Lie to yourself to have a better life!

In this new episode Steven sits down for a second time with world renowned therapist and founder of Rapid Transformational Therapy, Marisa Peer. 

Starting in 1984, Marisa has worked as a hypnotherapist and psychotherapist for over 30 years. During this time she has worked with rock stars, CEOs, Olympic athletes, royalty, and Oscar-winning actors. To make her life changing techniques of hypnosis and hypnotherapy available to everyone, Marisa founded the award-winning Rapid Transformational Therapy. She is also the best selling author of six books helping readers with everything from weight loss to confidence. 

In this conversation Marisa and Steven discuss topics, such as:

Why you should constantly choose and question your beliefs 

Why you should lie to yourself 

How your mind’s job is to make your thoughts real 

The rules of how the mind works

Why you don’t need to change events but change the way you think about events

How you act according to the way you define yourself 

How having or not having erections is based on what you think

The damage that porn is causing 

How porn is impacting sex lives

Why people have affairs 

The difference between intimacy and eroticism

The power of fantasy on relationships 

Re-finding the thrill in a relationship

The most common sex problems in relationships 

The importance of bringing a feeling of newness into relationships 

When you can’t say something, your body will say it 

Why there will never be a person that meets all your needs

Choosing your battles and arguments in a relationship

The need to be proactive when looking for love

Why you should make a list to find love

The importance of knowing you are worthy of love 

Why you should put yourself around people you want to be with 

How people can sense your level of self worth

Why you should find self worth internally rather than externally 

How what you learn is what you live 


You can purchase Marisa’s most recent book, ‘Tell Yourself a Better Lie’, here: https://bit.ly/3RkEuqY 

Follow Marisa:
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My new book! 'The 33 Laws Of Business & Life' is out now: https://smarturl.it/DOACbook

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There's only 3 things wrong with every person that turns up at your door.

Marissa Peer, the worldwide renowned therapist.

From royalty international superstars, CEOs and Olympic athletes, this woman definitely knows a thing or 2000 about how we take control of our thoughts.

but it also damages so many people because if you're thinking I'm not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, your mind's job is to make your thoughts real, even if it's not true.

my clients couldn't conceive because their

husband didn't have enough sperm but when men have sex with a stranger they triple their sperm count and porn really damages so many people because it's an impossible expectation to live up to.

So many people have affairs, not because they don't love their partner, but because they're missing out.

But it's all about what you have chosen to believe.

And the other thing that people do a lot, it really messes up your sex life to call your partner mommy or daddy because...

It's the feeling you felt when you couldn't have it.

And you can give yourself the feeling without the thing anyway.

Should I hypnotize you so we can change it?

Close your eyes and here's the magic sentence that changes your life.

In this episode Marissa hypnotizes me to completely end my sugar cravings and you're gonna see it happen and you're gonna find out if it works So stick around Marissa I've been trying to figure something out.

I've been trying to figure out if we get to choose our beliefs.

And I actually read about this in my book recently and I feel like you're the person to ask this question because I know that our lives are governed by these beliefs that we have about the world, ourselves and everything in between, but can we choose them?

You know, when I was here last time, you asked me about my childhood, which I don't talk about a lot.

It wasn't awful, but it also wasn't amazing.

But the beliefs I had then are so totally different to the beliefs I have now because I chose to give myself better beliefs.

Because, you know, you make your beliefs and then your beliefs turn right around and make you.

And then Confirmation bias means you look for proof of what you have chosen to believe and you'll find it.

So if you say, "'Oh, I hate cats, they're vicious things that scratch you, they're really aloof, ' or, "'I don't like dogs, they're barky, yappy, horrible things, ' then if you believe that about a dog and you meet a dog, you'll feel so anxious that that will become true.

But if you say, "'Oh, I love dogs, they're the most loyal, "'gorgeous, loving things, ' then you'll have a different energy around them.

You should constantly upgrade, update, question your belief, "'Where did I get that from?

"'And even if it's true for them, does it have to be true for me?

You know, I see a lot of women who say things like, well, you know, if you're really famous and rich, you'll never find a guy, because a hundred years ago, that was probably true.

Men didn't go for rich, successful women because they wanted them at home, but it's not true now.

So your grandmother's belief is not your belief.

I love my daughter's generation who don't do body shaming or fat shaming and have a whole different language, which I think is so refreshing.

So you can always choose your beliefs and you really should constantly check, why do I even believe that?

Because so often it's not true at all, it's just something you've been taught or you've just gone along with it anyway.

So in the case of cats then, you know I like all animals but cats I do think you know the way you describe them they're a little bit scratchy, sometimes a little bit you know annoying, not as loving as dogs

If that is my belief, if I say to myself okay you know cats are wonderful, they're lovely, you know they're fantastic, they don't scratch etc.

And this is the case with self-belief as well.

I could say that I'm amazing and attractive and all these things, But in my subconscious mind, after getting, I don't know, bullied at 7 years old by a kid that called me fat and whatever else, am I just not lying to myself?

Well, I think you should lie to yourself.

I think you should lie, cheat, and steal every day of your life.

Lie to your mind, cheat fear, and steal back the confidence you were born with.

So, let's imagine you're going for an exam, you go, "'I'm going to fail it, I'm going to mess it up.

"'I know when I read that paper, "'my mind's going to go blank and I'm going to blow it.'" So, that's a belief.

But you could also say, "'I've got a great memory.

"'Everything I studied for this exam is in my head.

"'When I read the paper, "'the questions are going to come up "'and I'm going to remember the answers.

"'I'm going to ace this exam.'" So if you repeat that over and over again, you see the subconscious doesn't think, it just feels.

And if you say, I'm nervous, I'm so nervous, and the subconscious feels that, then when you're nervous, the mind shuts down, while the blood rushes to your heart and your mind empties.

It's like if you're crossing a road and a car comes, you don't think, should I go left, right, forwards, backwards?

You just move because in fear, you don't think you move.

So when you're scared, your mind empties.

I remember years ago, I was coming home and this guy was following me and I knew he was following me, and I knew I had minutes to get in my door and I couldn't get the key and I couldn't remember which way to go.

I'm like, oh my God, I have all the times to forget how this key works.

I lived here for 5 years, but I was so scared.

I couldn't remember how to open my door at all because when you're scared, your brain empties.

And so if you go into an exam going, I'm scared, I'm nervous, you won't do well.

But if you say, I've got a great memory, I love exams, I'm excited about this exam, I'm so excited, I'm going to be assessed, I'm going to do really well, or I'm going to this assessment, I'm going to ace it.

This person is going to love me and see that I'm so smart, and my answers will show them that I know what I'm talking about.

The mind doesn't go, "'Oh, come on, that's silly." The mind goes, "'Okay, Whatever you say, you make it real.

Your mind's job is to make your thoughts real.

The subconscious doesn't think, it only feels.

And if your mind's job is to make your thoughts real, then your job is to think better thoughts all the time.

So imagine you're going to have a needle stuck in your arm.

And if you cough, just as the needle goes in, it confuses your mind and you don't feel it.

Or is it just taking your mind somewhere else?

That's the, because I think if I can choose my beliefs, then I can un-choose beliefs.

a single belief I have now that I could genuinely un-choose.

Yeah, but the thing with the mind is, there's a couple of rules of the mind.

1 is, let me give you a couple that will help you.

Every thought you think is a blueprint that your mind and body work to make real.

Every thought you think has a physical reaction and indeed an emotional response.

And here's another 1, the mind learns by repetition.

So when you think a thought a lot over and over again, it becomes real even if it's not real.

So if you think a thought, "'My neighbor's driving me crazy.

"'They're getting on my nerves.'" It'll become your reality.

If you say, it's a little bit irritating, but I can put my headphones on, I can tune out, then you'll have a different reaction to the same event.

You know, we don't have to change events, we have to change how we think about the events.

It's like saying, oh, this commute to work is killing me.

You know, being on this freeway is driving me crazy.

But someone else will go, wow, I'd love to be on...

You've got a car and you're going to a job "'and you're getting paid.

"'That's my fantasy dream come true.'" Don't have to change a thing.

You have to change how you think about the thing.

And a belief is really just the thought you think a lot.

So the beliefs you think you can't change, where do they come from?

Where do the beliefs you think you can't change come from?

So I think 1 of the recurring beliefs I've had about myself, which I think goes back as long as I can remember to be honest, is that I am fundamentally unorganized.

would be surprised to hear that because I'm very, I'd say productive, My output is high, but the organization of my stuff, even if you looked in my bag, it would be like a jumble sale.

My house as well, if I didn't have a cleaner, I think it would be, you know, it would be like a bomb had gone off in there.

I heard you saying actually on a podcast that when you go, your hotel room is very messy and it upsets you, but not enough to make you change it.

I think there's a habit or something that I've built into myself where I think I've told myself it's faster to be messy.

And, but then the dissonance or the issue that I take with it is that's not who I want to be.

I want to be someone who comes into the hotel room, goes into their suitcase and hangs everything up so that tomorrow is easier.

What happens is I dive into the suitcase, pull my gym equipment out and run to the gym.

And it's something I want to change because it's almost like this concession in my life where I've gone, well, that's just who I am.

And of course, when you do that, now you're making it real.

You say, you know, I can't spell, but my dad couldn't spell, and now it's genetic.

So every time you say, I'm just a messy person, the strongest force in you and everyone in the world is you must act in a way that utterly matches up with how you have chosen to define you.

So if you start by changing that and saying, "'I love being organized, it gives me such joy to be organized.

"'I love putting so much...' When you say it, say it, say it, it will start to change.

So for the last 3 weeks, I've been staying in a place with an amazing gym.

And I started to say, "'I love working out with really, really heavy weights, because, you know, I got run over and I started to get muscle wastage in my leg.

I was going, I love heavy, heavy weights.

But for the last 3 weeks, I get up and I'm in the gym at half 7 going, well, I love heavy weights.

And I didn't like it before, but I decided to say it over and over again, because when you say, state, and affirm something, your mind must make it real.

So all you have to do really is to start saying a lot, "'I love being organized.' It gives me immense joy to put stuff away.

I love it when everything's in its place and I'm in a hotel and sure, I run to the...

When I come back, I put my gym kit in a particular place.

And I love that feeling of being super organized.

And very quickly, it will start to change because you're thinking a thought that your mind has no choice but to make real.

But it's also true, you know, you think a thought and your mind can't help it.

It has to make, you know, we do that, we did that thing with a lemon, didn't we?

Imagine you're holding half of a great big fat, juicy lemon.

Close your eyes and just Put that lemon right up to your nose and breathe in that amazing lemon smell because nothing really smells quite like a lemon.

Now squeeze that lemon so hard so that lemon drops pucker onto the surface.

Stick out your tongue, lick off the lemon, Open your mouth really wide and shove that entire lemon into your mouth.

And I want you to start sucking and biting and chewing all the flesh.

Literally bite into that lemon until the lemon drops burst onto your tongue and your taste buds pucker and swell as you start to chew that lemon, suck that lemon, swirl that lemon all around your mouth, keep eating the lemon, suck it, chew it, swirl it around.

But you could also say yes, which is also true.

They're both true, no, there wasn't, but yes, there actually was.

Where was the lemon that was making you make saliva?

Put your right arm out towards me and just swing your arm behind you as far as it will go and have a look at where it's going.

Just look behind you to notice where it is, bring it back.

I think you went up to like the third book on that bookshelf.

I want you to imagine, close your eyes and tell your mind, my arm's going to go a third further.

I'm now like a Bendy, Barbie and Ken doll.

My arm is so flexible, it's going further.

I want you to imagine all the muscles in your right arm becoming super flexible, like cooked pasta.

Open your eyes, put your arm out, and say to your arm, you're going a third further now.

You're like a pretzel, you're super flexible.

Swing your arm back and just watch as it goes a third further.

You were only up to the third book before.

I just believed my arm was going to go further.

And you see, and for men, I get men who say, you know, I can't please my wife, I can't get an erection, I can't keep it going, and she's going to leave me.

And if I tell them other things, you know, you're a great lover, you can maintain an erection for 20 minutes or 10 minutes, or the average is about 4 and a half minutes, that starts to happen.

They don't do anything else except listen to a recording that says, you have longer erections, you can have a great sex life, you can wait until your partner orgasms, and it all becomes true because every time they say, "'But I can't do it, it's all over in a minute, I can't please her or him, ' they actually make that real.

But when you just change a thought, you know, there's a song called Love Changes Everything by Clymie Fisher, but actually thoughts change everything.

When you think a thought, it's such a game changer.

It's so interesting because in my friendship group with my male friends, we've spoken about sex life, libido, erections.

We've all struggled in different ways at different times with this.

And it's 1 of the areas in life where it's so clear to me that thoughts are the problem and the solution.

Yeah, because again, if a man thinks about sex, looks at pictures, looks at a movie and gets aroused, you get a very physical reaction straight away, even if there's no 1 in the room with you.

So that's a classic example of thinking a thought about being aroused, turned on, feeling sexually attracted, and your body makes it real, even if there's no 1 there.

And it can be, at a wedding, it can be an event, it can be highly embarrassing for a guy to get an erection in the wrong place.

But if you think a thought, "'I'm turned on here, the body man, ' it does it for women too, but it's not so obvious for us, we can kind of hide it.

But yes, it's a thought, "'I can't do it, I can.

"'I'm going to fail, I'm going to succeed.

Do you work with people often that have sexual dysfunction?

Is it becoming more popular or more prevalent in your view?

I think people are more able to talk about it.

A lot of women come to me and say, "'I can't orgasm.

"'All my friends are having massive orgasms, "'but me, the more I try, the harder it is.'" I don't think that's true.

Apparently, our grandmothers had more sex than us.

But I think now we have all this pressure.

We watch porn, we watch other people talking about their amazing sex.

But it's very easy to make your body super orgasmic.

But I think before we didn't talk about that.

My grandmother would have never talked about orgasms or having a designer vagina, or a Brazilian didn't even know what that was.

So we're in a different generation now where, you know, every year there's another way to hate your body.

Even your genitals have got to be perfect now.

And I think It's so much pressure for people.

I got to look like a porn star, have sex like a porn star.

And porn really damages so many people because it's such an impossible expectation to live up to.

It seems that pressure as it relates to sex is like the antithesis, it's the enemy of...

for, I can only speak from a guy's perspective because that's what I've ever been, but if there's ever pressure in the bedroom, there is 0 chance I'm getting an erection.

Of course, because comparicism is a thief of joy.

And we're so busy comparing ourselves to porn stars and someone who looks like the Kardashians who has a perfect body and everything's perfect.

Have you ever worked with men that have sexual dysfunction issues?

Yeah, a lot of men with premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, all of it.

I've got a friend who I would say if it was me, because I feel like I like to be honest.

Yeah, I know, it sounds like I'm talking about myself, but there's a couple of things I'll talk about from my own perspective in the sexual department.

He was in the relationship for a couple of years and then halfway through the relationship, he could no longer keep an erection and he was talking to me a lot about it.

And then he ended up ending the relationship because he had convinced himself it was impossible to change that.

And in fact, I know a lot of guys that struggle with this.

There was a point where I was 1 of them, where I just seemed to get this thought in my head about sex and I struggled to keep an erection, but also just to keep myself to want sex.

There's gonna be people listening to this right now that are in that situation where something has just changed.

Every time they go to bed, it's just this high pressure situation.

They can't get an erection, therefore they're avoidant of having sex.

You know, it's really interesting because we want intimacy.

We think, oh, I want to fall in love with someone that finishes my sentences, that knows when I'm hungry, that knows when I'm having a bad day, that just knows me inside out and loves my very soul, which is wonderful.

What eroticism requires is not intimacy at all.

So in the beginning, even for the first, it's all new, you don't know what they're going to do, how they're going to do it.

And so for men especially, you know, it's great maybe for the first 2 years.

And then it's like, oh, like 1 of my clients said, every time my husband comes to bed with just his pajama top on and they want sex, which is so unromantic.

I mean, he just doesn't bother to put the pajama bottoms on.

It's like, oh God, is that his idea of foreplay?

I mean, it's always every Saturday morning before we go and do the food shop, and it's so predictable.

Many people have affairs, not because they don't love their partner, but because they're missing out.

Being in love and knowing each other and loving each other and, you know, not caring if your wife got her period or your husband's got a bit of bad breath or they're tired or they've got a cold, you just love them anyway.

But then you have eroticism, which is amazing sex, great sex.

And eroticism really likes mystery, suspense, bit of edginess, bit of naughtiness, bit of the unknown.

But there is 1 thing that makes them go together and that's called fantasy.

There's a bridge that links eroticism to intimacy, and eroticism, and it's called fantasy.

We all think, oh, isn't that being unfaithful to my partner?

Sure, I shouldn't fantasize, but actually, 50 Shades of Grey, which was not a great book at all, but it taught people a lot about, oh, I can fantasize, I can read this book, and I can pretend I'm Anastasia with Mr.

what is The WEIRD Trick To Get Your Sex Life Back, Fix Erections & Increase Fertility?

what is the weird trick mentioned in the title of the episode

See all The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett transcripts on Applepodcasts

The No.1 Celebrity Therapist: The WEIRD Trick To Get Your Sex Life Back, Fix Erections & Increase Fertility!: Marisa Peer