger go, a couple of things are needed. The first is we need to metabolize that stuck energy. It's not something that we learn, oh, the narcissist did this, it was wrong and therefore, you know, now I'm moving on.

The energy of that anger, it's like it's stuck in the body. But as we go to feel it, we wind up suppressing it at the same time. It's always like bobbing right underneath the surface. And so we're feeling it and almost retraumatizing ourselves all the time as a result. And a lot of that has to do with the biology of trauma.

The anger and the abuse has changed your brain and your nervous system. And so trying to let go of the emotion without helping your body, without working with your nervous system, without working with your brain to rewire it so that you can let it go, it'll be impossible. And so that being said, That being said, for anyone that feels that they have an emotion they're stuck with and they just can't seem to let go, this month in Thrivers, we have 9 live meetings for deep diving on how to let go of anger and resentment after narcissistic abuse, but it could be used for any stuck emotion as well. We're going to learn how to peel it back, how to figure out what is fueling the emotions we can't let go of. We're gonna really dive deep and look at those areas.

And let me tell you, it can be uncomfortable. It can be uncomfortable. It's easier and less uncomfortable to look at the narcissist and what they did than to kind of peer at the wounds in our soul. So if you're going to come, be prepared to be a little bit uncomfortable because that's what we're going to do. We're going to find the wounds.

We're also going to do some exercises that are helpful to move energy in the body and how to use this knowledge to work with our body instead of against it.

See all Michele Lee Nieves Coaching transcripts on Youtube

Dealing With Anger After Narcissistic Abuse #narcissisticabuserecoverycoach