- John Oliver is addressing the audience because there is no new episode of Last Week Tonight this week
- He apologizes for some false claims he has made in the past
- He retracts the claim that the United States purchased Alaska from grizzly bears
- He admits that his statement about MySpace being back was also false
- He corrects his description of trains, stating that they are actually airplanes that pee sitting down
- He apologizes for claiming that blue chips are made from sliced Grover arms, revealing that they are actually made from thin shavings of Barney's penis
- He apologizes to the fish community for insulting them in a previous episode, but then retracts the apology and insults them further
- He ends by saying he will return to HBO on September 9th

John Oliver sets the record straight about some dubious claims he’s made in the past.

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Meaning I'm probably coming up on your screen right now between grainy footage of Prince performing at the Super Bowl and a seven-minute video of someone taking things out of boxes, because apparently there's now an entire genre of entertainment based on the last scene of the movie, 7.

And, look, I'm talking to you now, because there is no new episode of Last Week Tonight this week.

So I wanted to take a moment here on the internet to set some things straight.

Because here at Last Week Tonight, we work hard to ensure that everything I say is as accurate as possible.

But inevitably, despite our diligence, occasional errors do slip through.

So in the interest of full transparency, I'd like to retract some of the claims that I've made in the past that have turned out, unfortunately, to be false.

So first, let me correct a statement I made recently when I said, in error, that the United States purchased Alaska from the grizzly bears for 50 pounds of salmon.

Alaska was actually purchased from the Russian Empire in 1867, although it didn't become a state until 1959.

Alaska is, and this is true, both the largest and least densely populated state in the Union.

It is not, however, a wasteland devoid of morality where the boundaries between human and moose are blurry at best and in many cases, altogether non-existent.

That's not something I said on the air, it's just something I believed in my heart.

Moving on, just a few weeks ago, I said and I quote, MySpace is back, baby.

Unfortunately, it seems that I may have spoken too soon.

Our research staff obtained documents that indicate MySpace is emphatically not actually back.

And it is my sad duty to inform you that it is not now, nor was it ever, Tom-time motherfuckers.

Now, MySpace does technically still exist, but it remains an internet graveyard populated by ska bands that broke up 7 years ago.

Now, you may have also recently seen me refer to trains as buses that fuck.

Been brought to my attention that that is false.

Trains are actually airplanes that pee sitting down.

Again, I am truly sorry to have misled anyone by stating otherwise.

A few months ago, I claimed that these blue chips are actually made from sliced Grover arms.

Which at the time was widely believed to be accurate.

But, as a recent ProPublica expose revealed, the chips are actually kind of purple.

And when they dug deeper, they uncovered that they're actually made from thin shavings of Barney's penis.

And At least we now know why his genitals are missing.

The point is, the point I'm trying to make here is, Grover's fine.

Barney chopped up his tick into chips, but Grover is fine.

My deepest apologies to Grover's family for any confusion my earlier report may have caused.

And finally, I'd like to take back something that I said in a moment of...

Last year, I referred to this collection of fish as idiots, morons, dimwits, boneheads, dunces, and doofuses, which I now regret.

So to the entire fish community, I offer a sincere apology for not going further.

I hope all of you end up in a fucking chowder!

I'll do my best to be as thorough and accurate as possible, then return to HBO on September 9th.


Speaker 0: -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ Hello there. I'm John Oliver, and this is YouTube. Meaning I'm probably coming up on your screen right now between grainy footage of Prince performing at the Super Bowl and a seven-minute video of someone taking things out of boxes, because apparently there's now an entire genre of entertainment based on the last scene of the movie, 7. And, look, I'm talking to you now, because there is no new episode of Last Week Tonight this week. So I wanted to take a moment here on the internet to set some things straight.

Because here at Last Week Tonight, we work hard to ensure that everything I say is as accurate as possible. But inevitably, despite our diligence, occasional errors do slip through. So in the interest of full transparency, I'd like to retract some of the claims that I've made in the past that have turned out, unfortunately, to be false. So first, let me correct a statement I made recently when I said, in error, that the United States purchased Alaska from the grizzly bears for 50 pounds of salmon. That is unexpectedly false.

I don't know how that got by us. Alaska was actually purchased from the Russian Empire in 1867, although it didn't become a state until 1959. Alaska is, and this is true, both the largest and least densely populated state in the Union. It is not, however, a wasteland devoid of morality where the boundaries between human and moose are blurry at best and in many cases, altogether non-existent. That's not something I said on the air, it's just something I believed in my heart.

And it turns out, I was inaccurate. That's on me. I'll take that 1. Moving on, just a few weeks ago, I said and I quote, MySpace is back, baby. It's Tom-time, motherfuckers.

And, that's right. That's right. I said it. I said it. Tom-time!

I said that. I don't deny that I said that. Unfortunately, it seems that I may have spoken too soon. Our research staff obtained documents that indicate MySpace is emphatically not actually back. And it is my sad duty to inform you that it is not now, nor was it ever, Tom-time motherfuckers.

Now, MySpace does technically still exist, but it remains an internet graveyard populated by ska bands that broke up 7 years ago. Now, you may have also recently seen me refer to trains as buses that fuck. It has... -...it has... -...it has...

Been brought to my attention that that is false. Trains are actually airplanes that pee sitting down. Again, I am truly sorry to have misled anyone by stating otherwise. Next retraction, this is difficult. A few months ago, I claimed that these blue chips are actually made from sliced Grover arms.

Which at the time was widely believed to be accurate. But, as a recent ProPublica expose revealed, the chips are actually kind of purple. And when they dug deeper, they uncovered that they're actually made from thin shavings of Barney's penis. It's true. It's true.

It's true. And At least we now know why his genitals are missing. The point is, the point I'm trying to make here is, Grover's fine. Barney chopped up his tick into chips, but Grover is fine. My deepest apologies to Grover's family for any confusion my earlier report may have caused.

And finally, I'd like to take back something that I said in a moment of... What was sheer anger? Last year, I referred to this collection of fish as idiots, morons, dimwits, boneheads, dunces, and doofuses, which I now regret. So to the entire fish community, I offer a sincere apology for not going further. That's right, you slimy dipshits!

I retract my retraction! I hope all of you end up in a fucking chowder! That's all we have time for right now. I'll do my best to be as thorough and accurate as possible, then return to HBO on September 9th. Until then, good night!

-♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! ♪

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Retractions: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (Web Exclusive)