Hey guys, I'm Heidi Prieb, welcome back to my channel, or welcome if this is your first time here.

On this channel we talk quite a bit about how to have healthier relationships with ourselves and other people.

And today I want to talk about a topic that has been a very buzzy word on the internet I would say this week, but for quite some time before this point as well.

So I think that when it comes to boundaries, a lot of us are very confused about how the term is being used in pop culture lately.

So we seem kind of collectively unclear about whether a boundary is something that we will do, whether it's a way that we can ask other people to shape their behavior, and today I want to talk about how I like to think of boundaries.

So this is not the definition of boundaries, it's just the 1 that I have found most helpful and most workable when it comes to maintaining the health of my relationships with myself and other people.

So I remember many years ago when I was kind of in the thick of my attachment wounding, I wasn't really finding my way out of it yet, I was expressing frustration to the therapist that I was working with at the time that my boundaries were making me miserable.

Like I was like, look, I just keep putting up more and more walls in my life and I feel like I'm just getting lonelier and lonelier.

And she looked at me and went, well, your boundaries are supposed to make your life better.

So ask yourself what the point is of putting these boundaries in place.

And how are you actually gonna use those boundaries to get more of what you want out of your relationships?

And to me, that was kind of a perspective shift.

At the time, I didn't really know what to do with it because I didn't know how to set boundaries from my authentic self.

And so today we're going to talk about what that looks like.

At this point in my life, I think of the term boundary in the most literal sense possible, which is something that I like to do with psychological terms when I notice that the public is kind of running away with them and making them mean a whole bunch of different things.

I like to look at the literal word that the term originated from.

So if you look up the word boundary in the dictionary, 1 of the first definitions you get is a line that marks the limits of an area.

And I actually love that definition when it comes to our own psychology.

I like to think of boundaries as the limits of our own authenticity.

So if I am operating within my boundaries, I'm operating in a way that is true to who I am.

I'm in a place where I'm sharing myself authentically, where I'm being honest about my reactions to things, where I'm letting other people know in a true, direct way what I am and am not happy to take on and do, and I'm not having to alter my behavior in any significant way in order to stay in relationship.

Now, that doesn't mean that I'm not willingly doing favors for people or finding ways to show up for the people in my life, but if I'm operating within the boundaries of my authenticity, it means that I'm doing all of that because I actually want to and because it brings me a sense of joy to be able to be there for the people I'm close to.

Not because I said yes to something when I really meant no.

So by this definition, and again, this is not the definition, it is a definition or a perspective on boundaries, boundaries are not something that we need to set.

All we need to do is be clear with other people about where they lie.

And sometimes the hardest part is being clear and honest with ourselves about where those boundaries lie.

So I like to literally picture it like, okay, if my personality, if my authentic self were a property, My boundaries would be the fence that extends around my property so people can recognize what is my land and what is theirs.

And a relationship without boundaries is kind of like 2 neighbors who don't know where one's land ends and the others begins.

So when I'm extending myself in a relationship, when I'm going too far outside of the boundaries of who I actually am in order to be accepted by someone else or in order to please someone else or because I feel like that's something I need to do to stay in relationship not because it's something that I feel aligned with doing.

Now I'm operating outside of my boundaries.

I've gone past the point of authenticity and now I'm in self erasure territory.

And again, I want to be clear that a lot of the time doing favors for other people, showing up and offering support for the people in our lives is within our boundaries of authenticity.

I can very authentically, very happily put some of my own stuff aside and show up for other people.

But as soon as I feel like I'm overextending myself or I'm saying yes when I want to say no, or I'm feeling neglected in the relationship, yet I'm continuously extending myself and pretending that I feel happy and good about that.

Now I've gone beyond the limits of my own authenticity.

Now I'm having to pretend and fake things to stay in relationship with the other.

The function of healthy boundaries is to keep a relationship running smoothly.

So making sure that everybody's dignity and Authenticity is staying intact so that you can have a healthy relationship of equals rather than a resentment-laden relationship between 2 people who feel like they are not operating from their authentic selves.

So this is why boundaries make our lives better.

When we're able to recognize very clearly, here's where I end and someone else begins, or here's where my willingness to engage ends and my resentment begins, we're able to use that information to come up with creative solutions for how we can stay in contact with each other without feeling that chronic resentment.

So 1 last time, boundaries are the limits of our authenticity.

And the way we use boundaries is to make it clear where we end and another person begins so that we're making sure we're always operating from our authenticity and keeping our own and other people's dignity intact in relationship.

And because this has all been very theoretical so far, I want to go into a couple examples of what this actually looks like in practice.

And I want to note letting people know where our boundaries lie is inherently vulnerable in a lot of cases because when we're setting a boundary, when we're letting someone know here's the edges of my authenticity, here's as far as I can go without crossing over into resentment territory or self-abandonment territory, we're letting them really see us and understand what matters to us.

And a lot of the time, because boundaries are such a hot topic online, I see people giving examples of boundaries and going, is this fair or reasonable to expect?

And when you really look at the text or when you really look at what that person is setting as a boundary, what it seems like to me is that they're not truly being vulnerable.

So if I'm telling someone, I need you to talk to me in X, Y, or Z way, What I'm leaving out of that picture is the why behind that, right?

When you speak to me like this, when you don't text me back, when we don't have good communication, I have a hard time feeling authentically connected to you.

And when I don't feel connected to you, I don't feel particularly happy or close in our relationship.

But it's inauthentic for me to pretend that I feel close to you when actually I feel like you don't really know that much about me or you're not taking that much of an interest in my life.

Ergo, I'm kind of past my boundaries here.

I'm kind of in this territory where I'm pretending to be happy in the relationship because I want to keep it alive, but I'm actually not happy.

That's letting someone know where our boundaries are.

It's not demanding that they do something, it's just letting them know, here's what I need to actually feel happy and connected and close to you.

If that's something you want too, then here, let me open the gate on the side of my boundaries and invite you inside.

And if that's not something that you want, then we might need to renegotiate or figure something else out around how we relate to each other.

Maybe we're more acquaintances than close friends or lovers, because that's what works for me, given the level of communication that feels authentic for you.

But all of That is a pretty vulnerable thing to say, right?

Letting someone know what we feel, what's authentic to us, and what feels like self-abandonment is pretty vulnerable.

You're letting them see more of you, including what hurts you.

But the good news, and we're gonna get more into this, is that boundaries are also inherently self-protective.

So we don't need to shame and blame other people for having different limits on their authenticity, we just need to be aware of where ours are and then we need to be willing to show up for ourselves in that way.

So if our inner child wants to run way over the limits of our authenticity and directly into self-abandonment territory in order to be close to somebody, it's our job to make sure that we are reigning in that inner child so that we are keeping them safe.

And this part can be really hard and painful to do in the short term, but in the long term it makes all of our relationships function more smoothly.

How do we make clear to ourselves where the limits of our own authenticity lies and then how do we communicate that to other people in a way that ideally makes our relationships function more effectively.

So there's a series of questions that I like to ask myself when it's becoming apparent to me that a certain relationship might need some extra boundaries, and I'm going to go over what those are using a couple of examples so we can really walk through them.

So the first question is, what do I want from this relationship?

So why is it that I wanna set a boundary in the first place?

We don't try to set boundaries with people who we don't care about, right?

If I'm having a conversation with someone for the first time and in

the back of my head I'm thinking I never want to see or speak to this person again, I have no interest in setting boundaries with them or making clear to them all of these things about what feels authentic to me and what hurts me.

There's no point because I don't want them in my life.

So if I'm needing to set a boundary with someone, there's a very good chance that the reason I want to set that boundary in the first place is because I want to be in relationship in some form with that person.

That doesn't mean romantic relationship necessarily, it could be a friendship, a family relationship, a professional relationship, whatever it is.

But making really clear in my own mind in what capacity do I hope to keep this relationship alive in my life?

What am I hoping it looks like on the other side of me setting these boundaries?

Getting really clear on that is helpful because it helps us zoom out and look at the big picture.

Instead of just looking at what isn't working, we need to be clear on what we do want and what we love about that relationship and why it's worth setting the boundary in the first place.

So question number 1 is what do I want out of this relationship?

And if we were able to salvage it, what would that ideally look like?

Question 2 is what is currently in the way for me when it comes to being able to have that type of relationship with this person?

So if I want a super close, connected friendship with this person, how is it possible that I don't have that?

What's getting in the way of me feeling really close and connected to them?

Question number 3 is what would it take to get there?

So what would need to change in order for us to move from this place where I feel disconnected or like I'm having trouble experiencing the type of relationship I want to have with this person and the place where we have it.

And finding the answer to this question is ideally a collaborative affair between you and the other person but It doesn't hurt to ask yourself first so that going into a conversation with them you have a little bit of an idea of what might need to happen and you can contribute some potential solutions.

And then question number 4, and this is where a lot of us try to jump to immediately when it comes to boundary setting, but I find it's helpful to kind of move here progressively, is if this person does not want to work with me on collaborating towards the type of relationship with them that I would like to have, what can I do to make sure that I'm keeping my inner child safe?

So how do I make sure that my inner child, who might be willing to run way past the boundaries of my own authenticity in order to stay in connection with this other person, does not do that?

How do I show up as my wise inner parent and negotiate with my inner child to explain to them that we need to stay within these certain boundaries and that might mean feeling a bit of grief or pain over the limits that we need to set interpersonally, if and when it comes to that.

And the kind of golden rule to ask yourself there is what would make it possible for me to stay in connection with this other person without feeling resentment towards them?

So how can I make sure that every time I see this person I'm able to actually be present, engaged, and not distracted by past things I'm upset with them about or whatever it is?

What relationship structure would allow me to stay present, maximally alive, and minimally resentful every time I'm around this person?

So to go over this, I'll give a couple of examples.

Let's say that I have a friend who is super flaky.

So we've made plans together a couple of times, I've gotten really excited about the plans, my inner child has gotten all pumped up, and then the morning of, they have bailed on the plans.

How would I go about using this model of boundary setting to negotiate relationship norms with this friend?

So the first question I would be asking myself is what do I want out of this friendship?

And if I'm going into a conversation with this friend, this part is going to be really important to make clear because you want to have buy-in to see if you're working towards the same type of relationship or not.

So I might start off a conversation by going, hey, you are my absolute favorite person to adventure with.

And I really want us to plan fun trips together, to have a lot of quality time together, and I want to check if that's something that you want too.

So establishing whether or not you have the same context for the relationship and the same wants out of it can be really helpful from the get-go.

If they do want that same thing, then that's great and you can move on to talking about how to make that possible.

So it's important to get clear from the get-go to see if you're even working in the same direction.

Now, question 2, what's in the way for me?

So if this friend is my favorite person to spend time with, to plan trips with, to go on adventures with, but I'm having trouble spending time with them without feeling resentful, because there's been several instances where they've canceled plans last minute, that inconsistency is getting in the way for me.

So I'm having trouble feeling close, connected, and excited about the friendship.

It would be dishonest for me to pretend that that's how I'm feeling when in reality I'm feeling a little bit angry and resentful.

So to have that kind of connection that we want, where I feel like we can plan things together and I feel free to let my inner child get really excited about those things, I need to know that there's going to be a greater sense of predictability.

So this might be the point where I open things up for discussion.

If we both want that out of our friendship, Can we have a conversation about what it would take to get it back to that place where we can trust each other?

Maybe there's something about the way that we've been going about making plans that doesn't work for them that they haven't said yet.

But if we can open up a discussion about what works for us both and what would need to change in order for us to get to a place where both of us felt very comfortable, then we can potentially find creative solutions that work for us both.

Maybe we need to make the plans further in advance or maybe less far in advance.

Maybe there's something they've been resentful about that's been impacting our dynamic and that needs to be worked out before we can get to a place where we truly feel like we trust each other.

you're playing with here at this point in the conversation is if we have this shared vision for what we want out of our friendship or out of our relationship, how do we get there in a way that feels authentic to both of us and where neither of us feels as though we're stretching ourselves past our limits or abandoning crucial parts of what matters to us in order to please the other person.

So is there some sort of way we can respect both of our boundaries and keep our dignity intact while getting what we want out of the relationship.

to be yes and sometimes it's going to be no.

So let's say this is a conversation I have with a friend, they agree to everything and then continue flaking on plans.

Now what's clear to me is that there's something that I'm not in the know about, right?

There's something going on for this friend that they're not comfortable telling me that's impacting their ability to show up in the way that they claim they want to show up.

And at this point, I need to switch into inner adult mode and ask myself the question, how do I keep my inner child safe inside of this dynamic?

So which limits do I lovingly have to set for my inner child to keep her safe?

If this is someone who keeps getting my inner child's hopes up and then dashing them, and I were literally thinking of my inner child as an actual child who I'm responsible for caring for, I would probably stop making plans with that person.

Because I wouldn't want that little kid to keep getting their hopes dashed.

So maybe I would keep this person in my life, but I wouldn't make plans that revolve around them.

If I'm planning a weekend away or an adventure or a trip, I'm gonna plan it either on my own or with someone who I know to be more reliable.

And maybe this friend is just kind of the friend who you invite along if you have an extra spot.

Or maybe this is just the friend you meet for coffee every now and then, or the person who you hang out with spontaneously if you get a text from them 1 day and it turns out you're both free at the same time.

So you might have to readjust the way that you think about and fit this person into your life in order to make sure that your inner child is being kept safe inside of that relationship.

And that is your job to do, not the other person's job.

It is your job to manage your relationship with your inner child, and a big part of that is going to be managing your relationships with other people in such a way that your feelings are not chronically getting hurt because you're putting protections in place to make sure that that's not happening any more than it has to.

So we'll do another example and this time I'll use a romantic relationship.

So let's say you're getting close to someone who you've been dating for a little while, but every time there's a conflict or something stressful comes up in the relationship, you notice that they start kind of stonewalling you or giving you the silent treatment and they won't talk about things with you.

How would we run this through the kind of boundary model?

So first of all, you want to recognize where you are outside the limits of your authenticity here.

So if my partner is speaking to me in a way that I find insulting or unkind, pretending that I'm happy in the relationship is probably outside the limits of my authenticity.

I'm not being true to myself or to them if I'm pretending that the way that they're speaking to me is fine when in reality It's hurting my feelings.

So what I want to ask myself first is what do I want from this relationship?

Is this someone who I want to continue getting closer to what do I like about them?

What's working in the relationship and what would I like to preserve?

Ideally, I also want to make that clear to them.

Then, I want to ask myself, what's getting in the way of that?

What's getting in the way of me having a relationship with this person, where I feel like I can show up feeling present, non-resentful, and fully alive and engaged with them.

And again, maybe it's that sense of anger or rejection that's overwhelmingly in my awareness when I'm around them and it's getting in the way of me being present with them.

So that's something that it's possible to directly communicate, right?

Hey, I want to feel really close and connected to you.

And if there's something that comes up that hurts your feelings or that isn't working for you in the relationship, I want us to sit down and talk about it and work through it until we find a solution.

But I find it really hard to have those types of conversations when I feel like I'm not being let in on what's happening for you.

In those moments I feel pretty rejected, I get my guard up and then it gets hard for me to work through things.

So what I'd really like is for us to find a way to work through conflict that works for both of us, even if 1 or both of us gets a little bit triggered?

What can we do to make sure that we're not throwing the baby out with the bathwater and getting into a kind of downward spiral the second someone's feelings get hurt?

So this is that step 3 where we're opening things up for creative problem solving, right?

We're letting someone know where our limits are, we're asking about theirs, and we're trying to see if we can work together to find a way that we can both show up in the relationship authentically while solving the problem.

So without either person having to sacrifice something that's important to them or act in a way that feels inauthentic which might cause resentment and further disconnection down the line.

So if they want to work with you on that, that can be a really rich conversation, right?

Maybe there's some way you're showing up that's triggering them or that they're struggling to process and if you're both able to be communicative and flexible you can figure out what works.

But if they're not willing to work with you on that then you have to look at how to keep your inner child safe.

So if your inner child loves feeling close to this person but gets really badly hurt every time they feel rejected or shut out or ignored or given the silent treatment and there isn't an interpersonal willingness to work on that.

Now you have to look at how are you going to keep that child safe and what adjustments might you have to make interpersonally to make sure that you're doing that.

So if this were a literal child, would you allow them to continuously get closer to someone who's super hot and cold, who's warm 1 day and then rejecting the next?

Or would you need to sit down with your child and have a conversation with them about how that might not be the best person to be super close to, but maybe we can have them as more of an acquaintance.

And in both cases, what's happening here is you're refusing to self-abandon.

So you're refusing to go beyond the limits that are naturally there for you when it comes to what you're willing to do in a relationship.

So again I want to be clear, staying within your boundaries and staying within the limits of your own authenticity doesn't mean that you're completely inflexible or unwilling to make compromises.

A lot of relational compromises feel totally authentic and actually pretty exciting.

Like hey I'm letting someone affect me a little bit, I'm learning through relationship, and I'm willing to both change and be changed through relationship.

That's a wonderful thing when it's healthy.

And how you can usually tell if a compromise is healthy or not is if you feel resentment about it or not.

It feels really good to give inside of healthy reciprocal relationships.

So if I'm part of a community of people who are constantly checking in on each other and doing each other favors, I'm probably not going to feel resentment if someone needs something from me 1 day and I go give it to them.

Because I know that there's a sense of natural give and take from the relationship and it genuinely makes my life better both to receive what other people have to offer and to give what I have to give and know that that thing is being received by people.

So again, boundaries do not mean shutting people out.

It means keeping yourself authentic and honest about what you like to give and receive and what you are and aren't willing to do without growing resentful.

So if our boundaries are working properly, they're gonna be making our lives and our relationships a lot closer and more connected because people are able to understand who we are, what matters to us, and which compromises we are genuinely happy to make for the sake of relationships.

But in order to do that, we have to be both vulnerable enough with ourselves and other people to be honest about where our limits lie and we have to be willing to protect ourselves enough to keep our inner children safe and not let them run too far past the limits of our authenticity because they want to stay in connection with someone.

So like most things setting boundaries is complicated and it takes a lot of self-work to get right, but at the end of the day, it is so worth it if what we want to have is authentic, connected relationships with other people where we can show up with total presence, total willingness, and total joy to both give and receive whatever it is that we want to give and receive out of our relationships.

Alright, that's all I have to say for today on the topic of what a boundary is and how to figure out where yours lie.

As always, let me know in the comments what you're thinking, feeling, experiencing as you watch this video.

I hope you're taking care of yourselves and each other, and I will see you

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Boundaries 101: Finding The Edges Of Our Authenticity