- John Oliver discusses a serious problem of dolls and doll parts washing up on a 40-mile stretch of beach in South Texas
- The dolls are in various states of disrepair and are causing concern among beachgoers
- The director of the Mission Aransas National Estuarine Research Reserve explains that the dolls are likely being pushed onto the Texas coast by ocean currents
- The origin of the dolls is unknown, but experts say they could be coming from anywhere in the world
- John Oliver expresses his hatred for the dolls and offers to buy all remaining dolls and donate $10,000 to a wildlife rehabilitation program in exchange for destroying the dolls
- He urges viewers to leave the video if they are disturbed by the dolls, but proceeds to show more of them anyway.

John Oliver discusses a surplus of dolls which have been mysteriously washing up on the beach in Texas, and, crucially, how they can be destroyed. 

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We're off this week, but I wanted to come back to talk to you anyway, specifically about the beach.

It's time to slap on your sunscreen, put on your UV-blocking turtleneck, curl into a ball so as to expose as little surface area as possible to the sun, and take in those rays while counting down the minutes until you're allowed to go back inside.

There's just nothing like the beach, is there, gang?

But I'm afraid I have some bad news for you, because this beach season has already developed a serious problem, specifically along a roughly 40-mile stretch in South Texas.

Washing up with the high tide is something that is turning heads and sparking reactions like this.

Dozens of dolls and doll parts found stuck in the sand along the South Texas coastline.

If you plan to head out to the beach, watch where you step, because something might already be watching you.

I am here talking to you about that in a week that we are off, exclusively because I hate them.

Though before I do that, I do have to very quickly give props to the local news production team there that put that segment together, because that piano music was both spooky and perfect.

And it is the kind of attention to detail that really sets K-Triple-I apart from your peers.

I've always said that, but to get back to my main point, I fucking hate those dolls!

Look at the fucking skull and crossbones drawn on its chest!

This doll alone would already be an emergency.

If it were just this 1 doll that had washed up, I would still be doing this video to alert people to a gigantic problem.

But apparently, according to the Mission Aransas National Estuarine Research Reserve, More and more of these demon dolls are now being found and all the time.

Its researchers normally survey this particular stretch of beach looking for creatures like sea turtles, but listen to its director explain what they've been finding instead.

Sometimes it's got barnacles coming out of the eyes, or the hair's just halfway falling off, you know, stuff kind of what nightmares are made out of.

Look, if you had asked me 15 seconds ago, what is the scientific opposite of a sea turtle?

You know, because it's basically a land turtle.

Kind of like left is the opposite of right, but they're both directions, you know?

Or, you know, I might have said hummingbird, because it doesn't swim, does it?

And also, it's fast, where turtles, for the purpose of my thought experiment right now, are slow.

Or, you know, I might have even said something like, a tree, land thing, not an animal.

But, Now I know that the precise opposite of a sea turtle is this fucking shit!

Which is, by the way, very clearly a sex doll.

I get why the local news didn't want to say it, but somebody has to.

That doll is different than the others in a meaningful, practical way.

The point is, apparently, 30 of these dolls, 30, have now been found.

And if you, like me, were wondering why, Why are so many of them washing up on the shore?

Well, that director that you saw earlier has half of an answer for you.

It has to do with the loop current that goes around Mexico and up the east coast of Florida, and we get these eddies that come off of there, and anything that's in that current gets pushed up on the Texas coast.

Yeah, except, that's not what anybody cares about.

I could not give a shit about your unique loop currents.

They want to know where the fuck they came from.

And the longer that no 1 answers that question, the more I think you're covering something up.

Apparently, experts say it is unknowable that these dolls could actually be coming from anywhere in the world.

And now, I am very worried that each and every 1 of them is coming from a little girl who is 4,000 years old, lives on a floating Victorian house that haunts the Gulf and holds the devil in her little heart.

And if you saw more of these dolls, you would believe the same.

Now, while it brings me absolutely no pleasure to do this, I am now about to show you more of them.

And at this point, I would advise you to leave.

Click out of this video and look up, I don't know, an architectural digest tour of Jessica Alba's third most light-filled Brownstone.

And for anybody who has stayed, this is now on you.

Because I'm about to give you a baby parade that you are going to regret seeing.

There is, as we've already seen, Green Pirate Baby, which...

In an extremely ominous sign, seems to be growing larger.

There is also my personal enemy, Barnacle Baby.

Now, you might think that's just sand and debris on the rest of its head, but if you take a close look, you'll see it's actually even more barnacles growing out of it!

You know, it's like when wasp eggs hatch inside of spiders and eat them from the inside out, except somehow much worse.

Now, this 1 is honestly not quite so bad, is it?

But it seems to exist mainly to lull you into a false sense of security.

So Barnacle Baby number 3 here can rock you to your very core.

And by the way, don't go clicking out of this video now to go peek around Jessica Alba's minimalist dining room.

Live with your bad decision and stick it out to the end.

Because next, we have Wide Flat Baby, which inexplicably has a flipper.

You know, I don't know why anyone is surprised by anything at this point.

Next up, there's baby head attached to adult body.

Then there's baby that, for reasons I don't entirely understand, is quietly the most upsetting to me.

Then you've got detached baby head just by itself.

And finally, detached baby head number 2.

Look, in my defense, I told you from the start, I hate these things.

I told you to leave, and you're still here, so you don't get to be angry with me.

My staff is on vacation right now, and I'm showing you these monsters at 03:00 in the morning.

I have to take these web exclusives at 3 a.m.

Because apparently, during our off week, 60 Minutes takes over our studio to film B-roll of their fucking clock ticking.

But, look, obviously, there's a much bigger question here, isn't there?

Which is, what are we gonna do about these beasts?

These beach dolls are the single worst thing I've ever seen.

Now, do we need to break some kind of curse?

Is there a special volcano that we have to throw them into?

Or is this a simple matter of avenging the dead governess of the 4,000-year-old little girl?

Because If that's what it takes, I will do it.

I'm afraid I have a final harrowing twist here, because it turns out, these dolls may unfortunately no longer be contained.

And some are now scattered among different owners, because apparently, you can buy them.

Every year, we host a fundraiser for the rehab facility for sea turtles, and people actually buy these things.

So, we had a doll head that was a pretty good size, and somebody paid 35 bucks for it.

So, all of that goes towards rehabbing sea turtles.

Stop acting like you're saying something fun!

-♪ ♪ -♪ Oh, and first, first, would you like to know which doll head specifically sold for 35 big ones?

And let me be clear, that sex doll head and the person who bought it need to be thrown directly into the middle of the ocean.

Second, I simply cannot trust the anonymous buyers of these dolls to destroy them.

Now, mainly because I know that they are the exact opposite of this.

mind, Mission Aransas Reserve, this is my firm offer to you.

We will reluctantly buy all of the remaining dolls that you have, normal or sex, with a $10,000 donation to the Turtle and Marine Wildlife Rehabilitation Program.

And then, crucially, crucially, I promise, we will figure out the best way to destroy every last 1 of these pieces of shit for you, for all of you.


Speaker 0: -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ Hi there, Internet. I'm John Oliver. We're off this week, but I wanted to come back to talk to you anyway, specifically about the beach. Why? It's beach season, y'all.

And you know what that means, don't you? It's time to slap on your sunscreen, put on your UV-blocking turtleneck, curl into a ball so as to expose as little surface area as possible to the sun, and take in those rays while counting down the minutes until you're allowed to go back inside. There's just nothing like the beach, is there, gang? But I'm afraid I have some bad news for you, because this beach season has already developed a serious problem, specifically along a roughly 40-mile stretch in South Texas. Please take a look.

Speaker 1: Washing up with the high tide is something that is turning heads and sparking reactions like this.

Speaker 2: I think it's very freaky.

Speaker 1: Dozens of dolls and doll parts found stuck in the sand along the South Texas coastline. If you plan to head out to the beach, watch where you step, because something might already be watching you.

Speaker 0: Burn them! Burn them now! I hate those dolls! I hate them so much! I am here talking to you about that in a week that we are off, exclusively because I hate them.

Though before I do that, I do have to very quickly give props to the local news production team there that put that segment together, because that piano music was both spooky and perfect. And it is the kind of attention to detail that really sets K-Triple-I apart from your peers. I've always said that, but to get back to my main point, I fucking hate those dolls! I mean, look

Speaker 2: at this 1! Look at its green war paint! Look at

Speaker 0: its blank eyes! Look at the fucking skull and crossbones drawn on its chest! What does it want? What does it know? This doll alone would already be an emergency.

If it were just this 1 doll that had washed up, I would still be doing this video to alert people to a gigantic problem. But apparently, according to the Mission Aransas National Estuarine Research Reserve, More and more of these demon dolls are now being found and all the time. Its researchers normally survey this particular stretch of beach looking for creatures like sea turtles, but listen to its director explain what they've been finding instead.

Speaker 2: Sometimes it's got barnacles coming out of the eyes, or the hair's just halfway falling off, you know, stuff kind of what nightmares are made out of.

Speaker 0: I fucking hate it! I hate it so much! Look, if you had asked me 15 seconds ago, what is the scientific opposite of a sea turtle? I'd have had a few answers for you. I might have said tortoise first.

You know, because it's basically a land turtle. Right? Kind of like left is the opposite of right, but they're both directions, you know? Or, you know, I might have said hummingbird, because it doesn't swim, does it? It flies.

And also, it's fast, where turtles, for the purpose of my thought experiment right now, are slow. Or, you know, I might have even said something like, a tree, land thing, not an animal. Good opposite. But, Now I know that the precise opposite of a sea turtle is this fucking shit! Which is, by the way, very clearly a sex doll.

I get why the local news didn't want to say it, but somebody has to. That doll is different than the others in a meaningful, practical way. The point is, apparently, 30 of these dolls, 30, have now been found. And if you, like me, were wondering why, Why are so many of them washing up on the shore? Well, that director that you saw earlier has half of an answer for you.

Speaker 2: It has to do with the loop current that goes around Mexico and up the east coast of Florida, and we get these eddies that come off of there, and anything that's in that current gets pushed up on the Texas coast.

Speaker 0: Oh, right. Oh, yeah. Yeah, except, that's not what anybody cares about. I could not give a shit about your unique loop currents. No 1 cares how the dolls got here.

They want to know where the fuck they came from. And the longer that no 1 answers that question, the more I think you're covering something up. Apparently, experts say it is unknowable that these dolls could actually be coming from anywhere in the world. And now, I am very worried that each and every 1 of them is coming from a little girl who is 4,000 years old, lives on a floating Victorian house that haunts the Gulf and holds the devil in her little heart. And if you saw more of these dolls, you would believe the same.

Now, while it brings me absolutely no pleasure to do this, I am now about to show you more of them. And at this point, I would advise you to leave. Get out of here. Click out of this video and look up, I don't know, an architectural digest tour of Jessica Alba's third most light-filled Brownstone. Leave me here and never look back.

Save yourself right now! And for anybody who has stayed, this is now on you. Because I'm about to give you a baby parade that you are going to regret seeing. There is, as we've already seen, Green Pirate Baby, which... In an extremely ominous sign, seems to be growing larger.

There is also my personal enemy, Barnacle Baby. Now, you might think that's just sand and debris on the rest of its head, but if you take a close look, you'll see it's actually even more barnacles growing out of it! You know, it's like when wasp eggs hatch inside of spiders and eat them from the inside out, except somehow much worse. Next, there's Barnacle Baby Number 2. Now, this 1 is honestly not quite so bad, is it?

But it seems to exist mainly to lull you into a false sense of security. So Barnacle Baby number 3 here can rock you to your very core. And by the way, don't go clicking out of this video now to go peek around Jessica Alba's minimalist dining room. You fucked up. Live with your bad decision and stick it out to the end.

Because next, we have Wide Flat Baby, which inexplicably has a flipper. Then, we have Nightmare Ghoul Baby. Then, in a natural extension, Santa. You know, I don't know why anyone is surprised by anything at this point. Next up, there's baby head attached to adult body.

Then there's baby that, for reasons I don't entirely understand, is quietly the most upsetting to me. Then you've got detached baby head just by itself. There's Anthony. There's... That 1 is just named Anthony.

And finally, detached baby head number 2. Look, in my defense, I told you from the start, I hate these things. I told you to leave, and you're still here, so you don't get to be angry with me. I'm now angry with you. My staff is on vacation right now, and I'm showing you these monsters at 03:00 in the morning.

I have to take these web exclusives at 3 a.m. Because apparently, during our off week, 60 Minutes takes over our studio to film B-roll of their fucking clock ticking. But, look, obviously, there's a much bigger question here, isn't there? Which is, what are we gonna do about these beasts? Specifically, how can we destroy them?

Because we have to destroy them. These beach dolls are the single worst thing I've ever seen. Now, do we need to break some kind of curse? That would make sense. Is there a special volcano that we have to throw them into?

Or is this a simple matter of avenging the dead governess of the 4,000-year-old little girl? Because If that's what it takes, I will do it. But here's the thing. I'm afraid I have a final harrowing twist here, because it turns out, these dolls may unfortunately no longer be contained. And some are now scattered among different owners, because apparently, you can buy them.

Speaker 2: Every year, we host a fundraiser for the rehab facility for sea turtles, and people actually buy these things. So, we had a doll head that was a pretty good size, and somebody paid 35 bucks for it. So, all of that goes towards rehabbing sea turtles.

Speaker 0: Stop acting like you're saying something fun! -♪ ♪ -♪ Oh, and first, first, would you like to know which doll head specifically sold for 35 big ones? Because it's this 1. Of course it is. Of course it is.

And let me be clear, that sex doll head and the person who bought it need to be thrown directly into the middle of the ocean. Second, I simply cannot trust the anonymous buyers of these dolls to destroy them. Thirdly, I quite like sea turtles. Now, mainly because I know that they are the exact opposite of this. I hate this so much.

I hate it so much.

Speaker 2: So with all of that in

Speaker 0: mind, Mission Aransas Reserve, this is my firm offer to you. We will reluctantly buy all of the remaining dolls that you have, normal or sex, with a $10,000 donation to the Turtle and Marine Wildlife Rehabilitation Program. That's right. We'll do it. We will do it.

And then, crucially, crucially, I promise, we will figure out the best way to destroy every last 1 of these pieces of shit for you, for all of you. Thank you so much for watching. Happy beach-going, everyone. We'll see you

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Beach Dolls: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (Web Exclusive)