No is a complete answer. Tune in to hear how we balance our no and yes’. It’s important to have a healthy amount of no and be okay with that. Send us a message https://anchor.fm/kay-jen/message

Hey y'all, it's your okay back with another episode coming to you from Greensboro and I'm here with Jen.

Hey y'all and I'm coming to y'all from I'm coming to y'all from the Shenandoah Valley up in Virginia in the mountains.

Why did you laugh when you said Shenandoah?

I don't know because it's like in the cut like it sounds like it's fancy but it's just

it is you up in the mountains you got caves up there but anyway we're gonna um jump into our episode um today we're coming to you talking about say no, like that is complete answer the word no.

So it's okay to say no, we're going to be discussing, you know, the guilt with saying no, because there's always that guilt.

You know, we do say no, we're also going to discuss a little bit about your yes, you know, and the balance between having a healthy amount of no's and a healthy amount of yeses.

But before we jump right into it, Jean, how is your Monday going?

I, like usual, I had written down on my agenda like how my day was going to be and it's been super productive.

I already did the meal prepping for the week.

I actually had, I know I actually had some extra time and I'm going down to Texas.

So I decided to go to TJ Maxx with Emma and I just bought some little sun dresses and then I took her to the park and then I made my way back here and now I'm talking to you.

Yeah, I was gonna say really quick, that's definitely a nice little getaway, big old state of Texas.

But my Monday was like actually really long.

Like I had some kind of like, just stressful situation, not really with work, just personally, I'm not going to get into it.

But like just just some mental, you know, I had to definitely take my own advice with keeping a healthy, positive attitude, because there was some things that were going on and I'm just like, okay, I'd already decided to have a good Monday.

So I just kept a good attitude, you know, even though it was like a lingering thing that was still bothering me.

I just, you know, kept my attitude positive.

And then I was like really excited to do this episode, because when it comes with like trying to balance career, personal life, relationships, friendships, like all of it, you have to have your healthy amount of no.

And then, you know, it's okay to say yes, but your yes is expensive.

So I guess I want to kick it off with that.

Like, you know, your yes can cost you your time.

You know, you when you say yes, something you're you're making a commitment.

So you have to make sure you're available.

Um, do you how do you feel like, you know, you balance your yes and no's?

Or do you feel like it's something you can work on?

For me, learning to say no has definitely been an opportunity for me.

It's definitely a challenge because I don't want to say I'm a people pleaser but it's like the people that I have that are close to me It's really hard for me to say no to them.

So that is definitely something that I need to work on.

I guess I can go ahead and like share something that I'm still working on is, it's work related.

I started working at a, I moved to a new job like in 2020 and I was trying to prove myself so hard.

And it was because of COVID and they were short managers and they had me covering, I work nights, Tuesday through Friday, and they were asking me to cover the weekend shifts, which was Saturday, Sunday, Monday, which would mean like not seeing- And

Sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off, but that is rough.

Like it was, yeah, it's the hours are brutal like it's from 6P to 6A and I was just starting out like I was a fresh operations manager and they asked me if I could help cover because they were short managers COVID had hit and like nobody was wanting to or I don't know it and I don't think it's gotten really that much better, but they've always had a need for operations managers.

And me being me, I was like, well, I'm brand new.

I ended up like getting scheduled to work my first Mother's Day on the weekend shift, which wasn't even my weekend shift.

And like, I was so sad because I was like, I don't need, I shouldn't have had said yes to this.

It was a Sunday and I'm covering for a different shift, which I was, I absolutely hated, like leaving at 6 in the morning and like the sun's out, like something about that is just not natural.

Like mad respect to anybody who works like late night shifts because that was really hard.

I don't say yes as much I'm willing to cover, but if it's Tuesday through Friday, like daylight, that all works in the morning to 4 p.m.

Tuesday through Friday, but I need my weekends off.

Like I need to see the only people that I have here, which is pretty much Angel and Emma.

So I finally said no a couple of weeks ago.

They asked me to cover, they're like, well, we'll give you Wednesday and Thursday, but you can work Saturday and Sunday and I'm thinking to myself, no, how is that a deal?

First off, I'm working 2 extra hours on the weekend keys per shift and I'd rather work a Wednesday and a Thursday than Saturday and Sunday.

And I mean, I hope they didn't take it wrong and hopefully it doesn't bite me in the butt later on because I said no to my boss, but I just straight up said, no, I'm not available.

Like you don't come to me 3 days before and then ask me to cover and then tell me it's like a deal.

Like, oh, I'll give you this day, but work these days, like no.

And this Mother's Day, I was like, you know, I'm a mother now and I didn't get to celebrate myself last year, so that's another reason why I'm going to Texas to see my friend, obviously, but I was feeling a little guilty also to go to Texas because I'm like, oh, it's Mother's Day.

Like my mom's in North Carolina and I really want to be there.

But then I thought about like me, like how bad last year had went and I didn't get to celebrate my first Mother's Day.

And I'm like, next time I want to do something with Emma that I won't ever forget.

And I know that I won't forget this experience going to Texas with Emma.

So like, you know, you definitely want to cherish those moments.

And, you know, maybe you can definitely do something the weekend after, you know, like coming down to visit your mom and take her out or something.

But I definitely understand like how even when it comes to family, like, you know, making that choice for yourself, you can feel a little bit of guilt, like, you know, you're choosing yourself.

I think That's like a big thing with, you know, that guilt, that guilt trip we have, guilt trip we give ourselves.

And then the thing with, excuse me, the thing with careers, or like with jobs, they will try you.

Yeah, and they'll do it as much as you let them.

So like, kudos to you, like I'm proud of you for saying no, like and what are they going to do for you?

Like, you're a good worker, like, you know, you're a boss, so they can go ask somebody else 3 days before you know, they want to work that shoe.

And then it's like, they're probably going to get a no.

So, you know, they're just going to go to the next person who either doesn't have plans or wants extra money to sacrifice.

And then, you know, that person will say yes.

But, you know, jobs will always try it if you let them.

And I guess I can speak on that with like my career, like when it came to choosing, you know, even before I got into this new role that I started in January, like last year in January, when I started with the company that I'm with, you know, I had it written down.

And so I always, you know, like, I guess I can encourage someone, you know, like, if you're trying to make a decision, you know, write it down and make it plain, because I always go back and forth, like, oh, is this the right decision?

You know, you always battle with yourself.

So 1 is trusting the instinct, but the other thing is like writing it down and make it make it plain.

Like, you know, I, you know, I'm not going to get all biblical, but the you know, I'm, you know, I study, you know, my word, and go off of scriptures and try to live by them as much as I can as far as God is.

So, you know, the Bible talks about writing the vision and making it plain.

So like when I decided to go with my company, I was like, you know, I'm tired of job hopping.

You know, I want a career that I can actually build in, not just a job.

And so, I'm like, this job needs to have this and this.

And then I wanted like a, not necessarily like a faith-based company, but I wanted a company that had values and like that actually cared about, you know, helping grow.

So when I looked on their website, like make a long story short, they had, um, like 1 of their stewards or like models that they go by, it's like, trusting God with everything that that we have, and to steward over.

And I was like, yeah, this is the company.

Like I had already made it plain, put it in my vision board, like put it right.

When it down on paper that I want it X, Y, and Z.

Um, and I actually had a dream, like I had a dream that I was signing like a big contract And it was like a, I wouldn't say it was my dream job, but it's definitely like, it was a career.

Like I just, and I didn't know in the dream who, you know, what company it was, but I just knew that, you know, at the time that I was signing the contract, it was gonna be the company that I had prayed for and that I had made the right choice about.

And so I say all that to say, you'll know with your instinct if something doesn't feel right, if it's a career or a job that's just trying to throw money at you, or trying to throw like a fancy schedule, oh, we'll give you this and all these great benefits, but you really have to look deep down into the, you know, what the company is made out of.

So, you know, if they hadn't had those things that were checked off on my list, it would have been no and I just would have kept looking.

But that's just a tip like when it comes to careers and finding like a job or making a decision if you, you know, have prayed about it or maybe, you know, if you're not a person who, you know, prays and seeks God, you know, if you've set it in your mind that you want to do something and that's not happening, then say no.

I guess the go-to is if you don't have peace about it, then say no.

And also like, I feel like we have something subconsciously, like it's in your gut.

Like it'll, something in your like stomach, like that's where all your, like what, like your nervous system is at.

So like That gut feeling that tells you, I remember back in college, I'm like, I'm going to say no.

I had to say no so many times, but some of those times where you are tempted and something tells

you tells you and then you're there and you're not having a good time or something bad happens and then you're like I should have said no like I should have listened but back then it

was even harder to say no because you're young and you're like F it I'm going so yeah I remember this happened a lot I don't know about you but I mean even recently like I remember me and you had a conversation and we were on the phone and you were like, I don't know if I should go or not.

So when you're like kind of on the fence and you're not like a hundred percent in the mood, it's like, it's best that you don't go.

And I remember me encouraging you like, yeah, just stay.

Like you kind of needed somebody, like some reassurance.

And I remember you saying, I'm glad I didn't go because XYZ.

It was definitely, I know we kind of help each other out in that sense because I mean even today like I know me and you talked about like what was going on today and and you know just setting those boundaries and you you giving me that advice to do that you know I feel like we both understand each other and and we help each other in terms of helping each other like boosting each other to be able to say no because like like I said before it's kind of hard for it is hard for me to say no because I don't want to make other people feel uncomfortable and I don't want the people that I love to feel some type of way.

But sometimes, you know, you need that peace of mind and you need to set boundaries, even if that includes like your family.

So I do thank you, Kayla, because I know you're always an ear And every time I need a vent or something, you're always there.

Like, you know, and that was just such a relief that weekend where I, cause like really my body needed to rest and I just needed to relax and be

And Mello wasn't mad at me because I was leaving back out on the weekend.

Like, you know, he likes walks on the weekends and just to be around me because I'm gone mostly during the week.

And so like when I decided not to go, you know, out that Saturday, it was definitely a big relief.

Like, so you have to have, you know, a healthy amount of no's.

Like, it's okay to say yes, but when you make that investment or that commitment, you know, you need to stick with it as far as, you know, saying yes to something, but you can, I guess what I'm trying to say is like you can invest your yes into something that doesn't matter?

So that's, you know, the whole point of me saying, you know, have a healthy amount of no's, you know, and be okay with it.

Because you can, like you were saying earlier, like be a people pleaser, and I'm guilty of that too.

And you can say yes to please somebody else.

And then, you're investing that time or that energy or availability that you really don't have to something that doesn't even matter.

So, if that friend or someone wants to go out to eat and you're trying to save money that weekend or you're just tired and you're like, you know, I'm going to stay home and cook or, you know, something like that.

Or I'm going to have a movie night, you know, that same restaurant would be there.

And if anyone guilt trips you like to, you know, when you try to say no, and you know, especially if it's a friend, and that's definitely not a friend, like, yeah, have that healthy balance where you say, you know, sorry, no, that that's that weekend.

And that's how you, or that's not this weekend.

And that's how you know, like who your true friends are.

You know, when your yes is too convenient for them.

That's why I only have like 3 friends because they're the only ones.

3 friends because they understand like sometimes I just can't.

Like when I go to North Carolina, like sometimes people hit me up and like, I'm, I have like my days counted and like I go to see family, like, if I tell them in advance, like I'll hit them up like, hey, do you want to do something that's different, but like, sometimes they'll text me and I'm in the middle of dinner with my family or something.

I'm like, no, I'm sorry, like I'm tied up with my family.

Like they understand, which is why I love obviously my friends and the 2 or 3 friends that I have, they understand me.

So I definitely feel that because the people, the friends, like quote unquote friends that get mad or like say something under their breath because you say no, those aren't the ones that are your genuine friends.

So those are also some flags to look out of who your circle is or who you're around.

And do you ever feel, well, Chris, I know we hit on this, but you know, when you feel guilty, like when you say no, like, do you have that feeling?

Like, what are your, like, I guess, 2 things that you feel when you say no?

Well, for example, back when I was in college, I was staying at like A&T campus and I lived about an hour, hour 15 away from my parents.

And I remember when I was a freshman, like they would always reach out to me to say, like, if I wanted to go over there for dinner, they could pick me up, XYZ.

And when I would say no, like I just, I felt like this heaviness, like, like I felt really heavy because honestly I wasn't doing anything that that was like maybe not over being with my family, but at the same time I was trying to live that college experience and like growing a circle of friends and I was really enjoying like my weekends like whatever on campus or honestly not even partying because I didn't even do that freshman year really but we would like study in the library and whatnot like I'm like no well I can't because I know like I told um my um classmates that I was going to meet them at the library from this time to this time.

And then I'd feel like super guilty if I were to leave 1 or the other down.

So once I like have something scheduled out, like I give my respect to myself and I'm like, no, I already, I already set a time to go study and I would tell my parents that and obviously they would understand.

But in a sense, I felt like it's a mixture of feeling like kind of like heavy, like I felt heavy because I don't want them to feel down, like I don't want them to feel like I'm letting them down, but at the same time I felt really, they obviously understood, but I feel like a little bit of guilt, but whenever I did what I ended up doing instead of being with my family, like I studied instead of getting dinner with my family.

I felt super proud of myself because my parents, number 1, understood, and 2, I studied and I felt a lot more ready for a test.

So yeah, at the end of the day, like, yeah, you do feel kind of like bad in the moment, but after you say no, because you rather do what you had already planned or even just relax, like you feel so much better.

Like I listened to my instincts or thank God that I stuck to what I wanted to do in the first place.

I'd be all like stressed out and then in a mood.

So I'd rather just save all that trouble and just say no from the start.

And I was going to say it definitely leads to another thing.

Like when you don't say no, like you, it just leads to another thing.

Like so say if you had a, you know, went out and hung out, then you wouldn't have been prepared for your test.

Noble would have been like, oh, you didn't study.

You know, it just would have led to 1, you know how he used to get, like it would have led 1 thing to another.

Noble, if you're listening, I don't know if you listen to Apple Podcast, but you never know, but like shout out to you, you always made us study and we appreciate it because

He molded me into the, I don't know, student I became.

I definitely had a pivot in my career or my school career.

Being in Club Bluford instead of like Club Green Street.

Like we called the library that we studied at Club Bluebird cause we'd be in there, it's like 1, 02:00 in the morning, falling asleep, partying, like not partying in the library.

But 1 time we almost got kicked out cause we were laughing so hard.

I don't know if it's cause we were sleepy and running off of like no sleep but it was

so loud at the freaking library at 2 in the morning.

I know because and then our test was like the next day and we were like okay like we've got to call it a night, but there is definitely a guilt with saying no.

So like with me, I definitely feel that guilt and you know, there's that fear with fear of missing out.

Like I've heard, I don't know if you ever heard the term FOMO, um, but it's like, you're missing out.

Um, but then you have to just analyze and realize like, am I really missing out?

Or is it something that, you know, it's really doesn't matter.

And then people, you know, you have that guilt when you say no of letting someone down, but you have to look out for yourself.

And then there's like things and opportunities.

So whether it's like a career or I don't know, like a purse you want, like even making it like just simple, you know, like when you're trying to save money going out to eat, you know, and when those are like some of the simpler notes, but like the bigger ones where it comes to like big life decisions, there is that guilt of saying no, But you know what I've learned, I was listening to a podcast called, I think it's called Balance the Balance Room.

It was the 1 I sent you, but it's an Apple podcast, it was really good.

And it was Pastor Tere Roberts and Sarah Jakes Roberts.

And they were just saying, you know, God is in the know.

So, you know, if you make that decision and it's a no from either God or from, you know, just him saying not right now or you make the decision and you say, you know, no, this isn't the right time and, you know, you still have that peace.

And you know, if you're spiritual, you know, God is always with you in, in whatever decision you make.

And if it's not the right decision, the right 1 will come along.

And then, I guess for people who, cause I don't wanna talk all the spiritual, even though that's the standpoint I come from, someone who's maybe not as spiritual or doesn't know that journey, you know, there's still that timing.

So if you say no to something or if the answer, you know, the door is closed, another 1 opens.

So yeah, I mean it definitely, it's you know, it's a lot.

So you know, having that balance of you know, no, sorry, I can't and then not explaining yourself like, Like I was saying at the beginning of the episode, no is a complete answer.

And I'm still learning that, but I've, you know, I've been practicing it.

You know, like if someone asks me something, I'm like, no.

And it doesn't have to be like a, like a, I wouldn't say the B word.

This is click like I just feel like I just had deja vu or something because I remember like if we ever did something, typically I'd be the 1 saying like I like we'd make plans and I'd be the 1 to back down or whatever but if you ever told me no back when we were in college, like, you had to send me a paragraph, and go into detail of everything of why you can't.

But, but now, like, I feel like you have grown, like, you don't, at least with me, you don't do that anymore.

You really haven't had to tell each other no, but I mean we're so much more understanding of each other where we come from.

Like I remember back in the day like I didn't want to go out because I was with like my ex and you'd like try to like come on let's go have fun.

I still be like no, but now we have like we're so much in a different space now that if you ask me to do something and I say no, like you won't ever bug me or if I were to hey, let's do this and you're like, hey, I can't you don't go into like a 30 page text message.

Or even like, like last night, like we were going to try to get the episode knocked out the way, you know, pre-recorded.

But, you know, I just had a lot going on and I was like, no, sorry, let's stick with Monday.

And I really went to be like, well, this happened, this happened, this happened, this happened.

And I'm just like, nope, I don't need to explain your understanding.

And I physically could not do it yesterday.

I just couldn't, like my body was like, go to bed, you know, like get in the shower, lay down and go to bed.

Like I was I have and I didn't even do a lot yesterday, but I still know that, you know, I had a I wouldn't have had the energy.

I probably would have been just, you know, tired and yawning on the, on the episode.

Y'all don't want to hear an episode like that.

So, you know, I'd rather come energized and it definitely has the benefits of like, you have that reward when you do say, you know, no, sorry, the dog is like, he's upset, but you have that reward when you do say no, you feel so much better because you listen to your instinct or your body just saying, you know, no rest and your body will tell you like you can make yourself sick by, you know, just going, going, going.

And I've had to learn that too with like rebalancing and reprioritizing my time and, you know, just tasks I'm doing because you know, work is a full-time job in itself.

So trying to do side hustles and extracurricular activities, it definitely has to be a balance with you know, no and you know, I don't ever want to be the jack of all trades and not have a handle on anything.

I want to bring my best foot forward with everything.

What do you think you say no, like, what circle do you think that you had to say no more to, like, work or like family, friends, or relationships slash situations shifts?

Like, what do you catch yourself saying more to?

I think like myself, like, yeah, like, right now, because like, I'm in my career now.

So and I don't really work with a team where I have coworkers, you know, asking me to do things.

I kind of, I do my work and get it done and go home.

So I'm not really gonna say career, but really like myself, like with self-doubt and like trying to second guess or like question, you know, my instinct after like 10 months, I was like, no, you, you know, you know what you want to do, you know, you know, the instinct that you have, so trust it.

So I guess that comes with like trusting your gut feeling, trusting your instinct.

Yeah, I mean, that's definitely kind of threw you a curve ball there, but like right now it's not, I wouldn't say it's like career or relationships or even my family because my mom just started a new job, you know, my sister lives by herself and she's, you know, in her career.

So I haven't really had to tell them, you know, Well, actually, I would say just recently, like they wanted me, my mom and my sister wanted me to come to Raleigh, and it's not far, but it's far enough.

And I was like, they wanted to go to lunch.

They're like, oh, we're meeting up with our cousin.

I was like, no, you know, gas and, you know, I'm like, that's for a drive and I plan on coming on Sunday back up there.

So I'm like, that's a lot of back and forth.

And I was like, you know, maybe next weekend.

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Journey to saying no - guilt free