A five-minute excerpt from the video component of the Neufeld Institute online course Making Sense of Aggression.

Aggression problems are deeply rooted in instinct and emotion and are therefore resistant to conventional discipline practices. Dr. Neufeld uncovers these roots and outlines steps to addressing them. His rich professional experience with aggressive children and violent youth informs this refreshing approach to an age-old problem. The principles apply to children of all ages and all settings: home, school and treatment.

For more information about this course, and to enroll, visit http://neufeldinstitute.org/course/making-sense-of-aggression/

When a child attacks, if we see it as anger, it occurs to us that that child perceives an injustice, that they've been mistreated.

The child doesn't really know why, but they have to make up some reason or they say I don't know or they say my sister took away my toys.

They come up with some story of not fair.

Now as soon as you get a story of not fair you're caught.

Now you've got to get the story from the sister and sure enough you find it's a different story now you're caught again now you've got to make a judgment once you've decided whose story is right you act as jury and you meet out the sentence and And what a long laborious process that hardly ever goes well.

And this is where most people are doing it.

They are trying to hunt anger down and it's not an anger problem.

What moves us to attack is the emotion of frustration.

Frustration is simply the experience of what doesn't work.

It may be the back that doesn't work, scissors that doesn't work, it can be the communication that doesn't work.

We thought that children acted to get results and that's called the instrumental theory.

It was thought that you could control aggression by its consequences.

That has not worked and it never will work.

We all know now that it's an emotional problem.

We attack because something has not worked, not to make something work.

If we see a child being angry, it will be different interaction than if we see a child being frustrated.

Frustration is evoked simply by something not working.

Frustration is a root emotion that can exist without being felt.

In fact, it most often exists without being felt.

None of the kids that I was working with, with aggression problems, knew they were frustrated.

And so it came out of nowhere, it seemed, to other people, and it confused them.

Frustration is very primitive impulses simply to attack.

You feel like biting somebody's head off, smashing something, kicking something, hitting something, but it can be because your back doesn't work.

You're never angry without also being frustrated, because you wouldn't be angry unless something is not working for you.

But you can be frustrated without ever being angry.

If you start from here and you realize why did the child hit his sister because he was frustrated, something wasn't working for him, Is he likely to know what's not working for him?

Nah, it's a primitive deep emotion involving very little consciousness.

You probably know more what didn't work for him.

Maybe he hasn't eaten yet and he has to have his stomach full.

Maybe daddy's been gone too long and he can't handle the separation.

When you care about children and you perceive that when they've attacked, no matter what the attack is, a tantrum, suicidal inclination, when you see that child is frustrated, it draws your heart out to them.

Oh my goodness, something's not working for you.

It may be a big thing, it may be a little thing, it may be cumulative, but you know something isn't working for them.

We can grant anybody the right to be frustrated, because we know frustration is existential.

That means to be alive is to be frustrated.

Now we might not like the way the frustration is being expressed, but we know 2 things already.

It is normal to be frustrated, and we can grant the right to be frustrated.

That frustration needs to come out, but not this way.


Speaker 0: When a child attacks, if we see it as anger, it occurs to us that that child perceives an injustice, that they've been mistreated. So we ask, why did you hit your sister? The child doesn't really know why, but they have to make up some reason or they say I don't know or they say my sister took away my toys. They come up with some story of not fair. Now as soon as you get a story of not fair you're caught.

Now you've got to get the story from the sister and sure enough you find it's a different story now you're caught again now you've got to make a judgment once you've decided whose story is right you act as jury and you meet out the sentence and And what a long laborious process that hardly ever goes well. And this is where most people are doing it. They are trying to hunt anger down and it's not an anger problem. What moves us to attack is the emotion of frustration. Frustration is simply the experience of what doesn't work.

It may be the back that doesn't work, scissors that doesn't work, it can be the communication that doesn't work. We thought that children acted to get results and that's called the instrumental theory. It was thought that you could control aggression by its consequences. That has not worked and it never will work. We all know now that it's an emotional problem.

We are moved to attack. We attack because something has not worked, not to make something work. If we see a child being angry, it will be different interaction than if we see a child being frustrated. It is a completely different emotion. Anger is evoked by perceived injustice.

Frustration is evoked simply by something not working. Anger involves cerebral cortex activity. Frustration is a root emotion that can exist without being felt. In fact, it most often exists without being felt. None of the kids that I was working with, with aggression problems, knew they were frustrated.

And so it came out of nowhere, it seemed, to other people, and it confused them. Anger triggers impulses to seek justice. Frustration is very primitive impulses simply to attack. You feel like biting somebody's head off, smashing something, kicking something, hitting something, but it can be because your back doesn't work. It's not necessarily anybody's fault.

You're never angry without also being frustrated, because you wouldn't be angry unless something is not working for you. But you can be frustrated without ever being angry. If you start from here and you realize why did the child hit his sister because he was frustrated, something wasn't working for him, Is he likely to know what's not working for him? Nah, it's a primitive deep emotion involving very little consciousness. You probably know more what didn't work for him.

Maybe he hasn't eaten yet and he has to have his stomach full. Maybe he's in pain and physical pain. Maybe daddy's been gone too long and he can't handle the separation. Will he know it? Not a chance.

When you care about children and you perceive that when they've attacked, no matter what the attack is, a tantrum, suicidal inclination, when you see that child is frustrated, it draws your heart out to them. Oh my goodness, something's not working for you. You may not know what. It may be a big thing, it may be a little thing, it may be cumulative, but you know something isn't working for them. We can grant anybody the right to be frustrated, because we know frustration is existential.

That means to be alive is to be frustrated. Now we might not like the way the frustration is being expressed, but we know 2 things already. It is normal to be frustrated, and we can grant the right to be frustrated. That frustration needs to come out, but not this way. You

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