- John Oliver, host of Last Week Tonight, introduces a new segment asking "how is this not a thing?"
- He provides examples of things that should exist but don't, such as an all-dog version of the Blue Man Group and a universal safe word for ending small talk.
- He also mentions inventions that should be created, like a biodegradable treadmill and bread pants.
- John Oliver expresses frustration at the lack of these things and concludes by announcing the show's return on June 5th.

John Oliver covers some things that don’t — but definitely should — exist. 

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I'm John Oliver, host of Last Week Tonight, the HBO series containing the fewest games and least impressive thrones.

-♪♪ We are off this week for Memorial Day, but we wanted to briefly check in to run a new segment by you.

Because on our show, we often ask the question, how is this still a thing?

Which we inquire in an effort to understand why we're still subjected to things like daylight savings time, and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

But tonight, in the interest of innovation, we'd like to do the exact opposite of that, and pose the question, how is this not a thing?

Because while there are many things in this world that should no longer be things, there are also many non-things that should absolutely be thingified.

Brought into the thing-sistance, if you will.

You know, like an all-dog version of the Blue Man Group.

Or a universal safe word for getting out of small talk that's run its course.

I cannot hear about your kayak a weekend!

But we don't have either of those things, nor do we have a way to wink without looking like you're proposing a threesome.

Or ambient, but for getting through the part of the day when you're awake.

Just as I want to know, when is science going to get around to inventing a biodegradable treadmill that starts to break down after a month of misuse?

It's environmentally friendly, and it saves you the humiliation of selling barely used exercised equipment on Craigslist.

But we have failed to pursue those dreams, just as we failed to create a house key that cries like a baby if you're about to leave home without it.

-...(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS IN DISBELIEF.) And perhaps most frustratingly of all, why do we not yet have bread pants?

Which are, of course, sweatpants, but made of bread.

In my experience, if you're wearing sweatpants, you're probably concurrently eating something messy, like a big plate of nachos, or a fistful of hummus.

Now, with bread pants, if you spill, you don't wash the pants.

You simply tear a piece off the leg, and you eat that too.

And finally, finally, how is there not a search engine built just for parents that lets them search terms like, the guy who's on that show we like, and, oh, she's married to what's-his-face?

Because the answers to both of those questions are always Mark Harmon and Blake Lively.

We'll be back on June 5th when we will return to be covering things that already exist.


Speaker 0: -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ Hello there. I'm John Oliver, host of Last Week Tonight, the HBO series containing the fewest games and least impressive thrones. -♪♪ We are off this week for Memorial Day, but we wanted to briefly check in to run a new segment by you. Because on our show, we often ask the question, how is this still a thing? Which we inquire in an effort to understand why we're still subjected to things like daylight savings time, and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

But tonight, in the interest of innovation, we'd like to do the exact opposite of that, and pose the question, how is this not a thing? Because while there are many things in this world that should no longer be things, there are also many non-things that should absolutely be thingified. Brought into the thing-sistance, if you will. You know, like an all-dog version of the Blue Man Group. Or, Exactly.

What... How is... How is that not a thing? Or a universal safe word for getting out of small talk that's run its course. Strawberries!

Strawberries, please! Strawberries! Stop! I cannot hear about your kayak a weekend! Strawberries!

Strawberries, Brian! Strawberries now! But we don't have either of those things, nor do we have a way to wink without looking like you're proposing a threesome. Or ambient, but for getting through the part of the day when you're awake. And...

And I wanted to know, why not? Just as I want to know, when is science going to get around to inventing a biodegradable treadmill that starts to break down after a month of misuse? And disuse. It's environmentally friendly, and it saves you the humiliation of selling barely used exercised equipment on Craigslist. But we have failed to pursue those dreams, just as we failed to create a house key that cries like a baby if you're about to leave home without it.

-...(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS IN DISBELIEF.) And perhaps most frustratingly of all, why do we not yet have bread pants? Which are, of course, sweatpants, but made of bread. In my experience, if you're wearing sweatpants, you're probably concurrently eating something messy, like a big plate of nachos, or a fistful of hummus. Now, with bread pants, if you spill, you don't wash the pants. You simply tear a piece off the leg, and you eat that too.

How are those not a thing? How are those not a thing? How are bread pants not a thing? How? How?

And finally, finally, how is there not a search engine built just for parents that lets them search terms like, the guy who's on that show we like, and, oh, she's married to what's-his-face? Because the answers to both of those questions are always Mark Harmon and Blake Lively. That is all for now. We'll be back on June 5th when we will return to be covering things that already exist. Thank you

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How Is This Not A Thing? (Web Exclusive): Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)