How many signs do you need?! This week we’re switching things up with dating talk. Tune in to catch these nuggets & also hear from our special guest, Triston to get a guys perspective on what’s a heck no when dating. Send us a message https://anchor.fm/kay-jen/message

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Today's podcast, we're going to be sharing our thoughts and opinions on the topic around deal breakers.

But Before we get started, how are you doing Kayla?

I had a really long week, but I've just been chilling Friday.

Like last, yesterday evening, I was chilling.

Today I went to brunch and I'm just relaxing the rest of my Saturday.

Actually, I don't know if I sound a little bit like congested, I was sick for a couple of days and I had to take off from work, which was kind of nice to kind of just get some rest and recover from the other long weekend or.

But definitely feeling a lot better and just, it feels a lot Like you just appreciate being like healthy and in good condition so that you can have energy to do what you usually do.

It does sound like you're feeling better.

But I know we like to share our wins for the week.

So before we jump into the episode and y'all we have a special guest, my friend Tristan.

He's gonna give us a male perspective on deal breakers and bread plagues.

So, but before we get into that, 1 of my wins would be just relaxing.

Like last night, usually I've been on go every weekend.

I know it sounds boring, but I lit some candles and it was really therapeutic.

My win for this week, well, just a recent win, would definitely be that this morning, I get off work super late.

And so waking up at 930 for me is like, like that never happens.

So I set my alarm and I was kind of worried that I would just like turn it off and not realize but I committed to waking up early to be able to make it in time to our local park here in our town.

So I could take my daughter to the Easter egg hunt and she had a blast and it was just so cute.

Like they segregated all the kids based on age differential.

So it was super cute seeing all the kids like running around.

Just because last year COVID was still like yucky.

And honestly, she probably wouldn't have known.

So yeah, no, I don't think we would have made it to the Easter Egg Hunt last year.

OK, y'all, so we're going to jump right into this episode.

So I don't know if you guys have heard of the acronym.

It can be categorized differently, but the 1 I found was called SMART.

So It talks about, you know, just having the same, being in alignment with the person you're looking to date.

It deals with sex for the S, money, intangibles, religion, and kids.

So I guess I can start off with like 1 of my deal breakers would be definitely within the area of kids.

Like if you don't want kids, then that is just a no for me because I want a family.

I at least want 2 kids and I know I want a family.

I think I was just speaking in future tense.

I was like, OK, OK, I'm missing something.

I could go for twins the first round, get it 1 and done.

That's what I'm talking about right there.

So what if like, you don't have any kids, but you find this like ideal guy and he already has 2 kids.

Does that check your boxes or would you still want to have 2 of yours or would you still feel like you would want to have 1 of your like own own?

Like that would be a deal breaker for me.

I'm not judging anyone who has, you know, 3 and 4 kids, but Me personally not having any, I can't do more than 2.

And you have to have a good, healthy relationship with your child's mom.

I can't deal with the crazy baby mamas and the jealous baby mamas.

So that definitely would be a deal breaker.

Like if the relationship wasn't cool and y'all couldn't co-parent and it was a bunch of drama, I couldn't do it.

So I know, Do you have any deal breakers around like, okay, like starting with the first 1, the S is sex, like, is that what would be a deal breaker as far as how often you wanted to have sex?

Like if someone, okay, if a guy was like, well, you're, you're in a relationship, so I guess I can tailor towards that.

Like, so if your boyfriend, now boyfriend was like, yeah, I want to have sex like 5 times a week.

I just don't even know if we can like fit that schedule in with like him working full time, me full time and then having a toddler.

Like that is a lot for him to ask me, but probably when we first started dating, that wasn't an issue, but definitely we're in a different pace now that like we're both working full time and we have our daughter, like you just, honestly, we're just, we get home from work and we're just like burned out or like we just just sometimes we don't and that's okay.

Like it's just part of like being with somebody, you know, it's not, I don't know, it's not something that I like ask for versus him.

We have a pretty good dynamic when it comes to that aspect.

But definitely I do think that sex plays a big part.

Like I couldn't be with someone that I just didn't like I couldn't.

Or like being with someone who like if I wanted to that would just be like lazy about it.

So that's a deal breaker for you like lousy.

And that would be something I guess that you could like, have to like see for yourself like in the long run because you when you're having sex with someone, I mean, hopefully it's someone that you're thinking of being long-term if it's a serious relationship.

So it wouldn't be something you would probably learn to find out until like, time goes by, like, okay, it's like, it's not getting any better or whatever.

But it's not like someone you can physically just know the facts, you know, you gotta, you gotta test it out, I guess, to be able to tell if the sex is going to be good or not.

I don't know if it'd be like, as far as priority about deal breakers, I don't think that would be my top priority or my top things that I'd look for.

The 1 thing that I feel like whenever we talked about this, like when we talked about this and brainstormed, the first thing that came to my mind was like someone that's just like a comfortmess, like just wants to, like is content with what they have or has no ambition to continue to progress, whatever, like in today's society, like everybody, you know, lots of people want to be entrepreneurs and they're super passionate about that.

And regardless if you succeed or not just the fact that you're trying and you have that ambition to want to progress like I respect that versus someone that I don't know just I mean I don't just doesn't want anything but

Yeah I gotta have a I was gonna say um sorry I mean I was just gonna say, you gotta have like a goal digger, like goals, like you gotta have, if you're that goal-oriented person, you wanna have someone that's gonna push you and that you push them to better themselves, challenge themselves.

Tristan, you want to chime in with the, with the, you have any thoughts about, I guess, keeping PG.

I guess, I guess, I guess you, with me with the sex part, like, don't get me wrong, like, I work full time.

So there'd be weeks where I'll just be like, yo, I just don't feel like being bothered.

But then like this times where I just, you know what I'm saying?

And that's people on the weekend, like, you know, but it comes with a territory.

And you gotta respect your partner and be like, oh, like if you burnt out, you just burnt out.

But everybody knows like working now is it's crazy because everybody's trying to work 40 hours plus.

it's not it's not cheap anymore living like I mean even though like Faye they're like just to rent an apartment in Faye there's like 9 something a month so you got to make up the difference you know so you got so if you got to work overtime just to make up the difference, then you just burnt out for a week, you know?

would be in that area, would be a deal breaker.

that you- I'm not gonna say it's a deal breaker, but I will say it's a territory thing.

Like it'd be 1 of those territory things.

I'm not going to say it's a deal breaker.

You know, because anybody can get lit and just, you know, want to do whatever, but a sober mind during the week.

So I was going to say, I guess that made me think about, I guess, the intangibles part.

So in the acronym, that's the I, just personality and pet peeves.

Like that would be a top deal breaker for me.

Like if someone kind of like, it ties into what you were saying, Jen, like their personality, if they didn't mesh and I'm like, I'm this goal oriented person.

And if like, I would share, if I share my dreams and aspirations with them and goals and my plans and my side hustles, and they're just like, that's cool.

I would be Like, dang, like I don't need your support, but like in a partner, if your personality is just not outgoing and fun like me, it, no, I'm too funny and goofy to, you know, like be with someone who's not on that level or who can mellow me out, but also like support me.

So I guess personality would be 1 of them, you know, and just talking about like how you were saying, Tristan, like just as like a mindset thing with, you know, we're working, you got, we got side hustles, everybody's on their, you know, on their grind.

So that would be a pet peeve for me, a pet peeve and like a personality thing, as far as a deal breaker, someone who, who's just like, they don't have their mindset together.

I just feel like at this point where we are in our lives, like we don't have time for that.

Maybe like we were in like high school or like even college, like nobody knows what they're doing.

At least I personally didn't like I, I felt like I was in that space, you know, but definitely I had my dreams and my goals, but I didn't have my, my shit together.

So I'm glad that like, now that, you know, it's been years, like I have a more clear vision of what it is that I want with the person that I'm gonna, you know, spend my life with or spend years with.

So I guess, like, get it into, like, you know, we have the deal breakers and things like that.

So I feel like it might not be a deal breaker, but like it's definitely something to look at when you're dating.

It's like, I remember we talked about religion.

Like, I remember you asked me, you know, could I be with someone who wasn't, you know, religious or didn't go to church, like for me.

Yeah, because I know that you are like very dedicated and and like I know you share like like how important it is to you.

And that's why I had asked, I'm like, what if the person that you find like this, like Prince Charming, but he's not religious?

and I don't think it's about religion, like, but it'd be a red flag if they're like, oh, what God, you know, there ain't no God.

I'd be like, no, because I go to church, you know, that's my relationship.

And I don't knock anybody for having their own relationship or not having a relationship with God.

But for me, like my faith is important to me.

So it definitely be a red flag if someone was

And like I said, I don't knock anyone because I had a friend.

I really I have a really good friend who she actually she was a theist and she converted to Christianity.

She got involved with her and now she has a Christian book.

Like she's I mean, she completely like she went from atheist to Christian.

Yeah, but like to me, my faith is important.

And at least at least the person would have to be like spiritual and not not on weird stuff.

Like, I mean, not saying it's weird, but like people get weird with spiritual things and they, you know, talk about the universe and energies and stuff.

That's not the energy and the universe and the space and all this stuff.

So some things is God, But like, I mean, I don't not do spiritual part.

As long as you can have an understanding and there's a respect, then I'm cool.

And if you're willing, I guess that's where I'm getting at.

If you're willing to go to church or at least be open and respect my faith and I have a, you know, you know, respect for you then It could be it could be talked about but it just that can get tricky.

Mean my point of view with that is like like me my parents.

They raised me in a church like every day we want to church, you know, say, but when I got to a certain age, it was like, Yo, mom, I don't want to go to church.

Like, why we always got to go there like and I didn't understand you know but at the same time like I don't understand fully like don't get me wrong like I'm a Christian you know saying I believe in God but I just don't understand everything And I think that's where a lot of people start getting confused and misguided because they don't understand.

Me personally, I don't go to church every day.

I mean, you know me personally, I cuss like there's no tomorrow and I think that's because of like I went from being like a civilian to being a soldier and the situations I've been in it causes you to cuss you know saying And I've had people that tells me like, yo, like, you can't be a Christian because you cuss like a sailor.

But at the same time, it's like, you gotta understand.

But here's the crazy part about it is like I watched like, it's a show called Ghost Adventures.

I watched paranormal activity and stuff like that.

Cause I'm wondering like, how can this be 1 thing but this shows a whole nother thing?

That's where people have a lot of questions.

Like, where do you go from being in the, like your body is dying, but where does your soul go to?

And people think that some people just stuck here on earth because they don't know they're dead or they don't, they're just not ready to go.

And then, you know, I mean, I can tell you like 2 stories, you know, where I've came close to being gone.

And I've seen the other side, I've seen both sides.

And that's kind of like, like to touch back on what you were saying about the goal oriented thing.

Like If you tell me, oh, I'm about to go do this at a third, I'm kind of like, yeah, okay, cool.

Like, I'm kind of drawing back because I'm not always up there like, oh yeah, babe, go ahead.

But me personally, me telling you, okay, do your thing.

I'm gonna sit back and watch you do your thing because I want you to be successful.

Whatever you got going on, I want you to focus on it.

So I may come off as dry about it, but that's not really my intention.

And I've heard a lot of couples say like, or even like, yeah, like couples or like people dating, you know, I believe that, you know, your dream, like someone's dream is their dream for them.

So like, you know, I've dated someone who wasn't, yeah, they weren't, they weren't like necessarily not supporting me, but they weren't like, they were just like, okay, yeah, whatever.

But at the same time I've grown to realize like, okay, yeah, that's my dream.

So I'm gonna do my side hustle, do whatever I got to, you know, to get it done.

So I think that's where that growth part comes in.

But yeah, I mean, it definitely gets deep with, you know, like, you know, religion and, you know, differences and, you know, when you're dating, you just trying to, you want to find someone to mesh with you.

So that's, that's where I, that's where I like the little acronym.

Cause it, it categorizes all areas that you're looking at to see if, you know, they're a match or see if, you know, they're interested in someone you'd be interested in.

But Jen, do y'all have any red flags, or you Tristan, any red flags where you're like, about to go on a date with someone or like you, your first, like a date with someone.

Like y'all have any experiences where you're like, uh-uh, red flag.

Okay, I guess a very general, like a first date.

I remember when I was in like freshman or whatnot, I think in my beginning of my sophomore year, like I think we were about to start like our like the school year and you know they give you a couple of days before the actual first day of class starts, I remember like, we're just walking down, I feel like you were with me, Kayla, I don't know, I could be lying.

But like this guy just came up to me, and was like, asking me if we could just take a little walk around campus.

And I was, you know, like, I was like, single.

And I was like, you know, like, I guess I didn't have anything to lose and I thought it was kind of cute so I was like okay.

So, I just started walking with a guy and like at first it was very charismatic but like I didn't even text him back like he got my number.

I didn't text him back because I probably shouldn't get my number.

But like the whole time, like he was just talking about himself and like how great of a person he is and Like if I got like maybe 1 sentence in that might've been like too much if to be honest, like the whole like 20, 30 minute walk, like you just talk about him.

So like super cocky guy, like I just couldn't handle it.

Like I'm like, I just wanted it to be over with.

Cause it wasn't like, we weren't conversating.

Like he was just talking up everything like I would just be like just nodding my head and I think I remember I was just nodding my head I don't even know like if he was asking me a question like it was just that bad like someone that's just so self like like the world revolves around them I couldn't do something like that.

Like freshman year was so long ago, but I was like, I remember that, like, and that definitely is like, red flag.

Yeah, I feel like you were like, somebody was like, yeah, do it, do it.

I mean, you were always like that 1 person like rooting for me to like get out of my comfort zone.

And I think that was kind of like, okay, I'll do it.

But yeah, I mean, that is definitely a red flag.

But like, um, like self-absorbed, like, dude, homie, are you even interested in me?

And then the other 1 I want to like pretty well, I guess they kind of tie together, but like the red flag would be with like not, I don't, I can't, I haven't experienced this and hopefully I don't, but like, let's say like I were to be single and like somebody didn't want me to like have Emma around or like we're be totally different when my daughter was around or something or something like that.

I mean, like I come with a package like you're like we're together with my daughter or we're not at all like, You know, I would never put a man over my daughter for sure.

And then the other 1, I would say definitely someone that's not a family person like Kayla, I know you you know me and like Family is super important to me.

And every time I can't like spend time with family or just, I'm not saying we have to all the time, but like if there's an event or like my mom's inviting us a random Sunday, if he might not want to go, but like him having issue visiting my family, like that would probably be a red flag.

I'm like, Oh, I don't know about this guy.

I think I touched up on the ones that definitely I couldn't just, we wouldn't work out.

I mean, because like me, I come from a very broken household.

So family is like very like far few in between.

Like my mom, she left me to go be with her boyfriend.

When I was like 14, my mom and dad divorced when I was 12.

And my dad, he just kind of like wrote it off.

Like, he don't want nothing to do with us if he can't be with my mom, whatever.

So my mom left to go be with her boyfriend, so I'll be put in foster care.

And my sisters took me in before they was, you know, saying before they threw me in the system or whatever.

So family is not really a big thing to me.

Like, if 1 of y'all was invited to 1 of y'all family things, I'm kind of like, uh, I don't know.

I don't know how to, everyone's like, hey, how you doing?

I don't want to get that attachment to you because I don't know what's gonna happen in the long run.

I would definitely be somebody that you're like trying to be with on the long run, but like would you be open to the idea like maybe a person that is super family oriented would be somebody that you might need to like they can like, you know, so that you can get an experience that maybe like because of everything that happened in your past, like you said, like your upbringing was like a lot different than mine for sure.

But like if you were to be with someone that is super family oriented, maybe you could get a little taste of like what it is to have like that family unity.

Cause that's what I had to solve and I've known my whole life.

I can honestly say that like, that's a funny situation.

Like don't get me wrong, I would definitely be open-minded to it.

Like, if they were like, hey, yo, like my mom's having this big family reunion or whatever, I'll be like, okay, cool.

Like I will definitely go, but I was definitely staying my, I was staying my little boundary because my whole thing is that if I'm talking to you or I'm trying to, you know what I'm saying, build something with you, I gotta be like, I have rules.

Like if I can't see myself with you within like 10 years, I don't want nothing to do with you.

If I can't see myself, you know what I'm saying?

Having a family with you, I don't want nothing to do with you.

So for me to put my effort in, into at least attempt to try, that means that you have something that I like and I can see us growing together.

Like I have 3 rules, Like it's a 3 rule that I had.

You know, you gotta have, you gotta have a job, you gotta have your own place, or you gotta have your own car.

If you don't have 2 out of 3, I don't want to talk to you.

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“WTF” (What the Flag) - Red Flags & Deal Breakers while dating)