- The speaker, Phoenix Ash, discusses her comfort in public speaking and communication
- She reflects on her childhood experiences and struggles with self-esteem
- She credits her comfort in speaking to an audience to the coaching she received from Betty Shabazz, Malcolm X's wife
- She also shares her nervousness and struggles with memory when performing on stage

- The speaker had a performance at a church and forgot the lyrics, but ended up freestyling well
- They learned to believe in themselves and the importance of sharing their message, even if not everyone connects with it
- The speaker had a difficult pregnancy and prayed for the birth of their daughter, who survived against the odds
- They gained confidence and learned to assert themselves, cutting out negative influences in their life
- The speaker is still building confidence, especially in the book world, and relies on seeking out God's plan for them

- The speaker emphasizes the importance of self-worth and value, and the impact of their writing reflecting their self-esteem
- They discuss their transition in writing and the spiritual aspect of their storytelling
- The speaker expresses confidence in allowing their writing to develop naturally, without forcing or predicting the outcome
- They also touch on their views on marriage and the importance of intimacy and understanding in relationships, as well as their relationship with their daughter.

- The speaker discusses her relationship with her daughter, emphasizing the importance of building a community of support for her daughter
- She talks about her daughter's confidence and boundaries, and how she encourages her to communicate her needs
- The speaker also reflects on the importance of genuine interest in others and the value of self-worth and confidence
- She emphasizes the value of being present and recognizing one's own worth, rather than seeking validation from others

- The speaker emphasizes that in a relationship, one should not have to ask what the other person brings to the table
- They discuss their lack of confidence in the book world, but express hope that their writing will improve
- The speaker promotes their books and offers autographed copies for purchase
- They can be contacted on Twitter and TikTok for autographed copies

- Phoenix Ash reflects on her childhood struggles with self-esteem and credits her comfort in public speaking to coaching from Betty Shabazz
- She shares her nervousness and struggles with memory on stage, but emphasizes the importance of sharing her message
- Phoenix Ash discusses her difficult pregnancy and the importance of self-worth and value
- She emphasizes the importance of building confidence and self-worth, and the impact of writing reflecting self-esteem
- The speaker also reflects on her relationship with her daughter and the importance of communication and boundaries
- Phoenix Ash promotes her books and offers autographed copies for purchase, with contact information on Twitter and TikTok.

You know Beyonce is my friend in my head.

You know when I was a kid I had an imaginary enemy.

Hey, what the deal is, welcome to Life as P.

My name is Phoenix Ash, My people call me P.

If this is your first time, I appreciate you giving the show a try.

However you found us, whether it be Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, friend of a friend, friend of your mama, cousin, sister, auntie, another podcast.

For repeat listeners, you already know the love is so real.

I appreciate you giving me a platform to share my heart, my ideas, and my experiences.

All right, so earlier this week, I had a conversation with a coworker.

We were actually attending a luncheon and the luncheon was talking about communication.

And the topic was communication and how do you communicate how would you like to communicate better so forth blah blah blah so someone who was sitting at my table looked at me and said I feel like you're always so comfortable, and I would like to be more well-rounded and employ the comfort that you feel when you talk to different people.

Like, I feel like I never see you uncomfortable.

And first of all, I was so, I don't know, honored.

And, you know, I molded over for a while, like hours after the workshop was over, thought about it and I was like, I mean, I don't typically shake in my boots.

Mostly because I don't even really care no more.

But you know, I've gotten to a point in my life where I place more value on what I think about me and where I'm going and what I'm doing and what my intention is, then I placed on what other people think about me.

I'm 1 of those people where unfortunately or fortunately, whatever, however my story goes, that A lot of people in my life did not like me for whatever reason.

Some didn't really know me and didn't like what I looked like.

Some was on the border, maybe getting to know me and deciding not to, I don't know, whatever.

But I grew up, I felt a lot like I was most hated.

I grew up in a very complicated time for black girls, I think, because it was early eighties and it was like, or mid 80s, I guess.

And mentally, really now that I think about it, it was like young black girls were being taught to love themselves.

But the complication of it was that they were taught to love themselves and hate the people who represented the stigma they were fighting against.

So, previous to my childhood, you know, there was a whole, like, you know, if you liked, you could pass or pass a paper bag test and that was better if you were light brown or if you were even lighter than that.

And then there was a whole movement about like, you know, the black of the berry, the sweet of the juice and how beautiful brown skin, dark brown, deep brown, rich brown, black, how beautiful you are no matter what shade you are.

However, a lot of that came with hating the people who were able to pass or the people who were lighter than the brown paper bag, I'm not really understanding that, you know, your enemy is the people who have created that standard, not the people who just was born on that particular complexion.

And a lot of people would tell me I'm not really black or I'm light skinned.

Now, mind you, my hair was very long and thick very clearly.

I needed a perm or I felt like I needed a perm.

Most people, if you've ever had people who have texture of a white person or whatever, a perm usually makes their hair curly for me.

My hair is long and thick and my ass is definitely a black girl ass.

My nose is definitely a black girl nose, but whatever.

And so there were people who hated me for whatever reason.

Maybe, you know, I knew how to create this facade of esteem because I had very low self-esteem, but I knew how to create this facade of esteem.

And it came with slick comments because you know, you wasn't going to keep berating me because I was getting berated at home.

You know, if you know any part of my story, my uncle was tearing me down every day.

And so you know, I wasn't going to be torn down everywhere I went.

I would go to school and people say slick stuff to me or be like, they want to fight me or whatever.

I would say the slickest of the slick because I was defending myself and I didn't have older siblings to do that for me.

So anywho, as I got older, and then I've been in horrible relationships, my marriage was not that great.

And there was a lot of diminishing parts of me throughout the marriage.

And then 1 day I had a child and woke the fuck up and realized that if I wanted different for her, I had to be different for her.

I had to represent different and I had to not dwell on where I came from, but focus on where I wanted to go and what I wanted life to be like for her and what things I wanted to pour into her so that her quality of life is better than mine had ever been.

And, you know, when it comes to the whole, like, oh, being comfortable in different rooms and talking to different people, There's some things that came with that.

You know, at a very young age, my mother passed away.

I was 8 years old when she died, and my family had to stop, establish a scholarship in her name at the school she taught at.

And my Uncle Mex's wife, Betty Shabazz, was 1 of the professors there as well.

And when I had to give the speech on my mother's behalf, I was very, very nervous.

And she would sort of coach me and tell me, not sort of, she would coach me and tell me, you know, how to present, what to do, what to do to shake the nerves a little bit.

And she did this a couple of years in a row.

So I was very blessed to have someone who was very versed in public speaking, kind of start me off and prepare me for the stage and prepare me to speak to an audience.

And at the time I didn't know her importance.

I had no idea that was Malcolm X's wife, that was Miss Shabazz.

That's who she was to me and as when I got older someone said did you know that that's who that was?

And I was like, oh, my God, I had no idea.

So I'm very lucky that that's who started my grooming in terms of being able to present to an audience.

But I honestly think that my comfort in adulthood in speaking to...

Because then, you know, I went through all these things in childhood that killed my self-esteem, that made me less comfortable speaking to an audience, that made me nervous when I got on a stage.

You know, my uncle was very adamant about me memorizing stuff.

So my nervousness when I enter a stage is, do I remember everything?

I always question, and the truly messed up part now is that my memory is kind of trash right now.

And you know, when I used to rap, that was like my biggest nervousness.

I had a couple of performances where I blacked out and didn't know how it went.

I remember standing on stage in front of a full church and then putting me on a spot to rhyme and I said a bunch of gibberish.

And a couple of people, you know, there were people, it's church, right?

So there's people who was like, yeah, girl, I wasn't talking about nothing.

I had another performance at like a New Year's celebration at church and I had to rap and blacked out and forgot the lyrics and then freestyled it.

And that 1 actually turned out really well.

Like, but I still can't tell you what I said.

I just know that I was like, oh shit, I think I kind of killed that.

And the more I got through things in general, the more I survived in general, the more I started to believe in me and believe in my strength and believe that I was worthy of me, that I was worthy of having an audience, that whatever it is that I had to say, somebody wanted to hear it.

You may not wanna hear what I got to say, but the person next to you might.

The person standing behind you, the person in front of you, the person at the back of the room.

Somebody, whatever I got to say is for somebody.

You ever been in a room and they be like, somebody, well, if you ever been to church, you already know.

I don't know who need to hear this, right?

I don't know who needs to hear this, but right?

That message might not have been for you.

So you like, don't nobody need to hear that shit, whatever.

But somebody somewhere is connecting with that message and be like, you know what?

It relates to what I've been thinking about lately.

You don't know who that detail is for or whatever.

Like to stop trying to predict who was going to touch and where it's going to land.

I'm starting to enjoy the beauty of life without the prediction of just like, you know, where it's going to land, where it's going to land, it's going to go, where it's going to go.

I think my first real experience with that is the birth of my daughter.

She was my seventh pregnancy, my eighth child, no child that I was pregnant with prior to her had survived.

I cried when I found out I was pregnant because I had just lost my son 3 months before finding I was pregnant with her.

And I felt like, you know, I just wasn't ready.

I had lost twins earlier the year before.

And I felt like I wasn't ready to go through the loss again.

I really didn't fathom that this was going to be the time that a survivor was birthed through me.

I got about to the 6 month mark and released like half a breath because I was like, well, God forbid I go into preterm labor this time.

She has some chance of living outside of me.

She'll be in the hospital for a while, she'll need to gain weight, but she has a chance of survival and that's more than I could say for any of my previous pregnancies.

And I remember very distinctly in, you know, if you believe in God, if you don't, whatever, you could question me, I don't care.

But very distinctly, I was in the bathroom and something said to me, she's gonna be born when she's gonna be born and she's gonna be fine.

So, you know, of course I question, is that you, God?

Or is that my mind telling me, chill out?

Is that my internal voice trying to calm my anxiety?

Either way, like, it's necessary in order for me to proceed healthy.

But I have this saying, I always say time is our greatest profit.

When time passes, you can look back and say, okay, so this looks like this is what it was.

And I was like, well, you know, if she's born when she gonna be born and she fine, then I believe it's God.

If she not, then you know, it was just my way of getting through whatever I had to get through in order to make it to the next phase.

And you know, she's 8 years old now, thriving, breathing, nothing wrong with her.

She actually was born in her sack and had quite a few moments without oxygen.

So the chances of brain damage were really high, but she's fine, perfect in my eyes.

But that was my first experience of like, you know, it's going to be what it's going to be and it's going to be fine.

It was just, you know, and I had to, I prayed And I just was like, you know, God, I walk whatever path you put in front of me as I always have.

However, if I got to say, and that was my boldness.

I hadn't been accustomed to specifying my prayers to be so bold, to ask God for anything.

The way that I was brought up, especially because I had lost both my parents young and my aunt and uncle had to take me in, you know, I very much felt like the care of me was a favor.

It was not something that anybody had to do.

At times it felt like It was not something that anybody had to do.

At times it felt like it was not something that anybody really wanted to do, but it was a favor.

And so I always felt like I owed for my life, not God, but the people in my life.

I owe you for whatever because I don't deserve anything.

And that's how I was raised, that I don't deserve anything and everything I should be grateful for.

And anything that comes up in conflict, challenge, or discipline, there is something that I did to warrant it.

There's something that I may not know what it is.

There was a time where I used to be like, who the hell was I in a past life?

Cause God damn, I'm paying for that shit in this 1.

You know, trying to figure out the math of like, why me and Why does this have to go this way?

I don't have all the answers to those questions, but I stopped asking them because I stopped giving a fuck as to why, you know, what was me?

And I'm grown now and I have control of that.

I can create the atmosphere in which I wanna live in.

I can create the circles in which I have friends in.

I can choose not to tolerate ill treatment.

I can choose not to keep people around me that I have to question if you're for me or not.

You know, I may not have control over if you enter, but I can sure enough control when it's my time to leave.

And I could be, you know, I don't have to lay in the bed that I think I might've maybe some far off time might've made for myself.

And I think that's what started my confidence and made me more comfortable.

Once I had my daughter And I was like, I need to be better and build a better example.

And I don't want her to go through, forget about the outside challenges or the things that I went through, the events that happened that I lived through.

I pretty much was like, well, that's my story and it's not gonna be hers.

It was the feeling of being alone all the time.

It was all those things that I was like, I don't want that for her.

And in order, in my mind, in order for me not to pass that on to her, I had to find where I was comfortable and where I could assert my esteem.

I had to build a life that would make me comfortable and I could have self-esteem in.

And I had to shed away all the things that cut it that, that stabbed at that self-esteem, that tried to, you know, wear it away.

And I had, you know, sometimes it was family members who loved me dearly but didn't know how to talk to me without cutting me down.

You know, my slick mouth was always slick as a facade but now it was in protection of me to sometimes family members, to sometimes friends, to be like, I don't know who you talking to, but you not talking to me like that no more.

Like, I don't know who you talking to, but you ain't talking to me like that.

And sometimes it was a surprise, Like, well, I've been talking to you like that for forever.

So, you know, that's where my confidence started to kick in.

And I still think that in some realms it's still building.

I don't know if it'll ever stop building because there was so much damage to it and so much that needed to be done.

You know, I'm just starting to get confidence in the book world.

You know, I was very meek and very grateful for opportunities, not that you shouldn't be grateful, you should, but sometimes be grateful to the wrong people.

And I've learned to take it slow and seek out what it is that he has for me in this particular situation, whether it be good or bad.

What's here for me and what is it that you want me to give?

And I recognize that I have worth and I have value.

If I'm valuable to God, who would you to tell me I ain't valuable?

Who are you to tell me that I ain't worthy?

Not that that's God-like language, but, okay?

Who are you to tell me I have no value and I'm not worthy?

When he finds value and worth in me, are you crazy?

And I find like, you know, my writing, someone pointed out a girlfriend of mine who is also an author, she pointed out to me, I was writing a story and she read it.

She read the draft and she was like, this is really good.

And she was like, use very timid language.

You say things like, it may be something like kinda, sorta.

That helped me because to me, I didn't realize that my level of self-esteem was spilling out onto my page.

And it let me know that, okay, I got some work to do internally.

Because when I work it out internally, it'll spill out onto my page externally.

I feel like as a writer, I'm nowhere near my potential.

I have definitely not fulfilled my potential.

And if you've listened to my show, you realize that I'm kind of in a lag right now.

And I got about 7 or 8, I think it's up to 8 or 9 actually.

Don't know when I'm going to release a book.

My last book released 2 years ago was Savage Fever.

But I'm going through a transition where writing, I think, is going to be positioned very differently in my life.

For a very long time, it was my escape from trauma, and I do not live a trauma-filled life anymore.

And although I do believe writing has a place, I think that there's something spiritual going on with me, and writing is deciding where it will settle in my new spirit and my new life.

And I think that some of these stories that are partially written may not get written because my spirit may be done with that story and just like it doesn't reflect where I am now or I can't tell it in that same perspective because it doesn't reflect my way of thinking, my way of writing, or the aura that I even want to communicate.

And there may be some new stories being birthed.

There were some stories that I wrote that were pretty explicit that my ex-husband was like, you're basically writing porn.

And at the time I was really like heavy in the church and I decided not to write those things.

And you know, some of the new stories that I have are quite raunchy, but you know, I'm just accepting me and my process and my storytelling and where I go and what I do and not worrying about who is going to hold it up against the light and try to read through it and just write.

And I'm probably in a state of living right now, which is great because living is what gives the writing depth in my mind.

It gives it authenticity because I write what I know.

I write what I've experienced and some part of it is imagination, of course, because it is fiction, but it's built from experience.

It's built from what I've dreamt, from what I've experienced, from where I've walked, where I've gone, who I've loved, who has not loved me.

And I'm finding confidence in that, in saying it's okay to let things do what they do and let them be how they be.

I'm releasing the stress of trying to force something to happen.

I'm releasing the stress of trying to predict where things will land and how things will go.

And I think that whole thing there gives me a layer of confidence that I have not had before.

Because the trying to predict where we'll land, how we'll hit, where we'll go, how far it'll last, all that stuff, if this is it, this is not it, This is the right opportunity, not the right opportunity.

I think this will yield this kind of fruit.

For me, a lot of that creates self doubt and a lot of that creates an anxiousness of, ooh, is it going to do?

Is it going to and that, is it, is it not, for me, chips away at my confidence because I question.

And with questions comes doubt because I am a logical thinker and I think on both sides of the coin.

But releasing that and saying, hey, it's going to do what it do, I'm just going to do it because it's on my heart to do it.

You know, I'm going to do it to the best of my ability, but I'm going to let it take its time.

I'm not going to be confined to having to do 5,000 words in a day or 500 words an hour or making sure I write today and tomorrow.

You wanna be consistent, but I have so much going on that I have to respect what discipline looks like in my life.

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