- The opening ceremony of the Olympics in Rio de Janeiro was extravagant and featured various performances and displays.
- The Parade of Nations highlighted the struggles and tragedies faced by different countries.
- Brazil's political turmoil was also mentioned, with the acting president receiving jeers from the crowd.
- The Games will include a team of refugees competing under the Olympic flag, including an inspiring Syrian refugee.
- The idea of equality in the Olympics was criticized, as the purpose is to celebrate individual excellence.
- The piece ends with a humorous reference to celebrating the fittest, bravest, most beautiful, and drunkest during the Games.

With the Olympic Games now underway, John Oliver recaps the opening ceremony.


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MUSIC Welcome, welcome, welcome to Last Week Tonight.

And let us begin straight away with the Olympics, a global display of the world's greatest athletes, and also dressage.

I don't care if you fuck your horse, but you are not getting a medal for the foreplay.

Now, the buildup to the Rio games has been turbulent, with Brazil experiencing a massive recession, protests in the streets, and a Zika outbreak.

But on Friday, NBC urged us to forget all that and focus on the opening ceremony.

The karaoke's, as they call themselves, they are ready, at least for tonight, to put the headlines aside, hit the reset button, and throw 1 massive party.

Aunt Hoda got into the caipirinha supply.

Everybody watch yourself, she gets grabby.

Now, the ceremony itself was as spectacular as you'd expect, featuring everything from fireworks, to those little scooters from junior high gym class, to people throwing Ikea flurg and lampshades at each other, to plants forming the Olympic rings before having a full-on plantgasm.

If people in that stadium start giving birth to palm trees in 9 months, you will know why.

The ceremony also featured a solemn moment of history.

She is 1 of Brazil's most recognizable exports, and tonight she walks on her country's biggest stage.

According to everything we have heard, this will be Gisele's last catwalk.

Or maybe they'll send her where all supermodels go, a farm upstate where they can sassily walk around and graze on tiny amounts of grass.

Still, the centerpiece of any opening ceremony is the Parade of Nations, that inspirational moment where athletes from around the globe come together as 1 to have Today Show anchors point out everything that's wrong with their countries.

As Turkey enters the stadium, there's got to be so many mixed emotions.

There was an attempted coup in July that failed to

It's been a difficult and tragic year for France.

The terrorist attacks in Paris, in Nice, in Normandy.

She was in Kathmandu for the national championship last year when the devastating earthquake hit that region.

It is a good thing that those anchors don't behave like that during the Macy's Day Parade.

There goes Shrek, obviously jaundiced and beset by weight problems stemming from chronic diabetes.

Here's Charlie Brown, clearly losing his fight with leukemia.

And finally, there is Snoopy, who of course, is going to be put down later today.

But that might honestly be preferable to whenever they tried to get Jocula instead.

Once every 4 years, someone gets to say it, and today it's my turn, so how about this?

I mean, Djibouti is a country with a rich cultural history and a multi-ethnic population of over 850,000 people, but you are right, it does also sound like a butt.

Now, the parade itself was a fairly standard affair.

As always, most countries' athletes were forced to dress like flight attendants from shitty airlines, with 1 absolutely glorious exception.

He just became a sensation in Brazil, I can tell you that.

I think Meredith and Hoda just did whatever those trees did earlier.

But, look, we would be remiss to gloss over the fact that there is real political turmoil in Brazil right now.

Their president Dilma Rousseff has been suspended since May following corruption allegations, and did not attend the opening ceremony, saying, imagine you're going to throw a party, you work on it for years, you set it all up, and then on the day of the party, someone shows up, takes your place, and takes over your party.

In this story of the games, I am the Cinderella.

Which is absolute bullshit, not least because Cinderella did not organize the ball.

The prince's publicist, Andrea, did, to distract from the gay rumors surrounding the prince.

The guest list was every eligible maiden.

Now, instead, Brazil's current acting president, Michel Temer, was there, although he, too, is not exactly beloved.

Acting president Michael Temer declaring the Games officially open, but greeted by jeers.

Those boos actually make sense for a couple of reasons.

First, he's unelected and is planning to push through a number of austerity measures, and second, he's a poet who once released a book of poetry titled Anonymous Intimacy, featuring this actual poem.

Of red, fiery flames of fire, brilliant eyes which smile with scarlet lips.

Fires, they take hold of me, of my mind, my soul, all mine in heat.

Finally, ashes are left that I spread on the bed to sleep.

Now, what is interesting about that poem is nothing.

But what is relevant about it is that his muse is his wife, Marcela, who is 42 years younger than him.

And I'll say this, at least when 70-something American politicians get creepily handsy with 30-something women, they have the decency to do so with their own daughters.

Because she apparently has a tattoo of his name on her neck.

Which seems like a tradition that is part of a wedding ceremony at a Seigneur Frogs.

Now, does any of this have anything to do with the Olympics?

But did I just find out about it and need to tell somebody?

But for all of this, the Olympic Games promise to be genuinely inspiring.

For the first time, a team of refugees will be competing under the Olympic flag.

1 of them is Yusra Mardini, an 18-year-old Syrian refugee who helped keep the boat carrying her and a group of others afloat when its engine failed off the Greek coast.

Just listen to her describe her training regime in Syria.

Sometimes you couldn't train because of the war.

Or Sometimes you had a training and there is a bombing in the swimming pool.

When you have a problem in your life, that doesn't mean you have to sit around and cry like babies or something.

First, I am almost terrifyingly impressed by that woman.

And second, when something goes wrong, I don't cry like a baby.

It's louder, it terrifies strangers, and no 1 comforts me.

There was 1 moment in the opening ceremony this week where the inspirational rhetoric went just a touch too far.

In this Olympic world, there is 1 universal law for everybody.

If that were the case, you wouldn't need to have an Olympics.

The whole reason we do this is to find out who is better than everyone else, so that we can make them stand higher than the other people who are not as good as them.

Because the point of the Games is not to celebrate equality, It is to celebrate individuals' excellence.

So let us all settle in for 2 incredible weeks of celebrating the fittest, the bravest, the most beautiful, and of course, the drunkest of us all.


Speaker 0: MUSIC Welcome, welcome, welcome to Last Week Tonight. I'm Jon Oliver.

Speaker 1: Thank you so much for joining us. And let us begin straight away with the Olympics, a global display of the world's greatest athletes, and also dressage. I don't care if you fuck your horse, but you are not getting a medal for the foreplay. Now, the buildup to the Rio games has been turbulent, with Brazil experiencing a massive recession, protests in the streets, and a Zika outbreak. But on Friday, NBC urged us to forget all that and focus on the opening ceremony.

Speaker 0: The karaoke's, as they call themselves, they are ready, at least for tonight, to put the headlines aside, hit the reset button, and throw 1 massive party. Did somebody say... Party? Oh, no.

Speaker 1: Oh, no. Aunt Hoda got into the caipirinha supply. Everybody watch yourself, she gets grabby. Now, the ceremony itself was as spectacular as you'd expect, featuring everything from fireworks, to those little scooters from junior high gym class, to people throwing Ikea flurg and lampshades at each other, to plants forming the Olympic rings before having a full-on plantgasm. If people in that stadium start giving birth to palm trees in 9 months, you will know why.

The ceremony also featured a solemn moment of history.

Speaker 2: She is 1 of Brazil's most recognizable exports, and tonight she walks on her country's biggest stage. That is supermodel Gisele Bundchen.

Speaker 0: According to everything we have heard, this will be Gisele's last catwalk.

Speaker 1: Wait, wait. Last catwalk? What's happening to her? Oh, my God! They're gonna kill Giselle, aren't they?

Or maybe they'll send her where all supermodels go, a farm upstate where they can sassily walk around and graze on tiny amounts of grass. Still, the centerpiece of any opening ceremony is the Parade of Nations, that inspirational moment where athletes from around the globe come together as 1 to have Today Show anchors point out everything that's wrong with their countries.

Speaker 0: As Turkey enters the stadium, there's got to be so many mixed emotions. There was an attempted coup in July that failed to

Speaker 2: open to the government. It's been a difficult and tragic year for France. The terrorist attacks in Paris, in Nice, in Normandy. She was in Kathmandu for the national championship last year when the devastating earthquake hit that region. That killed an estimated 9,000 people.

Speaker 0: Sudan is entering the stadium. Troubled nation. Holy shit!

Speaker 1: It is a good thing that those anchors don't behave like that during the Macy's Day Parade. There goes Shrek, obviously jaundiced and beset by weight problems stemming from chronic diabetes. Here's Charlie Brown, clearly losing his fight with leukemia. And finally, there is Snoopy, who of course, is going to be put down later today. But that might honestly be preferable to whenever they tried to get Jocula instead.

Speaker 0: Once every 4 years, someone gets to say it, and today it's my turn, so how about this? Check out Djibouti. Djibouti! You did it. I did it.

Speaker 1: Yeah, you did. I mean, Djibouti is a country with a rich cultural history and a multi-ethnic population of over 850,000 people, but you are right, it does also sound like a butt. Now, the parade itself was a fairly standard affair. As always, most countries' athletes were forced to dress like flight attendants from shitty airlines, with 1 absolutely glorious exception.

Speaker 0: Oh, look at Tonga. Wow. Look at Tonga. Slow that down. There we go.

Wow. We'll just live here for a minute. He's so shiny. What is that?

Speaker 2: He just became a sensation in Brazil, I can tell you that. They love him here.

Speaker 0: As do Meredith and I. What's not to love? He's a great athlete. Mmm.

Speaker 1: I think Meredith and Hoda just did whatever those trees did earlier. But, look, we would be remiss to gloss over the fact that there is real political turmoil in Brazil right now. Their president Dilma Rousseff has been suspended since May following corruption allegations, and did not attend the opening ceremony, saying, imagine you're going to throw a party, you work on it for years, you set it all up, and then on the day of the party, someone shows up, takes your place, and takes over your party. In this story of the games, I am the Cinderella. Which is absolute bullshit, not least because Cinderella did not organize the ball.

The prince's publicist, Andrea, did, to distract from the gay rumors surrounding the prince. Come on, think about it. The guest list was every eligible maiden. It was Cinderella or Katie Holmes. Please, please, It was obvious.

Now, instead, Brazil's current acting president, Michel Temer, was there, although he, too, is not exactly beloved. Acting president Michael Temer declaring the Games officially open, but greeted by jeers. -...beautiful animal there. -...beautiful animal there. Those boos actually make sense for a couple of reasons.

First, he's unelected and is planning to push through a number of austerity measures, and second, he's a poet who once released a book of poetry titled Anonymous Intimacy, featuring this actual poem. Of red, fiery flames of fire, brilliant eyes which smile with scarlet lips. Fires, they take hold of me, of my mind, my soul, all mine in heat. My body on fire, consumed, dissolved. Finally, ashes are left that I spread on the bed to sleep.

Now, what is interesting about that poem is nothing. But what is relevant about it is that his muse is his wife, Marcela, who is 42 years younger than him. He is 75, she is 33. And I'll say this, at least when 70-something American politicians get creepily handsy with 30-something women, they have the decency to do so with their own daughters. Have some class, Brazil!

Have some class! But wait, it gets 1 step worse. Because she apparently has a tattoo of his name on her neck. Which seems like a tradition that is part of a wedding ceremony at a Seigneur Frogs. Now, does any of this have anything to do with the Olympics?

No. But did I just find out about it and need to tell somebody? Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. But for all of this, the Olympic Games promise to be genuinely inspiring.

For the first time, a team of refugees will be competing under the Olympic flag. 1 of them is Yusra Mardini, an 18-year-old Syrian refugee who helped keep the boat carrying her and a group of others afloat when its engine failed off the Greek coast. She's pretty incredible. Just listen to her describe her training regime in Syria.

Speaker 3: Sometimes you couldn't train because of the war. Or Sometimes you had a training and there is a bombing in the swimming pool. So it was... You can see, like, the roof. There is...

3 or 4 places is open. When you have a problem in your life, that doesn't mean you have to sit around and cry like babies or something.

Speaker 1: Okay. First, I am almost terrifyingly impressed by that woman. And second, when something goes wrong, I don't cry like a baby. I cry like a grown man. And I'll tell you why.

It's louder, it terrifies strangers, and no 1 comforts me. It's better. I will say this, though. There was 1 moment in the opening ceremony this week where the inspirational rhetoric went just a touch too far.

Speaker 2: In this Olympic world, there is 1 universal law for everybody. In this Olympic world, we are all equal.

Speaker 1: Okay, that is simply not true. If that were the case, you wouldn't need to have an Olympics. The whole reason we do this is to find out who is better than everyone else, so that we can make them stand higher than the other people who are not as good as them. Because the point of the Games is not to celebrate equality, It is to celebrate individuals' excellence. So let us all settle in for 2 incredible weeks of celebrating the fittest, the bravest, the most beautiful, and of course, the drunkest of us all.

Did somebody say party?

Speaker 0: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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Olympics Opening Ceremony: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)